Author mr h Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Kansas I did state that I didnt want the A to start again sorry if I didn't make that clear. I have tried talking to this women like an adult but that didn't go anywhere she said that everything is fine and I shouldn't look into things so much. Unfortunately I think I'm going to have to go with the plan of doing nothing as I will lose my wife if I tell her, that o am positive of. Kansas I'm sorry for being naive but the rubbing of the legs yes I can see that as contact but why is the evil eye a form of contact? I know people will take this the wrong way but is it possible that my xAp has real feelings for me or is it all just a game for her. I ask about real feelings because I believe that would be easier for the 2 of us to figure out how we can make things sane between all parties involved. I would rather deal with a sane person who may like me then a crazy person who is playing games with my head.
Emme Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 what am I to do? You made the choice to be with your wife. Your only/best choice at this point is to tell your wife. It might not seem like it but loosing your wife is a risk you'll just have to take. The reason why you should tell her is this friend of yours has crossed the line and now she is playing the puppet master. You cannot give someone control over you but not just only you, your wife and her husband. Grow a back bone. Do it now. If you can't tell your wife you better tell that sick sadistic b*tch don't ever f*cking call my wife again or f*ck with my family. I'll make you live to regret it. Say it and mean it. *Emme plays Rocky Theme* Now get busy!
confusedinkansas Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Kansas I did state that I didnt want the A to start again sorry if I didn't make that clear. I have tried talking to this women like an adult but that didn't go anywhere she said that everything is fine and I shouldn't look into things so much. Unfortunately I think I'm going to have to go with the plan of doing nothing as I will lose my wife if I tell her, that o am positive of. Kansas I'm sorry for being naive but the rubbing of the legs yes I can see that as contact but why is the evil eye a form of contact? I know people will take this the wrong way but is it possible that my xAp has real feelings for me or is it all just a game for her. I ask about real feelings because I believe that would be easier for the 2 of us to figure out how we can make things sane between all parties involved. I would rather deal with a sane person who may like me then a crazy person who is playing games with my head. I think you are being naive. (sorry) Yes, I've seen your posts that you want to be with your wife. You SAY you're working on the marriage but your actions & questions here tell otherwise. The Other Woman glaring at you IS contact. She's still getting under your skin. She is still making sure you're PAYING ATTENTION. And, it's obvious you are. My XOM still emails me from time to time. I don't initiate but it's still CONTACT. See what I mean. He's still reaching out - she is too. Let's say that you two sit down like adults - you & this other woman. She declairs her undying love for you. ...........NOW WHAT? Now what do you do with this information? Why is it so important that you know if she feels for you the way you WANT her to feel? Do you feel that way about her? Are you madly in love with this other woman? BUT still going to stay with your wife? That's what I'm reading here. The other scenario is that she is just PLAYING you. I highly doubt she'd come out & say it if it were really the case. So if you ask her that I don't think you'll get a straight answer. I'm not trying to be mean but you really are in a catch 22 situation. I've seen a situation very similar to yours (heck almost identical)- it didn't turn out well.
