fatalcharm Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I am a huge fan of the book "He's Just Not That Into You" and try to follow it's advice, but sometimes forget :-p Basically the overall message of the book is that if a guy is into you, he will actively pursue you. You wont be left questioning if he likes you or not, you will know that he likes you. I have had my own doubts about this book as I personally try to play it cool when I really like someone. In the past I have come across as a crazy, love-struck stalker and have learned from those mistakes. Now I try to have some restraint, and wait for the guy to pursue me. I am just wondering if guys do the same thing, even though they might really like someone. I have an ex-boyfriend who told me that the book was stupid and dangerous. He hated the book and hated the fact that some women were taking its advice. I would like to know what the guys here think of the book and its message. Is it true that a guy will do what he can to get the attention of the girl he likes? Or do you guys sometimes play it cool, even when you really like someone? Do you like to let the girl you like know that you like her? Or do you like to keep her guessing a little? I personally don't like to come across too strong when I really like someone. I like to take a step back, take a deep breath and although I will give out signals, I wait for them to chase me. I am wondering if guys like to do the same thing.
ptp Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 The overall message you should get that every guy and every situation is different, no rule applies universally. I like to "play it cool", I like to see signs of mutual interest before doing anything major. In my experience the only thing that happens when a guy pursues a girl with great fervor is that the girl ends up running away. My level of interest in her is not going to influence her level of interest in me. I want a girl to show me mutual interest and give me a reason to pursue her.
somedude81 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Not every guy is very aggressive. It would be good to remember that.
mysteriousbox Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I am a huge fan of the book "He's Just Not That Into You" and try to follow it's advice, but sometimes forget :-p Basically the overall message of the book is that if a guy is into you, he will actively pursue you. You wont be left questioning if he likes you or not, you will know that he likes you. I have had my own doubts about this book as I personally try to play it cool when I really like someone. In the past I have come across as a crazy, love-struck stalker and have learned from those mistakes. Now I try to have some restraint, and wait for the guy to pursue me. I am just wondering if guys do the same thing, even though they might really like someone. I have an ex-boyfriend who told me that the book was stupid and dangerous. He hated the book and hated the fact that some women were taking its advice. I would like to know what the guys here think of the book and its message. Is it true that a guy will do what he can to get the attention of the girl he likes? Or do you guys sometimes play it cool, even when you really like someone? Do you like to let the girl you like know that you like her? Or do you like to keep her guessing a little? I personally don't like to come across too strong when I really like someone. I like to take a step back, take a deep breath and although I will give out signals, I wait for them to chase me. I am wondering if guys like to do the same thing. How does the book define "pursue"? Because every guy has a different tolerance and patience. Also think of it this way, an attractive guy won't pursue as hard because there are other options. But that is also not necessarily a bad thing, because they might be a very good match for you but just have options versus someone who isn't a good match but their only option is you...
Hot Chick Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 The book doesn't advocate that a guy be "aggressive." It's the premise that an interested guy will pursue. It's a great book and is really just common sense. He also advocates waiting 2 months and actually (gasp) getting to know the person you are dating before sleeping with them. We are talking about guys who are interested in a relationship with you, not just sex or a casual FWB. So guys who aren't interested in that, and just getting naked with a woman, are the ones who aren't going to like this book. The book is really common sense.
Eeyore79 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I know that not every guy is aggressive - but still, it's generally obvious if a guy is interested in you. Even a shy guy will get nervous and tongue-tied, or might make some lame effort to ask you out, even if he does it via email or something. If a guy isn't contacting you, or at least hanging around you and showing vague signs of interest, don't pursue him because it's probably a waste of time.
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I am a huge fan of the book "He's Just Not That Into You" and try to follow it's advice, but sometimes forget :-p Basically the overall message of the book is that if a guy is into you, he will actively pursue you. You wont be left questioning if he likes you or not, you will know that he likes you. I have had my own doubts about this book as I personally try to play it cool when I really like someone. In the past I have come across as a crazy, love-struck stalker and have learned from those mistakes. Now I try to have some restraint, and wait for the guy to pursue me. I am just wondering if guys do the same thing, even though they might really like someone. I have an ex-boyfriend who told me that the book was stupid and dangerous. He hated the book and hated the fact that some women were taking its advice. I would like to know what the guys here think of the book and its message. Is it true that a guy will do what he can to get the attention of the girl he likes? Or do you guys sometimes play it cool, even when you really like someone? Do you like to let the girl you like know that you like her? Or do you like to keep her guessing a little? I personally don't like to come across too strong when I really like someone. I like to take a step back, take a deep breath and although I will give out signals, I wait for them to chase me. I am wondering if guys like to do the same thing. See the problem with this is when the "signals" consist of blinking twice and looking at the guy for 3.5 seconds. I mean I'm pretty clueless when it comes to women's interest. You probably could walk around carrying a neon sign saying how much you like me and want me to ask you out and I'd still have some doubts about your interest. Needless to say I never a) pursue girls and b) don't really date. So I guess you have to take my words with a grain of salt. Follow the advice of the book if you want. Just know that a lot of the "good guys" probably don't pursue all that often.
