imperfectangel Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I have known my MM for nearly 10 years though we have only seen each other face to face a hand full of times we have kept in touch through email/text but recently things have moved very fast and 3 months ago we met up and slept together for the first time Since then I have been battling my feelings and have tried to end it twice before it really gets going but I feel I can't live w/o him he makes me feel so special we have a great time when we're together not just sex but we laugh together so much too I feel guilty sometimes and I know he does too but he has initiated much of this so I know he wants this too sometimes I just feel like I'm gonna fall for him so bad and in some ways I think I already have I miss him so much when I can't see him but the one thing I hate is that sometimes ill text him and he won't reply. Its not that he doesn't reply for a while its that he doesn't reply at all and then he just asks me to meet him like its nothing I've tried telling him but long term it doesn't change I feel like I'm way more into him than he is me - even though he travels 3 hours to see me Sorry for the long post I have NEVER been in this situation before.
Owl Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 What feelings are you trying to stop? Are you wanting advice on how to end the affair, or how to accept the fact that he can't always be there for you?
Author imperfectangel Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Thank you for your replies I guess really I'm asking how to stop being so needy with him. I understand his family comes first and I'm ok with that because the times we do get together make it worthwhile but I find it difficult when I really need him and he can't get to me or I just wanna spend time with him but can't or I can't just pick up the phone and call him when I feel like it
stillafool Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Thank you for your replies I guess really I'm asking how to stop being so needy with him. I understand his family comes first and I'm ok with that because the times we do get together make it worthwhile but I find it difficult when I really need him and he can't get to me or I just wanna spend time with him but can't or I can't just pick up the phone and call him when I feel like it If you just started this affair and you already feel "needy" for him just wait. When holidays and such come around it will be unbearable. To answer your question about how to not be so "needy" for him, there's only one way. Stop seeing him now and go completely NO CONTACT. Cut your losses and be glad you didn't go down this road any further. If you continue the pain you feel now will be nothing farther down this road.
Author imperfectangel Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 I have tried nc, twice the last time (which ended at the weekend) was two weeks. He was texting me telling me he needed me and I need him in my life so much I can't say I just couldn't handle nc it drove me (and him) crazy
2sunny Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I have tried nc, twice the last time (which ended at the weekend) was two weeks. He was texting me telling me he needed me and I need him in my life so much I can't say I just couldn't handle nc it drove me (and him) crazy when you stop WASTING the time and energy on this UNAVAILABLE man - is when you will make room in your life, heart and head for a man that will treat you with dignity and respect - honoring the beauty of you. get counseling to find out why you would settle for anything less.
MissBee Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 The only way to stop being needy is to understand why you're needy and work through that to get to a fulfilled place in which you have no room for neediness, you don't feel like you "can't live" without someone and you therefore never settle for less than because you're just not that desperate... I have been needy, and I understand how helpless it makes you feel. You realize you're needy but you feel crazy and helpless to stop it. This person is your fix and you'll do just about anything and endure, justify and overlook anything for their attention and those "few good moments that are all worthwhile". However, the neediness never gets filled and they NEVER make you feel secure, they always remain unavailable and it makes your neediness sky rocket even more and the deeper you go, the more of a wreck you become as you try to get this person who can never fill you up to do just that....and you keep sticking around because your neediness makes you feel like if 2 out of 10 times is good, then it's all worth it.... I've been there and it's a horrible place to be in. Horrible. It's not easy to overcome or just stop but I do agree that counseling or just taking the time to figure out yourself and what's going on makes a huge difference! As you start opening your eyes and understanding, you can start making changes. It's not about him, it's about you.
