Severely Unamused Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 It's hard to take the moral high ground then defend degrees of betrayal to rationalize behavior. Funnily enough, the general mindset that I have observed when it comes to snooping is "f*ck the moral highground".
Buck Turgidson Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I've been cheated on and I've been snooped on and the feeling isn't even close to the same. Im not doing anything wrong so I don't care if my girl goes through my things and she knows it. She can pick up my pnone or go through my things and I don't care. I imagine you're also the kind of person who takes down all the drapes and window shades in the bedroom and bathroom. After all, you're not doing anything wrong in there. Privacy is not about hiding things you're ashamed of. Privacy is about having a space to call your own.
BeyondtheClouds Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Is it ever okay to snoop? I had quite an experience involving snooping just before I began divorce proceedings with my husband, so these thoughts did run through my head rather frequently. My reasons were mostly pramatic. We live in a fairly conservative area and his infidelity gave me a slight advantage in the divorce. I also prepared for the very small possibility that the OW would go bunny boiler on our *sses. Any sort of information that would have helped me delve into my husband's mind would've been useful since he had shut me out emotionally (frankly, I should've left long ago. Love makes you dumb). The less pragmatic reason was that I simply had to know. I enjoy gathering and dissecting information. That's my personality type. Now, ethically and morally, I consider it wrong to snoop. I considered it wrong to snoop while I was snooping. It was essentially self-serving behaviour and nothing more. My stbxH and I agree on this one. I have very mixed feelings, and that is probably how they will remain. Do you plan to do a Bristol Palin on us......have a child out of wedlock and go on to preach the virtues abstinence for a six figure sum?
BeyondtheClouds Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Funnily enough, the general mindset that I have observed when it comes to snooping is "f*ck the moral highground". And breaking one's vows, holding up your spouse's life while you plan your escape with someone else, possibly putting them at a health risk and so on is the "moral high ground."
Buck Turgidson Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 And breaking one's vows, holding up your spouse's life while you plan your escape with someone else, possibly putting them at a health risk and so on is the "moral high ground." She didn't say anything about cheating. She was talking about snooping. Is there something wrong with your reading comprehension?
BeyondtheClouds Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 She didn't say anything about cheating. She was talking about snooping. Is there something wrong with your reading comprehension? There is nothing wrong with my reading comprehension. Perhaps there is something wrong with your emotional intelligence.
Buck Turgidson Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Perhaps there is something wrong with your emotional intelligence. Because I believe that two wrongs don't make a right? I think not.
BeyondtheClouds Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Because I believe that two wrongs don't make a right? I think not. It appears to me that you don't care about the welfare of those who are betrayed.
Author unodos1011 Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 Almost two months after writing this I figured I would finally add to the conversation. Two nights after posting this question, I looked at my husbands phone only to discover that he had broken NC with the OW. Because I discovered his "EA" he quit texting and within two weeks of DDay they resorted to emails. Do I regret my snooping now? Absolutely not! With DDAY #2 a whole new can of worms was opened and the full story (or at least major details) of the A came out. I had been led to believe the most innocent scenario they could get away with. The emails contained details of a PA and plans of leaving us to be with her. Had I not ever looked through his phone to begin with, who knows where we would be today? There are many many ways this story could have ended....but in the end I have to live with the choices I make and I don't feel bad for my snooping one bit.
Severely Unamused Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 (edited) Had I not ever looked through his phone to begin with, who knows where we would be today? There are many many ways this story could have ended....but in the end I have to live with the choices I make and I don't feel bad for my snooping one bit. I'm fairly sympathetic with your situation. I can agree with Buck's point. Tbh you are playing on your husband's trust. But, having been in your shoes, I do acknowledge how easy it is to enter self-preservation mode. Your husband has been deceiving you in the long-term (i.e. manipulating you). Gaslighting is classified as a form of psychological abuse. I have some experience with emotionally abused women (abuse and manipulation go hand in hand). One common psychological response for the abused individual is to attempt to manipulate their manipulater in a bid to "escape". Now, some may think of it as extreme to label the BS as an abused individual (some may not), but my point is that the psychology is fairly similar in many respects. ^ I'm not saying that it is a good thing, but that's what happens. Edited December 5, 2011 by Severely Unamused
Severely Unamused Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Do you plan to do a Bristol Palin on us......have a child out of wedlock and go on to preach the virtues abstinence for a six figure sum? I don't outright condemn snooping. If I hadn't snooped, it probably would've taken another year or two for me to gather the courage to divorce my husband. IMO it was still ethically wrong in respect to my husband's feelings. We will have to agree to disagree on this one.
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