woinlove Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I am working on my marriage and yes my thoughts are of the xMW, but as I said before, they go to her when I am alone during the day as she filled me being lonely as my wife and I work different schedules. My marriage may be doomed, it may not be, she and I are working on it the best we can and for both of us, things are still fresh. Your W knows of your A and xMW, so at least you can work together from the same general truth. It does seem to work out well in some cases, although usually one hears of the WS really throwing him/herself back into the M in a big way from the start. In any case, I wish you well on that and how it works out for both of you.
confusedinkansas Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Rick & MrH. You both are speaking of your minds wondering to your other woman a lot. Here's some food for thought on that subject. My XOM & I last saw each other it will be January - 3 years ago. Our A started 6 years ago. Was off & on for almost 2 years in between all that time. (makes my head spin just trying to put together a timeline ) We were EXTREMELY close. We even tried being friends after the A. (which did not work, sadly) With all of that said - Even 3 years after the fact I still find myself from time to time thinking of him. The thoughts are different now though. They are more "Hey, wonder what he's doing" & as quickly (usually) as they enter my mind they're gone. I can't help but think of him if my husband & I should happen to go to my XAP & My favorite restaurant - which is still my fav & I refuse to stop going there because of the memories of him. ANYWAY...........I'm just saying all of this because IT WILL PASS! The pain eases a little at a time & the thoughts of them will subside. UNLESS.........You allow it to consume you. If you allow it to take over your thoughts on a daily basis then even I would chime in & say that your marriages are doomed.
Emme Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I worry about Mr. H because this woman is an old friend of 20 years. He is not ready to loose her completely as he'd like to go back to the way things were. The friendship they had. I would say he can make an attempt but sadly it doesn't work out after a time. The emotions come back and it's like your back at the beginning. That bond is going to have to be broken and I'm not sure Mr. H can do it. I hope he can and will for his marriage. But the friendship idea is a dead end road. You will just be reversing back to square one. Mr. H are you ready to let your friendship go... Just cut your losses?
FelicityShot Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I worry about Mr. H because this woman is an old friend of 20 years. He is not ready to loose her completely as he'd like to go back to the way things were. The friendship they had. I would say he can make an attempt but sadly it doesn't work out after a time. The emotions come back and it's like your back at the beginning. That bond is going to have to be broken and I'm not sure Mr. H can do it. I hope he can and will for his marriage. But the friendship idea is a dead end road. You will just be reversing back to square one. Mr. H are you ready to let your friendship go... Just cut your losses? OK so I'll say straight off that this seems like a troll thread to me. I didn't want to participate because of that, So why now? Because if a M is dead, then it should have a decent burial. After a trying to make it work period. Ms which work after As are like Sparks or Snowflowers. Where the WS realises what they really want. WSs who still have something big invested elsewhere are just dealing in their own fears. That was me once. There isn't a nice way out of ending stuff, but if Rickfox, Mr h or Steve s are not trolls, then get out now. Get out of not really being who you are. For what it's worth -
18Years2Late Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Mr. H, First let me say, I feel your pain. I'm 3 months out from my A. It's painful. But it's not anything like it was a 3 weeks. As much as u don't think u can ever get past this, you will. I'm not saying I still don't love and miss xMM. I do. But the further away you get, the more you are able to think about think about things as they really are, not as a fantasy. You are not seeing clearly at all. I understand. It's perfectly normal. I'm also M and my H doesn't know and I never plan on telling him. That's bc I'm not looking to save my M. It was over bf the A. Let me tell u this from my own experience. You HAVE GOT to find someway to break apart this friendship bt your W and xMOW. Not bc she might tell your W. Chances are she won't bc I'm sure she realizes the first thing W will do is tell her H. If she truly loves her H and M and has 1/2 a brain, she won't do that. I say this for YOU. You will never be able to get over the xMOW if she still has a lifeline