Nsweet Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 On Friday I talked to her and even though I shouldn't have, I had to ask about her plans for going to San Diego since she had not said anything about the big D in a long time and I need to get tickets soon. I gather that she is going to be there over Nov 4 through Nov 7 and if I don't show she will finish things by herself. She talks a lot about wanting to do things with me like go to family functions, go dancing, cook dinner together, but she is still wants a divorce and thinks she can keep me as a friend. I don't think I can stop her from divorcing me anymore. I would love to refile the process and have more time to work on things but I can't work miracles. I have made a lot of progress with reconcilliation since she filed for divorce. I followed the last resort technique, asside from calling her instead of her calling me more often which I promise to stop..... She always picks up quick and is happy to hear from me. Lately I have grown so depressed even though things are looking up that I am failing out of college. I can't deal with the stress of trying to save our marriage, manage my bipolar disorder, go back to college, get back into shape for sports, and support myself. I am worried I might get suicidal again if things do not change. I will be going back to school tomorrow to drop out.
Cooee Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Dont drop out of school - throw yourself into it. Your education is the key to your future. Easier said then done, I know. You sound like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself - take a step back and breathe. I haven't read all your posts so not sure on the circumstances but why would she be continuing with the divorce if there was hope of reconcilliation?
Author Nsweet Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 I can't balance everything on my own with no emotional support from anybody. I had to research everything on my own and formulate my own ideas based on psychological and sociological models. The pressure of everything is making me phisically sick. I can't eat, drink, or sleep anymore despite having updated my meds on Friday. She appears to want to reconcile but she thinks divorce make everything better because her parents divorced but stayed together, kind of. I know her dad is a deadbeat cheating jerk who sleeps on the sofa because he pays rent, and her mom is severly depressed because of it. Pretty much most of their kids have issues over this. She told me needs me there and even called up crying a month ago when I told her "No.....I'll think about it", in an email. But seeing how as last time I was there she let me spend $800 dollors when I was unemployed on food for the family, a few girfts for her, transportation, and small graduation party the day she secretly divorced me. I was really confused when she brought me to a family reunion, and all these date scenes, but wouldn't even kiss me like she did 5 months earlier. Now she lives in her uncle's furnished basement all on her own and seems really lonely. She gained about 20lbs since she left San Diego, and works a job she hates but won't quit. She bought a dog to keep her happy but still that's not enough to replace me. Whenever we talk it's like old times except we don't say "I love you to eachother". She is confiding in me more and more each call, and has even started using the old pet names and doesn't even notice when I clearly say "honey". I'm clearly making progress but I am ready to give up.
Steadfast Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 (edited) I can't balance everything on my own with no emotional support from anybody. You may not realize this, but that statement is probably the root of your problem. At some point, you'll have to understand the difference between want and need. You want to be loved and emotionally supported but you need to love yourself first. You can't make someone love you; you can't bargain or scheme someone into feeling something that isn't there. In fact, that only makes it worse. She cares about you, but cares about something or someone else more. To make it past this, to make it better, focus your energy on controlling what you can control, and stop wasting it on someone who isn't stable. Frustrating. I'm clearly making progress but I am ready to give up. She gave up. Your healthy response it to recognize that and move on. Lots of people love someone who doesn't love them back. You're giving her way too much control over your emotions; and because she isn't taking care of them properly it is affecting you negatively. Stop wasting your time, money and energy on someone who doesn't deserve it. Once you're happy in your own skin, you'll be ready to love again...this time smarter and wiser. For now, seek out a trusted friend or relative; someone who is capable of riding this out with you. This relationship is poisoning you. Stop letting it. Edited October 4, 2011 by Steadfast
Author Nsweet Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Last night I had one of the worst depressive cycles in weeks. Because of this I don't believe my posts were as unbiased as they could have been. I have worked very hard on myself in the past 5 months and actually like who I am now. The problem is that I still havent gotten complete control over my mental illness but am working on it. I have leveled out now and taken my time to reflect on the past again see if I actually loved her. I do, and I know that she does too but I have to show her that I am letting her go if I ever want to win her back. I no longer give her control over me and I am not planning to manipulate her into comming back. I know it hurts but I have to stop chasing after her and even go to mediation with her. Atleast I still stand a last chance because she wants to talk about this before court.
Author Nsweet Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 I realized today that my medicine may be playing tricks on my mind. I had to take yet another day off from school. I passed out around 8am after a long night of cycling between crying and being perfectly ok, for no appearant reason. That's how I knew it was from my condition and not over her. At 11:30 I woke up to a phone call from a blocked name and blocked number. Now who could be calling me from.....It was my wife . She was checking up on me after she spied on my old dating profile and saw that I don't want her anymore and put single. Time to go hardcore LC for a while.
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