is it going to start again?

October 27, 2011

Owl I'm not looking to be disrespectful here, but your telling me that there is no way that I can have a normal marriage with my wife unless I tell her what happened? Sorry I might not have understood what you meant. Someone told me before that it wasn't the A that was going to do me in it's how I'm dealing with the aftermath that will. That seems to be so true for me. Nothing has happened between us in over 6 months now so why am I so hung up on everything still? The unknown is destroying me I'm having a real tough time letting go is this normal being so much time has passed by without anything happening? This is starting to affect my health now it sucks no sleep or desire to eat. This woman has really messed my head up, I know I'm letting her have to escape it soon.

October 27, 2011

I'm telling you that you're not going to have an honest, healthy relationship with your wife unless you tell her...or she finds out from someone else and opts to attempt to reconcile with you.

Keeping the truth about the affair from her will remain the pink elephant in the room forever until it's dealt with.

You'll always know that she's been kept in the marriage, pretty much against her will according to your belief that she'd leave if she knew...all because she was denied the truth, and denied the option of making her own choice as to whether or not she wants to continue a marriage with you in light of this information.

Probably not the best foundation to try to maintain a marriage on, IMHO.

As far as why you're still so focused on the OW...it's simple...she's still part of your life, even if you don't want her to be. Your wife invited her to dinner...(again, because she doesn't know the truth of the situation)...and frankly there's no way for you personally to heal and recover from the affair in your own right while OW is still in the picture in this fashion.

She needs to be completely removed from your life/lives. Given that your wife (mistakenly) views her as a friend...that's impossible to make happen without telling your wife the truth.

So you're pretty much stuck where you're at until some outside influence changes the situation. OW moves, one of your spouses finds out, etc...

October 27, 2011

Owl I'm not looking to be disrespectful here, but your telling me that there is no way that I can have a normal marriage with my wife unless I tell her what happened? Sorry I might not have understood what you meant. Someone told me before that it wasn't the A that was going to do me in it's how I'm dealing with the aftermath that will. That seems to be so true for me. Nothing has happened between us in over 6 months now so why am I so hung up on everything still? The unknown is destroying me I'm having a real tough time letting go is this normal being so much time has passed by without anything happening? This is starting to affect my health now it sucks no sleep or desire to eat. This woman has really messed my head up, I know I'm letting her have to escape it soon.

I posted the statement you are referring to. I meant that a couple can recover from infidelity. It is possible for the betrayal to be forgiven and if both parties are willing to do the hard work to recover, the marriage can even thrive. This is a scenario where all parties are aware of the affair and the secrets are a thing of the past.

I didn't mean that you could keep the affair a secret as long as you got your head on straight regarding the aftermath.

Keeping the affair a secret is not an option for you. Your wife will find out. OW will see to that. I know you don't believe it. But she will.

I am saying that the only thing that will give you a hint of a sliver of a million to one chance that your marriage can survive is if you come clean to your wife before the OW does. And I know you don't believe it. But she will make sure your wife finds out. Eventually. Especially if she ever thinks you are reinvesting in your marriage.

October 27, 2011

Spice and wo thanks for your input but your opinions are what I was afraid of hearing a crazy woman who didn't even care for me. I'm just in such a sick state thatthis whole thing has taken my life over completely all I do is think about this whole bad senario. I'm going to have to figure out how to handle this chaos a/o hurting to many people my wife being the 1st one.

What you just posted above is a HUGE step in the right direction. Look, you made a mistake....you're human. The majority of the people posting here have made them too, so you are not alone. You probably had no idea she was this way because you never experienced someone like her before. Chalk it up as a lesson learned and figure out your next step. Admitting it's a bad situation is big first step and now you need to focus on a plan to navigate your way out of it.

October 27, 2011

Mr h.

No disrespect intended but it's YOU that needs to let go of this.

You said in the last post that it's been six months without anything happening.......that's not true (or according to your other posts it's not true) You still see this other woman. Out & about & intimately & by that I mean the date nights with she & her husband & the footsie incident that you yourself admitted totally turned you on.

