Author mr h Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 No I personally dont know anyone with that type of marriage and I hope by the grace of god o can make mine work. Maybe you can answer a question I have she would always tell me how great her husband and her marriage were and how she couldn't understand how she was having an A. Was she lying or is that possible if it isn't an open marriage?
spice4life Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Wo you are right she is manipulative with me for sure because I have told her everything about how I feel and what I think about her, but how do I break this grasp she has on me? I feel so lost and confused right now. I know she has done some rotten things with me and isn't always nice to my wife bit I still think about her and I can't figure out why. Have you thought about going to counseling? It has probably been suggested already, but its something to think about. I feel for you because you have a lot of feelings that are confusing you. I can tell you this though, yes I said she is using your wife to get to you however, that doesn't mean she actually cares. As a matter of fact, she may only like the ego boost your attention gives her and subconsciously it may be all she wants. If she truly cared about you she wouldn't have befriended your wife. There is no way in h*ll I would have done that to the MM I was involved with because I DO care about him. As screwed up as the situation was, that is not a line I would have ever crossed. I *shudder* at the thought of someone doing that in fact. It's because I truly cared. She may have no clue and is only being motivated by her own selfish needs. mH, you are just going to have to bite the bullet and go NC to give yourself space and time to heal. That's all you really can do. Time will heal and bring the answers you are seeking.
Author mr h Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Funny thing spice I think she has already beat me to the punch as I haven't heard from her in over 3 weeks now and I truly believe I'm not going to hear from her again. I know that's a good thing but it is still hard for me to take being we had so much communication and a 20yr friendship. Spice I have read about NC a little bit the only thing I'm a little confused with about it, it says could make your x want you even more?
spice4life Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 It doesn't really matter if it makes them want you more if you are truly committed to putting this all behind you. That will happen for a period of time, but if it is met with no response from you, she will eventually be able to let go herself. You just have to be willing to stay strong until it passes. Think of it as a hurricane and you are just waiting silently for it to pass. There will still be a lot of feelings to sift through afterwards, but your mind will be a lot clearer and things will fall into perspective.
Emme Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Eh em, Mr. H why are you still hung up? You have read the no contact thread and now you know what you have to do. Why are you concerned with the possible actions of her wanting more. I keep getting this feeling from both you and Rick that you guys are not ready to move on. If you aren't, that's ok. You are an adult and that decision can only be made by you. Please don't give me the response of you care if she'll retaliate and tell you wife. So what if she does, the affair would be out in the open, so what. Are you ready to move forward and forget about this affair, be honest?
Author mr h Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Emme I have been truthful in all of my post on here and am doing my best with answering questions. Emme trust me I'm not going to say that I'm nice to her because I'm afraid she's going to tell my wife that's not why I'm nice t o her. Emme I am still confused as I honestly love my wife I guess some on here don't believe me on that. But my x made me feel very special in ways that I have never felt told me things that I have never been told. Did I like having my ego boosted yes of course I did, I am trying to suppress my feelings about her, I hate repeating myself but I feel terrible that I lost this women in my life. I know some say 3 weeks isn't a long time but right now to me it is. I have made zero effort to contact my x all summer and fall, any contact I have had with her has been started by her or on casual passing.
Emme Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I just wanted to clear that up because I still hear the undertone of longing for that ex's love again in your text. She has touched your heart not just stroked your ego. It seems you are still grieving and I will give you your space to do so. No more drilling from me on your emotions. I know how you feel. I'm living through that now and for months I've been in pain. Just hang in there. You have a whole support group anytime you need to vent. Just take it easy and try to think happy thoughts.
RickFox Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I just wanted to clear that up because I still hear the undertone of longing for that ex's love again in your text. She has touched your heart not just stroked your ego. It seems you are still grieving and I will give you your space to do so. No more drilling from me on your emotions. I know how you feel. I'm living through that now and for months I've been in pain. Just hang in there. You have a whole support group anytime you need to vent. Just take it easy and try to think happy thoughts. You know a few days ago I was doing great....or good and then I put myself in a position to where I saw her. I furthered my pain by waving at her and her looking the other way. I am mourning the loss of her and my wife. My marriage is not the same and if we make it it wont ever be the same. I confess my feelings for the xMW are there and are strong,so strong I've been wanting to send her a text that says I miss her which will probably serve to have her shut me out even more. Its been two months since she shut me out and it feels a helluva lot longer.
Wandaland Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 my wife knows nothing about the A, as I have previosly stated I do love my wife dearly it just that everything was routine but I am working on that. I do love my wife dearly, just that things became routine for us not good but I'm working on that. Obviously you don't love your wife enough to respect her and honor the trust she has for you. If you felt that your marriage was repetitive, then the only thing you had to do was talk to her about it. But noooo, you thought that the only smart and mature thing to do was hook with another woman behind her back. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if your wife was cheating on you instead, would you? How would you feel? If you really wanna work things out with your wife, then it's time for you to be a MAN. Be honest with her and tell her the truth. As for your exAP, forget about her and move on. You have other things more important than her. Like your MARRIAGE.