to you thru your W. My xMOM and I had several ddays (on his side) and several periods of NC resulting from ddays. During the NC his BS would contact me constantly. No matter how much he asked her not to, or how much I asked her not to or how purposefully mean I was to her (in a fulte attempt to make her stop), or how much damage it did to their R, she wouldn't stop. I was in so much pain and everytime I felt like I could breathe again or make it though a whole hour without crying, there she was. Like clockwork. NC was USELESS for me if I was still being contacted by BS. Even though it wasn't him, it still set me back to day one everytime. The last time we resumed the A, he told me during a conversation, that he begged her to stop bc be knew how bad it was hurting me. But then he said that deep down inside he kind of liked it bc she would show or tell him everything and it made him feel like he was actually the one getting to talk to me. It pacified him for a minute. Isn't that sick? So what I'm saying is that your xMOW is maintaining "contact" with you thru your wife for her own shallow selfish reasons that we may never understand. And as she does that she is tearing you apart inside and keeping you trapped in your saddness. You will never move on. She won't allow it. You need to demand it. Find a way to subtly under the table to make sure the "friendship" bt her and your W ends. You have to. Step back and really take a look at what a broken, immature person she is. Do you really want that if you could have it? I can read your mind. Your saying (as I and others have) "sure I do. He/she is a really good person and I love him/her and if the situation were different (non-A) things would be PERFECT!!". NO...NO they wouldn't. She's not a good person, things are not different, they are what they are today, and things will never be perfect. Maybe u don't want your M maybe you do, BUT you don't want someone like her either. As more time passes you will b able to see this too. I know u can fathom it now. But you will I promise. Good Luck!
FelicityShot Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 If you ever fall in love with someone who is not your spouse, and then return to the spouse, then who are you anymore? You are someone who either was wrong about love, or someone who gave up love. Be yourself. That's all you have to do. The only possible failing in life is in not being yourself as fully as you can be.
Author mr h Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 Emme as much as I would hate to lose the friendship if that's what it takes then that's what I will have to do. Just curious why you still can't be friends? 18yrs yes hopefully with time things will become easier I will just have to deal with what is on front of me right now. As far as breaking up the friendship if I get to aggressive with breaking it up it will raise alot of questions as to why and that could lead to everything being exposed. Just trying to steer clear of her right now.
Emme Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Felicityshot, I thought about the troll possibility in the beginning. One reason was because his post about the OW differ from post to post. He seemed loving in one then hateful in another. In the end it has turned out to be a good conversation. If someone can take something from what's being said about an affair, that's great. In the end about giving a marriage a burial some people are ok with living the rest of their lives with someone they once loved. The love doesn't have to be there I guess and there's hope that the love will return. It's not easy to walk away from a life you've known you whole adult life. It's not easy at all.
Emme Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Just curious why you still can't be friends? The emotions won't fade and there will be a need to rekindle what you once had. It's like dangling a treat in front of a dog and not giving it to him. Maybe if someone here has pointers to make this situation the outcome your looking for they can post. I tried the friendly relationship thing after I ended my affair and it just went straight to an emotional affair. You can do a friendship for years and then you cave. You won't be conversing as friends but like lovers.
Author mr h Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Well on Thursday I saw my x A partner twice during the day as I said we don't live in a very small place. Well anyway after seeing her the 2nd time she tells me your following me and you are looking to have sex the right way with me. And she wasn't kidding with me, from what I have posted on here do I have a crazy women on my hands?
Emme Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I believe we already established that she is crazy. Any woman who is rude/nasty towards the wife is crazy. So the answer is yes, she is a crazy woman. Be prepared and get ready for when sh*t hits the fan.
