mr h Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Need some help, i had an affair with a long time friend of mine who is also married. The affair lasted about 3 months then we stopped it, we continued to texted each other but nothing of real substance sometimes maybe a little flirty. I run into my affair partner every now and then at the store or park some days she is nice to be some days she looks as if she wants to kill me. During the affair she became friends with my wife, i believe it was a phony friendship with her she just was using her as a go between to get to me. As of late she has not contact my wife at all and when the 2 of us saw her the other day she was down right rude to her. When we stopped the affair we still wanted to be friends im not sure if that is possible or not? She will call or text me for a few days in a row then stop for 2 weeks or so is this normal is she just being nice or is she breaking my chops? We have gone out a couple of times since stopping and the 1 time we went out she was sorta being touchy feely with me and then the next day she texted that it was nice to see me. Then to other day she sends me a text saying how she has no underwear on and that i do not look good even though people have told me i look fine. Is she playing games with me, is she looking to start things up again? Please help!!!
Emme Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 (edited) She is playing games. The game is how I can make him want me again. First off she was rude to your wife, that’s reason alone not to f*ck with her, drama. She is just p*ssy and she needs to know her place. You even associating yourself with her after that incident is DANGEROUS. She has worked her way into being friends with your wife now she’s being nasty and rude towards her. Don’t add more drama to your life. You didn’t give detail as to how it ended or who started the discussion on ending this affair. If you got the evil eye I would say you ended it. If that’s not correct then please stay away from her, she’s crazy. The fact is she still wants you and she’s dangling her privates in your face. It’s up to you to fight the urge and end it if you want it to be over. If you don’t, be prepared for her making your life a living hell. Edited October 4, 2011 by Emme
East7 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 She is a player. All she does are games to have you flirt with her. It is just a seduction game to have your attention, it is a way of testing the market while being married. She has no intention to anything else but games. If you engage into something with her it may go far and you both will damage your respective marriages.
Lucky_One Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 As I told you in your other thread, it doesn't have to start again unless you want it to. Do you? Why were you friends with this woman for a long time, but she only befriended your wife during your 3 month fling?
skywriter Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Need some help, i had an affair with a long time friend of mine who is also married. The affair lasted about 3 months then we stopped it, we continued to texted each other but nothing of real substance sometimes maybe a little flirty. I run into my affair partner every now and then at the store or park some days she is nice to be some days she looks as if she wants to kill me. During the affair she became friends with my wife, i believe it was a phony friendship with her she just was using her as a go between to get to me. As of late she has not contact my wife at all and when the 2 of us saw her the other day she was down right rude to her. When we stopped the affair we still wanted to be friends im not sure if that is possible or not? She will call or text me for a few days in a row then stop for 2 weeks or so is this normal is she just being nice or is she breaking my chops? We have gone out a couple of times since stopping and the 1 time we went out she was sorta being touchy feely with me and then the next day she texted that it was nice to see me. Then to other day she sends me a text saying how she has no underwear on and that i do not look good even though people have told me i look fine. Is she playing games with me, is she looking to start things up again? Please help!!! Not knowing this person, I can only take a stab in the dark as to why she's acting the way she is. Actually, I'd say you may have some idea as to why she's acting the way she is. I'd guess she's having conflicting emotions about the affair ending. She probably wonders if you think about her, and if you wish the two of you were still seeing one another. When she wants to hear from you and she doesn't she may get angry and or sad. So, when she does run into you, she puts on a tough front and behaves rudely, because she thinks that may be the best way to handle her emotions. Ending an A can be more difficult that being involved in an A. Your emotions can be so conflicting , causing you to behave in ways you wouldn't normally behave. It could be that if you could just talk, which given the situation may not be a wise thing to do. But, if you could she may be able to explain herself and her behavior.
Author mr h Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 We have been friends for over 20yrs, we grew up in the same neighborhood. The ending of the A was a mutal agreement as it was getting to involved. Yes she had only befriended my wife during the A, now she will only send her a text every 7-10 days just to say hi or some other nonsence. I try my best to avoid her but like i said where we are is a small place and we do run into each other, i dont text or call her at all she is the one that starts up the contacting after a while. There are some days where she is nice and will say hello how are you doing then there are days where it looks likes she would want to kill me and doesnt utter a word. She is a smart girl my becoming friends with my wife because now all contact can not be cut off from her, if i say you shouldnt be friends with her my wife will want to know why. Thanks for the help...
