Author mr h Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Wanda I know you feel very strongly that I should confess about my A, but right now that isn't my 1st option. Im not saying that at sometime I won't admit to it I just think it's no much of a risk. I know I made a huge mistake and have admitted to it and yes I feel horrible not a minute passes where I don't feel bad. But this is not an easy situation that I have gotten myself into there are 2 families at stake here like I said earlier her child shouldn't be affect by a mistake we made and her husband also. Kansas you are right I may not be her first or her last but over the course of 20 plus years that I have known her I never thought she did just my opinion.
woinlove Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Wanda I know you feel very strongly that I should confess about my A, but right now that isn't my 1st option. Im not saying that at sometime I won't admit to it I just think it's no much of a risk. I know I made a huge mistake and have admitted to it and yes I feel horrible not a minute passes where I don't feel bad. But this is not an easy situation that I have gotten myself into there are 2 families at stake here like I said earlier her child shouldn't be affect by a mistake we made and her husband also. Kansas you are right I may not be her first or her last but over the course of 20 plus years that I have known her I never thought she did just my opinion. Difficult to predict whether telling is worse or better for the families. Difficult to know what the cost will be of marriages with that kind of deception. Could end all chances for real intimacy which is closely connected to love for many and ultimately be a painful life even for the child. Some LS posters have spoken about how they wished their parents didn't stay together because their home was not a happy, loving one. Telling will certainly bring more turmoil in the short term, but could ultimately bring more love, fulfillment and security - whether with current spouses or alone or with new partners. With counselling, a period of turmoil followed by love and stability may be better for a child than the rest of their childhood spent in a decaying marriage, with deception lurking underneath.
Author mr h Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Woinlove true statement but I'm not sure if I'm ready to make that decision for the reasons I have listed. And my xA partner use to say she had the greatest marriage going full of love happiness and sex, but at the same time she's having an A go figure. I know I can't that's for sure.
woinlove Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Woinlove true statement but I'm not sure if I'm ready to make that decision for the reasons I have listed. And my xA partner use to say she had the greatest marriage going full of love happiness and sex, but at the same time she's having an A go figure. I know I can't that's for sure. I doubt your xAP knows what real love is. Someone capable of fully loving another would probably not be able to pull off the cruel and manipulative strategy of befriending the other BS, giving them sex tips and flirt updates. Likely she gets some kick from that but no sign this is a person capable of real love and empathy for others.
Emme Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 You know a few days ago I was doing great....or good and then I put myself in a position to where I saw her. I furthered my pain by waving at her and her looking the other way. I am mourning the loss of her and my wife. My marriage is not the same and if we make it it wont ever be the same. I confess my feelings for the xMW are there and are strong,so strong I've been wanting to send her a text that says I miss her which will probably serve to have her shut me out even more. Its been two months since she shut me out and it feels a helluva lot longer. I think maybe your homework should be to get back to that place where you were with your wife before this affair. Things will never be the same is the wrong attitude to take. Be positive and think positive. If you continue to but so much energy into this affair that's now over, your marriage will suffer. Try and think of ways to bring your mind back to what's important to you.
Emme Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I'm not sure why she tells my wife certain things like how all the men like her how her and her husband have sex rampages throughout the house she tells my wife how me and her should have sex. My wife thinks she's funny but a flake. WTF!!! Oh hell no! You have to tell your wife. This woman is truly going to make you suffer. If you can handle her game playing then I wish you well. If you can't it's best to tell your wife and get her out of your life.
Author mr h Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Emme not sure if you read the earlier post but she was referring to me and my wife not me and my x. Like that matters. Emme I am unfortunately going to have to play her games till she stops and hopefully she will. I think she is getting boared right now as I'm not giving her much attention.
spice4life Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Emme not sure if you read the earlier post but she was referring to me and my wife not me and my x. Like that matters. Emme I am unfortunately going to have to play her games till she stops and hopefully she will. I think she is getting boared right now as I'm not giving her much attention. Why don't you just tell her that it is over and that you would appreciate it if she respcted your right to heal and move on by not contacting you or your wife? That's a very reasonable request.
