ccnaboy2000 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 (edited) 1.5yr relationship ended, got the i love you, but not IN love with you and things were boring and routine. Went NC for a week and a half got the I miss you, I love you, I wish I had time to work on us just too hard right now with 3 jobs and school every day. Then she showed up @ my place randomly. Said pretty much the same stuff, but said wanted to take it slow and get to know each other, maybe we should go to counseling. She's sorry she just doesnt like sex anymore. bla bla BAM next day she's in a relationship with a guy she was setup with by her gramma a couple days prior. It's been 1 1/2 weeks haven't heard from her since. Unfortunately from what a little bird told me she pretty much lives with him 50% of the time, and are already intimate. And all she talks about is how amazing he is, and how happy she is, and hopes hes the one. (Funny cuz shes had depression issues since we first met, and a few days prior she was talking about how depressed she was and thinking about suicide the week earlier). It hurts because it feels like she never had time to miss me at all. She's just freshly turned 21 now. Any shot in the future she might come crashing down to earth and start missing me? It only got "boring" the last couple of months with my working so much. I made no "classic" dumpee mistakes. In fact I told her I was happy for her and wish her the best in her new relationship. To which she replied "hard to be happy when you feel like ****" That was the last thing I said to her. Think this is a rebound? Edited October 4, 2011 by ccnaboy2000
carhill Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Imagine being drunk and stoned out of your mind. Congratulations, you now are a woman While exaggerated, it exemplifies the differences in how differently we can process things. You're observing empirically and she's operating on pure emotion. I recall a period like this in our M, with genders reversed, and how my exW thought I was 'nuts'. She was right. I was close to being crazy. Since the young lady in question is 21, this is normal. Step back, enjoy your friends and leave her be for awhile. No contact. Care less about her and more about yourself. She's fµcking some other guy now. That's her path.
musicSaves12 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Hang in there! Start talking to other women even if nothing happens it will at least make you feel better about yourself.
TheDovic Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Wow, third rebound question in a row, so I'll give you the same advice... and yes it is a rebound. I'll explain why it's moved on so quickly already and why this is actually a good thing!!! Typically with rebounds the person who has just come out of being in a committed relationship has not healed yet or come to terms with it so they quickly find someone else to fill this void in their lives. Like in your case, they will move the relationship forward too quickly as subconsciously they are trying to have once again what they lost. The problem with this is the relationship has not been given the time to build strong enough foundations to cope with the seriousness of it, therefore more often than not it cannot take the pressure and is doomed to fail. This is why rebounds fail 90% of the time (I've read this statistic a few times). In summary, she has not healed, is looking to feel the security of being in a relationship so is progressing too quickly and as a result it will not last because of the pressure being put on it!!! EVEN / ESPECIALLY if they appear happy at present they are both kidding themselves... Trust me!
mike588 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Wow, third rebound question in a row, so I'll give you the same advice... and yes it is a rebound. I'll explain why it's moved on so quickly already and why this is actually a good thing!!! Typically with rebounds the person who has just come out of being in a committed relationship has not healed yet or come to terms with it so they quickly find someone else to fill this void in their lives. Like in your case, they will move the relationship forward too quickly as subconsciously they are trying to have once again what they lost. The problem with this is the relationship has not been given the time to build strong enough foundations to cope with the seriousness of it, therefore more often than not it cannot take the pressure and is doomed to fail. This is why rebounds fail 90% of the time (I've read this statistic a few times). In summary, she has not healed, is looking to feel the security of being in a relationship so is progressing too quickly and as a result it will not last because of the pressure being put on it!!! EVEN / ESPECIALLY if they appear happy at present they are both kidding themselves... Trust me! You mentioned: The relationship has not been given the time to build a strong enough foundation. Since most rebounds don't last long, approx 3 months,what is the approx. time to build that foundation? You know my story,, 10 months together.
TheDovic Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 You mentioned: The relationship has not been given the time to build a strong enough foundation. Since most rebounds don't last long, approx 3 months,what is the approx. time to build that foundation? You know my story,, 10 months together. I'd say 10 months is plenty of time to build a solid foundation Mike... You may have been a rebound initially, but the fact your relationship lasted this long suggests to me you were in the 10% as opposed to the 90%, which as you mentioned end within 3 months!
