confusedinkansas Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Mr. H I have been asking this question here for years. No one can come up with a straight answer. Mostly because they don't know your XAP. My EX- still contacts me from time to time via email (thank goodness that's the only avenue he has left - unless he shows up at my office) & it's been almost 3 years. However, we did not have THE .."This is over" Talk. We merely parted ways because of the nature of our situation at that time. Ours was a little more complex. We have seen each other a few times in public. I pretty much ignore him. When this happens I'm guaranteed an email within the next few days. Anyway - Several here have said that he contacts me because he still wants to keep his options open. Perhaps. I don't know for sure. Could this be the reason she's contacting you? I've also been told here that the only way to keep it from happening again is to tell him POINT BLANK....DO NOT .... contact me anymore. You could try that - but your bunny boiler comment - well, I can see why you haven't done that. Anyway - Is it possible that deep down YOU are also keeping your options open?
RickFox Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Rick whats was the longest you went w/o hearing from your A partner? Like Emme told me im trying to be completely honest on here to get some help. I find myself checking the phone numerous times a day to see if she called knowing full well that she didnt. Then when she finally does call or text its like the world is good again. Im not sure if this matters or not be the A ended in the spring but she has still contacted me through out the summer and now fall on a bi-weekly basis. My thought here is just to let things be and not stir the pot to much and try and keep things as normal as possible if that makes any sence. And Emme you are right its at least 30% if not a little more. Just seems like this girl is keeping me in limbo she doesnt want me to close and i dont think she wants me gone either. Emme maybe you can answer something for me during the A she threw out a couple of i love yous in there and then she tried to play it off as if it were a joke do you believe that? But i am doing better at home w/my wife but its still hard when i think about this other women. If she wanted nothing to do with me why does she still contact me for??? Well, my xMW first ended contact in June, then she texted me saying she needed me back and didn't want to lose me. Then she stopped again, and after a week or two of not hearing from her I broke down and contacted her. Then she said it was nice to talk to me and then bit my head off...and then I broke down again ....so I'm the one who initiated contact those times. Then she inititiated contact after she found out I spoke to a mutual acquaintance and wantd to know what I told her about us. She initiated it a bit more in August and then called me a stalker when I asked her a question. It's been since then we haven't spoken, it's not been easy, Ive got questions and I want answers and I won't ever get them. I see her at the school where our kids go, she walks right by me and acts like Im not there. She wont look at me, hasn't said a word.....it's childish but what can I do. I can tell by your tone on here that you want her to contact you, you crave it....that's okay, alot of us are going thru that battle as well. Ive gone thru the phone withdrawal. when it alerts I wonder if its her, I used to feel a constant buzzing in my chest where I kept my phone in the pocket. I'd get up in the middle of the night to check it.....it was all consuming.
Author mr h Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Hey Kansas you are right i guess i am keeping MY options open also by not telling her to stop, im just afraid what will happen if i do that will she go bunny boiler on me??? It seems like i need to be validated by this women for some reason, like if i knew that at some point in time that she had realy liked me i think things would have good a little easier she told me she liked me and at the time i believed it. And we did have the its over talk and there has been no sex since that talk we kissed a few times after that and thats been it. I know im repeating myself but if you are done with me why are you still contacting me, although i believe she is done with me now. What scares me is she has called my wife a few times for us to go out as couples for some drinks or a dinner and my wife says fine because she doesnt know any better. The last time we went out as couples was last month it was weird but nothing crazy happened. Rick you are right about the phone craving we went from about a 1000 texts a month the 1st few months to almost nothing now. Im not trying to be mean or nasty just hope she is going through the same thing as i am.
Author mr h Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Oh Rick a big difference i think in our A partners is yours has said she misses you and wants you mine only told me that 1 time. God does that sound pathetic...
RickFox Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Yeah, well her words were just that...words. I dont think any of it was true, I was played, its why she can walk by me without saying a word. I gave her what she wanted and when we got caught, the fun was over and she's moved on. I don't want to admit that, it hurts to think that but it makes the most sense. You want her to contact you, just as I want(ed) my xMW to contact me, you want to get closure and you don't have it. You also secretly want to have another fling if that happens you'll F your head up even more. I've played all the scenarios and aint none of it easy. Accept you had feelings for her, she doesn't for you and try to make it day by day. That's how I operate.
