Feeling guilty, yet still continuing....

[Wandaland]

I've been watching Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal on OWN TV. After watching a few episodes, I find that it's funny how the cheating spouses said that they felt guilty, and ashamed, and remorseful right after the first time they had an affair, and yet they STILL continue to cheat for the next few months. Um, didn't that totally contradict what they just said? "Oh I felt horrible, I disrespected my marriage, I regretted it, I hate myself for what I did....so I continued to have any affair with this person".......um...

 

That just makes no freakin' sense. If you really felt guilty and ashamed, then you would have stopped after that and confessed to your spouse because you felt that they deserve to know.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm missing something here. Can someone please help me understand this?

[Owl]

Simple math.

 

The pleasure of continuing the affair > the pain of the guilt they're feeling.

 

Nothing will change until the equation changes.

[ladydesigner]

I've been watching Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal on OWN TV. After watching a few episodes, I find that it's funny how the cheating spouses said that they felt guilty, and ashamed, and remorseful right after the first time they had an affair, and yet they STILL continue to cheat for the next few months. Um, didn't that totally contradict what they just said? "Oh I felt horrible, I disrespected my marriage, I regretted it, I hate myself for what I did....so I continued to have any affair with this person".......um...

 

That just makes no freakin' sense. If you really felt guilty and ashamed, then you would have stopped after that and confessed to your spouse because you felt that they deserve to know.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm missing something here. Can someone please help me understand this?

 

It doesn't make sense I agree with you.

 

To be honest I did not feel any guilt during my A. I was so mad at my H for how he had been treating me years prior and then discovering his infidelity. I did not feel guilt until recently, now that I understand how bad my actions have been. I felt guilt for my XOM's girlfriend because she did not deserve what I or my XOM did to her. She still doesn't know.

 

But to feel guilt and ashamed after the first encounter and then go back for more...no I don't believe that. I'm pretty sure there is no guilt on their part. The one's that feel guilty or ashamed probably end the A after the first encounter.

[Osiris1234]

No, they don't regret cheating, they regret getting caught.

[East7]

Because it is like stopping to take a drug. You know it was bad, you regret having used it but still you crave it. The withdrawal can be a very long process.

 

Just because they feel guilty and remorseful, doesn't mean that they are emotionally over their AP. It takes a lot of time and eventually IC/MC to heal from the addiction.

[Spark1111]

I have read the guilt can be all consuming. Why keep going back for more? Because being with your Affair Partner is the ONLY place you do not feel guilty as they welcome you with open arms.

 

Addiction, guilt, depression....what alleviates the depression?

 

Another fix of your feel-good addiction - the affair partner, followed by guilt, depression and the cycle continues ad nauseum.

 

Like any drug addict's cycle, only we romanticize affairs with emotions, but the brain chemistry is the same.

 

Just substitute the word "heroin" for "affair partner."

 

They cycle is the same, chemically speaking.

[Wandaland]

Just substitute the word "heroin" for "affair partner."

But I don't think it would be the same thing. With heroin, you only feel ashamed of yourself. But with continuing the affair, you're not only ashamed of yourself, but you're also ashamed for betraying your spouse. So that's like twice as bad.

[Spark1111]

But I don't think it would be the same thing. With heroin, you only feel ashamed of yourself. But with continuing the affair, you're not only ashamed of yourself, but you're also ashamed for betraying your spouse. So that's like twice as bad.

 

I disagree. A heroin addict feels shame and guilt for letting down his family too! That's why he hides his addiction, lies about it, but when he needs the fix, keeps going back for more. At that point, he NEEDS to STOP thinking of his family to partake of his addiction.

 

Affairs are very similiar.

[nyrias2]

I've been watching Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal on OWN TV. After watching a few episodes, I find that it's funny how the cheating spouses said that they felt guilty, and ashamed, and remorseful right after the first time they had an affair, and yet they STILL continue to cheat for the next few months. Um, didn't that totally contradict what they just said? "Oh I felt horrible, I disrespected my marriage, I regretted it, I hate myself for what I did....so I continued to have any affair with this person".......um...

 

That just makes no freakin' sense. If you really felt guilty and ashamed, then you would have stopped after that and confessed to your spouse because you felt that they deserve to know.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm missing something here. Can someone please help me understand this?

 

Sure. Have you ever gone to a AA meeting? Know a compulsive gambler? Or even a smoker who can't quit.

 

Affairs are not the ONLY thing people regret to do but can not stop. There are plenty of examples.

