Sweetluvmel Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 Ok so the guy I am seeing for only a few weeks doesn't want to be serious because school is ending and he's going back to the west coast, I on the east and he doesnt' want to do long distance cuz he's been screwed over when he's tried and he doesn't want to get hurt. We fooled around (no sex) and finally I said this doesn't feel right, I feel like I"m being used. He was shocked said that I'm the only person he's seeing and he likes me alot and he still wants to talk to me over the summer. I being hurt said I dont want to hang out or talk anymore. He was so hurt and he said that's not what I want but he can't change my mind. Also, if we aren't serious then why does he get so jealous when I dance with other guys or if he thinks I'm with another guy?? He said that he considered me his girlfriend while we are here. What does this crap mean? What about my feelings? Does he just not want to be committed with me??
SoleMate Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 This sounds just like pure confusion on both sides. What do the following words and phrases mean, anyhow? * "Serious" * "Girlfriend" * "Getting used" * "Committed" Sounds like he is looking for a 3-4 week commitment that you will dance and fool around with him and no one else, and will let you refer to you as his girlfriend, and will maybe even have sex, and then will agree to an amicable breakup so he can go back to the West Coast. This may or may not be an enticing deal from your point of view, but it IS what is being offered. You can hold out for better (what would it be?), or you can agree, or you can propose a different deal, or you can tell him that you both better move on. What you CAN'T do is insist he agree to your proposal - especially since he doesn't even know what it is!
Anonymous 15 Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 Sounds like you're his "temporary girlfriend." It seems that he has no intentions of a long-term relationship with you but while you guys are together in the short-term, he wants you two to be like a regular exclusive couple. Of course, what he wants doesn't make very much sense to me. If his plan is to end the relationship when school is over, he can't expect you to treat your relationship like a serious one. Serious relationships are ones in which there is no definite end in sight and in this case, it looks like it's close to the end. If I were you, I would let him know that he can't have it both: he can want a serious relationship that will continue into the future or else you guys can have fun together now until he's gone but he can't expect you to be completely 100% about him. You have to look out for yourself too. Knowing that he's going to be out of your life soon, what if you miss out on someone ever better in the meanwhile? You could meet that person today. Timing is one of the most important aspects of life--remember that.
Author Sweetluvmel Posted May 15, 2004 Author Posted May 15, 2004 First Thank You both for your replies, it did help. Yeah, I know this is a messed up situation isn't it? It's like he doesnt' know what he wants or what he does want is a mixture of being in a relationship/ but not being in one which I dont get at all. It's just hard on me because I am starting to develop feelings for him, I enjoy his company and when he said to me. .."who knows what can happen next year" , it just leads me to believe that maybe we can finish where we left off. But I honestly don't want to wait and you are right, if someone better comes along I am all for that. He knows that I like him and it's like he's afraid to lose me in a sense.. but he doesn't want a serious relationship also. So yes i'm very confused...
Author Sweetluvmel Posted May 18, 2004 Author Posted May 18, 2004 Hey, can you all let me know if this sounds sincere to you? This is what he IMed me when he knew I was hurt that we weren't "serious".... "i just want to let you know,i was and am all about you,i just dont want a girlfriend over the summer, its not you, its just like i told you the last 2 summers, i got burned,and i dont want that to happen but its not you,i care about you a ton but who knows what will happen when we get back i hope we can talk ove the summer k well night hope i talk to you later :-* im going to miss you this summer i hope you know night"
SoleMate Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 Sounds like he's pretty clear on what he wants. He does not want to be committed to you, but does care about you. There's definitely a bright side here - he himself is clear on what he wants, and is expressing it clearly to you. Now you can negotiate (with low likelihood of success), take it, or leave it. And you know what - this is not a bad deal for someone who is still young. I'm guessing you're both < 20?? You're both still free - and knowing that there is the chance you will meet again and again watch the sparks fly. Why not IM him and thank him for being honest and clear with you? And then know that your heart can be free.
Author Sweetluvmel Posted May 18, 2004 Author Posted May 18, 2004 Yeah solemate.. I imed him back and said that I care too and I'm glad he was upfront with what he said. He said he never wanted to hurt me , it was the last thing he would ever do. But he said "who knows what can happen next year, it's just that I dont' want to get burned over the summer since I'm not gonna see you..." so I take it he doesn't want a commitment over the summer and maybe when we come back... something could develop. Is that what he means? Or is it the fact that he doesn't want to be commited to ME? I know he likes me alot, he's told me this. Yes, we are both 21 and go to the same college campus.
SoleMate Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 Is that what he means? Yes. He likes you lots, he just doesn't want to be committed to someone who is not going to be around. In the past, he has been committed over the summer, and felt used when he discovered the girl did not take matters so seriously as he did. He doesn't want that to go wrong between you. And he has been very clear and fair about this. The more I think about it, he sounds like a potential longterm "keeper". If I were you, I definitely would enjoy time with him, but not get too entangled. Unfortunately, sex would not be a wise decision at this time. And have a fun summer, keeping your eyes open and enjoying your life. And then next fall...who knows? Maybe one or the other will have moved on...or maybe you can have a chance to really experience each other. Given everything, I do not think I would agree to be exclusive with him even for the next few weeks. If your feelings say "DON'T", then don't. You feel that the exclusivity agreement should have a corresponding indefinite commitment, and this doesn't. So it doesn't meet your needs/wants. You're way too young to settle for a "deal" that is less than you want. Wait until you're my age to do that...
Author Sweetluvmel Posted May 20, 2004 Author Posted May 20, 2004 Yes, l agree Solemate. Its best for us not to be committed right now, I mean we're not gonna see each other for 4 months. And we only been hanging out for 1 month.. so where could it go? I'm just gonna enjoy my summer, and yes we decided to talk on the phone over the summer too . So we will see what happens next year.. I really like this guy and it was sad to leave though.. he left yesterday and we had a quick goodbye but what can you do. Wait until you're my age to do that... haha alright so I will just have fun for now! thanks for your advice
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