Circular Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 My experience in my life has been, and this is true of ex's as well, that becoming friends after you've been in love and been intimate is a complicated process, even if you try to be friends years and years later. Firstly, after any type of break-up there's a period of grieving that each person needs to go through. An A especially has a long grieving process and there's typically a lot of unresolved and unclosed parts of the relationship; things that were never said, etc... people try to find closure, but it never really comes completely. This causes a lot of emotions to be harbored and buried. For example, I've tried a few times to communicate as friends with xmw only to find that the communication seems a bit sporadic (the other person is dealing with the same issues) and I find my expectations and buried feelings start coming up again. It's a bit of a conundrum because those buried feelings are kind of like bad vodka, it's not until about the 5th drink that you really start feeling it only to realize you should have stopped at drink 3. My point here is that you can start communicating friendly, but after a few days you'll find your emotions are starting to re-attach. So people play friends in a 'fake it until you make it' way, but that comes across too contrived. The only way I can see going back to friends is after a few years of ZERO communication and going to therapy to work on your boundaries and really work hard at extracting the emotions. But even then I think it's still a gamble. Why? because you know you connect with this person on a different level, a level that doesn't happen every day and that's what you valued in your friendship and that's what got you into the A....
Gentlegirl Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 My experience in my life has been, and this is true of ex's as well, that becoming friends after you've been in love and been intimate is a complicated process, even if you try to be friends years and years later. Firstly, after any type of break-up there's a period of grieving that each person needs to go through. An A especially has a long grieving process and there's typically a lot of unresolved and unclosed parts of the relationship; things that were never said, etc... people try to find closure, but it never really comes completely. This causes a lot of emotions to be harbored and buried. For example, I've tried a few times to communicate as friends with xmw only to find that the communication seems a bit sporadic (the other person is dealing with the same issues) and I find my expectations and buried feelings start coming up again. It's a bit of a conundrum because those buried feelings are kind of like bad vodka, it's not until about the 5th drink that you really start feeling it only to realize you should have stopped at drink 3. My point here is that you can start communicating friendly, but after a few days you'll find your emotions are starting to re-attach. So people play friends in a 'fake it until you make it' way, but that comes across too contrived. The only way I can see going back to friends is after a few years of ZERO communication and going to therapy to work on your boundaries and really work hard at extracting the emotions. But even then I think it's still a gamble. Why? because you know you connect with this person on a different level, a level that doesn't happen every day and that's what you valued in your friendship and that's what got you into the A.... Think it's best NEVER to go there again if you don't have to. I cannot imagine in a year of Sundays being "friends" with xMM. Better to leave the A behind if possible. GG
confusedinkansas Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Well on Thursday I saw my x A partner twice during the day as I said we don't live in a very small place. Well anyway after seeing her the 2nd time she tells me your following me and you are looking to have sex the right way with me. And she wasn't kidding with me, from what I have posted on here do I have a crazy women on my hands? .....and you still want to be friends with this person? Personally, just from what you've written here I'd be TERRIFIED to be friends with her because it just seems to me that she's on a path to tell your wife. She's not being descrete AT ALL! (Isn't the word DESCRETION the Numer Uno Word....that all AP's talk about???) You've said before that she has too much to lose if she does that........I doubt it. You might want to re-think your line of thinking when it comes to this woman. BTW: What did you say to her when she said "you're following me & you are looking to have sex the right way with me." (whatever "the right way" means)
Author mr h Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Kansas honestly I didn't say a word, I just shook my head and walked away. I didn't want to lower myself into one of her head games.
Ruby_shoes Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) Hi Mr H I don't know what to say really other than I've been following your thread lately and really relate to the things you say (and you Rick). I haven't spoken to MM for a month although he last tried to contact me a week and a half ago. He tried to contact me a few times, once when drunk (yippee!) and once when he knew I had a big event and to wish me luck and prior to that to sponser me. I've kept my distance because he said he loved me but things 'weren't bad' at home and he has children, he was scared and he cares for W so that's confusing to me, seeking 'closure' seems futile and may only add to the frustration, as I don't see what will change I've stayed away but it hurts. I don't know if I will hear from him again now, I sort of hope so, then again I hope not too! :S At times I feel foolish and then angry and so many emotions.. Anyway, this isn't a hijack, just wanted you to know there's plenty of us out there in a similar boat! (hugs) The 'thinking' bit is so tough! Edited October 19, 2011 by Ruby_shoes
Ruby_shoes Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 ANYWAY...........I'm just saying all of this because IT WILL PASS! The pain eases a little at a time & the thoughts of them will subside. UNLESS.........You allow it to consume you. If you allow it to take over your thoughts on a daily basis then even I would chime in & say that your marriages are doomed. This is good to know
woinlove Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Kansas honestly I didn't say a word, I just shook my head and walked away. I didn't want to lower myself into one of her head games. That sounds like progress.