[nyrias2]

the idea of relating affairs to an addiction is, to be honest, something I have never really understood.

 

I'm not disagreeing, I just don't understand it. If I am to understand the feelings some people who were engaged in an affair, the "addictive" quality and extreme pain f it ending seem to be there even if only lasted a few weeks. Why is this so?

 

Maybe I am cold hearted, but I have been in relationships that ended, and, in the case of those that were short term, I don't think i ever needed weeks and weeks ( or months and months) to get over the pain- no matter who it was that ended the relationship or what the reason was for it ending. Why are affairs so different? Isn't the brain chemistry the same whether a relationship is an affair or not? ( again, not arguing, I just want to understand)

 

What is so hard to understand?

 

People can be addicted to video games, the internet, and many things a lot LESS alluring than the opposite sex.

 

In fact, it would be WEIRD if people cannot be addicted to affairs. Sex is the most powerful desire, you know.

[Snowflower]

piffle!

 

if this was the reason that affairs are considered to be so "addictive", then wouldn't every relationship where sex had been involved be as equally painful when it ends and be just as addictive? While it's often painful when a relationship ends, most relatively short term ones don't seem to require months of "grieving", painful attempts at "no contact", counseling, etc. to get over them. What about emotional affairs where no actual sex is involved?

 

To use your video game analogy... some people can play a video game and not get addicted, but let them play ( for example) world of warcraft, and they are hooked. Why is one different from the other?

 

I'm not saying the addiction isn't there, I'm just trying to understand why it is there

 

I had a difficult time understand the "addiction" part of affairs too. After all, I have never been in an affair or been addicted to anything (besides maybe, the internet, lol). No addiction in my family of origin, etc.

 

When my H and I were in MC after his affair, she explained how affairs are often like addictions. She went on to say that some people have addictive personalities that make them predisposed to addictions. As she worked with my H to understand his affair, they decided that he does have an addictive personality.

 

My H even very early on after d-day told me that talking to the OW was like an addiction. He wanted to stop but couldn't.

 

Spark really summed it up well below. Her post here was really eye-opening for me, now at nearly 3 years past d-day:

 

I have read the guilt can be all consuming. Why keep going back for more? Because being with your Affair Partner is the ONLY place you do not feel guilty as they welcome you with open arms.

 

Addiction, guilt, depression....what alleviates the depression?

 

Another fix of your feel-good addiction - the affair partner, followed by guilt, depression and the cycle continues ad nauseum.

 

Like any drug addict's cycle, only we romanticize affairs with emotions, but the brain chemistry is the same.

 

Just substitute the word "heroin" for "affair partner."

 

They cycle is the same, chemically speaking.

 

This really described my H during his affair. Especially going back to the AP because she would welcome him with open arms. Everyone else (including himself) was going to judge him.

 

Thanks for writing this, Spark. It helped.

[Circular]

the idea of relating affairs to an addiction is, to be honest, something I have never really understood.

 

I'm not disagreeing, I just don't understand it. If I am to understand the feelings some people who were engaged in an affair, the "addictive" quality and extreme pain f it ending seem to be there even if only lasted a few weeks. Why is this so?

 

Maybe I am cold hearted, but I have been in relationships that ended, and, in the case of those that were short term, I don't think i ever needed weeks and weeks ( or months and months) to get over the pain- no matter who it was that ended the relationship or what the reason was for it ending. Why are affairs so different? Isn't the brain chemistry the same whether a relationship is an affair or not? ( again, not arguing, I just want to understand)

 

You are overlooking one simple fact. All normal relationships end because one or both parties knows the relationship is over, can't work, there is something internal to the relationship that isn't right so the relationship is terminated. Sure, sometimes it's very one sided and the dumpee feels a lot of pain (go look on the breakup board) but in general one of the parties knows without a doubt, after usually lengthy rationalization and soul-searching that the relationship is failing and it is time to exit. Sometimes it's easier than that, I had a GF that lasted 3 weeks once, done, never looked back.

 

An A on the other hand usually ends for external reasons, not internal reasons. There are always extenuating factors, one or both parties are in a M; kids, guilt, fear of getting caught, shame or a d-day. It's those external factors a good 90%+ of the time that wind up ending the A. So the relationship never goes full-cycle, both parties will continue to question 'what if' because there are no internal forces breaking them apart. This and the other factors highlighted above force APs to be in this addictive cycle, never fully realizing the experience of a full relationship with the AP.

