RenoColt Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Where do I start? Perhaps with I know I'm behaving like an idiot, but I keep doing it. I'm gay, and over a period of ten years this guy has broken up with me, and then a few months later we get back together. The first 3 or 4 times he came back; the last two times, I've sought him out. Each time it gets progressively worse. This time he's got seven or eight straight guys he's servicing, is dating one, and as of Sunday, he's being set up on a blind date with a gay guy. He and I get physically involved too. He's alternately mean as a snake to me (like tonight) and then makes me feel like a million bucks. I know I should walk away for good, but I never seem to do it. I've gone into therapy to try and deal with this, but I'm now too ashamed even to tell my counselor that I've done it again. Tonight's topic was how bad I am in bed in excruciating detail of over an hour. I'm a good guy - professionally successful, well-respected in my community, raised two wonderful kids. I'm financially secure and have my own home. I work with homeless people and folks in the hospital and nursing homes. Sounds like Mother Theresa, huh? I guess I'm just trying to say I've got it together in the rest of my life, but not here. My counselor says that it's not so much the guy I'm in love with as the fact that I have a strong desire to express intimacy, and that he's simply the context I'm used to. Some of the real reasons are I'm 54, and I don't think I'll find another man. I try to tell myself that I deserve better and that this narcissistic guy can't possibly be the best that's out there, and that even if he is, I'd be better off alone. How do I walk away for good? Where do I even begin trying to find a man who is kind and loves me at this stage of the game? I'm usually pretty self-sufficient, but tonight I sound so incredibly needy and desperate... I guess I am.
wilsonx Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Its simple http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278306/ Read this post... This is you... Now stop the behavior
Author RenoColt Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Dear Karle, Thank you for your reply. The story has elements of truth in it for me, although sometimes I think I'm the guy beating myself up. Stopping the behavior sounds so simple: of course, real life is harder. I understand how to break up with him (although usually it's him breaking up with me). I understand how to stop returning phone calls, ignore E-mails, refuse lunch invitations, and say no to sex. I think I've done that in the past, twice for up to six months to almost a year, but it hasn't worked permanently. I suspect the reason lies in what I don't know what to do once I close that door. How do I move on and not look back? How do I begin again at 54? I guess I've been through the ringer so many times, I can't seem to find that resilience that younger people have that allows them to blithely say, "There's plenty of fish in the sea. " I guess what I'm lacking is hope and a set of specific ideas of how to keep myself moving away, how to begin forming new and healthier relationships with men. I'm not the type to go out to gay bars; I'm not sure I have the carefree attitude that would allow me to begin online dating. Stopping the behavior - not running back to him - is certainly a start. What then? One of the complicating factors is I can't avoid seeing him regularly - both our social and professional circles overlap. This means I am constantly reminded I am alone, and I usually end up hearing about dates he's been on - he never seems to lack for those surprisingly. I am looking at a new job in another state, which would be a neat permanent solution, but it's not a sure thing, and I won't know about it for quite awhile. So, in the meantime, I am desperate for some wisdom around how to begin again.
FeelingSmall Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I just kicked out my version of your boyfriend a week ago. I felt the exact same way you do now. However, I'll say that now that it's over I do feel better. The hardest part is realizing that you're worth more than this. With him gone you'll be able to respect yourself again. You know you're not happy the way things are. It's a lose, lose right? Keep him around and feel like crap, get rid of him and feel like crap. If you get rid of him though you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror again. There will be someone who will ACTUALLY love you. It might take some time to meet that person but, the longer you stay tied to this d-bag the longer it's going to take you to meet someone who is worth it. You know what? Focus on friends, stay away from the love game all together. I've recently rekindled some old friendships and have started a new job. Fill your time up. Stay busy, meet new people, check out that new restaurant with some old friends. Love will follow only when you're in a better place. The new job and a new city sounds nice, I wish I had the guts to do that. I wish you luck there, a fresh new start would be exciting. Update on that please!
Kageytn Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 You need to figure out your motivation in going back constantly. Are you repeating family patterns? Hiding out in the drama of the relationship so you don't have to deal with your problems? Do you truly dislike yourself so much that you willingly let yourself be treated badly? I suggest therapy and reading books about being addicted to a person. Personally, I stayed in a four year toxic relationship because I don't love myself and value myself. He also treats me the same way my father treats me and I'm used to it. I've stayed away this time because I am in therapy, I'm spending energy on myself and I realized I had to change for myself. I'm not young. I'm 36 and I dont even care about other fish. I just want to respect myself and model healthy behavior to my children. I'd rather be alone than with an *******.