round1 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I havent been on the forum long, but from my own experience, you will NOT stop the feelings, unless you want to. If you truely do want to stop the feelings, you need to be hard on yourself and him and go NC. I have had my year and half affair , found out , he confessed to his wife , every last detail. Trust me the feelings after this are awful, the guilt, the pain, the way he suddendly kicked me out of his life so he could save his marriage and children, is a heart ache i have never felt before and i would not wish it on anyone. Despite how you both feel now, what he says to you, if your affair comes to light, feelings and things WILL change, you will have no control and your life will be shattered. You are a single lady, go out, have some fun , spend time with lots of friends, and keep busy. If he wants you in his life, let him come and get you after he has divorced. You will not be happy playing second best forever, trust me. Feelings and the relationship will progress. I know it is not possible to think of her right now, as your feelings and emotions are your own, but his wife, you will truly regret breaking up a marriage/family. The pain it will cause her will affect their relationship forever... Sorry, i am just being honest. I thought my relationship was speical etc, because he told me. In the end , it was nothing but words and memories and me, figuring out what was real , what was a lie etc... Get out and be happy. Life is far to short. XXX
heartinlove Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I have known my MM for nearly 10 years though we have only seen each other face to face a hand full of times we have kept in touch through email/text but recently things have moved very fast and 3 months ago we met up and slept together for the first time Since then I have been battling my feelings and have tried to end it twice before it really gets going but I feel I can't live w/o him he makes me feel so special we have a great time when we're together not just sex but we laugh together so much too I feel guilty sometimes and I know he does too but he has initiated much of this so I know he wants this too sometimes I just feel like I'm gonna fall for him so bad and in some ways I think I already have I miss him so much when I can't see him but the one thing I hate is that sometimes ill text him and he won't reply. Its not that he doesn't reply for a while its that he doesn't reply at all and then he just asks me to meet him like its nothing I've tried telling him but long term it doesn't change I feel like I'm way more into him than he is me - even though he travels 3 hours to see me Sorry for the long post I have NEVER been in this situation before. End it. There is only heartache here. Trust me. Be strong. Be the one to end it. You probably wont listen but you will be much better off if you do.
FirstNobleTruth Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I don't think you can "stop" a feeling. You have to feel it, and let it pass on its own. What you can "stop" is how you respond to it, whatever behaviors you are engaging in to avoid feeling uncomfortable. Those behaviors become habits themselves, and end up causing you so much more pain than you think you are avoiding. For example, the way things are, you feel insecure and needy and you want some contact with your man to relieve this feeling. So you obsess about it, send him a text, feel insecure and needy about not getting a response to your text, obsess about feeling insecure and needy, etc. These kinds of things can consume us. We can't get out of the cycle unless we do something different. The people who are responding to you are wise and kind, and speak from experience. I am not an OW but I do have experience with cravings and obsessions, and I know how painful and destructive they are. The solution is to interrupt the cycle. When you are in an A, a very effective way of of breaking the cycle is to Stop All Contact. It means you will have to sit through some uncomfortable cravings for a while. But if you don't keep feeding them they will eventually go away. Yes, in the meantime it can be very hard. But you can do it all by yourself. You don't need MM to cooperate with you. And in the end it's worth it, because you will begin to see who you really are again. You can get acquainted with that empty place inside that feels like "I need that man who's married and busy and three hours away to text me back Right Now or I'll Die!". You can ask yourself why you hold such a crazy belief. You can ask yourself whether you want to spend much more of your life yearning for a return text from a man who is married to someone else. If the answer is no, then maybe you can think of some healthier, more fulfilling ways to address your feeling of emptiness. And then you will be free. Or, you can try again to stop the craving by texting him, and then trying not to feel needy while you wait for him to reply. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I wish you well.
Capris Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I have been battling my feelings I feel guilty sometimes sometimes ill text him and he won't reply. I feel like I'm way more into him than he is me These are the basic feelings you will be going through DAILY if you continue. As another poster said, re-read your post over and over again to see that you do not desserver this. Imagine if he was single and acted this way, would you stay? The good feelings unfortunantely are hard to shake off, so first steps is to go No Contact. Cut off all your communication. Tell him, its me or the wife, yes find the guts to do so, if you find it hard now, it will only get harder. If you two are meant to be, he will leave his wife for you. If not, why go through all the pain only to find that he will not leave? Im so sorry you are in this place :/ I just wish i followed the advice i gave you.