Wandaland Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I am trying to be a better man and husband, I hate what I have done to my wife I do. I know it's going to be a long and rough road ahead and I'm willing to deal with that. But truth be told I am hurting right now and hopefully the pain will go away. How can you possibly try to be a better man and husband if you're still keeping secrets from your wife? Even though the affair is over, you're still lying to her. Your marriage is not innocent anymore. It's full of lies and deception. The only way to fix this is confess to your wife. But since you already said you're not gonna do that, then you're never going to be a better man, nor a better husband. The pain you're feeling now is never going away, unless you take some responsibility for your actions. Hey, I'm just trying to help you out here. If you were the one being betrayed, would you want your wife to tell you the truth? Think about it. Whether she leaves you or not, at least you'll know that you're one step ahead of being a better, more honest person.
Emme Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Emme I am unfortunately going to have to play her games till she stops and hopefully she will. I think she is getting boared right now as I'm not giving her much attention. I'm telling you from now. Know what line you won't allow her to cross if her behavior continues. It can only get worse and if it does please promise yourself you will be the one to end the drama. Don't let her be the one to tell your wife.
Author mr h Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Emme yes I will draw a line in the sand for sure. And then take action.
skywriter Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Kansas yes I know what you are talking about for sure. No they have never been out on a girls night, I don't think she would ever say anything to my wife as she has to much to lose her big house her daughter etc. And yes I have asked to speak with her about the situation and when I bring it up she says stop you are thinking way too much about it and she won't talk about it anylonger. I'm not sure why she tells my wife certain things like how all the men like her how her and her husband have sex rampages throughout the house she tells my wife how me and her should have sex. My wife thinks she's funny but a flake. Skywriter yes she is married, she knew my wife for a while before hand just in casual passing store park things like that, then after A started she started to text her and call her cell phone all of this was unknown to me till my wife told me we are going to go out with them ad couples. My x A partner has done this a few times now. Ok, thanks for clearing that up. Telling you and your W, how best to have sex. EEEEK!!! She's well....just be careful of her.
woinlove Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 mr h, are you and your W in MC? If not, what do you think about getting MC? It doesn't sound like your M has much of a chance to develop into a successful R, but with a lot of determination and professional help it might. It is not only the betrayal and deception of the A, but even now that the A has ended, you are not protecting your W from this woman who seems to be getting her kicks from playing on your W's trust and ignorance of the situation. We only see one side here - your W may also be displaying a lack of caring about you, I don't know. But even one person feeling this way is enough to cripple the M.
spice4life Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Ok, thanks for clearing that up. Telling you and your W, how best to have sex. EEEEK!!! She's well....just be careful of her. I completely agree. mH, maybe you should offer her a suggestion. Tell her she should focus that helpy helperton sex advice into something productive, like becoming a sex therapist instead meddling in your marriage.
Author mr h Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Wo yes we have gone to see someone we both needed to get onto the same page that's for sure. And sky I don't think she could be a sex therapist what I have found in life if someone continually talks about how much they do something they usually don't do it that much. And she wouldn't have been in an A.
spice4life Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Wo yes we have gone to see someone we both needed to get onto the same page that's for sure. And sky I don't think she could be a sex therapist what I have found in life if someone continually talks about how much they do something they usually don't do it that much. And she wouldn't have been in an A. The sex therapist post was me and I was only kidding actually. The thing is mH, you seem to be stuck on this woman to a point where you are obsessing a little. Don't let her take up so much room in your head. Step back and focus your energies and thoughts on your marriage. Pick a place to start and go from there. Your feelings are valid, its perfectly normal to have them, just don't let them over shadow your life. You have a wife and family...focus on them and quit worrying about why this woman is doing what she is doing.