Author mr h Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Rick that sucks im sure she had to have had feelings for you at some point in time other wise she wouldnt have been with you at all. Maybe her ignoring you is her way of dealing with not being w/you, as you can see im no expert on this thats why im on here. My ex A partner use to tell me all the time how good things were at her house and how she couldnt understand why she was with me. Tell you what this isnt fun its like a full time job now trying to figure out if this week she will be nice or not if she will call me or my wife. So was not worth it at all, it was fun and it was hot at the time i guess because it was something new. But boy do you pay for it after the fact. Im trying hard not believe that i was played but maybe that i was played out and she got tired of me either way it hurts.
Circular Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 From what I see what you're both experiencing is pretty much the norm. First tendency is to lie to oneself about the significance of the AP, downplay it, make it seem like it had less value then it really did. This is called a coping mechanism, we all do it. We get angry at the AP for the way the situation turned out, for them turning their backs on us, we want the fantasy to be realized, not shattered. But the rules changed and neither AP knows exactly where they stand anymore, its safer to hole-up and act uncaring. The standoffish, rudeness, avoidance, coldness, etc... are all part of that coping mechanism... I suppose I could ask the same question back.. how are you really acting any different? It becomes a game of wits, who can outlast the other. Sure, maybe you broke down once and she acted brutally cold. Why? Most likely seeing you break down made her feel vulnerable, and she was still hurt from how things played out. What would you expect her to do? Would you really have acted much different? or would you have been cautious? There's a lot at stake.
RickFox Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 From what I see what you're both experiencing is pretty much the norm. First tendency is to lie to oneself about the significance of the AP, downplay it, make it seem like it had less value then it really did. This is called a coping mechanism, we all do it. We get angry at the AP for the way the situation turned out, for them turning their backs on us, we want the fantasy to be realized, not shattered. But the rules changed and neither AP knows exactly where they stand anymore, its safer to hole-up and act uncaring. The standoffish, rudeness, avoidance, coldness, etc... are all part of that coping mechanism... I suppose I could ask the same question back.. how are you really acting any different? It becomes a game of wits, who can outlast the other. Sure, maybe you broke down once and she acted brutally cold. Why? Most likely seeing you break down made her feel vulnerable, and she was still hurt from how things played out. What would you expect her to do? Would you really have acted much different? or would you have been cautious? There's a lot at stake. I would expect someone who proclaimedto have had strong feelings to be civil and not a b*tech. Id expect her not to say im a stalker when I did no such thing. Id expect acknowledgment, a how are you, something that shows I wasn't a fool. In my case I was/am. Don't wanna hijack any further
Circular Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I would expect someone who proclaimedto have had strong feelings to be civil and not a b*tech. Id expect her not to say im a stalker when I did no such thing. Id expect acknowledgment, a how are you, something that shows I wasn't a fool. In my case I was/am. Don't wanna hijack any further So you got caught, gave up xMW for your W told her you still had feelings but were going back to your M to work on it, etc... You don't think she was slightly hurt? Dont get me wrong, I'm not a proponent of you standing around pining for xMW or that you should wait for her to contact you, or be empathetic all I'm getting at is be real, speak the truth and see that everyone gets hurt here in some way. Nobody gets off free, nobody walks away undamaged and without scars. There's shattered dream/fantasy here that's been lost. Loss is loss. You keep posting about how she treated you, how she's snubbed you, how she looks the other way, how she avoids you, how she's being such a b1atch. Maybe that's the only way she knows how to deal with her own pain because she knows she has to shut you out, closer her heart to you, etc... Quit mis-directing the anger.
Author mr h Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Circular im not sure if you are talking to me or Rick or both of us, i do understand your point about the females emotions but as adults shouldnt we be able to talk things out like adults. I unlike Rick did not get caught in what i did not that it makes it right but i have tried to talk to my A partner as to what went on and when i did i got rebuffed and the subject got changed. I guess we as men wear our heart on our sleeve and it bothers us more then it does the women. Or the women just do a better job in hidding there emotions then we do, maybe Emme or a female can help us out on that.
RickFox Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 So you got caught, gave up xMW for your W told her you still had feelings but were going back to your M to work on it, etc... You don't think she was slightly hurt? Dont get me wrong, I'm not a proponent of you standing around pining for xMW or that you should wait for her to contact you, or be empathetic all I'm getting at is be real, speak the truth and see that everyone gets hurt here in some way. Nobody gets off free, nobody walks away undamaged and without scars. There's shattered dream/fantasy here that's been lost. Loss is loss. You keep posting about how she treated you, how she's snubbed you, how she looks the other way, how she avoids you, how she's being such a b1atch. Maybe that's the only way she knows how to deal with her own pain because she knows she has to shut you out, closer her heart to you, etc... Quit mis-directing the anger. Ok, not trying to hijack the thread here, but I was set to leave my family for the OW, I didn't tell her I was going back to my wife to try and fix things. I'm not misdirecting any anger here. She said she wanted to be friends still, to hang out every now and then, that she reconnected with her husband all of a sudden and so on. I got left out in the dust and I'm picking up all the pieces. I'm sure she's hurt what with all the fun she's having telling everyone Im stalking her and whatever else I did. I don't expect empathy or anything, I made my bed and Im laying in it. My point is, we are all adults, and we were two consenting cheating adults, and now all of sudden, Im the bad guy .... I can be civil, say hello, or even nod, but acting like I don't exist doesn't change what we did. I hope the OP gets his answers and gets his head on right.