spice4life Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) I know people will take this the wrong way but is it possible that my xAp has real feelings for me or is it all just a game for her. I ask about real feelings because I believe that would be easier for the 2 of us to figure out how we can make things sane between all parties involved. I would rather deal with a sane person who may like me then a crazy person who is playing games with my head. It doesn't sound like you are dealing with a "sane" person though. As crazy as the affair world is, this type of behavior is just out of the park in my opinion. I highly doubt that you will be able to come to a sensible agreement with this woman because she doesn't appear to have the capacity for that. Honestly, if I were your wife I would probably leave too if I found out. I would feel completely betrayed that you allowed this woman to go that far without telling me. By letting this woman befriend me would make me feel like a total fool and that would be hard to forgive. Not really sure what you are looking for here, but the questions you are asking have been answered throughout this thread. I suggest you go back and re-read every answer instead ignoring them. You keep asking the same questions, but it seems you want a different answer than what was given. Your wife is going to find out. The only choice that gives you any chance regarding your marriage is to come clean first and tell your wife everything...a complete and total disclosure. Then do everything you can to show her that you are remoresful and are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. Maybe losing your wife is what you need to shake you out of caring what this OW is thinking. In the bigger picture, what she thinks doesn't hold a candle to what you will lose. One question, why don't you just put your foot down and tell this woman to stay the f*** away from your family?! Don't you want to protect them? Edited October 26, 2011 by spice4life
Author mr h Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Once again thanks to all. Well I'm not going to tell my wife anything as of right now as o know for a fact she will leave me there is no question about that. And yes I want to protect my wife but she really likes this woman right now and if I tell her about the A my wife will tell her husband and her daughter will find out and they shouldn't have to pay for our bad choices. Yea maybe I am asking the same questions only because the situation is always changing and I am looking for some help that's all I really don't have anyone to talk to that's why I'm on here. I'm sorry if people are getting annoyed not my intention at all
spice4life Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I'm not getting frustrated, I'm just pointing out the reality. If you don't plan on telling her then the only thing you can do is grin and bear the situation until it plays itself out. I don't really think it's going to be a happy ending though. You are trying to do damage control with a woman who is a "loose cannon." Try talking some sense into this woman then and see if she is willing to come to an agreement with you. It's the option you have left. So just do it and see what she says.
woinlove Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Once again thanks to all. Well I'm not going to tell my wife anything as of right now as o know for a fact she will leave me there is no question about that. And yes I want to protect my wife but she really likes this woman right now and if I tell her about the A my wife will tell her husband and her daughter will find out and they shouldn't have to pay for our bad choices. Yea maybe I am asking the same questions only because the situation is always changing and I am looking for some help that's all I really don't have anyone to talk to that's why I'm on here. I'm sorry if people are getting annoyed not my intention at all From my perspective it seems like you keep presenting us with stories about how this woman seems to enjoying playing your wife for a fool, laughing at your wife behind her back, all because you brought her into that position with deception, and then you keep asking what can you do while insisting the deception part has to be kept up. Well, under those conditions, there is nothing you can do, is there? You can't control this woman. You put her into the position she is now in. Nothing but honesty is likely to remove her. You don't want to go for honesty. So, really, what can you do? I hope you feel a bit bad for not only tricking your wife to stay married to you under false pretences but also setting things up so that the woman she thinks is a friend is also just playing her for a fool. When you finally feel bad enough, then it may be time to let some light in and try honesty for a change. You keep mentioning her daughter -- I can't even imagine what it is like growing up in a home where the mother enjoys and is given free reign to play these kind of games with an unsuspecting friend. Children do survive divorce. They survive a lot of things, but having a poisoned environment is something it may take them many years to recover from. Don't think the lies and deception are protecting the daughter. They could ultimately be doing her even greater harm than the truth would. I'm really not trying to give you a hard time. I'd prefer you not to feel bad at all. But as long as you choose lies and deception at the cost of others, I don't see any way for you not to feel bad. It is only a question of how bad you feel and what it will take for you to change things.
confusedinkansas Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Ok - It's very clear that you won't tell your wife. I get that. 100%. So it looks like you now only have 2 choices. Talk to this other woman. See if you can maybe talk some sense into her. See if she can maybe phase herself out of you & your wives lives. OR - do nothing & hope for the best. Maybe the friendship isn't one that will be long lasting anyway. I just think that if the 4 of you remain friends & continue to go out together this other woman is going to keep 'making contact' and because of that your odds go up every time you're in the presence of this other woman of getting caught. Keep that in mind while you're making your decisions. The part that's frustrating for me in replying to your posts is the fact that you are hell bent on finding out if this woman is head over heels in love with you. You still haven't answered WHY this is so important & or what you'd do with this information if it is in fact the case. I keep posting here because I've seen this scenario play out. It wasn't pretty. I hope the best for you
woinlove Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I suspect talking to the OW could do more damage than good. It will give her confirmation that what she is doing is having the desired affect - keeping you on the hook.
