completely_confused Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I went to my 20 year high school reunion and ended up seeing my old boyfriend from high school. I went alone and so did he. We ended up talking and laughing the entire night. I am from out of town so I had a room in the hotel where the event was held. We ended up back in my room. We did not sleep together, but fooled around. We spent the next day together and he took me to the airport. We have talked via email, text and phone after that. The first time that we spoke after I left he confided that he is in the process of separating from his wife. I was a little taken aback as he did not mention this that night, but I trusted him in that he was there alone and no wedding ring. This was about two months ago. We have since seen each other a handful of times as I was interviewing for a job closer to home and each time I went up we saw each other. We have talked about how lucky we both are to have found each other again. And he tells me that he has very strong feelings for me and would like to see what could happen between us. I have not pressed for any detail on his separation/divorce. We have a trip planned together this weekend and he has stated that he wants to talk to me about what is going on in his personal life and to make some definitive plans for us going forward. Could this be for real or am I setting myself up for heartbreak? I am trying to be open to the prospect that he could be telling me the truth, but after reading some of the posts here, I think maybe he is full of s$%^. HELP!!!
Spark1111 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Ask honest and direct questions. Sit back, and see how honest, clear, concise and direct answere you receive. It really is that simple. Do not start projecting a romantic fantasy onto this situation. Do not start allowing allusion and illusion to color his responses and your perception of the situation. Just the facts, ma'am. Who, what, where, when and how....the separation, the lawyers, the division of assets, the timeline of expected events, the divorce decree, your relationship with each other. If you hear a non-fact, also known as an excuse, red flags should rise in front of your eyes. These include: We haven't gotten along for years, but she will never allow me to divorce. She wants all my assets, so this could take a long time. She doesn't love me, but this will not be easy. I need time to make sure my children are ok throughout all of this. What you want to hear: WE have agreed to separate and should be divorced within the year. Anything else? Ask him to call you as he gets close to divorcing. You do not want to be his fallback girl or his mistress. You have too much self-respect. Ask to meet his stbx wife if he claims she is totally on board with the separation (and dating others) as they head to divorce. Be careful here.
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I have not pressed for any detail on his separation/divorce. Why not? You're INVITING this into your life. You think he *maybe* full of shi.t but you're NOT pressing him for information?? Chances are, he's very much married, probably one of those guys who just doesn't wear a wedding ring and the separation is a lie or greatly exaggerated. Don't go down this road. You don't 'know' this guy anymore, who he is NOW.
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 IF he is telling the truth, don't get involved with someone who is "Just" in the process of separating.. Lots of emotional baggage, changes and he isn't ready for anything serious. He isn't divorced! Separating isn't divorcing. Does he have kids? Are you married? Have a boyfriend? have kids to consider?
Author completely_confused Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 I am not married, no serious boyfriend and no kids. I have been dating, but nothing that is exclusive or serious. The reason for that is because I knew that I would be starting the process of moving back home due to family concerns. I don't really know why I have not pressed for any answers. Afraid of them, maybe? He has a child. This is really new to me. I have never dated someone that is married or in a relationship - that I know of. So, when we go away this weekend do I ask questions? What do I ask? Thank you spark for giving me some "red flags" to look for. I am hoping that he is being honest, but want to be sure before I even let him slightly into my life.
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 You start by NOT going away with him because you know he IS a married man. Even if he's "about" to separate. You ask questions NOW, instead of going away with him.
Emme Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 You start by NOT going away with him because you know he IS a married man. Even if he's "about" to separate. You ask questions NOW, instead of going away with him. I agree! You don't take vacations with someone who you seem to honestly "NOT KNOW". You take vacations with someone you do know. Time to step on the brakes. If you want a honest clean relationship, start one that way.
Lucky_One Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Definitive Plans for Him Moving Forward With You 1. He moves out into a place that encourages a strong relationship with his child. 2. He retains an attorney. 3. He and STBXW agree upon an equitable visitation schedule/ 4. He separates his financial dealings with his STBXW. 5. He tells his family and their mutual friends that he and STBXW have separated. 7. He begins spending excess time with his child, to reinforce that Daddy still loves and cares and supports. He goes to school events, sports events, gymnastic events, anything he can do to show child that he has not disappeared. 6. He calls you up and asks you out to dinner.
