mike111 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Well....here's my story of woe......... I met someone in the summer of 2010. Felt attracted to her right away. She just had something about her that I really liked and admired. I watched her from a distance at the job I was working at. I became rather smitten with her. A week later, she came up to meet me and my customer. We talked a bit. She told me she was having some emotional problems. To make a long story short, I began to help her get her life back together. I told myself I would not try to make a move on her, and rather I would just be like a brother to her. Even during the times she got dressed up and was flirtatious with me, I never reciprocated it. But we spent a lot of time together, going on day hikes, walks on the beach, going out for dinner. I even helped her to move and took her to her doctor's appointments when all her other friends couldn't (or wouldn't) do so. I also got her work and from that she was able to get more work and became somewhat self-employed and making quite good money. I talked with her about her life more hours than I can count. I really started to care deeper for her about 6 months ago, and it just got more serious from there. Then I found myself in love with her. And I finally told her over the phone 8 days ago that I loved her. She then stated she didn't feel the same. I was heart broken. I told her nicely I couldn't see her any longer. She said she understood. And we have not spoken since. Anyway, I managed to retain my dignity and never broke down emotionally to her. I didn't cry or yell and we parted as good friends. So that is a plus. I also now realize that I am part of the problem. 10 years ago, I had a serious breakup that involved some serious financial losses and infidelity (her's, not mine). I was devastated for about 3.5 years. After that, I put up a huge wall around myself, not letting people in, because I was ashamed of all that happened and I was also keeping people (women) out so I would not get wounded again. Not only that, but I was feeling weak, beaten down, lied to, humiliated. That breakup was the worst experience of my life. I almost killed myself over it. But now I just have the wall left. I need to get rid of it. But it's become such a huge fortress I have put up, it could take a while for it to come down, if at all... So, I guess I didn't let this woman through the wall. And perhaps that is a part of it. Or there could be other things in me, or in her, as she does have some fairly serious emotional issues. The past 10 years have been a struggle to keep it all together. But I also know I need to start taking things apart (the wall) and be the person I was. With age and time, it gets a little tougher as time goes by. I've lost a lot of weight. I've lost a lot of strength. I stopped working last week. And started self-medicating. I am definitely going to heck here. Hope this made sense.
antz2411 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 i really dont know what to tell you man. love not returned back just really sucks and i can never wish that upon anybody or even my worst enemy. the best thing you can do really is accept things for the way they are with no HOPE of your feelings being reciprocated. sorry bro thats the best i can offer you.
JRock8732 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Next time don't be an emotional tampon. You told her you wanted to be like a brother to her, so she only saw you as that. When a women is having man problems, you don't help her out or else she WILL see you as a brother for the rest of the friendship no matter what.
Author mike111 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 i really dont know what to tell you man. love not returned back just really sucks and i can never wish that upon anybody or even my worst enemy. the best thing you can do really is accept things for the way they are with no HOPE of your feelings being reciprocated. sorry bro thats the best i can offer you. Thanks for the reply. I guess I do accept it. It's just all the other ugliness that goes along with it. And the blow to the self-esteem and the stinkin' thinkin' that, "I am worthless and unlovable...I am useless and a nobody...I am ugly and awful". Least that's how I have been feeling for the past while, longer than I should do so. I know I have to see things as to how they really are and recognize that I (MYSELF) play a BIG part in all this. And I put myself in the place I am today. Nobody did it for me. I've really let myself go badly. All the while trying hard to help someone else, I couldn't do the same for myself.
Author mike111 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Next time don't be an emotional tampon. You told her you wanted to be like a brother to her, so she only saw you as that. When a women is having man problems, you don't help her out or else she WILL see you as a brother for the rest of the friendship no matter what. I had to look that up: 1. Emotional Tampon n: A role taken on by the man in a 'just friends' male/female relationship. An emotional tampon is a man who will always be there to provide a woman with the proverbial 'shoulder to cry on' or some other outlet for her to otherwise vent her emotional frustration, problems, and mental unbalance. Ultimately, he becomes the only person for whom this behavior is reserved as nobody else will tolerate it but him. You got a point there. I think i need a beer.............