Author mr h Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Wandaland you are right I did disrespect my wife, but unless you have been in the situation I'm in and maybe you have things aren't that easy or cut and try. There are real and strong emotions here this wasn't only about sex. Emme you are not hurting me at all you have helped me big time you don't need to give me space as your input is very valuable to me.
Farrah Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Do not do it. Believe me put yourself in your wifes shoes. She desrves your hundred percent attention and care.If she catches you trust will end forever. Im in that situation I caught my husband with several women for a moment of excitement he crushed me forever. Im thinking of leaving him. He seems like he will change but he never even apologized yesterday he hit me on my head repeatedly. Man like this will be alone and miserable for he cant cherish a respectable woman in Gods eyes in wedlock with him.Not knowing this person, I can only take a stab in the dark as to why she's acting the way she is. Actually, I'd say you may have some idea as to why she's acting the way she is. I'd guess she's having conflicting emotions about the affair ending. She probably wonders if you think about her, and if you wish the two of you were still seeing one another. When she wants to hear from you and she doesn't she may get angry and or sad. So, when she does run into you, she puts on a tough front and behaves rudely, because she thinks that may be the best way to handle her emotions. Ending an A can be more difficult that being involved in an A. Your emotions can be so conflicting , causing you to behave in ways you wouldn't normally behave. It could be that if you could just talk, which given the situation may not be a wise thing to do. But, if you could she may be able to explain herself and her behavior.
Wandaland Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Wandaland you are right I did disrespect my wife, but unless you have been in the situation I'm in and maybe you have things aren't that easy or cut and try. There are real and strong emotions here this wasn't only about sex. Of course it's not easy. Confessing to your wife that you betrayed her is a hard thing to do, because you know it's gonna hurt her. But that's why I'm telling you to man up and take some responsibility for your selfish actions. You didn't answer my question. How would you feel if your wife went behind your back and formed a romantic relationship with another man? Would you feel devastated or angry? Would you feel heartbroken that she broke her wedding vows? The problem with you is that you lack empathy and compassion. You don't care about your wife's feelings, and you thought it was worth risking your marriage to her. That's why you got yourself into this mess, and now here you are, going on and on about this other woman when you already have a wife of your own! If you really love your wife and think that she deserves better than to be lied to, then you would tell her the truth. No matter how hard it is.
Author mr h Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Wandaland of course I would feel terrible if I found out my wife was cheating on me, but I know for a fact that she will leave if I tell her. So then what am I suppose to do? I have stated in earlier post that I felt like a bastard for what I have done.
woinlove Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Wandaland of course I would feel terrible if I found out my wife was cheating on me, but I know for a fact that she will leave if I tell her. So then what am I suppose to do? I have stated in earlier post that I felt like a bastard for what I have done. It seems you have 2 choices: 1. Tell your wife the truth and face the consequences of your actions. The benefit to this is, although you behaved badly, you would then be behaving well and honestly, and that should serve you well in any future R, with your W or others. 2. Keep all this hidden and secret from your W, effectively tricking her to stay married to you by deception, and try to build the best M you can under those conditions. Your M would lack some respect, openness, honesty and intimacy. You may cheat again in the future just because of the fallout of the kind of M one has with those qualities lacking, but maybe not. Also, you might have trouble letting go of xAP, with whom you didn't have to keep up such deception - affording the two of you a bit more intimacy. She may crop up in your mind whenever the distance that keeping a big secret causes in your M gets to you.
confusedinkansas Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) Wandaland of course I would feel terrible if I found out my wife was cheating on me, but I know for a fact that she will leave if I tell her. So then what am I suppose to do? I have stated in earlier post that I felt like a bastard for what I have done. 2 things come to mind as I'm reading all of this 1) Since your XAP is in contact with your wife & telling her little tid-bits (we think hoping it'll get back to you) Aren't you afraid that one of her bragging sessions may turn out bad....as in - Oh BTW Your husband, this or that. Little pieces of information she SHOULDN'T know. Does your wife & this other woman go out together - girls nights, etc? I'd be afraid after a glass of wine or two the other woman may spill the beans.....anyway - I'm rambling - you get where I'm going with this, right? I personally wouldn't TELL your wife - but the other woman MAY do it for you. Just something to think about. 2) IF you're really feeling as bad as it's coming across here about this other woman & you really have these DEEP NEEDS & DESIRES...... Have you thought about emailing or texting her to meet. One last time. To talk & have your FINAL...C L O S U R E - It's a big word & most of us wish we'd have had it - (I for one didn't get it) Closure may be what you need................(I don't recommend it -it's just a passing thought)....... ALTHOUGH...... Seeing your EXAP after the fact -& not being in the heat of the affair is VERY PAINFUL. Because all of those feelings will come rushing back like a tidle wave - it'll HURT!! It takes you back to square one in the recovery process. (just sayin') Edited October 11, 2011 by confusedinkansas
skywriter Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 mr h, Did she befriend your wife or did you introduce the two of them to one another? There is a big difference in befriending your wife and be introduced and not having a choice as to wether you meet her or not. I don't know if you've mentioned this or not. Is the OW single or a MW?