blueskyday Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I actually found the focus of the book to be on avoiding making excuses for men who aren't interested in us. You know, "Oh, he's so scared," or "He works so many hours. He doesn't have time right now," or "His ex-wife is giving him a hard time." All of the above may be true, but he should still be calling and making time for you. That's the crux of the book. If he's not, then maybe....."He's just not that into you!" (Or if he's controlled by his ex, then that's equally bad; you aren't the priority.) So whatever the reasons, it doesn't matter. If a guy is too busy for me, then I'm off the hook of trying to make it okay. The bottom line is that my needs aren't being met for whatever reason, and it's okay to let this guy go, especially if he's soooo busy. In my experience, a guy is never too busy for a girl he's into. That's what the book stresses.
motive2002 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Have never read it, but it seems this forum would probably prove more useful. Books like that are written and given "buzz-word" titles in order to produce revenue. The only known qualifications from the authors is "Writer and consultant for Sex and the City". That alone should indicate how seriously you take the book's contents.
Highness Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I love, love, LOVE this book! It helped me get over my prick of an ex-boyfriend. Funny how the advice they give just seems like common sense but I was making excuse after excuse for him. Never again! I met my current, angel of a boyfriend about 3 years after reading the book and it is amazing how everything the book said a worthy guy should be doing, he did (actively pursuing me, making me feel secure and loved etc). :love: Ive given this book to all my girlfriends at one stage or another and they all agree it's fantastic. Its the only 'self help' book Ive ever read and probably ever will read.
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I love, love, LOVE this book! It helped me get over my prick of an ex-boyfriend. Funny how the advice they give just seems like common sense but I was making excuse after excuse for him. Never again! I met my current, angel of a boyfriend about 3 years after reading the book and it is amazing how everything the book said a worthy guy should be doing, he did (actively pursuing me, making me feel secure and loved etc). :love: Ive given this book to all my girlfriends at one stage or another and they all agree it's fantastic. Its the only 'self help' book Ive ever read and probably ever will read. Some "worthy guys" don't have the confidence to pursue. I guess that sort of makes them "unworthy" I suppose...
musemaj11 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 When a person is truly interested, he/she will show that he/she is interested. You can tell when a man is truly interested and you can tell when a woman is truly interested.
Author fatalcharm Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 I actually found the focus of the book to be on avoiding making excuses for men who aren't interested in us. I agree with you, I actually found the book very empowering and I did kinda write my post with certain questions in mind, so it does lean a certain way. I have been dating a guy lately that has me really confused. I mentioned him in an other post and how he comments on how hot other women are, I also mentioned that I am over it and he isn't going to hear from me again but now I am questioning if that's the right thing to do. We never call each other, we always text. I personally hate talking on the phone and would rather text so this suits me fine and I prefer it that way. Lately I have been the one initiating the texts, but he always responds immediately, even when he is busy at work. That is something that I can always count on. Even I don't respond to text messages immediately, even if I really like someone. It's rude, but it's just something that I do. We see each other once a week, we both have 2 jobs and I would like to see him more but for me, between work and catching up with friends (I would rather hang out with him, but I know it's important to keep doing the things I usually would do) I don't have much time, and I think he is the same. He has never canceled a date on me, although he doesn't ask me out more than 2 days in advance anymore. When we first started seeing each other he was asking me out a week in advance. Last time I saw him, I was the one who actually asked him if he wanted to catch up and he said that he was keen, and we did. As I type this, I am starting to wonder if I am giving out clear signals myself. I have never really complimented him until the last time I saw him and I told him that he smells nice. It doesn't seem like a very good compliment, but to me that is a big deal. A guy has gotta smell good, it's something that attracts me to them. I am not good with giving out compliments, even when I am thinking it. I also told him that I had been looking forward to catching up with him all day and he looked surprised. I haven't told him how much I like him, and I am guessing that he doesn't know. We met on a dating site. We both still have our profiles up but he hasn't been online for a while now. I check the dam thing every day to see if he is online (the dating site), and he hasn't been for a while. Maybe I should stop going online too? I am starting to wonder if he knows how interested I am. I just assumed that he would know that I am interested because I am still seeing him, but he might be thinking the same thing as I am. These days I come across as quite aloof, and I should probably just take the risk and let him know how much I like him. I am not that scared of getting hurt, I can deal with it but I just don't want to scare away someone who might want to take things slow.
