rubberball Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 my ex called tonight, we hadnt spoken in almost a month to invite my son and I to dinner tomorrow night for my birthday. She said that she, her daughter and her son wanted to take us out. I said okay, but I am now reconsidering. Seeing her name on my phone brought me back to the old times when I would see that number a billion times a day. The only times we have "talked" recently has been through email about when she could come get the rest of her stuff. she keeps putting it off. All of a sudden she wants to meet me with all our kids for dinner? What could she have told the kids about my absents. I told my own kid that she and I had a big disagreement and werent going to hang out for a while. I seriously doubt that her kids remember my bday, so is this coming from her? An excuse to see me? We do work together and will spend a day side by side in a couple weeks for 20 hours staright, is she trying to make that easier? She did mention that she could come pickup her stuff this weekend anytime I was free, that she could get a truck. Her new "friend" has a truck I can only assume she is borrowing it. Why couldnt he come move the stuff? She acted as if I was going to help her move everything. Is this her last attempt at controling me? have you ever had the feeling that you wanted to go, but still had the feeling that you wanted to stay?
shalisha42 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Hi Rubberball! Thank you for posting this interesting situation. Let me ask you - how long have you been together and why did you break up with her? It sounds to me like she had been crowding you in the relationship and that you called it off for that reason. Am I correct? Also, the most important thing now is for you to as yourself - What Do You Want? Forget about her right now. What do you want to happen in this relationship? Do you need space? Do you not want to be romantically involved with her at all? First, get clear about how you feel about her and whether or not you just need space from her or if you want to call it quits altogether. If you're not clear about your own wants and needs, it will be hard for you to convey this to your ex partner. She will get mixed signals and continue to behave the way she is behaving. I hope this helps.
Author rubberball Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 we were best friends for 6 years before anything happened between us. I always, um, really liked her. I liked taking care of her, we were 'us' for about 8 months. she officially ended it after I told her I didnt want to be with her if she continued to act the way she was acting. Basically, acting like she was single. the last month has been hard, missing her and wanting things like they were, yet it does get easier every day. I would like to be something more again, but, I dont know if I still trust her. I have read on LS about breadcrumbs and ex wanting things to be friendly, yet not romantic, I am afraid that I will be set back if I meet her tomorrow night, yet, I miss her kids and I could hear the little one talking in the back ground when she called. Also, I dont want my own child to be confused, she left our lives and my son has been happier since she left. Since he gets all my attention. Perhaps I should leave well enough alone. The thing that makes me rethink it is she asked me to go to the place that she and I would always go, of all the places why that place. She even offered to pick us up... Why is she trying to be so nice all of a sudden?
EgoJoe Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I would cancel last minute and gauge her reaction. Don't tell her why, "Something has come up." is sufficient. You're probably not healed enough anyways.
wilsonx Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 we were best friends for 6 years before anything happened between us. I always, um, really liked her. I liked taking care of her, we were 'us' for about 8 months. she officially ended it after I told her I didnt want to be with her if she continued to act the way she was acting. Basically, acting like she was single. the last month has been hard, missing her and wanting things like they were, yet it does get easier every day. I would like to be something more again, but, I dont know if I still trust her. I have read on LS about breadcrumbs and ex wanting things to be friendly, yet not romantic, I am afraid that I will be set back if I meet her tomorrow night, yet, I miss her kids and I could hear the little one talking in the back ground when she called. Also, I dont want my own child to be confused, she left our lives and my son has been happier since she left. Since he gets all my attention. Perhaps I should leave well enough alone. The thing that makes me rethink it is she asked me to go to the place that she and I would always go, of all the places why that place. She even offered to pick us up... Why is she trying to be so nice all of a sudden? Another best friends into dating story /yar Shes trying to alleviate her guilt for what she did, I agree with egojoe, cancel last minute or even better, have a friend call and cancel for you. I did that a couple times right after my breakup.