Author mr h Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 That sounds like progress. Ok I have an update if anyone is interested. On Monday on my way home from work my wife calls me and tells me to meet her at a resturant that we lIke. I walk in and my wife isn't alone she is with my xA partner and her husband. I knew nothing about this my wife didn't say a word about it to me. As we ate sitting there xAP is there just smiling and enjoying her self as if nothing ever happened. I forgot to mention the dinner was xAp idea. Then with about 15mins left she starts rubbing her leg against mine, I pull away and she just has a huge grin on her face. The bad part is my wife thinks she is fun to hangout with. Then I saw her yesterday by the school and she gave me a look that could of killed. Someone please help me out.
confusedinkansas Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Ok I have an update if anyone is interested. On Monday on my way home from work my wife calls me and tells me to meet her at a resturant that we lIke. I walk in and my wife isn't alone she is with my xA partner and her husband. I knew nothing about this my wife didn't say a word about it to me. As we ate sitting there xAP is there just smiling and enjoying her self as if nothing ever happened. I forgot to mention the dinner was xAp idea. Then with about 15mins left she starts rubbing her leg against mine, I pull away and she just has a huge grin on her face. The bad part is my wife thinks she is fun to hangout with. Then I saw her yesterday by the school and she gave me a look that could of killed. Someone please help me out. The odds are not in your favor Mr H. From this story alone I see the writing on the wall. You are well on your way to being found out. .........Oh the stories I could tell - I actually chuckled a little at this story because I've personally seen this exact thing happen. (BTW, yes they got caught) Footsie under the table never goes unnoticed. Your XAP is a tease. She will push this as far as she can. My own personal theory just from what you've said here - She probably does this to other men - the tease factor. Her husband is more likely than not well aware of what she's doing. He probably gets his kicks knowing that she can turn other men on. (seen this before too) IF IT BOTHERS YOU (her teasing that is).........(does it REALLY?) You need to put a stop to her behavior. Have a come to jesus meeting - or whatever it takes. It seems that if your wife likes her & her husband there will be more 'double dates.' BTW. In case you didn't already know this - It's a HUGE THRILL for her. (& quite possibly for you as well) The thrill that you may get caught, the thrill that you're uncomfortable because your wife/her husband is sitting right next to you .........oh geesh - I could go on & on..............
woinlove Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Ok I have an update if anyone is interested. On Monday on my way home from work my wife calls me and tells me to meet her at a resturant that we lIke. I walk in and my wife isn't alone she is with my xA partner and her husband. I knew nothing about this my wife didn't say a word about it to me. As we ate sitting there xAP is there just smiling and enjoying her self as if nothing ever happened. I forgot to mention the dinner was xAp idea. Then with about 15mins left she starts rubbing her leg against mine, I pull away and she just has a huge grin on her face. The bad part is my wife thinks she is fun to hangout with. Then I saw her yesterday by the school and she gave me a look that could of killed. Someone please help me out. Can you tell us what kind of outcome you would like? The OW has been purposely taunting your W for a while and I'm not sure if that bothers you or not, but the OW is not going to change, especially since you've put up with this. Do you want to resume the A? end your M? stay in the M but keep playing your W for a fool? stay in the M and rebuild an authentic, honest relationship with your W?