Emme Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 The ending of the A was a mutal agreement as it was getting to involved. That is pure doodie if I ever heard.... The both of you didn't turn to each other and at the same exact time and say to each other "I don't think we should do this anymore". Someone started the conversation. If you don't remember, say you don't remember. This woman seems like she will be a thorn in your side. You don't have to tell your wife to end the friendship. Help her find a new one or keep her so busy she won't remember who the hell she is. You've known each other since childhood and maybe there are emotions there from childhood. You might not even know but there could be. Just try and get this woman out of your life and if you know her well enough dodge her as much as you can. Just don't play games with her ... unless you’re ready to loose your wife. Let her play ping pong by herself... I'm sure she'll find a wall.
Author mr h Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Emme she is the one that started the convo about ending the A and i agreed with her. The A ended in the spring, what i dont get is if you said you were done with me why would you keep a line of communication open with me via text messages even though it isnt alot of contact it is still there. I never had a good read on women so im not sure if she is just being nice every once in a while by texting me or is it all a game to her, we are both what you would call middle aged shouldnt the games be for teenagers?
Emme Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Don't you know the saying the older you get the more you revert back to childhood. I'm surprised she's not kicking you on a playground. People play games no matter the age. It's the pussyfooting around that's fun . What she’s looking for is for you not to be able to resist her rejection and continue with the affair. She can also just truly miss you. You've known each other most of your lives. I ended my affair physically, not emotionally. I basically did email once in a while to make sure everything was ok. No phone calls and hardly text. You have to decide if you want to have this affair. You seem like you want it to continue but you want us to confirm beforehand if you'll get your feeling hurts if you approach her. None of us truly knows what she’s thinking. When I ended my affair I still wanted to be a friend to my friend. It’s a very complicated situation. Sometimes it ends up that you just have to walk away. So… Do you want to continue this affair?
Author mr h Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Emme you are a smart person, im not looking at this from an outsiders view im in the middle of it so i only see it oneway. The way i see it is that i believe that this girl really doesnt like me at all anylonger and that she is just playing games, but that only how i see it. Other people have told me that she is breaking your chops and teasing you because she likes you just like you said getting kicked in the playground. As for the A i would have to say that i am 99% sure that i wouldnt do it again its that 1% that im scared of. Deep down i dont think that im worried about getting hurt by her just cant stand the games if in fact thats what they are, i would love to give her a taste of her own medicine, but im trying to take the high road. I say you are smart because you mentioned something about her wondering if she thought about me because i was thinking that the other day, was wondering if she is going through the same heart ache as i am. Or is just a mean woman?
MissBee Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 My questions would be: Are you open to another affair with her or anyone else? Are you remorseful about the affair you had and are you trying to renew your relationship with your wife? Why would you want to continue to be "friends" with your exAP who is also rude to your wife and whom you feel has a phony friendship with her? Does none of that make you feel like you should keep her out of your lives?
spice4life Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Affairs are hard all the way around and she is probably going through her own personal h*ll, just like you are. The thing I find puzzling and actually rather alarming, is that you allowed her to befriend your wife. I never understood that concept. Being in an affair is bad enough, but to befriend the wife while you are having sex with her husband behind her back? That boggles my mind and takes the betrayal to a level that is weird IMHO. I would be more worried about her going bunny boiler on you. Have you thought about coming clean with your wife and rebuilding your marriage? That would certainly put an end to this whole charade once and for all. By coming clean I mean telling your wife everything so this woman has no leverage against you. Something to think about.
fooled once Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 She is playing games. The game is how I can make him want me again. First off she was rude to your wife, that’s reason alone not to f*ck with her, drama. She is just p*ssy and she needs to know her place. You even associating yourself with her after that incident is DANGEROUS. She has worked her way into being friends with your wife now she’s being nasty and rude towards her. Don’t add more drama to your life. You didn’t give detail as to how it ended or who started the discussion on ending this affair. If you got the evil eye I would say you ended it. If that’s not correct then please stay away from her, she’s crazy. The fact is she still wants you and she’s dangling her privates in your face. It’s up to you to fight the urge and end it if you want it to be over. If you don’t, be prepared for her making your life a living hell. I agree. I believe she befriended your wife for 2 reasons - (1) to hold it over your head if you stop communicating with her on HER terms; as in being flirty or telling her how great she is and (2) because she likes the fact that she is making your wife out to be an idiot by screwing her friends husband under her nose. Neither of these reasons show class or maturing and make her out to be a whack job.