You will NEVER get over this affair if you continue to see her ...on any level.

That's why so many preach no contact here. I always thought it was hogwash until it had been literally a year of NC for me when my XOM reached out to me. That year gave me some different insite on things. It gave me the peace about the affair that I needed. Now when he emails me (which he does often) I just answer the emails & go about my day.

AND NO PAIN IN BETWEEN TIMES.........

You may SAY you don't want to be involved in an affair with her & you want your marriage to work - but your posts totally read differently. I think you want that excitement back in your life.

BTW not that my opinion matters on this subject - I'm not an advocate of telling your wife or her husband. I also don't believe that it takes telling for your marriage to survive.

What it will take for your marriage to survive is getting as far away from this woman as you can. She's toxic.

October 28, 2011

Everyone’s healing process is different. Your post seems to be that of someone who has moved on but you haven’t. I will tell you that it’s more painful to lie to yourself just to make things seem ok. It’s not possible for you to move on when I see this quote.

In your opinion is she just using my wife to keep up contact with me?

Take your time and figure out what you want. Take your time and be honest with yourself. At the end of the day we can’t pass judgment on what you decide. All we can do is help you so there are fewer casualties in the end. Be honest with yourself Mr. H and go from there. You can’t move forward until you’ve done that.

October 28, 2011

Well tonight i had a talk with my wife about my xAp, no i did not admit to having an A with her. I had told her that i thought that she was a fake and only out for her self and that she shouldnt be telling you sexual things even if its in jest. My wife blew it all off saying no thats just how she is and how she finds in funny because she really doesnt believe everything that comes out of her mouth. My wife believes like others have mentioned the xAp has a low self esteem she always surrounds her self with people who arent as pretty or in as good of shape as she is these are things i would never have noticed. My wife said she liked hanging out with her. Emme i do know what i want it my wife i really do but i never in a million years ever thought things would be this hard. I get mad at myself for allowing this woman to have so much control over me 1 minute im strong next minute im so weak that it isnt even funny. I just cant seem to snap myself out of this funk, the longer i go w/o hearing from her the harder it gets its like a illness or maybe it is an illness for real. Like i said earlier it has taken my entire life over, its every waking moment. Im thinking i may need to seek some professional help, because there should be no way that i feel like this still after everything she has pulled.

October 28, 2011

Well tonight i had a talk with my wife about my xAp, no i did not admit to having an A with her. I had told her that i thought that she was a fake and only out for her self and that she shouldnt be telling you sexual things even if its in jest. My wife blew it all off saying no thats just how she is and how she finds in funny because she really doesnt believe everything that comes out of her mouth. My wife believes like others have mentioned the xAp has a low self esteem she always surrounds her self with people who arent as pretty or in as good of shape as she is these are things i would never have noticed. My wife said she liked hanging out with her. Emme i do know what i want it my wife i really do but i never in a million years ever thought things would be this hard. I get mad at myself for allowing this woman to have so much control over me 1 minute im strong next minute im so weak that it isnt even funny. I just cant seem to snap myself out of this funk, the longer i go w/o hearing from her the harder it gets its like a illness or maybe it is an illness for real. Like i said earlier it has taken my entire life over, its every waking moment. Im thinking i may need to seek some professional help, because there should be no way that i feel like this still after everything she has pulled.

It's withdrawal. Even though you KNOW she's unhealthy, your brain chemistry changes around her. NC will stop that with time. It gets really really hard. I have to be really strong at times to keep NC and not contact xOM even though I'm working hard on my R, which is coming on leaps and bounds. In theory, I have no reason to think of xOM, but it's an addiction I'm fighting like you and many others here. There will always be a part of you that wonders there, like a safety net. But it doesn't change the fact she is toxic.