Ruby_shoes Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Yes Mr H all the best Please keep posting and letting us know. I think the last thing you should worry about is if this woman likes you in a romantic way. I don't think she's very stable and I have to say she has pretty good access to you, if I were winning you over I wouldn't be giving you evils and playing games with your wife, I'd be making myself clear and even if I was p1ssed at you I wouldn't be shooting you death stares. It's not exactly wooing behaviour. I can't help feeling that people genuinley in love with someone would be capeable of much but being anything but lovely to the object of their desire. If she does want you, she's playing some funny a$$ games to get you.... I really believe she has deeper issues, most likely self-esteem and maybe she feels the world owes her more (some people are just disappointed in life) and is looking for an opportunity to 'uptrade'. She's keeping her options open and playing puppets ergo, this is not a woman happy in herself. Happy women who have self confidence in rubbish times will look to the future, find an inner strength or a way to believe in themselves and muddle through. If she does like you, it's because she thinks you will bring her happiness. That's not your responsibility and you don't want to be blamed for her not being happy if you find a way together. My guess is she saw what she thought you and your wife had and wanted that, not necesarily you, but you as a cofacilitator of that. She needs IC. Your best bet is to avoid at all costs. Fill up your diary every day for the next six months Or pull her to one side and make sure she knows you'll rain fire if she messes this up for you. Take some dance classes or yoga or wine tasting eve with your wife! Anything to take some more days out the diary and get you two doing something together
PhoenixRise Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Once again thanks to all. Well I'm not going to tell my wife anything as of right now as o know for a fact she will leave me there is no question about that. And yes I want to protect my wife but she really likes this woman right now and if I tell her about the A my wife will tell her husband and her daughter will find out and they shouldn't have to pay for our bad choices. Yea maybe I am asking the same questions only because the situation is always changing and I am looking for some help that's all I really don't have anyone to talk to that's why I'm on here. I'm sorry if people are getting annoyed not my intention at all I have been following this thread and one thing is very clear. MrH you are in deep denial. Denial about who this OW really is and what she is capable of and denial about your own feelings. You are so caught up in the idea that she might have really real feelings for you that you can't see anything else. Unless something radically changes in the very near future your marriage is over. Unless you become more interested in protecting your wife from this crazy OW than analyzing the extent of her feelings for you your marriage is over. Whether or not YOU tell her, your wife IS going to find out about the affair. OW is going to make sure of it, especially if you ever get to the point where she is no longer able to emotionally twist you into knots. She might do it indirectly, you know, drop one hint too many, take one chance too many, make the footsie under the table a little more obvious. Maybe an anonymous letter to your wife. But she is not going to let you just ignore her and reinvest completely in your wife. If she ever sees you really happy with your wife, she is going to make damn sure your wife knows you slept with and was obsessed with her. You don't want to hear it. You would rather just stick your head in the sand and hope for the best. But the only thing you really have any control over right now is HOW your wife finds out. The longer you allow this OW to taunt your wife, and play her for a fool the worse it is going to be when dday finally happens.
Author mr h Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Kansas right now I think I will just hope and pray for the best, as for wanting to know if she cared for me or not I'm not sure why I care but I do. I know I shouldn't but during the A I poured my heart out to her told her everything and I mean everything now it hurts me to know she has all of this info and can use it against me at any given time that she wants. I had what I believe was true love for this woman as sad as that sounds. Yes I'm being honest I guess I needed an ego boost myself knowing that she had real feelings for me, in my sick mind I think it would help me get past her. I know I will get beat up for saying that but that's how I feel. I just don't get the hot and cold treatment that I get from her. Is it possible that she really likes my wife as a friend or am I just being naive thinking that? Wo I have tried speaking with her and like you said it just feeds her more info and makes her think that I'm chasing after her. In your opinion is she just using my wife to keep up contact with me? Sorry if this sounds dumb but why would she do this? I can't believe I'm in my mid 40s and this is where my life is it's so sad.
confusedinkansas Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I think she's using your wife to keep you as close as possible. Contrary to what you think about her "nasty glares" - I think that she does have feelings for you & she's just mad at you because the A ended. It's the only way she knows to "Act Out" & "Cope" with her frustration. She acts mad but it's a self preservation tactic. If she acts nice & you reject her - that would hurt her more. Does this make sense? I'm sorry that you poured your heart out to this woman & thought you were really in love with her. (I believe you must have really been in love - now you're just saying you "thought you were in love" to protect your own heart - sad too cuz she sounds like a nut-job) I'd have to go back & read the original post but tell us how & why again did the affair end?