JRock8732 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Don't feel so bad bro. It happened to me several times with girls. I only try to do it with the uglies or someone I see no intention of being with even in the long run. If the girl I am pursuing is telling me boy problems, I just tell her outright that I don't wanna hear about them.
Author mike111 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 jrock, when you first said "emotional tampon" to me I got mad and wanted to blast you. But then i had to look it up, and it struck me that this is what I have been doing. I must look like an ass........ Seriously. The phrase "emotional tampon" will stick in my mind forever. But in a good way. And I needed to hear that. I guess part of the healing process is to hear (or read) things about yourself you don't want to hear (or read) but they are the truth. So thanks, I appreciate your honesty. And I need to toughen up. mike
JRock8732 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 jrock, when you first said "emotional tampon" to me I got mad and wanted to blast you. But then i had to look it up, and it struck me that this is what I have been doing. I must look like an ass........ Seriously. The phrase "emotional tampon" will stick in my mind forever. But in a good way. And I needed to hear that. I guess part of the healing process is to hear (or read) things about yourself you don't want to hear (or read) but they are the truth. So thanks, I appreciate your honesty. And I need to toughen up. mike No problem, anytime. Sometimes it's nice to learn new things. We all live and learn. Just know not to do it again unless you wanna be one lol!
smudge21 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I do like that term "emotional tampon" (they should have it as a Facebook status) as I've been there so many times, and am there now for someone - she's young, stunningly beautiful, but luckily I don't have those sort of feelings for her. She was a mutual friend with my current ex, so there's no chance of anything happening. Your situation though Mike is nothing new for so many of us. I like your statement of putting up a wall as it's something I've done a few times (and I'm sure once I'm healed, I'll be putting up again). I've blocked good people out and only recently let my ex through (summer of 2010 too). Like you, I feel she got through my wall slowly over time as our friendship grew into more. Before I knew it, I had feelings which sadly she didn't share. The mistake I made after that was to try to keep the friendship alive, but it's too late for that. I suffered badly and ended up here due to it. Don't make my mistake and please stay NC. Any contact now will only make matters worse for you. By staying friends, my feelings just got stronger and stronger whereas if I'd cut all ties at the beginning maybe things would've worked out better for me. Have you considered talking to a therapist; someone who can really ask the right questions and help you find the answers you need. These people have pretty much seen everything before so generally know what they're doing, and may just be a starting point to help you move on.
Author mike111 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 The mistake I made after that was to try to keep the friendship alive, but it's too late for that. I suffered badly and ended up here due to it. Don't make my mistake and please stay NC. Any contact now will only make matters worse for you. Thanks, Smudge. Post read and appreciated. I can't have contact with her. Because I know that one day she would find the man she truly loves, tell me so, and I (again) would find myself outside in the shivering cold, heartbroken, devastated, looking in while everyone was inside by the warm fire. Joni Mitchell - "Come In From The Cold"
Author mike111 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Have you considered talking to a therapist I did - when they start charging less per hour than I do - then they gotta deal! I'll be ok. Just the God damned ups and downs of life, as you may well know about. We all hit them. We all hate them. We all know them. I guess we all just gotta deal with 'em. Be well mike
Sugarkane Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 It sounds like you're a bit of a Florence Nightingale towards this woman?
