trying to accept.

[Dblock10]

I am trying to gain internal closure for myself at the moment. as i feel this is really dragging on now. And i dont want to feel stupid for clinging on only to then hurt later down the road.

 

And i was thinking how maybe it might help if i thought back to how it "felt" when i went to go see my ex 9 weeks ago for that last time (prior to that meeting i hadnt seen her for 5 weeks..), like i remember what my gut was telling me, it wasnt the same anymore. maybe thats because i knew it was the end?

 

(and although she had already decided to move on when she left to travel and for us not to make it work or try, i still went to see her to explain my words and actions leading up to the rockiness between us about the whole situation).

 

I remember how it felt "different", and kind of like that feeling you get when you know someone is just being "nice". And doing it because they felt they "had to" rather than because they actually wanted to be doing it. know what i'm saying?

 

it explains why at night she didn't get intimate with me. she didn't even kiss me passionately, she was withdrawn already.

 

after this time of seeing her, she went nc on me as did i with her for 7 weeks before i said hello to her just to see if she would talk. she did, and she apologised for not having been in contact, because she had just been too busy.

 

either way, she is in america right now and when she is on fb she doesn't talk to me, that hurts.

 

i find it difficult to accept or acknowledge that this is how she is towards me. i find rejection very hard. all my life i have wanted acceptance from girls as at school i never got attention from the opposite sex. so when i'm with one that i have shared something with, i cant handle that their feelings have changed or how ever you want to word it.

 

i am very caring and remember the smallest most unimportant things that come back and seem to mean something, for no reason.

 

i am not using NC as a tool or vice to get her back. its just i feel like really nc is my only given option left, given that she is on an adventure travelling for that amount of time. she doesn't want to hear from me or she'd have made more of an effort to initiate contact with me by now, i cant pester her, as much as i want to talk to her she may not appreciate it.. so it feels like i am being pulled apart by this no contact between us and that i am drifting further and further away, yet at the same time there is nothing i can do.

 

i guess i could talk to her? obvioulsy, but would i end up in the friend zone. would it make matters worse for me etc etc. its just all a big complicated mess and full of fear for regrets. not that i am scared to talk to her. its hard to explain. i do like talking to her but knowing i cant really change anything makes you feel weak.

 

as someone stated in my other thread communication is a two way thing, and if one party wants more then the conversation and power balance will always be out of sync.

 

i think ive had enough time to heal now. i dont cry about her anymore on a night out, dreams become less, anxiety has dropped, but it doesnt mean i stop wanting her or what i had.

 

i dont feel like i am waiting for her to come back to me, i just feel like 6 months is a hell of a long time and she and i would be different people by then anyway and all thats happening is we have and are drifting further apart, she has and is moving on. i dont want to be the guy that then later finds out she has a new boyfriend and thats that. cause thats what happened with her ex, i was "that" guy. and he probably felt horrible about it.

 

but obviously part of me doesnt want that to become the reality of the situation so its like i must fight for her or something. take action.

 

 

is this all my fault? for not telling her straight from the start of the whole travelling situation that i would want to stay with her. maybe i am confusing myself over all this.

Edited October 4, 2011 by Dblock10

[B_55]

First thing first, N.C. isn't a tool to be used over your ex, it's so you can get over her. It seems to me that N.C. isn't your last option, you still have ways of talking to her. Even if she ignores you, its important not to try to contact her at all.

 

I will be completely, brutally, honest with you. If she is ignoring you she does not want to talk to you. You are right, so keep N.C. up. I would remove her from FB and get rid of her number. I know its hard, but it makes keeping up N.C. much easier.

 

There is no time limit to get over someone, take your time and try to improve yourself.

 

The most important thing you should know is that break ups are never just one persons fault. There is an equal mix of her and your fault.

 

-B

[Dblock10]

well in that case, its worked 50%. yeah i still have ways of talking to her. she hasnt once ignored me. maybe i need to stay in contact and see what happens throughout her journey. whilst at the same time live my life and carry on.

 

she hasnt ignored me once, when i have spoken to her on both occasions.

 

not sure if break ups are always equal. but yeah know what you mean.

[Rorschach64]

Dblock,

 

Don't stay in contact with her, if she contacts you fine and dandy be nice and polite that's about it, never ask for anything of her.

 

Stop beating yourself up over this man You did nothing wrong, plain and simple my good man!