Author mr h Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Phoenix yes you are right to a point, like I said earlier yes right I do care. And right now I don't plan on telling my wife she will leave. Kansas she ended the A way back in the spring, she thought I was in over my head that I was thinking about the whole situation too much. My xAp has told me she has the best marriage around family and sex life, she has nice house and a nice kid so why would she want to tell my wife and risk losing it all?
confusedinkansas Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Phoenix yes you are right to a point, like I said earlier yes right I do care. And right now I don't plan on telling my wife she will leave. Kansas she ended the A way back in the spring, she thought I was in over my head that I was thinking about the whole situation too much. My xAp has told me she has the best marriage around family and sex life, she has nice house and a nice kid so why would she want to tell my wife and risk losing it all? Has it ever occurred to you that (& I've said this before) Mabye the reason she has such a wonderful life, sex & otherwise because her husband isn't bothered by her flirting, affairs, or whatever. He's secure enough to just want her to be happy. He knows she won't leave - he knows she's just playing. You'd be surprised how many men out there really love their wives & really aren't bothered by something like this. (My husband happens to be one of those guys) My theory - she already knows he wouldn't leave her if the **** hit the fan so to speak. Otherwise, why is she taking risks with him sitting right by her & still flirting-footsie with you? Obviously this is just my THEORY
spice4life Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 My xAp has told me she has the best marriage around family and sex life, she has nice house and a nice kid so why would she want to tell my wife and risk losing it all? I learned a loooong time ago that "those who flaunt it don't got it." When people boast about how great their life is, that's a red flag. It usually means their life really isn't that great. It's all becoming clear now the more you post. Yes, she probably does care about you in her own crazy way, but she lacks the right coping skills to deal with it. Ignoring her is the only thing you can do...hopefully she will get bored and go away eventually. Even when your wife is around, do not show any emotional reaction what so ever. If she sees a reaction it will fuel her need to needle you. As far as pouring out your soul to her, don't worry about that. She can only use it against you if you fear it. Get yourself to a place where you don't care about what others think and anything she says or does will not have an impact. Have faith that most people make up their own mind about someone. Those who don't aren't worth knowing anyway.
awkward Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 And right now I don't plan on telling my wife she will leave. Would that necessarily be a bad thing? Your OW sets up play dates with your wife and her husband along for the ride. The fact that you didn't immediately escort your wife out of the restaurant when you saw your OW sitting there and instead chose to sit there while she tried to play footsies with you screams that you don't have respect for your wife and marriage. Why are you trying so hard to keep your wife involved in this nasty plot? Why don't you give her the information she needs so she can decide if the real you is who she wants to be married to? Why do you want to stay married to your wife? This is like the MM that chose to attend a dinner party with his wife and his OW and her husband. Why do people who choose to have affairs have to be this disrespectful and get this nasty? Is it even about love when it gets to this point?
Author mr h Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Kansas I know the husband and he is the jealous type I mean anything is possible but in this case not probable. Also when the A was going on she was very secretive about everything especially around him. Akward I could not have walked out of the restaurant that night as it would have been a dead give away as to what went on.
PhoenixRise Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Kansas I know the husband and he is the jealous type I mean anything is possible but in this case not probable. Also when the A was going on she was very secretive about everything especially around him. Akward I could not have walked out of the restaurant that night as it would have been a dead give away as to what went on. Then she uses affairs, flirtation, other men, to keep her own marriage drama filled and passionate. She used you to spice up her own marriage. She gets a kick out of her husband's jealousy. AND she is pretty sure that her husband isn't going anywhere. You on the other hand are going to end up with nothing. Not so much because you had an affair, but because of the way you are handling the aftermath.