fooled once Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I have known my MM for nearly 10 years though we have only seen each other face to face a hand full of times we have kept in touch through email/text but recently things have moved very fast and 3 months ago we met up and slept together for the first time Since then I have been battling my feelings and have tried to end it twice before it really gets going but I feel I can't live w/o him he makes me feel so special we have a great time when we're together not just sex but we laugh together so much too I feel guilty sometimes and I know he does too but he has initiated much of this so I know he wants this too sometimes I just feel like I'm gonna fall for him so bad and in some ways I think I already have I miss him so much when I can't see him but the one thing I hate is that sometimes ill text him and he won't reply. Its not that he doesn't reply for a while its that he doesn't reply at all and then he just asks me to meet him like its nothing I've tried telling him but long term it doesn't change I feel like I'm way more into him than he is me - even though he travels 3 hours to see me Sorry for the long post I have NEVER been in this situation before. You survived BEFORE him, you will survive after him. Why do you only feel guilty sometimes? And does it matter who initiates it? You are consenting. You are helping a MM cheat. You are an active participant. You need to own your part in this. Because he IS married, he can't just drop what he is doing to return your text. You do understand that right? During the upcoming holidays, he will be at home with his wife while you are at home waiting for a text. You have set the tone already. He knows you are needy and he knows you will wait and you will jump when he says jump. He is using you and disrespecting you and yet you have convinced yourself you are in love or he is in love with you. I don't see it. He isn't as into you as you are to him. He travels 3 hours to get laid, to get his ego stroked and to feel like a king. That doesn't mean love. At least not grown up love.
2beme Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 First I want to say that what I am reading is almost identical to what I am going thru right now. I know that deep down he will never leave his wife but hte feelings we have expressed with each other have grown so much I don't know how to stop. I can read and read about married men and how they have an affair to make up for what their wife is not giving them. What I am not listening too is that we the OW need that as well. We need someone to be there. Because we sure as hell know that if we had an emergency of any sort they would not be able to be there for us. So my point is I know how you feel and wish that I could take my own advice. Maybe you can take that advice. I wish you the best, it is not an easy thing to have to deal with.
noel2 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I beg you to end this affair now, because I care, I don't know you, but I know the feelings. If you think its tough now, wait until Thanksgiving and Christmas and then the real kicker is Valentines. You can try to talk yourself out of thinking it'll be bad, but trust me, it will break you and break your heart. Run before things get more intense, please!!!!
SoleMate Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Please keep in mind that the MM has played a major role in creating your neediness, by the way he has come on bizarrely strong, made you feel like a goddess, showered you with (synthetic) love, said whatever it takes to make you think it's a special once-in-a-lifetime love etc. MM HAVE to do this because they aren't really offering anything of value...they have to crazy upsell their F*-up "love".....Let him know you're pregnant and planning to tell his wife and then you'll know just how much you mean to him.
noel2 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Please keep in mind that the MM has played a major role in creating your neediness, by the way he has come on bizarrely strong, made you feel like a goddess, showered you with (synthetic) love, said whatever it takes to make you think it's a special once-in-a-lifetime love etc. MM HAVE to do this because they aren't really offering anything of value...they have to crazy upsell their F*-up "love".....Let him know you're pregnant and planning to tell his wife and then you'll know just how much you mean to him. Oh so very true! They don't have anything to offer you except the occasional roll in the sack, a few laughs, a whole lot of empty promises!
Author imperfectangel Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 I did actually have a pregnancy scare but I never told him I feel like I've been through so much and that if I don't see him it'll all be for nothing. He's supposed to be coming over saturday. I texted him yesterday to see if he'd be ok with my pets (he's allergic) and pretty much 24 hours later still no reply. I want to end it but I just don't know how the thought of never seeing him again upsets me when I've tried to go nc and he isn't even contacting me anyway it makes me feel like he doesn't even notice that I've gone nc
Author imperfectangel Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 I just want him to want what I want. I've known him a long time. He never even told me when he was getting married so I didn't have a chance to tell him how I felt when he told me he was married it broke my heart completely now he has a kid and he didn't even tell me she was pregnant I just can't cope with all this **** off one person I texted him to say I can't make it this weekend right after my last post, I think it is for the best but rather than going completely nc I'm going lc. I read about loose contact on here and I think ill find that easier to take it day by day rather than having the pressure of nc right away
noel2 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 That's a great first step, if you have to take it day by day then do so, whatever works for you! Do something this weekend for YOU and YOU only, get a pedi or buy a new sweater or boots, whatever, just do something that makes you feel wonderful, soon you'll see that you don't need MM to make you feel validated as a human.
