Buttercup84 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 When I met my ex he said he came out of a LTR 3 months ago . I was 25 and never really had a serious relationship so didn't know if I could judge how someone could move on so fast when he was the one who got dumped ( 3 times by her ) . It slipped out later that it was just 3 weeks ! Then his friend said it was months . How could you forget being dumped ? He joined a dating site soon after his breakup with her . They were together almost 3 years and his sister said he cried afterwards . He seemed pretty into me and got me concert tickets and a kitten a month into our relationship . He wanted me to move in pretty soon and we were engaged and I was pregnant soon too - long story , please don't think of me as some stupid young girl .I do not have a child . He was romantic and keen , but sometimes I questioned his motives . If he wanted me to move in because he was left with the rent , he wanted to "win " his last break up etc . We broke up on January for the first time , and he dumped me again in July for good . I think he waited until his job made him full time so he could afford to live alone I thought about all this after reading threads of how ex's move on so fast , and how they want to prove themselves. He fell out of love pretty quickly , maybe after 8 months . We lived together for almost two years . Hope this makes sense .
TheDovic Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Hey Buttercup, Unfortunately this really does sound like a rebound! Typically in this type of relationship the person has not healed or come to terms with not being in a committed relationship, so they quickly find someone else to fill this void in their lives. Like in your case, they will move the relationship forward too quickly as subconsciously they are trying to have once again what they lost. The problem with this is the relationship has not been given the time to build strong enough foundations to cope with the seriousness of it, therefore more often than not it cannot take the pressure and is doomed to fail. This is why rebounds fail 90% of the time (I've read this statistic a few times). Doesn't make it any easier for the person who has been dumped, but at least you know it was not a reflection on you why he left, you were just a victim of unfortunate circumstances!
Mack05 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I'm with Dovic here Buttercup. 3 months is enough time to be by yourself and grief the end of a relationship. I think anything under 2 months would be considered a rebound (according to the experts).
TheDovic Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 What about 10 months, rebound?? Depends on whether or not the person is really over their ex. If there are signs they aren't i.e. constantly keeping in contact, being emotional etc then it may be a rebound. Another indicator could be how quickly the new relationship is developing i.e. are they taking it slowly or are they doing silly things like moving in together or talking about spending their entire lives together? These are signs the person who was in a relationship has not healed yet and is kidding themselves to try and feel the same old comfort again!!!
mike588 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Depends on whether or not the person is really over their ex. If there are signs they aren't i.e. constantly keeping in contact, being emotional etc then it may be a rebound. Another indicator could be how quickly the new relationship is developing i.e. are they taking it slowly or are they doing silly things like moving in together or talking about spending their entire lives together? These are signs the person who was in a relationship has not healed yet and is kidding themselves to try and feel the same old comfort again!!! Ouch! Yea things went pretty fast.She did talk about moving in together in the future,, a year or so. Not to take over this thread, sorry, but again you know my story, she went back to her ex.3rd time. I still wonder if it will work. Shes the kinda person that always has to have someone.
radiodarcy Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I'm with Dovic here Buttercup. 3 months is enough time to be by yourself and grief the end of a relationship. I think anything under 2 months would be considered a rebound (according to the experts). time may have something to do with it. but i think it also has to do with the intensity of the feelings that are there. i recently had to break off communications with a guy i meant via online dating who was 5-6 months out of a break up. he admitted that he had "residual" feelings for his ex. which would have been fine. he also admitted that she was still a friend on facebook. but what really sent up a red flag that i might be a rebound is that after only one week of talking and one meet up for tea, he *really* started up with the sexual innuendo/pressuring me for sex. he made no attempt to get to know me outside of a physical context whatsoever; so between that and the strong intuition that he wasn't over his girlfriend, i thought it best to cut and run. it's a shame because i really did like him. but given the above factors, i certainly felt like i was being set up to be the rebound - - even with him being 5-6 months out of the gate from his last relationship.
Mack05 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Radio I would agree with that (intensity of feelings/have they really moved on). I was speaking personally, that I felt 3-4 months (hard personal work/therapy) was enough time to grieve for my last relationship and look forward. It is different for everyone of course. It's what you do with those months that counts. Too many people stay in the same routine, focusing on their ex's and when a good opportuinity comes along they fail to see it for what it is.
ken_25 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Sorry buttercup, I was a rebound as well. I met my ex and she still wasn't over her past ex. she was hanging out with him and flirting with him when I met her. they hadn't been together for a year and a half, but after she dumped her new ex, she started to want the previous ex and pursued him for a year. He kept playing her and she got tired of it, but the feelings were still there, she still wanted him. She ended up cheating on me with him a little over a month into our relationship. We were together 3 1/2 years, when she broke it off she admitted to it. Pretty rough.
