Els Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 There's a little something that has been nagging me for a while, even though our R has been good for a long time. We've been together for over 3 years; in the late 2nd year, we hit a low point in the R. To make a long story short, I acted like a naggy, nitpicky drama queen perfectionist, and instead of raising the issues with me and communicating about them, he pent them all up until they all exploded in the face of an initially minor argument, escalating into him 'breaking up with me'. This happened twice, but only lasted a day or less before he changed his mind, each time. Moving on from there, we each realized where we went wrong. He promised that he has learnt from it and is trying to communicate things that bother him instead of harboring all of them. I, also, vowed to change and stop trying to find fault with my relationship. Things have gone well from then onwards. It has been over a year since the last major argument occurred. He seems to be doing fine with trusting me to change. He doesn't appear to anticipate a bout of drama whenever there is a false alarm like me being a little grumpy. However, when he gets a little quiet and looks unhappy (which was the early-warning-sign in the abovementioned harboring), I get all neurotic and start to wonder what is bothering him about us! For some reason, I don't trust that what happened above won't repeat itself. I told him about it, and he promises that he just feels unhappy because of something bothering about work, and being a man, he would really rather not talk about it because it makes him feel worse. He promises me that I worry too much, and that it isn't me, and if it was me he would tell me. That all makes sense to me. But I can't make myself stop that knee-jerk reaction. Whenever he goes distant for a while, I worry. I usually succeed in not pressing the point, because I tell myself that everyone deserves some time to be quiet and distant, and that a person should be able to be unhappy about things without getting their SO all antsy. But yet I worry. I thought time would help rebuild my trust, and it has, but it has been over a year and sometimes I still worry. Please, refrain from blanket suggestions like 'well if this is making you unhappy, you should leave'. If we all bolted at any problem in our R instead of trying to fix it, relationships would all last 10 months. This R is making me happy 99% of the time, and I believe this is just an issue I need to work on.
xxoo Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 That all makes sense to me. But I can't make myself stop that knee-jerk reaction. Whenever he goes distant for a while, I worry. I usually succeed in not pressing the point, because I tell myself that everyone deserves some time to be quiet and distant, and that a person should be able to be unhappy about things without getting their SO all antsy. How long does he go distant? Is it more than a day? If it is just a bad day, distract yourself by pampering yourself. Do something you love by yourself, or go get a coffee with a friend (and bring one back for him ). Replace negative thoughts as they enter your mind. Tell yourself "I will think about that tomorrow", and then force yourself to focus on positive thoughts today. Exercise to clear your mind. Normal anxiety-reducing stuff. If it is longer than a day, maybe he needs to work on his own coping skills, so that his work stress does not negatively affect his relationship. Also--don't be too hard on yourself for reacting to his bad days. I don't think it is possible to live with a person and have no reaction to their bad moods. Moods--good and bad--are infectious!
Author Els Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Thanks, xxoo. The thing is that he does not yell at me, or complain, or anything, he just goes quiet. I feel bad about reacting to it because I believe everyone should have the right to be quiet if they wish. I'm not sure it's a poor reflection of someone's coping skills to be such. Then again, it is probably true that he could be happier in a different work environment. Hopefully it'll improve when we move near a less busy hospital. As for how long he goes glum.. well, not consistently for long periods of time, but occasionally for a few hours to a day each time, but more often on certain weeks, if that makes sense. Him being glum about work per se does not bother me, it's just the fact that I immediately extrapolate to 'Is this something I did that he's harboring??', due to what he did in the past. I do have plenty of hobbies and other stuff to do, and that's exactly what I do each time this occurs. But I realized that that does not solve the root issue.
xxoo Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 The thing is that he does not yell at me, or complain, or anything, he just goes quiet. Quiet is different from distant. I took distant to mean pulling away from you. If you can be close and quiet (holding, no talking), that might help you both.
Author Els Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Oh, erm, distant is correct, then. 'Wanting time alone' is probably the best way to put it.
arsidoo Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Pull Your Ex Back Don't cry about it get your ex back in 10 minutes! I got mine here.
Author Els Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Gah, why do the sock puppets love my posts...
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