RickFox Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 The sex therapist post was me and I was only kidding actually. The thing is mH, you seem to be stuck on this woman to a point where you are obsessing a little. Don't let her take up so much room in your head. Step back and focus your energies and thoughts on your marriage. Pick a place to start and go from there. Your feelings are valid, its perfectly normal to have them, just don't let them over shadow your life. You have a wife and family...focus on them and quit worrying about why this woman is doing what she is doing. Easier said than done. I speak for only me but Im sure Mr H isn't too far off the same page. When you invest so much of yourself into someone be it for a short or long time, it is extremely hard to "let go". You know what you're supposed to do, but your mind, well it's got a mind of its own so to speak. The thought patterns are hard to break, the addiction to that person or the feeling you got with them....all go hand in hand and create a bit of havoc in your head. I'm sure it's when he's by himself that the thoughts and feelings and wonderings are at their worst. Again, I speak for myself but Im sure it hits close to home. He'll have to discover for himself over and over again as I have that the answers you get will not come from the OW and it will be a daily struggle to move on but he will albeit slowly, judging by his tone and our similarities of being stuck on the xOW. It's a sucky process and I don't envy anyone who finds themselves in this predicament.
Snowflower Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Easier said than done. I speak for only me but Im sure Mr H isn't too far off the same page. When you invest so much of yourself into someone be it for a short or long time, it is extremely hard to "let go". You know what you're supposed to do, but your mind, well it's got a mind of its own so to speak. The thought patterns are hard to break, the addiction to that person or the feeling you got with them....all go hand in hand and create a bit of havoc in your head. Okay, please know I'm not picking on you, Rick or Mr H. I am going to try to word this as carefully as I can while still conveying what I am trying to say. The written word has its limits and I hope my words or read in the spirit in which I write them... Rick, you say that you invested so much of yourself in the OW and even though it was only a few months, you have a hard time letting go. Okay, well what about your wife? You have been with her a lot longer than a few months and I assume you were invested in her at one time. So why is it so hard to invest in your wife and marriage? Why has your feelings for the OW precluded all that you felt for your wife? See, as BW (in the same shoes as your wife) I just don't understand this. You had a connection with the OW and you invested yourself emotionally. It is hard to break. I get this part but what I don't understand is what about that connection to your wife? You obviously did have this or else you wouldn't have married her or stayed with her all these years. Where the heck is that connection/investment with your wife? TBH (and I know this sounds harsh), I don't see any real hope for either your marriage or for Mr H's. In both situations, the WH is unwilling/unable to invest in the marriage relationship. Every marriage needs two invested partners to make it work, especially after infidelity. Rick, I think if your wife read your posts here, her heart would break and she would disconnect from you completely. Please think about that because I think your marriage is doomed.
woinlove Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Easier said than done. I speak for only me but Im sure Mr H isn't too far off the same page. When you invest so much of yourself into someone be it for a short or long time, it is extremely hard to "let go". You know what you're supposed to do, but your mind, well it's got a mind of its own so to speak. The thought patterns are hard to break, the addiction to that person or the feeling you got with them....all go hand in hand and create a bit of havoc in your head. I'm sure it's when he's by himself that the thoughts and feelings and wonderings are at their worst. Again, I speak for myself but Im sure it hits close to home. He'll have to discover for himself over and over again as I have that the answers you get will not come from the OW and it will be a daily struggle to move on but he will albeit slowly, judging by his tone and our similarities of being stuck on the xOW. It's a sucky process and I don't envy anyone who finds themselves in this predicament. What's not clear is why you or mr h want to stay married. Your energy appears to be all on yourself and OW or xOW. Do you stay married because of what you shared in the past and hope to again in the future? Or are you getting something you need and want out of the marriage right now even though it isn't enough to attract much of your energy/thoughts in that direction? Neither of you seem to have the option of being with xOW - is that the reason you stay married? Because you don't have the option of being with xOW?