AHardDaysNight Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 If a shy guy is interested in a girl, he won't pursue her. That's something to remember that's very important.
AHardDaysNight Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Then that's his problem. If you want something you have seize it, you can't just sit there and expect it to drop into your lap. My cousin is shyer than me, and his wife pursued him. He is now married, with kids. Then again, he is skinny. I am fat. I probably am not one to judge my life based on his.
grkBoy Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I am a huge fan of the book "He's Just Not That Into You" and try to follow it's advice, but sometimes forget :-p Basically the overall message of the book is that if a guy is into you, he will actively pursue you. You wont be left questioning if he likes you or not, you will know that he likes you. I have had my own doubts about this book as I personally try to play it cool when I really like someone. In the past I have come across as a crazy, love-struck stalker and have learned from those mistakes. Now I try to have some restraint, and wait for the guy to pursue me. I am just wondering if guys do the same thing, even though they might really like someone. I have an ex-boyfriend who told me that the book was stupid and dangerous. He hated the book and hated the fact that some women were taking its advice. I would like to know what the guys here think of the book and its message. Is it true that a guy will do what he can to get the attention of the girl he likes? Or do you guys sometimes play it cool, even when you really like someone? Do you like to let the girl you like know that you like her? Or do you like to keep her guessing a little? I personally don't like to come across too strong when I really like someone. I like to take a step back, take a deep breath and although I will give out signals, I wait for them to chase me. I am wondering if guys like to do the same thing. I never read the book, but I did sit through the movie one night on Netflix. I agree that in the case of both men and women, if you're sketchy on if he/she really likes you or not, then chances are: a) He/she isn't into you b) He/she is into you, but has no clue how to send clear signals. Choice "a" is the case most of the time, but many want to hope it's "b" or the usual thing of taking a tiny thing and blowing it up into more. It's like every guy who has a girl be friendly with him, and instantly he's deeply pondering if he could date her when she's shown no real interest...or every woman who sleeps with a guy and thinks it's love when he just saw it as sex. I've come to the conclusion that persistence doesn't pay off and one is better "launching" someone when they can see it won't happen easily. I don't buy into the idea that if I ask a girl out 100 time that she'll finally "cave" and then I can have her. I know for SOME guys it works, but for me it's throwing out my dignity. I think the underlying message though is one most people need to accept. I still don't need women to approach, but I would like them to make signals clearer. I think too often women will like a guy, but are so afraid of taking any risk that she hopes he'll just magically come over and talk to her (when she hasn't given him any opening to). It's no wonder these women are alone and/or meeting playas all the time.
blueskyday Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 FatalCharm, just act happy to see him. Text him first sometimes, but if you want him to call more, then text (or call) and tell him you want to hear his sexy voice, too If you want plans made in advance, ask him early in the week about his schedule so you can plan yours. Tell him you are excited to see him. Remember, after a while a guy will just assume you are spending weekends together...that can be a good thing. I think the book is good at pointing out that it's good to pursue if there is interest on the other side. Personally, I'm assertive and go after a guy. I like the shy guys. I have been told (later) that when I think I'm being obvious in my interest, they aren't sure....so go ahead and be very obvious, smiling while touching them on the arm while slipping them your number while saying you two should go see a movie this weekend so please call to set up times... Funny, but the arrogant guys I've dated thought I was VERY interested in them when I barely smiled at them. Go figure! On the other end of the spectrum, the shy guys tend to humble, which is very sexy! But, because of that, they need to know you are interested and need to know in a literal way. You may have to lead for a while. But either way, if someone isn't showing reciprocal interest in whatever (shy) way they can, then I leave them alone. So many guys run hot and cold and it drives us women crazy trying to figure them out. I guess women do that, too, and drive men crazy! So it's not the same as a shy guy who is nervous. I love those guys.