 

Imagine being on a train and meeting someone you had an amazing instant connection with, you talk, exchange numbers, after 20 minutes of incredible flowing conversation she gets off the train - In your head you're thinking 'wow, this is incredible' You get off the train, excited you just met someone you had that rare connection with, you go home only to find you lost their number. This is kinda where an A remains eternally stuck, sure it goes further, you experience the other person but you never reach a point where it's 'normal' day-in-day-out.

[heartinlove]

You are overlooking one simple fact. All normal relationships end because one or both parties knows the relationship is over, can't work, there is something internal to the relationship that isn't right so the relationship is terminated. Sure, sometimes it's very one sided and the dumpee feels a lot of pain (go look on the breakup board) but in general one of the parties knows without a doubt, after usually lengthy rationalization and soul-searching that the relationship is failing and it is time to exit. Sometimes it's easier than that, I had a GF that lasted 3 weeks once, done, never looked back.

 

An A on the other hand usually ends for external reasons, not internal reasons. There are always extenuating factors, one or both parties are in a M; kids, guilt, fear of getting caught, shame or a d-day. It's those external factors a good 90%+ of the time that wind up ending the A. So the relationship never goes full-cycle, both parties will continue to question 'what if' because there are no internal forces breaking them apart. This and the other factors highlighted above force APs to be in this addictive cycle, never fully realizing the experience of a full relationship with the AP.

 

Imagine being on a train and meeting someone you had an amazing instant connection with, you talk, exchange numbers, after 20 minutes of incredible flowing conversation she gets off the train - In your head you're thinking 'wow, this is incredible' You get off the train, excited you just met someone you had that rare connection with, you go home only to find you lost their number. This is kinda where an A remains eternally stuck, sure it goes further, you experience the other person but you never reach a point where it's 'normal' day-in-day-out.

 

great post circular

[Steen719]

You are overlooking one simple fact. All normal relationships end because one or both parties knows the relationship is over, can't work, there is something internal to the relationship that isn't right so the relationship is terminated. Sure, sometimes it's very one sided and the dumpee feels a lot of pain (go look on the breakup board) but in general one of the parties knows without a doubt, after usually lengthy rationalization and soul-searching that the relationship is failing and it is time to exit. Sometimes it's easier than that, I had a GF that lasted 3 weeks once, done, never looked back.

 

An A on the other hand usually ends for external reasons, not internal reasons. There are always extenuating factors, one or both parties are in a M; kids, guilt, fear of getting caught, shame or a d-day. It's those external factors a good 90%+ of the time that wind up ending the A. So the relationship never goes full-cycle, both parties will continue to question 'what if' because there are no internal forces breaking them apart. This and the other factors highlighted above force APs to be in this addictive cycle, never fully realizing the experience of a full relationship with the AP.

 

Imagine being on a train and meeting someone you had an amazing instant connection with, you talk, exchange numbers, after 20 minutes of incredible flowing conversation she gets off the train - In your head you're thinking 'wow, this is incredible' You get off the train, excited you just met someone you had that rare connection with, you go home only to find you lost their number. This is kinda where an A remains eternally stuck, sure it goes further, you experience the other person but you never reach a point where it's 'normal' day-in-day-out.

 

This (particularly the bolded part), to me, really helps to explain why an EA (in addition to a PA) is so very harmful to a marriage. I feel that my stbxh still has those feelings for the OW, but because I caught them, it has cooled way off and for all I know or care, it will never go further. But I do not believe, for one minute, that will stop either one of them will be satisfied with that, which in turn will hurt OW's marriage. It has already harmed ours (but along with w other things) to end in dissolution.

 

Good analysis, Circular.

[Wandaland]

It doesn't make sense I agree with you.

 

To be honest I did not feel any guilt during my A. I was so mad at my H for how he had been treating me years prior and then discovering his infidelity. I did not feel guilt until recently, now that I understand how bad my actions have been. I felt guilt for my XOM's girlfriend because she did not deserve what I or my XOM did to her. She still doesn't know.

 

But to feel guilt and ashamed after the first encounter and then go back for more...no I don't believe that. I'm pretty sure there is no guilt on their part. The one's that feel guilty or ashamed probably end the A after the first encounter.

 

You should tell her about the affair. It's never too late. If I were you, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing that she's wasting her years with this man who betrayed her. She deserves better, and she should know the truth. Since he's obviously not gonna tell her because of his lying, selfish ways, then you should. We girls need to stick together.