Author mr h Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Let me first say I don't get offended by any of the post the are put on here, I understand that everyone is just trying to help and that there will be a difference of opinions. I do want to stay married because I do love my wife and want to get back what we had. I want to make lIke we were newly weds again some 15yrs ago.
Snowflower Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Let me first say I don't get offended by any of the post the are put on here, I understand that everyone is just trying to help and that there will be a difference of opinions. I do want to stay married because I do love my wife and want to get back what we had. I want to make lIke we were newly weds again some 15yrs ago. Do you think that this is in part what made the OW so attractive to you? The relationship with her had a spark, was new and exciting whereas the relationship with your wife had settled into a routine and you thought you knew everything about your wife? My H told me when he was in his affair that he felt that we had lost our spark. This was before I knew what was really going on with him. Part of what made the OW attractive to him was because there was a spark there and everything was new. What can you do to have that feeling with your wife again? That newlywed feeling? Is that even possible for you at this point, given how you feel about the OW?
woinlove Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 My H and I never lost that spark. But, I see the continuing spark as the outcome of years of commitment and loving action toward each other. If one took the other for granted or focussed attention elsewhere for years, and then deceived and continued to deceive the other spouse, it is difficult to see how one is going to regain a spark. How can this happen without a complete renewal and opening up of yourselves to each other? And how can you do that while holding back a major secret, tricking your wife into being with you? If you can pull that off, I'd be extremely surprised.
Author mr h Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Yes snow that was a big part of the A it was that she did make me feel loved and special maybe because it was new or maybe because it was real. Yes I think if I work hard and commit myself I can get things back to earlier times, people may not like to hear this but I think my wife has to helpout also. Like someone posted earlier it's not the big things it's the little things that people need, yes sometimes men need to feel loved.
RickFox Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Okay, please know I'm not picking on you, Rick or Mr H. I am going to try to word this as carefully as I can while still conveying what I am trying to say. The written word has its limits and I hope my words or read in the spirit in which I write them... Rick, you say that you invested so much of yourself in the OW and even though it was only a few months, you have a hard time letting go. Okay, well what about your wife? You have been with her a lot longer than a few months and I assume you were invested in her at one time. So why is it so hard to invest in your wife and marriage? Why has your feelings for the OW precluded all that you felt for your wife? See, as BW (in the same shoes as your wife) I just don't understand this. You had a connection with the OW and you invested yourself emotionally. It is hard to break. I get this part but what I don't understand is what about that connection to your wife? You obviously did have this or else you wouldn't have married her or stayed with her all these years. Where the heck is that connection/investment with your wife? TBH (and I know this sounds harsh), I don't see any real hope for either your marriage or for Mr H's. In both situations, the WH is unwilling/unable to invest in the marriage relationship. Every marriage needs two invested partners to make it work, especially after infidelity. Rick, I think if your wife read your posts here, her heart would break and she would disconnect from you completely. Please think about that because I think your marriage is doomed. You're right, the physical part lasted for a few months, but the connection she and I had was built up over a year or so and then it just blew up even more when we connected physically. Where is that connection with my wife you ask? She and I are both trying to find it. The disconnect happened long before the affair started. I use this site to express myself and my thoughts, much as I do therapy. I take the advice given and I use many of these posts to find strength. I am working on my marriage and yes my thoughts are of the xMW, but as I said before, they go to her when I am alone during the day as she filled me being lonely as my wife and I work different schedules. My marriage may be doomed, it may not be, she and I are working on it the best we can and for both of us, things are still fresh. Thanks for your thoughts.
confusedinkansas Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Yes snow that was a big part of the A it was that she did make me feel loved and special maybe because it was new or maybe because it was real. Yes I think if I work hard and commit myself I can get things back to earlier times, people may not like to hear this but I think my wife has to helpout also. Like someone posted earlier it's not the big things it's the little things that people need, yes sometimes men need to feel loved. What is it you want from her? What specifically does she need to do?
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