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 A lot of women won't approach men because it's not the 'done thing'. If you think you've got insecurity issues then you want to hear some of the issues women have, they'll blow yours out of the water. Your cousin was fortunate that his wife pursued him, a lot of women won't. They'll give strong indications that they are interested in you and then the ball is in your court. Fat has nothing to do with your problems. My friend is overweight and his girlfriend could easily be a model. Your problem is your mindset and your attitude. Until you start thinking like a Champion, and until your attitude becomes more upbeat and positive you'll just turn women off. That's ashame because I think you have a lot going for you and I'm afraid that you might never realise your potential. Then that's the woman's problem. She doesn't want to do a tad bit of pursuing, then she shouldn't be surprised nor should she complain when she dates a string of losers. That, to me is the root of this book, just an excuse for people to cut the shy people out of the game.
AHardDaysNight Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Then that's the woman's problem. She doesn't want to do a tad bit of pursuing, then she shouldn't be surprised nor should she complain when she dates a string of losers. That, to me is the root of this book, just an excuse for people to cut the shy people out of the game. Exactly. If the roles were reversed, and a man wrote a book called "She's just too ugly for you"...well, the feminists would be up in arms! A shy man is equal to an ugly woman. Both are equal.
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I don't disagree with you, but shy people need to learn to become more confident and to seize the opportunities that present themselves. It's all well and good sitting there waiting and hoping, but waiting and hoping don't get things done. Swift action gets things done. I think there's a difference between being socially crippled and being shy/reserved. A shy guy can have confidence, but not pursue every girl in the room. Especially when her "signals" consist of looking his way for 3.5 seconds and then abruptly looking away. Guys aren't mind readers when it comes to women's interest.
AHardDaysNight Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I think there's a difference between being socially crippled and being shy/reserved. A shy guy can have confidence, but not pursue every girl in the room. Especially when her "signals" consist of looking his way for 3.5 seconds and then abruptly looking away. Guys aren't mind readers when it comes to women's interest. Yeah, I agree. I've been confused when a girl is all smiley and flirty, and then she becomes cold when I show interest. It makes me not want to ask out women, because I hate that feeling.
oaks Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 If a shy guy is interested in a girl, he won't pursue her. That's something to remember that's very important. It isn't important at all unless you're looking for a shy guy.
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 A shy guy can have confidence? It seems like an oxymoron to me. Women who look at a man and then look away when the man makes eye contact are shy women. If I saw a woman do that to me, I would walk over and introduce myself and have done so in the past. I don't know whether or not this girl is interested in me, so I try and have a small conversation with her to try and feel if there is interest from her part and my part too. If I feel we're getting on well and my gut instinct tells me she maybe interested then I'll proceed from there and I'm not the most confident person either, but you can only get confidence by putting yourself in unfamiliar situations. Yes they can. Shyness may have a correlation with low confidence but one does not automatically mean the other. And in the case of the woman who looks at you and then looks away, well, that makes you a better man than me I guess. Because I would not do that with a stranger. That kind of "interest" is not the kind that would get me to pursue. However if she were to say hi or otherwise give an overt opportunity for me to start a conversation I would be far more comfortable. Otherwise we're just coddling women and telling them it's ok to just sit around waiting for prince charming to come and sweep her off her feet. Guys are expected to be the pursuers and chasers in the dating game and if you aren't prepared or cannot pursue women then you can expect to have a less than pleasant journey through the dating world. It's harsh, but true. Well, considering that most of the shy/reserved types are actually pretty good guys and a good percentage of the non-shy types aren't, I would argue that it's the women who can "expect to have a less than pleasant journey through the dating world" by not being just a tad bit more assertive. I'm not even saying women should ask men out, just be a little bit more assertive.
Lucky_One Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 The book is written in generalities. In general, men like to pursue. They like to hunt. They like to chase. Some of y'all are acting like generalities are personal affronts to you, because you are shy or fat. In general, women like to be pursued. We like to have clear signals of a man's interest before we begin to signal back. Look at animals. You don't see a peahen backing up to the peacock until he has puffed out his chest, called to her a few times, and displayed his tail; he has to attract her with his "manliness" before she will allow him to mate with her. There are always exceptions to the rule, but in GENERAL, if a guy doesn't pursue a girl actively, then he is not into her.
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 The book is written in generalities. In general, men like to pursue. They like to hunt. They like to chase. Some of y'all are acting like generalities are personal affronts to you, because you are shy or fat. I can't speak for others, but I don't feel that way at all. All I've been saying is that you pays your money and you takes your choice. If a woman wait around to be pursued that's fine, but inevitably she will be pursued by a few not-so-good guys (probably will date a few of them too) who like to pursue and who have confidence. If a woman can accept that as par for the course then I think there's nothing wrong with wanting the guy to pursue. Otherwise she could stand to be a little bit more assertive (not drastically more, just a tad).
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