Author RenoColt Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Oh, "FeelingSmall", thank you! D-bag! I'd not heard the term before, but I got it immediately. Thank you for making me really laugh for the first time in months. You're right - that's what he is. You also have given me some good advice. You've helped me to realize that although I get busy after I break up with him. (last time I took up playing the cello!), I isolate myself and nurse the pain instead of seeing friends. I guess I do that partly because I don't want others to see the pain I'm in, and partly because my friends don't know about this relationship. The last two times, I've kept it quiet because I know my friends would think I'm an idiot - they would be right, of course. Thank you for your words of encouragement. Maybe I make too much of being 54. There have to be other guys out there who would recognize I bring a lot to a relationship or who have had the experience of being with their own d-bags. D-bag - my new word of the day. I'm going to giggle about that all day, and I suspect every time I see this guy again, the wise summation of this kind anonymous person is going to ring in my head: "D-bag!" You know, I think he's going to wonder why every time I see him I giggle.
Author RenoColt Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 You're right, Kageytn, there's family history. Like you, with my father. It's also true that it's about self-respect, not necessarily finding another man.
antz2411 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 you keep coming back for more because you have no self respect and loving yourself is the least of worries. now; how pathetic is that?
Author RenoColt Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 By the way, K., 36 is astonishingly young, even though you might not feel like it some days. Like you, I also want to set a good example of how to deal with men for my children who are grown. They haven't known about my being recycled through this relationship in the past five years or so, but they got to see it the first few times. I don't want to leave them with this example.
Author RenoColt Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Yep, pretty pathetic, Antz. I've said far worse things to myself. "Pathetic" would be one of the milder terms.
Zabs Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Rena.. The problem with these kind of relationships is that after a while they become 'normal' to us. Be careful..because atm you have enough in your head and around you to say that it is not. Forget the NUMBER it is irrelevant. We all deserve love no matter what age we are! I think instead of looking for love I think you need to start with yourself... Point one... listen to how you refer to yourself Point two... Consider how easily you accept other people's opinions on your character and personality and how you incorporate them into your beliefs Point three: Think about 5 positive personal and professional (respectively) about yourself...remember them A CBT exercise... 5 post it's...along the fridge...Things you would PERSONALLY like to achieve for yourself... Set them out in order of which you think is most realistic. Targets should be Specific, Measured, Achieveable, REalistic and Timebound...(SMART) Every step you take towards given targets will boost your self esteem. Take a chance! Enjoy life..We are a long time in our box! Nuff love Zabs xx:cool:
Author RenoColt Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Thank you, Zabs. You're right. After ten years, this has become my "normal". When did that happen?! I have this image of what a healthy relationship would look like, but I realize now over the years, it has become two-dimensional, black and white, like the 200th rerun of Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life. This guy has become my reality instead of what I know I deserve. I need to spend time rekindling that image of a healthy relationship based on my values – put some color and dimension back into Jimmy's movie – instead of continually showing up for the rerun of this dreadful loser B-movie. The concrete goal-setting suggestion is good too.
Author RenoColt Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 I did it guys! I dumped him last night! I simply told him I was done. I wanted no more of his running around with all these other guys, I wasn't going to tolerate his treatment of me, and that I didn't love him anymore. In the past, I think we've both left the door open by saying we still love each other, but it wasn't working - not last night. He told me he still loved me and I just cut him off saying, "I don't love you anymore. You've beat that out of me over a period of ten years." This morning, I'm sad, but I feel an incredible sense of relief - I've got my life back. I can begin again.
Fleabitten Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Well done. I recognise so much of my own terrible relationship in your posts, hopefully I can be strong enough to begin my life again too. Wishing you all the best. x
Glove_slap Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 It's only normal. It takes time to understand that "love" is all a game. Since he's playing the game with you, you should play it with him. Next time he comes around, ignore it. As much as it hurts just ignore it and blow him off. Wait a few days and watch him come back - if he doesn't wait a few more days and by "wait" i mean do your own thing - live your own life and don't actually wait lol. Every time he comes around ignore it and eventually watch him crumble to pieces.
Author RenoColt Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 You can do it, Fleabitten! Like FeelingSmall said above: At least I can look at myself in the mirror with some new-found respect. Whether I stayed with him or left, I was going to feel like crap, but at least now, I feel like I've honored myself and my true values. Walk away. There's someone out there looking for you at this very moment - hoping to find that kind, accepting heart you have to give.. In the meantime, I join you in grieving over the loss - mostly loss of what could have been, not loss of what was really there. For now, it's much better to walk alone, slowly healing, than to put up with one more night of a guy who's tearing down the very fabric of your soul. Don't forget to breathe. You're in my prayers this morning.
Author RenoColt Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Thanks, Glove Slap! Yes, the attempt will be made to recycle me - that's what narcissists do when their new resources of attention dry up. The difference this time is I truly don't care if he crumbles or not, if he's happy or sad, if he's lonely or finds the love of his life Saturday night. I don't wish him well or ill. That part of my heart has been cauterized... burned out... covered with scar tissue I know will eventually heal, leaving me wiser and more able to love a guy with a kind heart who deserves it.
Zabs Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 some cathartic words there Reno...Keep strong and well done! Zabs xx
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