Emme Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 i do understand your point about the females emotions but as adults shouldnt we be able to talk things out like adults. Revert back to childhood remember... Or the women just do a better job in hidding there emotions then we do, maybe Emme or a female can help us out on that. Ok I'll bite. I hid my feelings from my friend because I didn't want him to know that I had fallen for him. Conversation would begin about emotions I would just kick it to the ground and stomp on it. Acted like I didn't care. Acted like I didn't' feel anything. They were strong emotions and I tried to dismiss them. You hide your emotions because you don't want to be the one that hurts. The thing is it doesn't work. You will hurt no matter what as long as love is there.
Emme Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Ok, not trying to hijack the thread here, but I was set to leave my family for the OW, I didn't tell her I was going back to my wife to try and fix things. Say what!!! For all you know she was ready to walk also but you didn't communicate. No one wants to take the leap and drop flat on their face. If you love someone that's the risk you have to take. How could she read your mind and know your intentions. In the end if people just communicate and are honest about their feelings things might go smoothly.
Author mr h Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Emme im not trying to be funny here because nothing is funny about these situations. But wouldnt it have been easier on everyone your self included if you just said what your emotions were. I did to my ex A partner she smiled at it and i got nothing in return from her, except she said i would be with you if i didnt like you right. I sorta hope my ex A partner felt like you did towards we im not sure why i do but i do.
Emme Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Personally the last thing I want is to have a man know that he has my heart. I can't speak for everyone it's just how I am designed. It would have been easier, yes. But easier means taking a risk and what will happen if that someone doesn't live up to your expectations…of what you want. The same piss poor tactics we/I used in our relationships we/I brought that into the affair. Nothing really changes. No one communicates. We just run! The both of us had our relationships. I don’t even think we understood the risks since we had been friends. It was more like people were coming into a world we already had and that’s why it went on for so long. It’s just unreal. Being honest in an affair is scary and that’s why people don’t come clean. They hide their emotions until it’s too late. It’s the same in marriages. Instead of communicating issues, you run. It’s sick but that’s reality. Some people will always find more reasons for why they can’t do/accomplish things instead of just one reason why they should.
RickFox Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Say what!!! For all you know she was ready to walk also but you didn't communicate. No one wants to take the leap and drop flat on their face. If you love someone that's the risk you have to take. How could she read your mind and know your intentions. In the end if people just communicate and are honest about their feelings things might go smoothly. No she wasn't ready. She made it clear she wasn't going to.leave but i made it clear of my intentions. There was no mind reading needed I made it clear...we even talked about seeing each other after the school year started again...and then...here we are. Yes being an adult about things would be the right way to go but apparently not feasible
confusedinkansas Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Oh Rick a big difference i think in our A partners is yours has said she misses you and wants you mine only told me that 1 time. God does that sound pathetic... I don't think this sounds pathetic HOWEVER - If you are still having these intense feelings for this woman ..... How do you plan to move on & stay in your marriage?.....Or is it your plan to stay married? I completely understand that in the beginning when an affair has ended it's VERY painful. You're confused, Your XAP (I'm assuming) is also confused. It's these kinds of emotions that if kept unchecked lead to XAP's becoming AP's again....& again....& again.... Get where I"m going? .......Been there myself. Anways - What is it YOU want? Do you want to continue - start up - the affair again? Do you want to stay with your wife? Only you can answer these questions. My only suggestion - Don't sit on the fence. It'll chap your @ss in no time. Figure out what YOU want & it'd probably be a good idea if you do decide to stay with your wife to STEER CLEAR of this other woman.......COMPLETELY! No more dinners out as couples....no more bumping into her on purpose. yadda yadda yadda!