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 (edited) Typically with rebounds the person who has just come out of being in a committed relationship has not healed yet or come to terms with it so they quickly find someone else to fill this void in their lives. This is true of her I think. She has never been able to be "single" for very long. She gets bored and needs the attention of men, and any man would do. When she met me was the longest she was single. 4/5 months. But usually she's onto someone new within a month or so. But we lasted 1.5 years. And I was her second longest relationship if you count her 3 year relationship when she was 15. But most of her relationships last 6 months and then she is dumped. I'm the only guy she's ever dumped. ! EVEN / ESPECIALLY if they appear happy at present they are both kidding themselves... Trust me! Yeah its funny because like I said she has had bad depression her whole life, and the past month (and up until she started with this guy) she would talk about suicide, or how she can't sleep because she's depressed, it was getting worse the last 4 months. Lots of stress in her life and she comes from a split up home with a mentally abusive father who would f*ck with her head alot. I know things got boring and routine, I tried spicing things up that last 2 weeks before the split but it was too late to undo it. But I know if I had a second "fresh start" I can rekindle it again. Other than the boorishness of the relationship at the end which I'm sure made her lose the spark there was nothing wrong with it at all. So I know it's speculation, but do I have a decent chance at all after the rebound if I continue the path I am with leaving her be, and healing myself. We didn't end on a bad note, just a sad one. Edited October 4, 2011 by ccnaboy2000
TheDovic Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Yeah its funny because like I said she has had bad depression her whole life, and the past month (and up until she started with this guy) she would talk about suicide, or how she can't sleep because she's depressed, it was getting worse the last 4 months. Lots of stress in her life and she comes from a split up home with a mentally abusive father who would f*ck with her head alot. I know things got boring and routine, I tried spicing things up that last 2 weeks before the split but it was too late to undo it. But I know if I had a second "fresh start" I can rekindle it again. Other than the boorishness of the relationship at the end which I'm sure made her lose the spark there was nothing wrong with it at all. So I know it's speculation, but do I have a decent chance at all after the rebound if I continue the path I am with leaving her be, and healing myself. We didn't end on a bad note, just a sad one. Absolutely, but it won't be easy! From what you've said it appears she didn't fall out of love, just attraction, so to become attractive again you must be hard to get, mysterious and confident. It's hard to be these things immediately after a breakup because our emotions are all over the place, that's why nc is recommended. It gives you the chance to heal and it might make her start to wonder what's going on in your life. Dumpers DON'T like it one bit when the person they dumped appears to be coping without them!!! So whilst she is with this other dude (for the short time it will last) make improvements in your life and don't chase her!
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Absolutely, but it won't be easy! From what you've said it appears she didn't fall out of love, just attraction, so to become attractive again you must be hard to get, mysterious and confident. It's hard to be these things immediately after a breakup because our emotions are all over the place, that's why nc is recommended. It gives you the chance to heal and it might make her start to wonder what's going on in your life. Dumpers DON'T like it one bit when the person they dumped appears to be coping without them!!! So whilst she is with this other dude (for the short time it will last) make improvements in your life and don't chase her! That has been the plan the whole time. I've not made a single dumpee mistake. I in fact wished her well in her new relationship and told her I hope she is happy. Right now I cannot be friends but maybe in the future sometime. And that was it. I went dark. The past week and a half has been up and down, but I am healing. NC is not too hard for me, I don't get impulsive I reflect inwards and meditate on things rather than lash out. I guess I just don't know how to proceed moving forward over time if I come to the conclusion I still want to give it a go. Like do I just wait for her to contact me in the future (seems unlikely at the moment, but I don't know you guys seem so much more knowledgeable on what is likely to happen)?
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 I guess another thing I was curious about. Would you say it's more likely in my case I'm going to get contacted by her during this rebound with the standard "how are you" and such? And should I even bother responding at all. Or just let it go all together. I think I've put myself in the best possible situation for an eventual reconciliation. I just never been in this position before. So I'm not sure who should do what and if I should respond. At this point though I've given up hope of her missing me, but that may just be my inner demons
M2155 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 It's probably better to assume that you won't be contacted because if you sit around waiting/hoping it's not going to happen (just because you want it to- like the watched pot never boils). But if she's like you say then she probably will after things in her new relationship cool off and she gets curious. My ex was with me almost 2 years before going back to his ex. He both filled the void AND fixed whatever issues they had during his time with me:sick: as they seem pretty happy now. I just wouldn't put your life on hold while you wait out her relationship. When Divoc says to get mysterious and confident, go out and have fun so she may hear about how interesting things are going in your life. I think it's true people just get bored sometimes.