Fight4Me Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Affairs are hard all the way around and she is probably going through her own personal h*ll, just like you are. The thing I find puzzling and actually rather alarming, is that you allowed her to befriend your wife. I never understood that concept. Being in an affair is bad enough, but to befriend the wife while you are having sex with her husband behind her back? That boggles my mind and takes the betrayal to a level that is weird IMHO. I would be more worried about her going bunny boiler on you. Have you thought about coming clean with your wife and rebuilding your marriage? That would certainly put an end to this whole charade once and for all. By coming clean I mean telling your wife everything so this woman has no leverage against you. Something to think about. Spice, you took the words right out of my mouth, and "bunny boiler" was the first image that came to mind. Mr. H, I think the above advice to confess the A to your wife is excellent and I hope you give it some serious consideration. As it stands now, there's a very high risk of this being discovered no matter how confident you feel otherwise. If you go to your wife first, as painful as it will be for her, you actually have a good chance of saving your marriage. My fWH did so with me and I'm grateful that it came from him. I see this ending very very badly if you continue to lie to your wife as you are. Oh, and reality check... your affair hasn't really ended since you have continued contact with her, no matter how sparse it has been or who has initiated it.
spice4life Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Spice, you took the words right out of my mouth, and "bunny boiler" was the first image that came to mind. Mr. H, I think the above advice to confess the A to your wife is excellent and I hope you give it some serious consideration. As it stands now, there's a very high risk of this being discovered no matter how confident you feel otherwise. If you go to your wife first, as painful as it will be for her, you actually have a good chance of saving your marriage. My fWH did so with me and I'm grateful that it came from him. I see this ending very very badly if you continue to lie to your wife as you are. Oh, and reality check... your affair hasn't really ended since you have continued contact with her, no matter how sparse it has been or who has initiated it. I completely agree fight4me. He should embrace this opportunity and focus on rebuilding his marriage with his wife. OP, you should view this as a sign that you need to look at the life you already have and find a way to mend it and make it stronger than ever.
Author mr h Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Yes of course i am not proud of what i did, and i will take 100% of the blame as i just should have said no from the begining but i didnt. I am working on my relationship with my wife and no this was the only A that i have ever been involved in. She befriended my wife w/o me knowing by calling her at work and sending text messages to her. By then it was too late. So by us communicating still that means the A is still ongoing no matter how little the commuination is? The only reason that i answer her texts is so she doesnt go bunny boiler on me, same reason why i am not mean to her when i see her. I just hate the f--king mind games.... I guess i made my bed now i have to sleep in it.
Emme Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Emme you are a smart person, im not looking at this from an outsiders view im in the middle of it so i only see it oneway. The way i see it is that i believe that this girl really doesnt like me at all anylonger and that she is just playing games, but that only how i see it. Other people have told me that she is breaking your chops and teasing you because she likes you just like you said getting kicked in the playground. As for the A i would have to say that i am 99% sure that i wouldnt do it again its that 1% that im scared of. Deep down i dont think that im worried about getting hurt by her just cant stand the games if in fact thats what they are, i would love to give her a taste of her own medicine, but im trying to take the high road. I say you are smart because you mentioned something about her wondering if she thought about me because i was thinking that the other day, was wondering if she is going through the same heart ache as i am. Or is just a mean woman? Ok you see that 1% … It’s not 1%! Let’s start with that. The thing with affairs is that no one is honest. No one wants to be honest. The only way you’re going to move forward is if you lay it all down on the table. It’s not 1%. Say maybe 30%. I can tell you that personally speaking as woman if I want nothing to do with you… If I hate you with a passion your name cannot even be mentioned. If I dislike you there is no way on earth I ever want to see yore face because I just might kill you. That’s when you know you are done with someone, that’s 0%. 1% is let’s just say, you can’t cope with hearing a name close to theirs and you still get a twitch action in your neck. Mr. H take a good look… I looked at your other posts. You posted in how many sections… 4. Not one section, 4. That’s how invested you are in this woman who has only 1% of your attention. Not 2 or 3 but 4. You took the time to write into a forum to discuss your feelings, to find out what we think. You don’t waste that kind of energy on someone who has only 1% of your affection/attention. So I will advise you to start with being honest with yourself. This woman was rude to your wife. I don’t care what level of rudeness. She didn’t even restrain herself because being rude might raise an eyebrow. She was just rude. You don’t want to mess with that. I can be cold hearted but I’m not numb… I can’t sit across the table from a woman whose husband I’m f*cking. Even befriend her! That says it all. She’s gangsta! You don’t want that kind of woman in your life. (Unless you’re ready to loose it all) First be honest about your feelings for this woman. You faking a percentage will not help you move forward. First think about how much she has affected your life and then work on truly letting her out of your life. Make the choice to let her go. You can’t have them both. You either want your friend of 20 years or your wife who you married because you love her. You have to make the choice and stick to it. I have a friend who says “I'm a pretty good dog, but if you don't pet me every once in a while, it's hard to keep me under the porch.” Men use that reasoning a lot. If you want to be under the porch you have to do the work in your marriage. Work on your relationship with your wife. If you don’t want to work on your marriage and still eat apple pie, um… just buy yourself a bunny and a revolver. Many have already predicted your future. It’s up to you to prove us wrong.