imperfectangel Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I've been following this thread and it looks like you need to come clean with your wife otherwise these double dates will continue. You need to break away frm this woman completely come clean with your wife and then clean your mess up otherwise I see your xap telling your wife for you
Ruby_shoes Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Ok I have an update if anyone is interested. On Monday on my way home from work my wife calls me and tells me to meet her at a resturant that we lIke. I walk in and my wife isn't alone she is with my xA partner and her husband. I knew nothing about this my wife didn't say a word about it to me. As we ate sitting there xAP is there just smiling and enjoying her self as if nothing ever happened. I forgot to mention the dinner was xAp idea. Then with about 15mins left she starts rubbing her leg against mine, I pull away and she just has a huge grin on her face. The bad part is my wife thinks she is fun to hangout with. Then I saw her yesterday by the school and she gave me a look that could of killed. Someone please help me out. Um.... this woman is playing with fire. The term bunny boiler springs to mind She's not a good friend to your W bahaving that way and if that can be discouraged it needs to be. If she is her friend, who needs enemies! Are you set in your mind what you want out of this? If you absolutely know that this is going nowhere, can you tell her that it's is well and truly over and that if she wants any kind of friendship she's to play ball? What does she want? (sorry if you answered this, I didn't re-read the thread ). She has you by the short and curly's because if you do anything she doesn't like she may just tell your W and that will be one ugly scene. The thing is, she sounds like the sort that might be glad to do it and will confront your W on the basis of 'because we're such good friends now'. I know how much on your mind she is and I know how much it hurts but if it's really over bury it before it bury's you if you want your M. This is one manipulative woman. Maybe she's in pain and this is the only way she knows how to keep you in her life but if she's not said that and is firing you evils I'd suspect it's more a game. If my xMM played footsie with me I'd throw my wine in his face She obviously has no respect for her husband or your W. Please take care! Ruby
Author mr h Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Thanks to all for your advise. I will not hide anything here, but I'm completely afraid of telling my wife about the A as o know for a fact that she will leave me. My xAp has not made any contact with me in about a months time now. I thought all was done with her but I guess not. Yes I want my M to workout and for us to be happy and no I don't want the A to restart. My problem is my wife likes my xAp and likes to be with her, I have told my wife she is a flake and a phony my wife says that's just how she is and she thinks it's funny. I know if I tell my wife that we shouldn't stay with these people any longer it won't take long to figure out what went on and then I lose my wife so what am I to do?
confusedinkansas Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Thanks to all for your advise. I will not hide anything here, but I'm completely afraid of telling my wife about the A as o know for a fact that she will leave me. My xAp has not made any contact with me in about a months time now. I thought all was done with her but I guess not. Yes I want my M to workout and for us to be happy and no I don't want the A to restart. My problem is my wife likes my xAp and likes to be with her, I have told my wife she is a flake and a phony my wife says that's just how she is and she thinks it's funny. I know if I tell my wife that we shouldn't stay with these people any longer it won't take long to figure out what went on and then I lose my wife so what am I to do? The fact that you say here that the XAP hasn't made contact with you in about a months time now.........Hmmmm....Me thinks differently. Her footsie incident is CONTACT. Her glare at you "looks to kill" is CONTACT. She's attempting to get a response or a rise out of you. Something to consider- Everyone thinks that their spouse will leave if they find out. That's not always the case You're caught in the middle of a nightmare - She really has you by the balls. I guess you have a few choices: * Tell your wife before she does (Wouldn't be my first choice but it's something you may want to consider since you're knee deep in s#IT) * Don't tell your wife & start praying like you've never prayed before for the XAP to either go away or hope she never tells your wife. This may be a difficult one since your wife has taken a liking to her. I'm with Ruby on this one - She may get so close to your wife she tells her "Since We're Such Good Friends Now":rolleyes: * TALK TO THIS WOMAN..........Find out what her intentions are. If you choose to do nothing - that's still a choice. But it seems to me you'll have a heart attack before it's all said & done (I would) from the total fear of the UNKNOWN:eek: Can you live like this for the rest of your life? You didn't answer WIL's question........What is it you want? Do you want this to start up again? My hunch. You do. You don't want a full on affair but you aren't ready to let go either.
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