sigurpol Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 And I don't mean CHASE, I mean.. when someone catches your eye, do you almost always put forth some effort to get to know this person, or to get the ball rolling? If you don't always do it, why not? The reason I ask is because about 5+ years ago, I was trying to get the ball rolling with a girl I met. I was a little intimidated, I guess? She was sort of hard to get a hold of. We would always meet, and then her mutual friends would swing by the place we were at and hang out with us. I didn't always mind, but I would have liked more one-on-one time. Either way, I got close to her friends too and eventually ask if I had any chance with their friend. They always said she liked me a lot, and was into me, but was too nice compared to other people she was with. Anywho, years went by and we fell out of touch. I've always had a thing for her regardless. She found me on facebook last year or so, left a comment on a photo of mine... and that was it. Last week, I was at a wedding and it turns out the girl was in the wedding party. How crazy. We kept walking past one another at the reception and I was too chicken to say anything. The fact that she didn't say anything pissed me off. Finally, when everyone was mingling, she was next to me ordering a drink and I finally got her attention by asking how the hell she was. She looked at me and realized who I was, freaked out, gave me a hug, and we caught up for about.. 30 seconds until we went our separate ways. She would wave to me from afar sometimes. I would have gotten more time to talk with her, but I was invited through a date to this wedding. So I didn't want to blow my date off. At the end of the night, everyone was leaving and I was getting my jacket from the table when I saw her again talking to her friend. I came over and said it was awesome seeing her, gave her another hug, and said we should seriously catch up sometime soon. She said sure, and we could get her other friends to join to. UGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Though I am still close with one of her friends, I got a hold of her and told her about my run in with the mutual friend at the wedding. We caught up for a little bit which was nice... I wanted to probe her about more into if the girl in question is single or what, but the conversation had to end then. So what the hell, I have this insane feeling of nervousness getting in touch with her and saying we should catch up. I guess because I already said it? We were both pretty drunk, so maybe it was drunk-talk.
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 With an eye towards their preferred meeting/greeting style... nearly always....
LynnieBear Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 always, but I am the girl and really shy about it, so I usually wind up doing something online, like trying to look up their facebook or something. I almost never approach men in person, until they approach me. Quite often I get approached by men I'm not interested in as well.
neghitzbrah Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 In most cases, I am inhibited from chasing any further or continue going after someone when I don't see any signs of interests back. So, technically, I only went after 4 girls in my entire life. But the ones I pursued the most, were 2. One of them being my LTR. You have to see some sign of escalation on the other end to continue chasing. Because then, that encourages you to pursue more. If you don't see it, in this case she keeps bringing friends, then it kind of pushes you away. Do me a favor, sigurpol, and don't get involved with this girl again. She is mind f*cking the crap out of you and will continue to bring friends. And to be honest, if you really wanted her, you wouldn't have lost touch with her. Your heart knows what it wants and losing touch with someone isn't a sign of coincidence. It's yourself telling yourself to stop talking to this girl by not thinking about her that much.
FrustratedStandards Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I never do it because I'm a woman, and I expect men to do all the pursuing, even initially. If I notice a man is interested, I smile or say hi, to break the ice. But that doesn't seem to work. For some reason they get really nervous and walk away. If I approach them, apparently men complain that's too assertive and aggressive. Or even desperate.
laotzu Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 You're both older, right? I mean late twenties, at least? Why not just be direct: call her up and see if she'd like to get dinner sometime? Or text her, it's more innocuous and less pressuring, since she can think it over for a few minutes. Anyway, the two "worst" outcomes are: you're either not going to talk to her for the rest of your life because you think she may have been drunk, or you're going to ask her out and get rejected. The negative outcome is the same either way, right? But there's upside if you risk the latter option. That's where possibility is.
Author sigurpol Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Do me a favor, sigurpol, and don't get involved with this girl again. She is mind f*cking the crap out of you and will continue to bring friends. And to be honest, if you really wanted her, you wouldn't have lost touch with her. Your heart knows what it wants and losing touch with someone isn't a sign of coincidence. It's yourself telling yourself to stop talking to this girl by not thinking about her that much. I'll be honest, I was looking for more of a peptalk with all of this.. the whole JUST DO IT, MAN!. But what you said makes way more sense. When we first talked back in the day, signs were there. Enough for me to pursue. These days, I think she's just being polite. If anything.
laotzu Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 No you weren't - you haven't made a strong move the whole time. You played it soft before and found out via her friends that she always liked you. And you still didn't go hard and ask her out! She liked you and mentioned it to her friends! Don't you think her friends have told her you're interested? Of course they have. She's probably being a little more subdued now, years later, because you've never actually asked her out. Research, find out if she's single, and then legit ask her out.