Emme Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Yes of course i am not proud of what i did, and i will take 100% of the blame as i just should have said no from the begining but i didnt. I am working on my relationship with my wife and no this was the only A that i have ever been involved in. She befriended my wife w/o me knowing by calling her at work and sending text messages to her. By then it was too late. So by us communicating still that means the A is still ongoing no matter how little the commuination is? The only reason that i answer her texts is so she doesnt go bunny boiler on me, same reason why i am not mean to her when i see her. I just hate the f--king mind games.... I guess i made my bed now i have to sleep in it. If you don't have the strength to tell your wife, I understand. The thing is this woman is putting you in a corner and the only way for you to get out... is to come out swinging. Be direct and end it. Tell her don't call me or my wife again. If she continues to play games with your wife... YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR WIFE! It's only going to get worse. Buckle up your boot straps. You have work to do.
Lucky_One Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Didn't your wife think it was weird that 1) you had a friend for 20 years that she wasn't friend with and 2) that your friend of 20 years suddenly reached out to her? Didn't that raise your wife's suspicions even a little?
Author mr h Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Emme you are right on a couple of things, i dont have the strength to tell my wife and it's probably not 1% but thats what im trying to make my self believe. Yes my wife did become a tiny bit suspicious of the fiendship but she never said anything to me more then once. She just thought that it was weird that a girl with alot of friends would want to be friends with her also. Emme my question for you or anyone who can help me is if i just let her continue to break my chops will she get bored with it and find someone else to move onto or do you think she is stuck on me?
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Yes of course i am not proud of what i did, and i will take 100% of the blame as i just should have said no from the begining but i didnt. I am working on my relationship with my wife and no this was the only A that i have ever been involved in. She befriended my wife w/o me knowing by calling her at work and sending text messages to her. By then it was too late. So by us communicating still that means the A is still ongoing no matter how little the commuination is? The only reason that i answer her texts is so she doesnt go bunny boiler on me, same reason why i am not mean to her when i see her. I just hate the f--king mind games.... I guess i made my bed now i have to sleep in it. You owe the truth to your wife. IF the exOW goes bunny boiler on you, decides to f.cuk with you and screw you over, it's better for your wife to hear the truth from YOU rather than the exOW. On some level I'm sure your wife knows, but trusts you, doesn't think you'd cheat on her.. Let's put it this way, if your wife asks you "did you have an affair with blah blah (insert exOW's name), say yes and tell her the truth. Though I think if you don't tell you'll always have a fear that she'll find out through the exOW. Your guilt will eat you alive too.
Author mr h Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Im thinking for some reason the games maybe over, i just have that feeling inside of me. I have seen my exA partner a few times now in the past month or so just in passing. She hasnt texted or called me on over 2 weeks now and the last text she send my wife was over a week ago. Im hoping that she just got bored with the games and will stop. I can lie like Emme mentioned i did have feelings for this women and sometimes i feel like they are still there will that ever go away? And cant help but to think if she ever had feelings for me at all or was i just played.
RickFox Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Dude, you sound just like me. Look, two weeks and you haven't heard from her, that's nothing! I'm going on two months with not having heard a thing from my xMW. You can wonder all day long if she ever had feelings for you, you'll never know, you can ask her to her face and you'll get an answer but you won't know if it's the truth. Mine told me it wasn't a game, that I "knew the truth" but the fact is, I don't know, never will know and NO you're feelings won't go away...they might lessen, but they'll be there, especially if you don't get closure. Consider that you were played, you were a game and a challenge for her. She saw something she wanted, she got it, game over........ helps me deal with it a bit better each day.
Emme Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 if i just let her continue to break my chops will she get bored with it and find someone else to move onto or do you think she is stuck on me? Maybe, Maybe not! If you want to wait it out so you don't have to tell your wife, do that. If the situation because tense again, it's in your best interest to spill the beans before she does. Just be prepared if that day ever comes.
Author mr h Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Rick whats was the longest you went w/o hearing from your A partner? Like Emme told me im trying to be completely honest on here to get some help. I find myself checking the phone numerous times a day to see if she called knowing full well that she didnt. Then when she finally does call or text its like the world is good again. Im not sure if this matters or not be the A ended in the spring but she has still contacted me through out the summer and now fall on a bi-weekly basis. My thought here is just to let things be and not stir the pot to much and try and keep things as normal as possible if that makes any sence. And Emme you are right its at least 30% if not a little more. Just seems like this girl is keeping me in limbo she doesnt want me to close and i dont think she wants me gone either. Emme maybe you can answer something for me during the A she threw out a couple of i love yous in there and then she tried to play it off as if it were a joke do you believe that? But i am doing better at home w/my wife but its still hard when i think about this other women. If she wanted nothing to do with me why does she still contact me for???
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