sally1530 Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 Wedding cancelled/internet cheating/moved out/what to do? Post: 1 | Quote: My finance and I dated for 8 months, very happy, then on Christmas day he proposed with no pressure from me, I was truly surprised and happy. We lived separately and then we planned at may 22nd, 2004 wedding, it was kinda a stressful situation for us , I moved in in early march, things were tight with time to plan the wedding, he seemed to be okay, except it seemed like he was getting cold feet... he's almost 38 and never been in a relationship more than a year. Never been married yet, no kids. I am 34 and have had a 7 year relationship and no marriage or kids. We both seemed to want the same things, marriage , kids, family, happiness... I don't know what went wrong, but he insisted on having a stripper, for the bachelor party, we got into many disagreements and he wouldn't give it up, I then found out a week before my shower he was online with his profile and picture on lava-life looking for intimate encounters (sexual) with women for our entire engagement of 4 months. He was mad that I found out. He also admitted he was on some porn sites too. I got mad , I thought we made up, I told him I could forgive him and that we would need to work on building our trust with one another again. I think he was very scared to commit. Anyway everything seemed fine for a few days, he sent me "I love you" email's...etc. then that Friday night before the Saturday morning wedding shower, I come home to our house, and he said he has already canceled the wedding and I need to move out the next day. So I did. He went to two consuling sessions with me and we were blaming each other and its wasn't very nice. He wanted the ring back and for me to pay 1/2 of the wedding cost.. well number one I gave him back the ring , cause he said he might have made a mistake and wanted to be able to give it back to me another time in the future if things work out for us... right? hello, my first mistake.... second I made him pay all the wedding costs and penalties because he is the one who called it off. He sent out to our families without my knowledge " mutual consent" cards that we both agreed to walk away from the marriage... not what happened... he has had no more contact with me at all its been almost a month... I still love him and didn't think things were that bad to cancel the wedding, maybe postpone to a later date so we could work on things... but to be so drastic and sudden,, really hurt. He asked for "space" or "time" to figure out what he wants in life and to work on his issues... Does this mean its truly over? Can he just walk away, one month ago he loved me and now he dosent? What should I do? He is completely closing me off... no calls, no emails, no visits.... he hasn't even told his family and friends anything exept that we were working things out to some family members and other friends he said we have "irreconsiable differences". What should I do, my heart is aching , I miss him and he is the love of my life, what to do? Will he come back to me? Should I go to him? How long is "time" ? 6 months??? a year? Never? He has told me that I focused too much emotional time on recovering from my mothers sudden death last august and that since we got engaged on christmas that we didnt have enough " us" time while I was planning the wedding.... he wanted to be engaged longer.... I was living with him from early march to end of april when he broke it off. He said I didnt give him enough attention .... well we had no problems in the bedroom.... I know that... but he just wanted to play " x-box" this video game and be on his computer like 15-20 hours a week .... so almost every other night from 9pm-1am he would do this...I didnt realize while I was sleeping in the next room he was chatting with gals on the internet asking them to send him naked pictures.... whats wrong with him... Im beautiful, fit, there in his bed, wanting him to open up emotionally to me.... and he wants to excape to fantancy>>> He hasnt tried to contact me anymore... for a week now... dont think I will be hearing from him... he told his parents " something was missing " in our relationship and he had doubts.... well, humm that would be honest, trust and respect >>>> I agree something was missing. I gave him those things and more. He didnt appricate them. I just cant believe one month ago we were together and things seems fine. Now things are not at all... It seems like a nightmare I cant get out of ... it totally sucks... how could he play me like this.... why? He hasnt said hes sorry, or even that he cheated.... he said he didnt cross the " emotional or physical line" so thats not cheating... what is that??? I could have accepted that fact that he had doubts and was scared to committ, but just giving up on us and quitting like that and shutting me out... well that I dont understand... What should I do?
pixiechick Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 Well, the first thing that got my attention was that he is 38 and never had a serious relationship. I think that by that point in life, if a person didn't have issues which kept them from relationships, then just the fact that they are halfway through life is an issue . So either way, this is his problem. You should be sure not to blame yourself. For some reason, after 38 years, he decided he was able to commit to you. So I would say that there is a substantial connection that can be built upon if you are both willing. So what triggered his backing out? Well, your catching him on the internet probably threatened him. For whatever issues he has with commitment, he got scared when you caught him, and probably all of his old feelings welled up inside him. I say that this is something that he needs to deal with on his own first. Then, if he finds himself willing to go through with the marriage, you can work on it together.