 

I know it is hard to shed the lingering guilt of something you didn't do or something you had to do. I am still kind of in the same spot emotionally speaking from my break up. You must accept it as something that is said and done, nothing you can do about it no matter how much you wish for it to change.

[LelouchIsZero]

The most important thing you should know is that break ups are never just one persons fault. There is an equal mix of her and your fault.

 

I disagree with this. Yes, its true that some amount of fault belongs to the dumpee, but saying its an equal amount is wrong.

[fallenheart]

You think you've had enough time to heal?

 

HOW???? You haven't even accepted the fact that this girl left you....you are still in complete denial.....your healing process hasn't even begun!!

 

Why? Cause you won't let it begin!! You'd rather wrap yourself in delusions like a warm blanket and wallow in it than face reality.

 

This girl flat out broke up with you....to your FACE 9 weeks ago.

 

Sounds like she was as fair and clear about it as one could hope in such a situation.

 

YOU are the one that chose to craft another reality and to deny what was actually happening.

 

Rejection SUCKS. It f-ing sucks and there is no way around it. I've been rejected so many times. I've been rejected by the girl I wanted to marry and make kids with and die an old man with....and it was 5 years ago she rejected me and it STILL sucks!! But it happened. And I have to live with it. We all do.

 

The 7 months you were with her were probably the happiest of your life, but unfortunately, she didn't feel the same way. I'm so sorry man, but she didn't. And as you get older, you'll see that 7 months isn't really that long a time.

 

You WILL feel connected to another girl again...but it ain't gonna happen until you heal yourself and get over this.

 

Don't talk to her. She has nothing to say to you now. You're strangers now. Let her go and live her life. You are no longer a part of that life and you shouldn't care what the hell she is up to. It' s no longer your business. Let her go!!

 

Delete her goddamn facebook already and move on and start living your OWN life!!

[Kamila]

Hey Dblock10,

 

why did you guys break up in the first place ? Was the love gone, did she want something else, something you couldn't give her, did she want her freedom back ? Did you talk about it ? Maybe you didn't want to talk about it, because it hurt too much. That is understandable...

 

A reason (or reasons) can help you start initiating the healing process. You won't entirely forget her because part of you will always love her. As soon as you find something to cling onto, don't go to her FB-page anymore, lower your contact with her. It will make it easier for you to move on.

 

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend more than a year ago, the reason for our breakup was the lack of commitment of my ex. We basically wanted different things in our lives. He didn't want to be tied in a family structure with kids. He wanted to still have his freedom. Even though we loved each other, our personalities, ideas and life goals differed immensily. To come to that conclusion, you'll have to be honest with yourself and approach this more rationally. Sometimes feelings get in the way, and you can't think clearly.

 

Start no contact to see things more clearly, take a step back, it won't be easy, but it's worth a try.

[1Dunno]

Dblock,

 

In some ways I think you are heading in the right direction, but you seriously have to let go of the idea of staying in contact with her. You may think that the diplomacy and circumstances of the breakup indicates that there still may be a chance of reconciliation. I'm not sure exactly which words were exchanged, but girls often throw s**t out there like "let's just see what happens" to get you off their back. Our minds have an extraordinary ability to filter out what we don't want to hear, and only accept glimmers of hope. It's a coping mechanism, but unfortunately often drags out the healing process, especially if you remain in contact with your ex.

 

Wanting to let go is what I've found to be the biggest hurdle in moving on so far; or more to the point, not wanting to let go. But we have to eventually let go because we have no other option.

 

Her lack of initiating contact indicates that she has no feelings for you. If she didn't have feelings for you after 7 months of being together (or not enough to want to continue), then why the hell would her feelings suddenly have changed after the breakup?

[Dblock10]

thanks again for the replies people!

 

heres the thing, i don't think i am in denial, i know she left, I know she isnt here anymore.

 

See the reason i am finding it hard to accept and what i feel i am actually in denial about isnt that she left me and wanted to be free/single to travel the world with her best mate and have no worries etc i understand that..

 

what it is, is that when we did break up, she told me she didn't really want to, but there were no realistic options and that it wasn't practical to stay in a labeled relationship when we cant see each other for that long. plus the whole uncertainty about her where about's and work once back.

 

she said if you love something let it go. if it comes back then it was yours etc etc. and that we should keep each other updated with our lives. so whats hurting me the most right now, is that she isnt wanting to make the first move in terms of talking to me, even when she gets the chance cause i can see she is on fb chat...

 

rorsch, are you saying then i shouldn't del and block her from my life..