EgoJoe Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Just cancel after you think she might already be ready. Don't have a friend do it it kind of ruins the effect. It's ****ed up but it's what I like to call, "The Rug Peel." all of the sudden their safe and sound comfy rug to walk on is gone. You handled yourself well but in order to continue to gain perspective and heal no matter what the end result is. You need MORE time.
Author rubberball Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 I hadnt thought of her trying to alleviate her guilt. Perhaps you are right. I just found it very wierd that she all of a sudden wants to see me. Last year, she took me to lunch, that seems more apporiate, but maybe she wants the kids there as a safety net. I really like the idea of canceling at the last minute. I just hope I can actually do it. I think I really want to see her, but remembering the last time i saw her - it was umcomfortable and awkward.
Author rubberball Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 I didnt cancel... she just called and said she could push it back or we could get a rain check for Sunday night. I think I should have suggested something else. I kinda think that was her last bit of control. She thought maybe I could go by and pick up her son so we could meet sooner, but then said he doesnt have a way to lock the house. She also said that she has to drive to the next town over "for her car" (its a 2011) I am not sure what that is about, but I didnt ask. I am about to, willingly, go into the dragons den, wish me luck and offer any last minute advice!! thanks.
Author rubberball Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 well, we went, and it wasnt as bad as I thought. she called my office and then my cell today to wish me happy birthday and she left a message (not something she normally ever did). I emailed her back and thanked her for the birthday wish. when we got there they were seated, and the seat next to her was open, my son walked up and took that seat (i am not sure if she thought about that or not since we had always shared our dinner there before). Her daughter came up and gave me a big hug, her teenage son was talkative towards me and it seemed like I saw them all yesterday instead of 1.5 months ago. the dinner orders, I thought were interesting, she asked what her son was getting and he said the nachos ( what she and I had always shared ), I wonder if in some way he is trying to take the place the the most recent man in her moms life, the probably 20 times i took them out to eat there he never ordered nachos. towards my ex we tired to make small talk, talk about work and co-workers, but I didnt feel like it ever was very fluid. She attempt to talk to my son, and he answered but was more interested with his video game. her daughter laid her head on my shoulder a couple times ( she is 8) and was very sweet. I ordered a salad, which she thought was weird but i told her i was trying to take better care of myself, and I had been getting in shape. Jogging etc. she seemed to think that was a good plan. She said people told her today that she was getting too skinny again. (she was always tiny). we traded a few little tid bits of things only close people know, but nothing of sub sense. She seemed interested in getting the check, and the waiter brought it to me, I looked at it, and was willing to pay it but she said that she would and I let that happen. She said that she can at least buy me dinner one night a year ( I had always paid when we were together). My son invited them to get ice cream afterwards, and the little girl wanted to come, she asked if I was okay with that and I said 'sure'. we went and got ice cream and I dropped her off at home, her brother was there but her mom was taking her car to the next town. I didnt get out, i stayed in the car. I texted her to let her know her kid was home and thanked her for the dinner. she texted back 40 minutes later saying that I was welcome and that she hoped I had a good bday. I didnt respond. to me, it seems like she is trying to be friendly and would enjoy a platonic relationship again. I am not ready for that. perhaps it was the guilt spoken of before or something else that made her invite me out tonight, only she knows. I was surprise how her kids never said anything about whats been going on, that they didnt seem to care about the time lapse. I suppose at least it makes me feel good that she isnt talking bad about me to everything that she can get to listen. she is suppose to come Sunday and get the remainder of the things she has at my house. That will be the last time we need to make contact, I am interested to see if she makes an effort before or after that.
Author rubberball Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 one other thing, she made it clear she wasnt going to be home when i dropped off the daughter, just like she did in her first attempt to pick up the rest of her stuff. in both cases i said it didnt matter to me. my thought is she wanted to be there, involved. I dont understand the mind set, she doesnt want a relationship but wanted me to be around. perhaps that is the soft little stable carpet that was spoken about. I guess I should go back to NC unless there is a really good reason to stop.
Recommended Posts