Turn the tables on her, expose her. Then you'll have the power. These things are so often power battles. Do not give her this power, this is your choice. If I were you I'd book an IC session with someone who specialises with M and R's and then talk through what and how to tell. Get a professional perspective and take your W along to tell her asap. Before your xOW does. It's a timebomb! If you're really remorseful, if your W sees how you've struggled with this, how much you want her, your pain and confusion and genuine remorse well, a lot of women do stay. She will want to satisfy herself her M isn't over too. But you have to work together. Surely facing that and the chance of an honest M is easier than living your life at the mercy of someone else? You can convince your W how much you want her if you truly do. Even if you have to get a plane to fly over her house every hour with a banner to remind her And IMO you'll be doing this woman a favour too, she needs some help too by the sound of things!

October 28, 2011

Well tonight i had a talk with my wife about my xAp, no i did not admit to having an A with her. I had told her that i thought that she was a fake and only out for her self and that she shouldnt be telling you sexual things even if its in jest. My wife blew it all off saying no thats just how she is and how she finds in funny because she really doesnt believe everything that comes out of her mouth. My wife believes like others have mentioned the xAp has a low self esteem she always surrounds her self with people who arent as pretty or in as good of shape as she is these are things i would never have noticed. My wife said she liked hanging out with her. Emme i do know what i want it my wife i really do but i never in a million years ever thought things would be this hard. I get mad at myself for allowing this woman to have so much control over me 1 minute im strong next minute im so weak that it isnt even funny. I just cant seem to snap myself out of this funk, the longer i go w/o hearing from her the harder it gets its like a illness or maybe it is an illness for real. Like i said earlier it has taken my entire life over, its every waking moment. Im thinking i may need to seek some professional help, because there should be no way that i feel like this still after everything she has pulled.

As Ruby stated...you're in the withdrawl phase, and it's going to take far longer than it might since you're still in some kind of intermittent contact with her.

So now you've spun the OW as a crazy woman to your wife. Understood...she might be so, don't take me wrong. But now, if you do end up getting busted at some point, your wife is going to look back at this conversation as an attempt by you to deflect and dodge taking responsibility for the affair.

The conversation didn't accomplish anything other than making you look like you were attempting to manipulate the situation later, if/when the truth comes out.

I'll bow out of your thread now...as I've said, there's not really much to offer you until the situation changes. I wish both you and your wife the best possible outcome of this whole situation.

October 28, 2011

As Ruby stated...you're in the withdrawl phase, and it's going to take far longer than it might since you're still in some kind of intermittent contact with her.

So now you've spun the OW as a crazy woman to your wife. Understood...she might be so, don't take me wrong. But now, if you do end up getting busted at some point, your wife is going to look back at this conversation as an attempt by you to deflect and dodge taking responsibility for the affair.

The conversation didn't accomplish anything other than making you look like you were attempting to manipulate the situation later, if/when the truth comes out.

I'll bow out of your thread now...as I've said, there's not really much to offer you until the situation changes. I wish both you and your wife the best possible outcome of this whole situation.

Yes.

And this OW has probably kept every email and text you ever sent her. WHEN she busts you, she will have proof.

October 28, 2011

I've read the thread. If the OW were going to go to Mr's wife would she not have done it by now? Just interested as to why so many are certain things are going to unfold that way.

October 28, 2011

I've read the thread. If the OW were going to go to Mr's wife would she not have done it by now? Just interested as to why so many are certain things are going to unfold that way.

October 28, 2011

Emme i do know what i want it my wife i really do but i never in a million years ever thought things would be this hard. I get mad at myself for allowing this woman to have so much control over me 1 minute im strong next minute im so weak that it isnt even funny. I just cant seem to snap myself out of this funk, the longer i go w/o hearing from her the harder it gets its like a illness or maybe it is an illness for real. Like i said earlier it has taken my entire life over, its every waking moment. Im thinking i may need to seek some professional help, because there should be no way that i feel like this still after everything she has pulled.

If you want your wife you have to start acting like it. When I say that I mean stop allowing this other woman to think her job is in the classifieds. You want your ego stroked that's your wife's job not this other woman.

This is not easy that's why I'm telling you to take your time. Many would like to think it's easy 1-2-3 and it's not. There is a process and it's different for everyone. You should talk to someone to help you cope. You aren't even months into NC and you're falling apart. Please understand that every time she pops up you have to start at the beginning all over again.