Author mike111 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 It sounds like you're a bit of a Florence Nightingale towards this woman? Had to look her up: Florence Nightingale OM, RRC ( /ˈflɒrəns ˈnaɪtɨŋɡeɪl/; historically [ˈflɒɾəns]; 12 May 1820 – 13 August 1910) was a celebrated English nurse, writer and statistician. An Anglican, Nightingale believed that God had called her to be a nurse. She came to prominence for her pioneering work in nursing during the Crimean War, where she tended to wounded soldiers. She was dubbed "The Lady with the Lamp" after her habit of making rounds at night. Nightingale laid the foundation of professional nursing with the establishment, in 1860, of her nursing school at St Thomas' Hospital in London, the first secular nursing school in the world, now part of King's College London. The Nightingale Pledge taken by new nurses was named in her honour, and the annual International Nurses Day is celebrated around the world on her birthday
Author mike111 Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 (edited) Chicago - "Feelin' Stronger Every Day" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoEsMdBzISo I know that we both agree. The best thing to happened to you. The worst thing that happened to me... Edited October 6, 2011 by mike111 lyrics
neghitzbrah Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Next time don't be an emotional tampon. You told her you wanted to be like a brother to her, so she only saw you as that. When a women is having man problems, you don't help her out or else she WILL see you as a brother for the rest of the friendship no matter what. I disagree with this. You make it seem like, once you listen to her problems she will friend you forever when that actually isn't the cause of it. I outlined some important points in his story. Well....here's my story of woe......... I met someone in the summer of 2010. Felt attracted to her right away. She just had something about her that I really liked and admired. I watched her from a distance at the job I was working at. I became rather smitten with her. A week later, she came up to meet me and my customer. We talked a bit. She told me she was having some emotional problems. To make a long story short, I began to help her get her life back together. I told myself I would not try to make a move on her, and rather I would just be like a brother to her. Even during the times she got dressed up and was flirtatious with me, I never reciprocated it. But we spent a lot of time together, going on day hikes, walks on the beach, going out for dinner. I even helped her to move and took her to her doctor's appointments when all her other friends couldn't (or wouldn't) do so. I also got her work and from that she was able to get more work and became somewhat self-employed and making quite good money. I talked with her about her life more hours than I can count. I really started to care deeper for her about 6 months ago, and it just got more serious from there. Then I found myself in love with her. And I finally told her over the phone 8 days ago that I loved her. He got close to her which was perfect. She trusted him. But he ended up not making a move for a long time!! Mike, do you know what happens to a girl when a guy doesn't make a move? They go through all these stages of rejection then drop all their feelings for you. I mean, who the hell does all this stuff with a man who is just a brother?? I'll tell you what you messed up on. NO, it wasn't because you were an emotional tampon. NO, it's not because you listened to her problems. AND NO, it's not because you hung out with her so much. It's because you refused to do what you wanted to do when you first met her and that was making a move. She was attracted to you. She did all this stuff with you. She did in fact love you. But it became friendly feelings because you waited 6 months to "TELL" her you loved her. 6 Months ago you should've asked her out on a date. Why in the world did you decide to be her brother when your heart told you to pounce that girl the second you saw her? -- I'm not gonna be hypocritical here because I have done the samething -- but not since high school (8 years ago). Good news is you are a lovable guy. You just need to make a move. That's it. Simple. Once you make moves you won't be hurting yourself. You felt attracted to her and you wanted to ask her out, so why didn't you jabroney? Vow to this day that you won't be ashamed for the way you feel and hide what you want to do. Be a man!! The worst that can happen is that she says no.
Author mike111 Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 Thanks for your post, neghitzbrah. I only have myself to blame in all this. Right from the get-go I said I wouldn't make a move on her. But rather I would just try to help her out and get her some work and listen to her and things of that nature. But you can never predict who you will fall in love with. Sometimes love just happens. But I did my best to present myself to her as someone she would not want to love anyway. I purposely planned it out that way. At the start, she really had a thing for me. But I just did not reciprocate it. So why complain now? But also, honestly, she has A LOT of issues, too many to even list or reason with. And in the end, I know she would had been a handful. She's sensitive to just about everything, including her physical environment and life in general in LA California, which I know can be maddening. And it would probably drive a person up the wall, after a while, as it is making her own self a bit mad with her obsessing. And I am not really ready to date right now. I still need to do a lot of work on myself. Depression has crept back into my life. And I feel like crappola. I need to get back to work. I need to work out and eat right. I need to be happier. I need a lot of things. Anyway, we have not spoken since we split. And I am OK about that. Probably distance and time will fix everything. Sometimes when we meet someone we want to have a relationship with, we begin to make a movie in our minds. And I did that and played the movie many times. But I didn't play it all the way though. I stopped the movie just after the fun times happened. Not too smart...........
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