Author sally1530 Posted May 14, 2004 Author Posted May 14, 2004 well marriage was cancelled by him it was supposed to by next week. He made me move out the next day and has not wanted to talk to me or see me since I made him pay for the wedding cause he cancelled it. I did give him back the ring...that he gave to me for x-mas as a gift... I thought that was generious to do...he thought I owed it to him. Havent seen him since I gave back the ring. I think we could work this out, but he thinks hes damaged me beyond repair... hes not even giving me a chance or us a chance to make this work. What should I do.
pixiechick Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 I would tell him how you feel, don't get caught up in the financial issues. You can not do or say anything that will change his mind. Cancelling the wedding is a big deal. Apparently he is feeling bad enough about things that he is not willing to contact you. I think it is because he got scared. And now, to go back to you, would be admitting he has a problem. If you can get him to listen to you and tell him that you want to continue with the relationship, maybe he will feel less threatened. The man has deep problems that he has to deal with on his own. Let him know that you exactly what you are willing to do to keep things going. Maybe he needs time, probably couseling, but for sure he needs to know that you still love him. I think that the arguement about the ring, expenses took both of your attention away from the real issue. You need to decide what you need from him to continue the relationship. NOT a list of ultimatums, but the actions that will show you he is invested in the relationship. Trust should be on the top of the list.
Author sally1530 Posted May 14, 2004 Author Posted May 14, 2004 He said he needs time for himself to figure out what he wants in life and to work on his issues... He cant give me a time frame and he shutting me out.... what to do? Should I make one last in person visit and talk with him, he cant even look me in the eye right now.
pixiechick Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 His not being able to look you in the eye tells me that he feels guilty. So I say, yes, go see him, be prepared with what you want to say. But don't expect that he will react well, if at all. But make sure he knows you still love him and do want to try to make things work. Then you'll have to walk away and wait for him. But please dont wait too long. Figure out for yourself how long to give him, and when the day comes, if he hasnt made an effort, be ready to give up. Don't tell him "you've got til august" or anything. But tell youself how far you are willing to go and stick to it.
Ifeelforyou Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 While engaged, you found out he was on lavalife on the intimate section and on porn sites, he lied to you, kicked you out of the house, refuses to speak to you and treated you very poorly. I'm curious - why do you want him back?
Author sally1530 Posted May 17, 2004 Author Posted May 17, 2004 I guess I want the man I thought I knew back... the man I fell in love with , who I thought wanted to marry me. Im not so sure I want the man who was lying and cheating on me and verbally abusing me. He has some deep issues I dont think I want to waste anymore time on.... hes only thinking of himself and his needs right now... and I shoudl do the same. I deserve better... he will repeat this cycle of hurting women again and again.... I dont believe he could ever have a relationship with a woman for more than a year.... at that point the excitement phase and the " hunt" is over and he needs a new challenge... that is what he told me was that the excitement of the first date, first time in bed, first everythings.... is gone... well I cant give it to him again... It sucks that he is not sorry for his actions.... and that he cant admit he has a problem. I do think he loved me, but I think he was too selfish with his sexual additions to ever be able to have a real , emotionally furfilling relationship with me. As soon as I found out who he really was, he bolted... the Jig was up, he had to leave and start the "game" over with someone new.... a new victim.
Author sally1530 Posted June 22, 2004 Author Posted June 22, 2004 Well its been 2 months to the day the wedding was called off, its been really hard on me, but getting past the wedding date of may 22nd and the honeymoon time has helped. I am dating a christian man now , who is a teacher and is wanting a serious relationship. He is so much more than my ex-fiance was, maybe not by looks but looks are very decieving. He and I have been dating for 3 weeks now and everything is going well. I have hopes that this will work for the best! I now know I would have been settling for my ex by marrying him and we would have been divorced with a year. I am thankful now that things worked out this way, just wish he didnt have to be such an royal selfish *ss. But now I have hope that there are honest , good people who want that same things as I do. So thanks so much everyone for all your support. I has really made me heal faster and get back my self esteem.
Author sally1530 Posted June 29, 2004 Author Posted June 29, 2004 Its been two months now since he broke off the engagement. we have only had one email ( short- him saying hes moving on) and that was 3 weeks ago. Why cant my heart and my head connect and let him go? There are so many questions I have that I never got answers to. Its hard to have closure when you dont get closure. I have the urge to email him... because I still have a fragement of hope.... its stupid I guess ....but I do.... what should I do?