MissBee Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 (edited) I went to my 20 year high school reunion and ended up seeing my old boyfriend from high school. I went alone and so did he. We ended up talking and laughing the entire night. I am from out of town so I had a room in the hotel where the event was held. We ended up back in my room. We did not sleep together, but fooled around. We spent the next day together and he took me to the airport. We have talked via email, text and phone after that. The first time that we spoke after I left he confided that he is in the process of separating from his wife. I was a little taken aback as he did not mention this that night, but I trusted him in that he was there alone and no wedding ring. This was about two months ago. We have since seen each other a handful of times as I was interviewing for a job closer to home and each time I went up we saw each other. We have talked about how lucky we both are to have found each other again. And he tells me that he has very strong feelings for me and would like to see what could happen between us. I have not pressed for any detail on his separation/divorce. We have a trip planned together this weekend and he has stated that he wants to talk to me about what is going on in his personal life and to make some definitive plans for us going forward. Could this be for real or am I setting myself up for heartbreak? I am trying to be open to the prospect that he could be telling me the truth, but after reading some of the posts here, I think maybe he is full of s$%^. HELP!!! Hi C_C, It always strikes me as odd when someone seems not to speak directly to the person they are involved with about important matters but carries on the relationship and then asks OTHER people what they think this person is thinking, feeling, doing etc. That is already a problem. You not pressing him about this, having concerns but still planning trips and so on is a bit off. I think sometimes we avoid asking because we'd simply rather not know the truth or realize something is off and are scared of being right so we avoid mentioning it and hope that we can carry on with the Pink Elephant in the corner blowing it's trunk while we pretend like nothing is going on.... If you're thinking of being serious with him...YOU HAVE TO be able to actually talk to him and address concerns to him and with him. That's the simple truth. We can all advise you and we may be right or wrong, but you cannot start a good relationship on a foundation in which you're scared to speak to this person and always defer to outsiders to get into their head. He may or may not be truthful, but the point is YOU have some concerns and fears that you've avoided. You should think about why you're scared to ask him what's going on. Are you scared you'll hear something you don't want to hear? Scared he'll be upset and leave if you start asking questions? What? And depending on your answer...is it okay and worth it to be with someone that you can't talk to about important matters or voice your concerns because you're afraid the relationship will end? Edited October 5, 2011 by MissBee
18Years2Late Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 You've gotten some good advice here so far.* If you read around LS a bit, you can see from other's experience that the numbers are largely stacked against you.* Not trying to discourage you, but go in with your eyes wide open.* I thought I'd share my story with you b/c as you'll see I've BTDT and a very, very similar story*to yours.* It might help you a bit.* I hope things work out well for you,*and if they do, I'll certainly be jealous * Almost 2 years ago this December, I reconnected with my old high school BF on Facebook.* We were more than just BF/GF.* We dated for more than half of my HS days (he was in college) and all of*our college days and we lived together for a year or more after college.* It was quite a long time and I (we) were definitely "made" for each other.* Best friends, soul mates, whatever you want to call it.* One day*he told me that he wanted to move 4 states away with some friends (and me) so he could get a better job, but I just didn't have the strength to move away from everything I'd ever known (my family, friends, new job, etc.), much less with someone I wasn't married to.* He wasn't ready for M at the time, so I let him go (if you love something set it free right?...wrong!!).* It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.* I cried for 3 months (remember that, I'll mention it again at the end of the story).* I visited*him numerous times over the next year or so, and he visited me as well.* He finally asked me to marry him (no ring yet, just asked...we were broke fresh college grads) and on my last visit there we put a down payment on an apartment in his new state.* The problem was, I had already started dating someone back home (bad, bad, bad, stupid*idea I now know - rebound relationship - hindsight is always 20/20).* * Then...I got pregnant.* I just thought letting*him*move without me*was hard...the day I had to call him and tell him I was pregnant, that then became the hardest thing I've ever had to do EVER.* He was devastated.* So was I.* But he put on his strong voice and wished me love and happiness.* I'm*still M to the aforementioned*rebound guy*and we have 2 more children.* Not a day has gone by in 18 years that I haven't thought of that old BF (now xMM) in some way, shape, or form.* Not a longing for him, or what-if's, just wanting to know how he's doing, what his life is like, how is kids are, that kind of stuff.