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 It's probably better to assume that you won't be contacted because if you sit around waiting/hoping it's not going to happen (just because you want it to- like the watched pot never boils). But if she's like you say then she probably will after things in her new relationship cool off and she gets curious. My ex was with me almost 2 years before going back to his ex. He both filled the void AND fixed whatever issues they had during his time with me:sick: as they seem pretty happy now. I just wouldn't put your life on hold while you wait out her relationship. When Divoc says to get mysterious and confident, go out and have fun so she may hear about how interesting things are going in your life. I think it's true people just get bored sometimes. Thanks M2155. I've been going strong for the past couple weeks or so I've been losing track of time. Today it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. I actually left work early to work from home today because I felt like crap. I guess it's just one of those days. I know one thing I noticed about her in our relationship. She would reminisce from time to time about her past relationships. (couple times a month) at one point she said she missed her ex. This was about the 6 month mark and we broke up because again she "lost the spark" but 2 weeks NC she missed me and came back and I got that spark back for a good part of the remaining year together. One relationship she was dumped and the guy never contacted her ever again and refused every call she made and she was crushed and still thinks about it. But then again I'm the only guy she's dumped so I guess it a little different. But still some hope. Other than that I have been going out a lot more and having fun. I've taken up playing poker at the casino lately. Up $1800 over the weekend and down $200 last night. It is harder though since I've only lived here for 3 years and have just 1 friend. All my friends I've made were here friends... so that left me with zero friends.
mike588 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 It's probably better to assume that you won't be contacted because if you sit around waiting/hoping it's not going to happen (just because you want it to- like the watched pot never boils). But if she's like you say then she probably will after things in her new relationship cool off and she gets curious. My ex was with me almost 2 years before going back to his ex. He both filled the void AND fixed whatever issues they had during his time with me:sick: as they seem pretty happy now. I just wouldn't put your life on hold while you wait out her relationship. When Divoc says to get mysterious and confident, go out and have fun so she may hear about how interesting things are going in your life. I think it's true people just get bored sometimes. You mentioned : She probably will after things cool off in the "new" relationship. Your in the same boat I'm in,ex back to ex. in this case would you consider it a new relationship?
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 You mentioned : She probably will after things cool off in the "new" relationship. Your in the same boat I'm in,ex back to ex. in this case would you consider it a new relationship? You know its funny you ask that I was wondering the same thing. I did find it interesting @ the 6 month mark when the cooloff happened and we broke up for 2 weeks she was starting to think about the ex before me. (gives me a little hope) I considered it a new relationship, and tried damn hard. If we got back together. I dont want the old relationship... I want a fresh start.
TheDovic Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I guess another thing I was curious about. Would you say it's more likely in my case I'm going to get contacted by her during this rebound with the standard "how are you" and such? And should I even bother responding at all. Or just let it go all together. I think I've put myself in the best possible situation for an eventual reconciliation. I just never been in this position before. So I'm not sure who should do what and if I should respond. At this point though I've given up hope of her missing me, but that may just be my inner demons I think it is more likely she'll contact you, and if she does I personally think it's ok to respond, just keep it brief, don't ask many questions, don't give much away about yourself and have a lot going on in your life. Maybe even tease her a bit in a joking way. MOST important thing though is to keep it brief!
M2155 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 You mentioned : She probably will after things cool off in the "new" relationship. Your in the same boat I'm in,ex back to ex. in this case would you consider it a new relationship? Mike588, my situation I do NOT consider his relationship with her new (but I'm not there) only because they seem so tight and in love so quickly. For the OP though, sounds like she is just bored and chasing feelings. It sounds like she may come back around when she sees what's out there.
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 For the OP though, sounds like she is just bored and chasing feelings. It sounds like she may come back around when she sees what's out there. From what I've known of her for the past 1.5yrs I honestly think thats the truth. In our first breakup of 2 weeks 6 mos in, in which she was losing the spark, one thing she said which hurt was "Im sure your the one I want to marry, but what if I we miss out on something better?" Was kind of a crappy thing to say really. 2 weeks had her coming back and she didnt date anyone. This time around she is with someone and its "skittles and rainbows" so far. I did get the i love you stills shortly before but not the "I think your still the only one", I did get the maybe its not right right now. But one thing I've learned about women is that they say what they are feeling AT THE MOMENT. And their emotions change like the blowing of the wind. So was it true what she said 2 weeks ago? Yea probably at the moment it came out of her mouth. Is it true today? No... Will it be true tomorrow? Who knows... The only way I see me not having a second chance, is if this guy doesn't let it get boring and routine, which happens. Or if it does get boring and routine she learns to deal with it unlike she did in my relationship
mike588 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Funny you mentioned, boring. We both knew and talked about our relationship becoming routine,,( honey moon stage ended) and she told me one night: Lets make a pact that it's ok to get/be bored with other,, like she still wanted it to work. Interesting?
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Funny you mentioned, boring. We both knew and talked about our relationship becoming routine,,( honey moon stage ended) and she told me one night: Lets make a pact that it's ok to get/be bored with other,, like she still wanted it to work. Interesting? Yea at least your girl admitted it. Mine wouldn't ever tell me when something was wrong. Hell at times she said when I seem down or depressed dont ask me whats wrong and just leave me be. It was one way communication. Sorry ladies I don't read minds
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