Author sally1530 Posted July 2, 2004 Author Posted July 2, 2004 I sent one last email about a three days ago which is about 10 weeks after everything/ a nice one at that and he sent me a long nasty gram saying it was all my fault for him wanting to cancel the wedding, that he had doubts and had to do what was right for him. He said he continued with our wedding based on pity and feeling sorry for me.... how cruel... to say that. He said he didnt cheat, but even if he didnt cheat, he was lying the entire relationship while he was keeping his options open. He was decieving me. Hes not sorry for his actions at all and is pissed at me for sticking him with the bills... even after I gave him back the ring. Is this normal? Is he mad only because of the money and that I found out about his secret and made him feel ashamed? The trust was broken but he acts like it was my fault for looking... that I shouldnt have found out and messed things up. He was going to marry me if I didnt find out ... it sucks that he feels this way about me and we went from loving each other to him hating me. He has caused me more pain than anyone in my life but then again I really loved him. I really hoped he would change and would want to get back together with me, but now I realize its never going to happen. By his choice. If anyone should be pissed shouldnt it be me? He proposed, he decieved and lied, he broke trust , I forgave him and he lied some more and cancelled the wedding from underneath me. I was the last to know and then told to move out in 12 hours. I have tried not to hate him and be forgiving and look at this as a blessing but it does hurt me that he thinks he knew me so well and he really didnt from what hes been saying in the last email. Maybe he needs to hate me to move on... Any advice?
StartingAgain Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 I think you are onto something about his being ashamed. Certainly, if he was looking for other women to have sex with, he shouldn't have been getting married. Seems like he figured it out. Sorry, but I think he has a point about wanting an accounting of how the money he gave you ase spent. $15K is a lot of money and he has a right to know how it is being used. Also, a wman always returns her engagement ring to a man if they break up. He doesn't have to accept it, but she must still offer. It really isn't her ring; it's his. A woman doesn't get wedding/engagement rings as gifts. Rather she wears his rings (and her hers) as an outward symbol of their committment. Now, he told you that he didn't want contact with you and you continued to contact him. He told you he didn't have anything to say to you and you contact him again. So he got ugly. He said some thing he shouldn't have. But you should have honored his desire for no contact. Oh, you have ample cause to be pissed. I'd say that you dodged a major bullet. Thank your lucky stars.
dasani08810 Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 Maybe he needs to hate me to move on... Yep! It can't possibly be their fault; it has to be someone elses (sarcasm). He canceled the wedding, he lied, HE DID THIS! Not you. Consider yourself lucky you didn't marry him; and his guilt hit him before his anger did, otherwise you would have been stuck with the bills. The bottom line is, "don't shiit where you eat". He did and he paid the price. I, personally, wouldn't give this guy the time of day. You have no obligation to him whatsoever over this. He did what he did, you called him on it. Sounds to me like he's just a tad on the narccisistic side.
Author sally1530 Posted July 2, 2004 Author Posted July 2, 2004 I know I sent him his a few emails since this all happened saying I was happy and moving on and that I was sorry things didnt work out and that I would have done some things differently if given another chance... He was upset that I moved on so quickly and started dating so soon... but I had to to get back my self esteem.... I was crushed and felt rejected to the highest degree... I felt like nothing and needed to go out on a few dates to see that Im not so bad and that I am wanted and appricated. Was that wrong? He said he has thought what it would be like if he met another woman...so after that email... I assumed he wanted to date other people... he wouldnt clearify... maybe I should have waited a couple of months to see if he would have come back.... but then what happened if he didnt? I figured if he cancelled the wedding that that meant that he didnt want to spend the rest of his life with me ... so why would we go back to causal dating?
StartingAgain Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 Let's see, he was cruising the web looking for chicks to do the nasty with him when he was about to be married, but he gets upset with you because he felt that you'd started dating too soon after he dumps you out of the blue. Yeah, that smacks of lunacy to me. I don't think you did anything wrong by going out for some casual dating. You get to decide when it's time. I agree wih someone else said. If at 38, he'd nver had a significant successful relationship, there's definitely something terribly wrong with him. I briefly dated a woman who at 40 had never been in a significant relationship. It didn't take long to see why! Someone wrote something in another post that I really liked: "If you don't have any baggage it's because you've never travelled." Someone can't get to me my age (mid-40s) and not carry a few scars.
Author sally1530 Posted July 26, 2004 Author Posted July 26, 2004 Update: Its been 3 months now.... im getting better everyday... Im breaking free of all his mind games that he played and my self esteem is growing as well. I will never let a man do what he did to me again.... as far as the verbal abuse... I cant stop someone from cheating but I can sure find out when he is... One day he will see that he gave up something really good .... for those cheap internet gals wanting just sex.
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