 

I am trying to come to terms with it was what was said and done. its a good way to look at it.

 

I do feel i have had a substantial amount of time to heal yeah, based on how ive been through a much worse break up before than this, and i am doing so much better at coping than i did that first time around. fair enough i may not be fully healed, or i wouldn't be on this website a lot.

 

It wasnt even the happiest 7 months mate, i had some great times with her, but just being with her was great. i tried hard to please her and be the best i could be even if we did have disagreements, mainly i got upset with her attitude. i didnt like who she was when drunk, and i didnt like that it seemed that she didnt really think about my feelings.

 

7 months is nothing! ive been in a 3.5 year relationship before. and you know what last night i dreamt about that girl. that hasnt happened for ages.

 

I agree it feels like we are strangers and thats what we will become. but i have power to change that. i could talk to her. she will reply to me. but yeah i am no longer a part of her life and i dont care what she is up to. i know she will be having a blast. she has probably already hooked up with various guys. but then again i dont know that. i could be totally wrong. she could just be enjoying her friends company.

[fallenheart]

heres the thing, i don't think i am in denial, i know she left, I know she isnt here anymore.

 

Wrong. Your first sentence is a denial. She didn't just "leave" physically. She BROKE UP WITH YOU. Period!! She ENDED the relationship.....FOREVER! You still haven't entertained this notion as a possibility....you are in complete denial!!!

 

See the reason i am finding it hard to accept and what i feel i am actually in denial about isnt that she left me and wanted to be free/single to travel the world with her best mate and have no worries etc i understand that..

 

what it is, is that when we did break up, she told me she didn't really want to, but there were no realistic options and that it wasn't practical to stay in a labeled relationship when we cant see each other for that long. plus the whole uncertainty about her where about's and work once back.

 

Oh man. Dude. Are you really that naive at 24? SHE LIED TO YOU. She was trying to spare your feelings. She gave you the oldest cliche in the book!! That line about "letting something go if you love it" was already old when cavewomen were using it on cavemen!!

 

What it comes down to is she was too scared to be honest and direct so she gave you the runaround.

 

You think she's avoiding you on facebook for any other reason that she just plain doesn't like you any more and has completely moved on with her life?

 

Please man....pull your head out of the sand and look at what you're doing to yourself! You think you have any "power" to change anything about this situation? You're right in that respect...you have the power to ignore her forever and walk away and start your life over.

 

If you think you have the power to get her to start talking to you, respecting you, and loving you....well....you're absolutely wrong there.

 

She's never coming back. She stopped loving you a long time ago and you need to accept that if you don't want to be posting 3 messages a day here about how miserable you are for the rest of your life!!

[1Dunno]

Oh man. Dude. Are you really that naive at 24? SHE LIED TO YOU. She was trying to spare your feelings. She gave you the oldest cliche in the book!! That line about "letting something go if you love it" was already old when cavewomen were using it on cavemen!!

 

^^^ This. So much this.

 

REMEMBER: Actions speak louder than words. Sure she might have told you that you should keep each other updated on your lives. She lied through her teeth; she doesn't give a s**t about your life or your feelings, regardless of what she may have said. That has been made abundandtly clear as she has not initiated conversation with you at all.

[Dblock10]

good replies. why do i find it hard to accept she may/was lying to me?

 

i swear she was genuine but actions are louder as you say.

 

ok, last night i went out. my friend took a camera out and there are some pictures of me and him with girls, and me with girls.

 

i suddenly thought, sh*t what if my ex thinks i got with those girls :S cause i didn't.. and also i thought to myself. what if i sleep with another girl and then my ex comes back after travelling and hasnt slept with anyone. i would feel like ass...

[smudge21]

She's your ex, not your girlfriend or wife. Do you think for one second she's worrying about what you'll think about her if she posts a picture of her between two guys?

 

Put the pictures on your Facebook and feel good. You need to move away from this connection to her. It's totally one sided and not helping you at all. Maybe by putting the pics up she'll see them and send you a message saying "glad to see you're dating again." then the realisation that she doesn't care what you do may just kick you into gear.

 

You can't carry on like this for the next 6 months otherwise when she comes back you'll be such a mess!

[Dblock10]

true. i dont think for one second she would worry about posting up pics of her and other guys. she probably already has. i dont look. what i mean is, if i saw her update her profile pic with her and another guy that would hurt. and visa versa i dont want to put a pic of me and a girl etc as i dont want to hurt her. even if she is my ex. if she spoke to me saying that, it would actually show she cares lol. so that would be something. truth is, she wont. she doesn't care.