One thing you should do is have a plan. Outline the steps you plan on taking to help save your marriage.

October 28, 2011

If you want your wife you have to start acting like it. When I say that I mean stop allowing this other woman to think her job is in the classifieds. You want your ego stroked that's your wife's job not this other woman.

This is not easy that's why I'm telling you to take your time. Many would like to think it's easy 1-2-3 and it's not. There is a process and it's different for everyone. You should talk to someone to help you cope. You aren't even months into NC and you're falling apart. Please understand that every time she pops up you have to start at the beginning all over again.

One thing you should do is have a plan. Outline the steps you plan on taking to help save your marriage.

MrH - the bolded statement is 100% TRUE.

Everytime your wife mentions this OW - You'll think of the affair...You will have to start the grieving that the affair is over process all over again.

Everytime you double date........start over

Everytime you see her out & about.........start over

That's why NC is important. Especially in the beginning. Otherwise you might as well start it back up again.

IF this OW wouldn't have stopped the affair, would you STILL be having one?

One other poster mentioned about the texts & emails. I'd bet a years salary that she has every single one saved. (My XAP saved all of ours & every now & then he'll send one back to me.......nice reminder )

Those may come back & bite you in the arssss too!!

October 30, 2011

Kansas and Emme thanks for your insightful input it has helped me. Had a convo with my wife last night how we should start doing more things together just the 2 of us she said yes for sure but that she likes hanging out with you know who. So unless I tell her what has happened which I don't want to do I'm stuck in this nightmare. I guess it's my punishment. One last thing could my xAp really be a true friend to my wife or is it fake? It might make things a little easier if it were a true friendship. And sillygirl I was wondering the same thing.

October 30, 2011

Kansas and Emme thanks for your insightful input it has helped me. Had a convo with my wife last night how we should start doing more things together just the 2 of us she said yes for sure but that she likes hanging out with you know who. So unless I tell her what has happened which I don't want to do I'm stuck in this nightmare. I guess it's my punishment. One last thing could my xAp really be a true friend to my wife or is it fake? It might make things a little easier if it were a true friendship. And sillygirl I was wondering the same thing.

It is fake. Any idea that it isn't must be a result of your wishful thinking. The OW developed this "friendship" with your W during the affair with you and she continues to play footsie with you under the table while in the presence of your W. There is no way this is a real friendship, in the sense anyone capable of caring for another would use the word friendship.

Also to take your mind off your perceived "punishment", you might try focussing on your W and the situation she is in, since you say you know she would want to divorce you if she knew the truth.

October 31, 2011

One last thing could my xAp really be a true friend to my wife or is it fake? It might make things a little easier if it were a true friendship.

The question you should be asking yourself is why do you care?

I want you to realize that you are giving this woman more of your thoughts. She is getting under your skin by playing games with your wife. She should not even be a subject anymore in your life. I see so many posts where people are still allowing a large segment of their lives revolve around someone they should be working on to forget.

Mr. H from now on when you post please don't place your wife and the other woman in the same post. Its little things such as that that will not help you move forward. Your post is wonderful about you and your wife spending quality time together and then you go and end it with pondering about what the other woman's intention is. She is never going to go away from your thoughts. Her plan is working.

From now on try posting about the positive steps your taking to make your marriage better. Talk about the plans you’ve made. Make sure your wife understands that plan doesn't include the OW or her husband.

It’s time to for you to leave the past in the past. I know it's hard but at least make the effort to try. No more OW. No more what ifs'? Let your brain set her free. You have to make the choice.

October 31, 2011

From now on try posting about the positive steps your taking to make your marriage better. Talk about the plans you’ve made. Make sure your wife understands that plan doesn't include the OW or her husband.

It’s time to for you to leave the past in the past. I know it's hard but at least make the effort to try. No more OW. No more what ifs'? Let your brain set her free. You have to make the choice.