siuys Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I beg you to end this affair now, because I care, I don't know you, but I know the feelings. If you think its tough now, wait until Thanksgiving and Christmas and then the real kicker is Valentines. You can try to talk yourself out of thinking it'll be bad, but trust me, it will break you and break your heart. Run before things get more intense, please!!!! Couldn't agree more with noel. Been there done that also. It will only get worse. It will get tougher, and you'll get needier, more desperate, more confused, more pissed off, and eventually you won't recognise yourself and you start to wonder what the hell has gotten into you. And if you continue, it will become harder to remove yourself from it, and the harder NC will get. And recovering from As are NOT like recovering from normal breakups. The pain will be a lot worse, and it will take a lot longer. Just sharing my experience that's all. Take care.
Author imperfectangel Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 So its over. He never replied to my txt cancelling the wkend so I text him to ask if hed got it - sounds stupid but I didn't want him just turning up. He just replied "ok I got it" I text back a whole mess of I've got the msg too can't put up with this anymore... Feel silly but glad I got it all out of my system Just hate that I feel like I put so much into this and he can't even be bothered to send a text like I'm asking for the world when really it takes 10 seconds 1
cupshalfempty Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Good for you! Believe me, the affair boat isn't an easy ride. Once those feelings start it gets ard to get off. You find yourself accepting things you'd never accept from a single available man\woman, and once you start that your self worth starts to deteriorate. My personal ride has been hell. From both M to my single, to him leaving, going back, my exposing us and now we are trying to be a couple. Its ben HELL. I would have never gone down this path if I could have seen the path of pain that lay ahead of me. I want you too look @ yourself, and ask why you deserve to be second. I want you to come to the conclusion that you DON'T. I know the crumbs he throws u seem more like glitter and gold flecks, but look real close because its just dung.Pretty dung maybe, but it still is. His priority will be his home, never you. Find someone who can love you freely, just as much as you cn love them.
Author imperfectangel Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Thanks if I'd of known years ago that all this would happen (he used to follow me around in h/s) I wouldn't have kept it going with him I'm mad at him right now for just being so passive I suppose its like even after all this time I'm just nothing to him after I txt him my little rant he still hasn't and probably won't respond I suppose I just don't get how someone can be so intimate with someone and then act like it never happened I don't get how someone could treat it like a every day thing like just going and buying a paper or putting the rubbish out whicj is what I feel like he's doing to me now When we met up it was amazing we had a great time and after we were 'together' he took me for a drink I had a blast he called a few days later but then gradually he's backed off and hasn't called me since we've arranged to meet and he's cancelled me (more than once) at first I put this down to his brother getting married but I just think its the way he is He's like 2 diff people and I never know who I'm going to get
noel2 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Trust me, it's not over, he will lie in wait and pounce again soon. Be ready, go through the scenario in your mind over and over until you know you've got just the right thing to say when he text's or calls again, because he will, I promise.
truthbetold Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Good for you! Believe me, the affair boat isn't an easy ride. Once those feelings start it gets ard to get off. You find yourself accepting things you'd never accept from a single available man\woman, and once you start that your self worth starts to deteriorate. My personal ride has been hell. From both M to my single, to him leaving, going back, my exposing us and now we are trying to be a couple. Its ben HELL. I would have never gone down this path if I could have seen the path of pain that lay ahead of me. I want you too look @ yourself, and ask why you deserve to be second. I want you to come to the conclusion that you DON'T. I know the crumbs he throws u seem more like glitter and gold flecks, but look real close because its just dung.Pretty dung maybe, but it still is. His priority will be his home, never you. Find someone who can love you freely, just as much as you cn love them. Oh, no you took him back? After the shoddy treatment in the office. Please don't say the only reason you are a couple is bc she threw him out (since you said you exposed it after he went home). God girlfriend you're going to be in for a world of hurt, he's not a good long term bet.
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