* I know*that was*a long story but I just wanted you to have some background of the seriousness of the relationship.**He wasn't someone I just dated for a year or 2. * Fast-forward 18 years.* He is M with 2 children.**He called me a few days after I had my 1st child to tell me that he was engaged.* He now says it was as if he was asking for my "permission", to see if I had changed my mind and wanted to be with him.* Boy, did I want to be with him, I just couldn't at the time.* Devastated all over again.* So...18 years later I*found*him on Facebook.* We had no intentions of having any sort of relationship, and that's the truth.* Just "catching up".* Needless to say, that didn't work out so well or I wouldn't be here on LS.* At first, he told me that he was not really "unhappy" in his M.* He loved W, adored kids, everything A-OK.* I, OTOH, not really unhappy (at the time), but I could take it or leave it.* So he never lied to me about the state of his M.* For 18 months we texted, emailed, Facebook'd, phone calls, etc., 100x a day, 7 days a week.* Couldn't get enough of each other.* During those 18 months, he managed to get a "hall pass" (his idea) twice for*long weekend*trips to come to visit me in the state I live in now, and we met in our home state as well.* Eventually, we were in love all over again.* His once "not unhappy" M, not so good anymore in his eyes.* After the 1st trip to see me, he went home and started*doing things to get the divorce*ball rolling (I heard*that from her BTW).* I stopped him and said Woah!!!* That's not really what you want.* You love your kids to much.* Let's think about this some more before jumping off the deep end and maybe we just keep everything as it is until the kids are grown.* So he slowed down with that a bit.* Some days I regret that decision but anyway, it was the right decision at the time.* So...now we've had 3-4 ddays and many bouts of NC b/c of said ddays.* After the last dday, he told W that was it, he loved me, always loved me, wanted to be with me, couldn't live without me, no more MC, done (I heard this all straight from her mouth).* He told his mom and some other family members (I also heard this from them).* Then one day he snapped.* He was stressed out and losing his mind.* His world was spinning out of control.* He couldn't do it.* All that profession of love and good intentions, and at the end of the day, he just couldn't do it.* I know I'll get flack for this, but he just couldn't fathom the thought of not having his kids 100% of the time.* W knows that is*his reason and she's OK with that b/c she also wants him there for the kids.* W is the breadwinner, and so am I, so I'm not quite sure why she puts up with that, but I'm sure she has her reasons.* * So...if you've read this far,*xMM (so sad that I have to call him that now)*did all the right things, everything he told me was absolutely true and verifiable.* But now...I've walked away...I let him go (again)...and I've been crying for the last 3 months (again).* Everything I've hope and dreamed for, for 18 years, will never happen.* It would have been sooooooooo much better just to still have those thoughts (pleasant ones), hopes, and dreams and the never knowing.* Now we have nothing but hate, mistrust (he threw me under the bus a few times with my permission after the 1st 2 ddays), and broken dreams, not to mention what we've done to our respective M's.* I guess what I'm trying to say is please be sure that your xBF/MM is telling you the truth.* Ask for concrete evidence.* If he's really "done" with this M, I mean really done, and done before you came along, then I think maybe your chances are better than most others on LS.* And even if you're really sure he's really, really done, and he's sure too, just remember that no matter how done he is, if will still be hard on both of you, just for different reasons.* If you find out he's yanking your strings, hang him with them b/c it will never turn out well for anyone, especially when there's young kids involved.* It's not easy.* Be careful. * I hoped that story helped you a little.* I hope everything works out for you.
Heart On Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I think maybe he is full of s$%^. HELP!!! Don't ignore gut feelings or red flags! You will live to regret it as alot of us here have!
fooled once Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 So you are now the OW. You have consented to be the OW. You have defined what you are to him, his mistress. Like the others, going away with him is nothing more than sneaking around and having an affair. IF he truly is "separating", then he will respect you enough to NOT have you be his mistress. He would have told you up front he was married. He didn't. He chose instead to "omit" it. He chose to mislead you. And yet, you have basically said "okay" to that and now have chosen to sneak away and be with a married man. Is that what you want? Is that okay with you? Are you cool with being the mistress? Are you okay with sneaking around? Are you okay with being disrespected this way? And if he has 'hidden' the marriage factor, what else is he hiding? Is it worth losing self respect? Is it worth lying to others (which will be what you end up doing - most women don't walk around all proud of sleeping with a married man). No one forces anyone to do anything. No one is forcing you to be a mistress. Why not cancel the weekend sneak away UNTIL he has actually taken the steps TO separate, instead of just thinking about it.
Recommended Posts