Author sigurpol Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 No you weren't - you haven't made a strong move the whole time. You played it soft before and found out via her friends that she always liked you. And you still didn't go hard and ask her out! She liked you and mentioned it to her friends! Don't you think her friends have told her you're interested? Of course they have. She's probably being a little more subdued now, years later, because you've never actually asked her out. Research, find out if she's single, and then legit ask her out. When I was on the phone with our mutual friend, I was trying to get some info. Just, it didn't come up in time, and we were only on the phone for about 5 minutes, talking about our jobs and stuff. I mean, I always speak too soon.. one day I'll say that I won't do it, and the next day I'll build up some nerve and tell myself to just ask. I guess what else holds me back is the amount of mutual friends we have now. It's a big circle. I guess other than rejection, I'm worried what other people will say? Such a pansy about this, haha.
carhill Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 So far, exempting the ones I knew to be married, except for one, I've gone after every person I was interested in. I became more sexually aggressive after losing my virginity but was always romantically assertive. That includes international travel. The most recent was a victim of poor timing or perhaps fate, as the period when she apparently was available and interested fell during a period when I was still married. I'll have to check with her but I think she got back together with her H after a couple of years apart. That's not uncommon in my area, especially when there are kids involved (they have two). It was a significant shock to see her wedding ring back on and her talking about 'family' again after so long not. So, now that I'm single, if such an opportunity arises, I won't dawdle. I've pretty much sworn off women so I don't expect that to happen anytime soon.
Pierre Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I only chase when the chance of success is near 100%. Initial friendship with flirting is needed to determine if one will have success. I never chase anyone out of the cold.
Author sigurpol Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 I only chase when the chance of success is near 100%. Initial friendship with flirting is needed to determine if one will have success. I never chase anyone out of the cold. I agree with this. Probably why I have so many reservations all the time.
neghitzbrah Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I have to be a bit more clear to signs of mutual interest. 1) calling back when I call and get voicemail 2) not canceling a date 3) not treating my like I am the back-up guy Lol pretty loose, but as long as she is reciprocating and still talking to me after I say how pretty she is or after complimenting her and taking her to lunch, it's a green light for me. The friends thing is a bit iffy. But that's true, if she is single ask her out. Worst case she says no. Then move on.
mrgoodcat Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I chase if I think there is a good chance I might succeed. By good I mean 30-35% success probability. Girls that like me, I don't chase, actually play hard to get, mostly because I don't want their sugar. "'I'm like a dog chasing cars, I wouldn't know what to do with one, if I caught it. "
Sanman Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 When I am single, I certainly go after what I want. Sometimes I get it and sometimes I don't. If she is interested, she will throw out a signal or two and make it easy to get he number. Frankly though, pretty girls are a dime a dozen. I had a much harder time finding a good woman.
somethingsimple Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 When I was in 7th grade, I liked this girl for 2 years. I knew I liked her, her friends knew I liked her, she knew I liked her. But I never did anything, well cause I was just to much of a wimp. After my interest was gone she went up to me and told me that she would have given me a chance, if I had just made a move. LESSON LEARNED! First of all, friends in situations like this are only good for introductions. I usually feel them out, if they reciprocate pretty well then I move on from there. Let's be real chances are very slim for this girl to go up to you and make a move. I'm reading your posts and all you're doing is making excuses you're to nice, her friend said this, nervousness, intoxication, she was just being polite. Bro, you're the man, if you want it go and get it. If you really want it you'll find a way, otherwise you'll find an excuse.
daphne Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I agree with this. Probably why I have so many reservations all the time. And how has that worked out for you so far? You have built her up in your mind, because you refuse to find out if there's any reciprocated interest. I believe you do this, because your ego is fragile. What you don't know, is that if you continue doing this, years later you'll kick yourself for not biting the bullet and finding out if there's anything there. What is the worst thing that can happen? That she rejects you? The best thing that can come from that is you'll realize it doesn't matter if she did. That you can move on and find someone else who won't. I would say from a female's perspective of having this happen to me in the past, it's a bit of a turn off when you know a guy likes you and you are also interested, and he doesn't have the cojones to do anything about it. It comes across as a little effeminate to me.
Author sigurpol Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Let's be real chances are very slim for this girl to go up to you and make a move. I'm reading your posts and all you're doing is making excuses you're to nice, her friend said this, nervousness, intoxication, she was just being polite. Bro, you're the man, if you want it go and get it. If you really want it you'll find a way, otherwise you'll find an excuse. Haha, yea, you've hit the nail on the head I think. I do have a history of making up excuses. I mean, I normally wait until I absolutely know for sure, when there's no risk... but, I'm losing out on a lot more by just not taking chances. I'll get a hold of her. Assuming she still has the same number. If not that, I was gonna talk to her friend again (we're supposed to talk again.. work related. I work for a company where I could contract stuff that her husband does, blah blah. I'll ask if the girl is still single)
Author sigurpol Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 And how has that worked out for you so far? You have built her up in your mind, because you refuse to find out if there's any reciprocated interest. I believe you do this, because your ego is fragile. What you don't know, is that if you continue doing this, years later you'll kick yourself for not biting the bullet and finding out if there's anything there. What is the worst thing that can happen? That she rejects you? The best thing that can come from that is you'll realize it doesn't matter if she did. That you can move on and find someone else who won't. I would say from a female's perspective of having this happen to me in the past, it's a bit of a turn off when you know a guy likes you and you are also interested, and he doesn't have the cojones to do anything about it. It comes across as a little effeminate to me. Shoulda' multiquoted. Anyway... it's hard to answer that first question. I could say that, it's worked out where I've protected my ego the whole time. But in the long-run, that's a bad thing. I guess I normally only look for the strong green lights, and I felt like I didn't get them on Friday night. I felt like I wasn't her type anymore, that she had moved on to another point of her life. But here I go again, making excuses! I'm sure it's frustrating to hear, haha, but for realz. I'm gonna get a hold of her this weekend.
Recommended Posts