Owl Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Any advice that could normally be given is pointless right now. Until the situation changes (Mr H's wife finds out through some other source, or OW's H finds out through some other source) this situation cannot and will not change. Mr H...you're going to remain exactly where you're at right now, entirely through your own choice. Accept that. Embrace it. Let us know when the situation changes...at that point I may have advice to offer.
woinlove Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Kansas right now I think I will just hope and pray for the best, as for wanting to know if she cared for me or not I'm not sure why I care but I do. I know I shouldn't but during the A I poured my heart out to her told her everything and I mean everything now it hurts me to know she has all of this info and can use it against me at any given time that she wants. I had what I believe was true love for this woman as sad as that sounds. Yes I'm being honest I guess I needed an ego boost myself knowing that she had real feelings for me, in my sick mind I think it would help me get past her. I know I will get beat up for saying that but that's how I feel. I just don't get the hot and cold treatment that I get from her. Is it possible that she really likes my wife as a friend or am I just being naive thinking that? Wo I have tried speaking with her and like you said it just feeds her more info and makes her think that I'm chasing after her. In your opinion is she just using my wife to keep up contact with me? Sorry if this sounds dumb but why would she do this? I can't believe I'm in my mid 40s and this is where my life is it's so sad. In my opinion, OW uses your W in the way she does, because of how it makes her feel. It likely makes her feel desirable, powerful and confident (in a sick kind of way). She has knowledge that your W doesn't, that her H doesn't and being in the presence of both of them, along with you, likely gives her a feeling of importance and superiority. The playing footsie is an important part of that, because it reinforces that she still has that superiority, can still play with you right in front of your W and her H. To a sick mind, that must be very enticing. A less sick mind would actually care about and have compassion for the four people sitting around the table, which includes her own spouse and friends. 1
woinlove Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Clearly others here think the OW cares about you, mr h. I don't see that, but perhaps I am wrong. To care about another requires the ability to empathize with another, to put yourself in their place and imagine the feelings they have. Some people just aren't able to do that. They may still be able to show tremendous apparent tenderness, caring, affection in words, in touch, but if you could get inside their head you would see it really all revolved around how they feel by saying and doing those things and they never really try to get into the other person's frame of mind except for how it affects them. The majority of us posting here have been at least one of OW/OM/WS, so we are and/or were capable of treating others unkindly because of our own self-interests. But very few such people actually take pleasure in taunting the betrayed. You appear to have found one of the very few.
spice4life Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Clearly others here think the OW cares about you, mr h. I don't see that, but perhaps I am wrong. To care about another requires the ability to empathize with another, to put yourself in their place and imagine the feelings they have. Some people just aren't able to do that. They may still be able to show tremendous apparent tenderness, caring, affection in words, in touch, but if you could get inside their head you would see it really all revolved around how they feel by saying and doing those things and they never really try to get into the other person's frame of mind except for how it affects them. The majority of us posting here have been at least one of OW/OM/WS, so we are and/or were capable of treating others unkindly because of our own self-interests. But very few such people actually take pleasure in taunting the betrayed. You appear to have found one of the very few. Woinlove, I completely agree with you. This woman doesn't "truly" care about him, otherwise she would not put him in this very precarious and sickening position. What I meant by saying she cares, is that she cares in the only way she knows how, meaning, she cares about feeding her ego and whether or not he still thinks of her. In reality, this woman doesn't care about herself much because she wouldn't be putting herself in this position if she did. She is risking blowing her whole "perfect world" apart with her fatalistic actions. Very scary if you ask me. That is not someone who is capable of truly caring about others.
Author mr h Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Spice and wo thanks for your input but your opinions are what I was afraid of hearing a crazy woman who didn't even care for me. I'm just in such a sick state thatthis whole thing has taken my life over completely all I do is think about this whole bad senario. I'm going to have to figure out how to handle this chaos a/o hurting to many people my wife being the 1st one.
Owl Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I'm going to have to figure out how to handle this chaos a/o hurting to many people my wife being the 1st one. This became inevitable from the very moment you crossed the line and began a physical and emotional affair. The reason you're so conflicted and confused right now is because you're chasing a unicorn...you're looking for an outcome that simply isn't possible/feasible given your circumstances. You won't change the situation (by refusing to tell your wife or OW's H), so you need to change your expectations of the outcome instead.
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