Author mr h Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Kansas the A ended in the spring so this is old now and i still have these feelings maybe because there is still contact from time to time with her. Im not sure if you have been reading this from the begining or not and not even sure that it matters but me and my ex A partner were friends for a long time before this happened well over 20yrs, i think losing the friendship may hurt more then the A. You say stop seeing her but how do i explain to my wife w/o telling her what went on why we cant hangout with them again? This women has me in a corner right now. I am trying with my wife the thing at my house was every day was the same routine and now we a trying to break that mold. Kansas i do love my wife and thats the truth even though people will say i dont because of i have done. But for some reason this women has a hold on me that i cant shake, i have good days and i have bad days. I just wish i knew what she was thinking... Then i could start to mend myself.
Author mr h Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Oh Kansas forgot to mention, you say my ex A partner is probably going through some rough times. Boy it sure doesnt seem like it at all. Shes always happy never sad, she has even made fun of me saying i dont get to f**k her. That sure doesnt seem like somebody that is having a rough time with things.
confusedinkansas Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Oh Kansas forgot to mention, you say my ex A partner is probably going through some rough times. Boy it sure doesnt seem like it at all. Shes always happy never sad, she has even made fun of me saying i dont get to f**k her. That sure doesnt seem like somebody that is having a rough time with things. Would it make you feel better if she said she texted you with....."I am miserable...I feel horrible, I want you back" - etc? When you saw her out & about - if she looked like hell, would that be better for you? Would it make you feel better if she told you that she was sitting at home pining away for YOU? Wishinig the two of you could be together? If she told you these things............then what? Because you still have such strong feelings for her & she has such a hold on you - I don't think the affair, in your mind, is truly over. Is she toying with you now? Yes. She's just playing with your mind - Whether she says nice things or mean things - she's still playing with you. People that have that much power over another human being & can be that manipulative - well...they're just sad people..... But keep in mind, you're allowing her this much power. I'm guessing she's pretty bored now that she doesn't have you to play with 24/7. You're only her part time hobby now. Yes, I see that you have been friends forever. You miss the friendship. I get that. Here's another question though (I can't remember reading if she's married too....sorry) Are you friends with her husband? Because if I were your wife & you were only friends with HER...I'd have a REAL problem with that.
confusedinkansas Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 BTW - the questions I ask - not trying to be mean. Just wondering if that's what you're hoping for. Hoping that she still wants you.
Author mr h Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 No Kansas i didnt take your questions as mean no worries please. Yes i know her husband not well but do know him. Of course i dont want to see her sad or upset, but i think if she were able to open up to me about how she felt weather it was all a game or if she did have some true feelings for me it would be better for the both of us to help us move on. I have told this women everything about my feelings for her i left nothing out and boy was that a mistake. Because now she uses it against me. Just so very confused thats all, between the yoyoing back and forth of nice and mean.
skywriter Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I still believe it takes alot less effort to be nice, cordial, what have you, than it does to ignore, or make remarks like you aren't F-----g me anymore. It would be an indicator to me ,if my XAP were behaving that way. If she were not trying to make any form of contact, then I'd be more inclined to believe she'd moved on.
Author mr h Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Skywriter im sorry but im confused with your point, are you saying shes saying these things to me because she is done with me. If thats the case why bother with me for then cant you just go about your day w/o saying things like that.
Circular Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Personally the last thing I want is to have a man know that he has my heart. I can't speak for everyone it's just how I am designed. It would have been easier, yes. But easier means taking a risk and what will happen if that someone doesn't live up to your expectations…of what you want. The same piss poor tactics we/I used in our relationships we/I brought that into the affair. Nothing really changes. No one communicates. We just run! The both of us had our relationships. I don’t even think we understood the risks since we had been friends. It was more like people were coming into a world we already had and that’s why it went on for so long. It’s just unreal. Being honest in an affair is scary and that’s why people don’t come clean. They hide their emotions until it’s too late. It’s the same in marriages. Instead of communicating issues, you run. It’s sick but that’s reality. Some people will always find more reasons for why they can’t do/accomplish things instead of just one reason why they should. This is actually where I was trying to go with my statement, I ran short on time though and had to post quicker than I wanted. This is a very human thing to do actually, it's self-protectionism, refusing to become vulnerable (a selfish thing in itself). When this happens everyone interprets it as rudeness, being mean, b1tchiness, etc... The second part I was leading to was 'meaning', people have to find meaning, that it was worth the effort, the pain they are experiencing. It must have meant something, otherwise why this disaster. The problem is the above paragraph suddenly shuts off the spigot and it gets interpreted that 'it meant nothing' which isn't the case, the extreme repulsion comes from quite the opposite. The stakes are higher, it meant more than anyone had originally intended, etc... I was addressing both Rick and Mr H. in this, doesn't matter how it ended it only matters how people self-protect when things end.
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