radiodarcy Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 agreed, Mack. in fact, he had mentioned that friends had suggested therapy and when i asked him if he felt that was a good idea? he flatly rejected it. there is really nothing i can do to help someone who won't help himself. i guess some people figure they can "tough out" a break up by simply barreling on without any healing/reflection. but sooner or later the pain will catch up with them.
wilsonx Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 (edited) You know this whole rebound thing is full of controversy. People have their own beliefs on it. For me though, I do think 3 months is not enough time to jump back in the ship to the next long term relationship. Its almost like you are settling for something so you are not lonely. Could you pick a better person then your ex in that time? Absolutely! Is it the best person? Probably not. This is my own personal boundary though and everyone elses is different. I went out on a date Sat night and I did have a lot of fun with her dont get me wrong but the next day I was like shes cool we can do it again. The thing I neglected to do was look at the red flags of the date. There were a bunch, I focused only on the positive qualities and did not look at what annoyed me, I just ignored it because I wanted to be on that date. This girl was as crazy as my ex lol. Thats what a lot of people do here with rebounding and saying oh I found someone better. People are always looking through the rose tinted glasses or beer goggles, whichever happen to be on at the time. Take the glasses off and if theres something that doesnt sit right with you, walk away Thats why its dangerous. I was joking with my roommate last night and all of his relationships were rebounds including his marriage. He's 38 and now realizes uhh maybe I should just be single for a while. Edited October 4, 2011 by wilsonx
M2155 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I think 3 months can be enough time to start a new relationship depending on how the end of previous relationship was as well as how deep/intense that relationship was. You know if it's one of those where you are no longer talking all the time, seeing each other sparingly... I think I was the rebound only because he went back to his ex. During the relationship I didn't see any signs although I think he went into it with good intentions (and it lasted almost 2 years). Maybe if I could reverse I would have asked more questions about relationship history though. I do think, and I know this from someone I went out with recently, that it takes time to "relearn" to be single. He told me he was learning to date for fun without expecting it to turn into something. This is quite a transition for us who are used to being with someone all the time. Speaking for myself, I've had about 3 months and I think I could go into another relationship (not in any rush though) because I know the past is now the past for good reason and I've dealt with my feelings. The new person will be better (hopefully) because I know to to take it very slow and pay more attention to the red flags.
ken_25 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 You know this whole rebound thing is full of controversy. People have their own beliefs on it. For me though, I do think 3 months is not enough time to jump back in the ship to the next long term relationship. Its almost like you are settling for something so you are not lonely. Could you pick a better person then your ex in that time? Absolutely! Is it the best person? Probably not. This is my own personal boundary though and everyone elses is different. I went out on a date Sat night and I did have a lot of fun with her dont get me wrong but the next day I was like shes cool we can do it again. The thing I neglected to do was look at the red flags of the date. There were a bunch, I focused only on the positive qualities and did not look at what annoyed me, I just ignored it because I wanted to be on that date. This girl was as crazy as my ex lol. Thats what a lot of people do here with rebounding and saying oh I found someone better. People are always looking through the rose tinted glasses or beer goggles, whichever happen to be on at the time. Take the glasses off and if theres something that doesnt sit right with you, walk away Thats why its dangerous. I was joking with my roommate last night and all of his relationships were rebounds including his marriage. He's 38 and now realizes uhh maybe I should just be single for a while. Agreed. This is why after my 3 1/2 year relationship and my last 5 1/2 years of being in committed relationships (only 2), it's time for a break. We broke up in July, I'm going at the very least the rest of this year before dating again. I need to learn to be happy and content alone again, not trying to fill that void all the time. Figuring out myself more and experiencing new things and setting the path I want to take in life. I refuse to rebound with someone and I will never be someone else's rebound again.
shortee143 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Ugh- I too was a rebound. He left her, and pretty much was with me immediately (kinda the "I have someone new, so i can ditch her" thing...i kno, shame on me!!) Lesson learned. If I meet someone fresh out of a relationship...no matter how those butterflies in my stomach feel, I will NOT fall for it. I ended up terribly hurt and his feelings for me changed SO fast. However, I do know "rebound" situations that have gone on to last months to years post breakup. (I sure hope my ex's new gf doesnt last that long grrr ) , But ah yes, the rebound controversy/debate continues..
mike588 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I was her (my ex) rebound guy,,, it lasted 10 months. Oh how I wish it did'nt last that long then maybe it would'nt hurt so much. Never again!
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