Author mr h Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Kansas yes I know what you are talking about for sure. No they have never been out on a girls night, I don't think she would ever say anything to my wife as she has to much to lose her big house her daughter etc. And yes I have asked to speak with her about the situation and when I bring it up she says stop you are thinking way too much about it and she won't talk about it anylonger. I'm not sure why she tells my wife certain things like how all the men like her how her and her husband have sex rampages throughout the house she tells my wife how me and her should have sex. My wife thinks she's funny but a flake. Skywriter yes she is married, she knew my wife for a while before hand just in casual passing store park things like that, then after A started she started to text her and call her cell phone all of this was unknown to me till my wife told me we are going to go out with them ad couples. My x A partner has done this a few times now.
confusedinkansas Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Kansas yes I know what you are talking about for sure. No they have never been out on a girls night, I don't think she would ever say anything to my wife as she has to much to lose her big house her daughter etc. And yes I have asked to speak with her about the situation and when I bring it up she says stop you are thinking way too much about it and she won't talk about it anylonger. I'm not sure why she tells my wife certain things like how all the men like her how her and her husband have sex rampages throughout the houseshe tells my wife how me and her should have sex. My wife thinks she's funny but a flake. Skywriter yes she is married, she knew my wife for a while before hand just in casual passing store park things like that, then after A started she started to text her and call her cell phone all of this was unknown to me till my wife told me we are going to go out with them ad couples. My x A partner has done this a few times now. WOW! Your wife is OK with this? (I'm assuming the ME & HER...are you & your EXAP? - Right) The bolded statement alone would be a HUGE RED FLAG for me. Just from that conversation alone - telling her about the sexual stuff etc, other men want her - .....I'd personally ignore her phone calls (thank god for caller ID ) - But I'm too old to listen to people tell of all of their sexual conquests. It's immature!! & Boring!! Your wife is probably right, she's a flake. BUT your wife keeps talking to her. If I were you that would STILL worry me. You ASSUME the other woman has a lot to lose. Are you forgetting that TRUTHS aren't always told in an affair situation.
Author mr h Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 No no Kansas that was meaning me and my wife NOT me and my x A partner. Sorry for the miscommunication.
confusedinkansas Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 No no Kansas that was meaning me and my wife NOT me and my x A partner. Sorry for the miscommunication. Ok.....Well that's SOMEWHAT better. Still weird though.
Author mr h Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Kansas I don't remember if you are a female buy if you are, do women have these types of conversation with each other. Of not why is she doing it for?
confusedinkansas Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Kansas I don't remember if you are a female buy if you are, do women have these types of conversation with each other. Of not why is she doing it for? Yes female. None of my female friends have ever been like this. Even in my younger years. - There is this one guy friend I have. We've been friends for probably 25 years. (He's friends with my husband mostly) He's 40+, Single & doesn't hesitate to share his sexual conquests. It bores me to tears so I just half pay attention & move on to the next conversation. Not knowing what age you & this other woman are - my theory - She's YOUNG! IMMATURE! & has ZERO BOUNDERIES! Expecially if she's talking about this kind of thing with your wife - who you said they aren't even close.
Author mr h Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Well Kansas not sure if this even matters but we are both in our 40's also she has a daughter and I don't have any children.
Wandaland Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Wandaland of course I would feel terrible if I found out my wife was cheating on me, but I know for a fact that she will leave if I tell her. So then what am I suppose to do? I have stated in earlier post that I felt like a bastard for what I have done. There you go again, being selfish. Why don't you stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your wife? And odds are, she won't leave you if you tell her the truth. I read somewhere that most women who say that they'll leave, will think differently when it actually happens to them and stay with their husbands to work out their marriage. I have a hard time believing that you feel horrible for what you did. Do you really feel like a bastard? Are you able to sleep at night knowing that you were unfaithful to her? Is your conscious making your life unbearable? Are you able to look at your wife's face without feeling a pang of guilt and shame? Because if you really did, then you would have confessed to her by now. Be a man, quit being a coward, and do the right thing.
confusedinkansas Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) Well Kansas not sure if this even matters but we are both in our 40's also she has a daughter and I don't have any children. OK - I'll still stick with my original assessment of her. Immature & has no bounderies. Here's a passing thought............MAYBE her husband knows about you (not you specifically but YOU as in someone else she's slept with (YOU may not be her first BTW)) & he also knows about all the other men that hit on her & MAYBE....Just maybe he gets off on it.....Think about it. It may explain why she's so screwed up in the boundery department. I'm also guessing if she's this free with information to your wife, she's probably like this with other people as well. Commenting on Wandaland's post. Not telling your wife doesn't make you a coward. Edited October 11, 2011 by confusedinkansas
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