[Circular]

i see your point, but after reading other posts on here ( as well as some articles, etc), do you think that perhaps there may be a combination of factors that make an affair so addictive?

perhaps it's a combination of someone having an addictive personality type along with the situation of the relationship being an affair?

 

Need meets opportunity.

 

I don't think an addictive personality is required, I certainly do not have one. That said, the chemicals created during any relationship in the early stages; dopamine, seratonin, oxytocin, etc... are all HIGHLY addictive chemicals and because of the way that A's tend to never get to the ho-hum stage of a relationship, many remain eternally locked in the honeymoon phase. With those chemicals always being triggered it does create an addictive cycle for many.

 

Some A's though move onto real love/bonding relationships, this is the issue with EAs and LTAs but that's another topic.

[MissBee]

I've been watching Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal on OWN TV. After watching a few episodes, I find that it's funny how the cheating spouses said that they felt guilty, and ashamed, and remorseful right after the first time they had an affair, and yet they STILL continue to cheat for the next few months. Um, didn't that totally contradict what they just said? "Oh I felt horrible, I disrespected my marriage, I regretted it, I hate myself for what I did....so I continued to have any affair with this person".......um...

 

That just makes no freakin' sense. If you really felt guilty and ashamed, then you would have stopped after that and confessed to your spouse because you felt that they deserve to know.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm missing something here. Can someone please help me understand this?

 

Guilt doesn't mean that you stop a behavior...maybe that is more along the lines of remorse. But simply feeling bad about something, in and of itself doesn't curb behavior.

 

Example: when I'm supposed to be eating healthy or I'm on a diet, I do feel guilty when I eat things I'm not supposed to. However, that guilt is because of a feeling I'm doing something I shouldn't. I still eat that piece of cake or whatever it is though...and it sure tastes good...all the while thinking "Hmmm I probably shouldn't" or feeling slightly bad about that choice. There are plenty of other scenarios like that where we ALL feel guilt about something we're doing: overspending, procrastinating, not working out, whatever it is...but we still do it.

 

Something else has to happen, stronger than that to make us stop. Example, in the diet case, when my clothes can't fit or I don't like what I see in the mirror, that gives me a bigger impetus to stop and get back on track versus simply feeling guilty.

[mzdolphin]

Because it is like stopping to take a drug. You know it was bad, you regret having used it but still you crave it. The withdrawal can be a very long process.

 

Just because they feel guilty and remorseful, doesn't mean that they are emotionally over their AP. It takes a lot of time and eventually IC/MC to heal from the addiction.

 

I've been a BS and OW. Only in both situations once. I often wondered why the married man kept trying to come back?

 

I mean when I decided I could no longer live with my WS, I filed for divorce. I don't understand people who are ok with living gray areas.

[mzdolphin]

Need meets opportunity.

 

I don't think an addictive personality is required, I certainly do not have one. That said, the chemicals created during any relationship in the early stages; dopamine, seratonin, oxytocin, etc... are all HIGHLY addictive chemicals and because of the way that A's tend to never get to the ho-hum stage of a relationship, many remain eternally locked in the honeymoon phase. With those chemicals always being triggered it does create an addictive cycle for many.

 

Some A's though move onto real love/bonding relationships, this is the issue with EAs and LTAs but that's another topic.

 

Known my exMM for 20 years. We only seriously dated for a year total (when we were both single). Affair would still be going on if I let it. I think we would have been really close friends had he not lied and told me he was divorced, when he was not. We have so much in common and generally really like each other. But he blew that up with his lies. He has apologized over and over again. I think he feels guilty about lying to me and to his wife. But not enough remorse to stop being a coward and either tackle the problems he has in his marriage to make it better or to end it and move on. Folks who continue to do wrong are cowards.

[l_o_v_e]

I have read the guilt can be all consuming. Why keep going back for more? Because being with your Affair Partner is the ONLY place you do not feel guilty as they welcome you with open arms.QUOTE]

 

this is soo true!!!

[RickFox]

Speaking for myself, I think having an addictive personality certainly does not help the situation but I can say that while in the A the feeling or high of being around that person was so overwhelming, I couldnt wait to get the next fix, in fact, so often we'd see each other when I got off from work in the morning, I'd sleep a few hours, see her again and go to pick up the kids at school. We'd have a few hours apart and suddenly we'd need to make a store run to see each other again. The addiction/need aspect is powerful and underestimated by so many, at least for me, it was all I looked forward to, so much my performance at work, and at home, took a huge nosedive. All in the name of my own needs/wants.