Couldn't agree moe with this. I've been following this thread for a long time and OP Imo it seems like YOU want the affair to continue otherwise you wouldn't care what the OW was thinking as you would only be thinking about your W

October 31, 2011

Couldn't agree moe with this. I've been following this thread for a long time and OP Imo it seems like YOU want the affair to continue otherwise you wouldn't care what the OW was thinking as you would only be thinking about your W

This is what I've thought all along but Mr.h. keeps denying this.

Mr h - perhaps go back & read some of your posts again. You are really spending a great deal of time being concerned about this other woman.

Does she really like me? Is she playing me? Why does she do this, why does she do that? Is she really a friend? Does she really want to be friends with my wife?....well the answer to that I would think is obvious - but maybe not to you. NO. She doesn't want to be friends with your wife. She's doing this to stay close to you.

Hopefully after you read what you've posted you'll see this.

October 31, 2011

I didn't read your entire thread, but was wondering...I know people will jump all over me for saying this, but is it possible to sit down with the xOW and talk to her about this? Is she rational? Do you trust each other? You said you've been friends for 20 years.

You would need to be very clear about what you want. It seems like the best thing -- if you truly want to reconcile with your wife and not disclose the affair -- is to stop the games. Tell her that you are suffering and still pine for her, but you do not want to resume the affair and need to focus on your marriage. You need to both agree to limit contact. That's where trust comes in. Of course, this means not being friends. I think that is doable. I've had friends for 20 years that I've lost touch with over time.

However, if she's truly a nutcase, you may need to tell your wife. Remember Fatal Attraction? Michael Douglas eventually HAD to tell. I fear that you are making it potentially worse by trying to talk to your wife now about how crazy she is, etc. in an attempt to get her to dump this friendship and resolve the situation without you having to disclose what really happened. If she's h*ll-bent on exposing you, then perhaps it's best to come clean now.

November 1, 2011

I'm sorry that people are getting fustrated with me, that isn't my intention. Yes I'm not going to lie but I was and guess still am curious about things that happened in the A, like I said before I had what I believe were true and genuine feelings for this women and I thought she did also. It is very hard, harder then I could ever have imagined to put the past behind me but I know people won't believe me but I am trying. Maybe this comes easier for other people but I'm having a hard go of it. The reason I'm telling my wife that this women is a flake is so maybe our exposure to her will get to be very limited. I ask the people on here not to give up helping me as I am trying my best.

November 1, 2011

What advice or support are you looking for here on LS? What is it that you're hoping that someone will tell you?

There is no easy way out.

There is no painless, simple fix for the situation you've created.

If you want to fix the situation, it's going to involve some painful choices and actions.

So far, you've worked very hard to AVOID facing that pain, taking that full responsibility, and doing what you need to do.

As long as that continues...there's nothing that anyone on LS can say or do to help you improve your situation.

What 'support' are you hoping that we'll be able to provide you with?

November 1, 2011

it takes a great deal of effort and energy to lie... to cover up the truth, to keep up with what may or may not have been said, what happened.

it takes very LITTLE energy to reveal your truth.

this is why your head is battling against yourself - you know you're spending too much time and energy on your OW - mentally/emotionally... yep.

spend THAT time and energy focused ONLY on YOUR WIFE.

you are still in the affair - because you ALLOW this OW to take up that space in your mind - you are still cheating your W out of your thoughts/actions/loving behavior and affection.

tell your W - so that the OW no longer holds this kind of power over you... and the M. the best way to get some balance back to start with being honest!

until you bring your truth to your W - it's all pretending. THAT is why you are at odds with yourself - your conscience is kicking you to set things right... and it will continue until you get honest.

November 1, 2011

confusedinkansas said, " I just think that if the 4 of you remain friends & continue to go out together this other woman is going to keep 'making contact' and because of that your odds go up every time you're in the presence of this other woman of getting caught. Keep that in mind while you're making your decisions."

The part that's frustrating for me in replying to your posts is the fact that you are hell bent on finding out if this woman is head over heels in love with you. You still haven't answered WHY this is so important & or what you'd do with this information if it is in fact the case.

This is where I've been since his original post. The OW sounds like she won't be set aside or something. Like, she's going to get his attention, or else.