 

yeah not sure how i will handle it when she comes back :S havent thought about it. all i know is i feel ive lost someone dear.

[smudge21]

Acceptance is the hardest thing to do as you can't force it to happen and no one can help you with it either. It just has to happen on its own. You're not there yet by a long shot, but slowly it will happen.

 

Don't thing about what she may or may not feel, think about what you feel. You are the most important person right now... not her.

[fallenheart]

i dont want to put a pic of me and a girl etc as i dont want to hurt her.

 

It wouldn't hurt her. If anything, she would feel RELIEF.

 

This is your stumbling block...the part you can't get over or accept....the part that shows how you are still 100% in denial.

 

She simply doesn't care.....she is no longer a factor in your life or your decisions.....stop thinking of her in that context. She doesn't exist as your girlfriend anymore.....hell....she doesn't exist IN YOUR LIFE ANYMORE.

 

Post the pics....go out and meet more girls and post their pics too.....she couldn't care less. She's GONE.

[Sugarkane]

It is difficult when you've done nothing wrong, yet they change and want nothing to do with you.

[Dblock10]

yeah i guess so.

 

you know its weird cause something in me clicked yesterday, i thought to myself how strange it will be even once she is back. we could never just meet up and be normal. too much time space and events would have taken place.

 

what we had is gone. for good. we will only ever be strangers now, especially if she never talks to me whilst she's travelling.

 

it is extremely hard when you havent done anything wrong as you say yet they go off in a different direction. maybe its her way of dealing with it also. since i am a good guy, she must have felt bad in some form or another

[fallenheart]

yeah i guess so.

maybe its her way of dealing with it also. since i am a good guy, she must have felt bad in some form or another

 

Her way of dealing with what? Dumping some dead weight that was holding her back from what she wanted to do with her life? Why are you imagining all these scenarios for her? All we know is she LEFT you....she never looked back....and it's OVER.

 

Stop trying to imagine that anything different happened cause it didn't!! THIS IS REALITY!

 

And she MUST have felt bad? Why do you assume she felt bad? Why do you assume she feels anything? How do you even know a single thing about how she feels?? Maybe she LIKES hurting you!! Maybe seeing you squirm makes her happy! Maybe she gets off on your pain and misery!!

 

In other words......stop f-ucking thinking about her already!! She's GONE GONE GONE!! Give it up.....her opinions and feelings and whatever are totally irrelevant.....cause you'll never know. It simply doesn't matter.

 

Just pretend she's dead. Just think....she died and now I need to move on. Cause that's basically what happened. She no longer HAS feelings cause she's dead......get it??

[esteem-jam]

Man, you should listen to what fallenheart and others say. Im in same boat (read: Im in same bot with you, can you imagine being on boat and there is me, fallenheart, smudge, others? thats it ;p) as you, so probably cant give you good advice, it would be like blind leading the blind, but... listen to what people tell you.

 

Only concern why you should be worried about posting pics with girls is- *can you maintain*, cause, one day youre a player, but other day not?

You should date other girls, cause its what she is doing, believe me, if not doing, then considering, cause there are men around her where she is. And NO, she wont come back running to you when/if she returns, cause look...

 

What couples do? They want to be together, all the time, they spend their time, keep calling, emailing, updating, going to places, cuddling, sex, meeting parents, brothers, sisters, its what couples do. You are not a couple, she isnt doing these things with you. If she liked you she would be with you and do these things, but she isnt. Find somebody that is OK to be like that.

[Dblock10]

her way with dealing with moving on. i didnt want her to feel like i was holding her back so gave her the choice and respected that decision either way. cause at the end of the day it isnt just a holiday she is going on. its a life altering experience for half a year.

 

she never looked back. that is hard for me to deal with for sure.

 

she felt bad in the sense that when i told her how i was finding it hard to come to terms with she said she was sorry for ever putting me in this situation. and she would miss me when she goes.

 

trying to stop. i am sure i will soon. I dont want to put her in the "dead" category and never talk to her ever again much like my first ex. seems sad and a bit pointless. its not like we were married or had children.

 

i am listening man, it does make sense its just really harsh. well yeah i can maintain it, i always talk to girls. just none ever take my fancy

 

she is travelling the world. i doubt she is dating tbh. i dont however doubt that her and her best mate havent met some guys and been to a party or what not etc etc