stillhurt Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 My ex sent me a text 1 week ago, which I did not respond to and today he sends me a random email about a camera he purchased for me. It was his X-mas gift to me last year. Anyway, it was for a beginner's session. But, he knows that I took a semester after we broke up and am way past this intro class. I am seriously getting annoyed. He chose to be with someone over me more than once and I have done nothing but humiliate myself each time he reached out in the past. I just want my self-respect back. I am so sick and tired of feeling 2nd best, of wishing that I had been stronger when he reached out, of hoping that things were still the same, and regretting that I didn't just tell him to go to hell each time he hurt me. My question is, what did I do wrong, but love him unconditionally in the past, to make him think he can take advantage of me this way? What did I do to make him lose the respect that he should have for me. I don't see myself as a weak woman. I thought that I set strong boundaries during our relationship (which is why we broke up, because I didn't give in to his demands) but I will admit that boundaries were broken after we broke up. Was that what did it? Boundaries that I thought I would never break. Is that why he thinks he can continue to send me lame emails to see if he still has me as a back up? Because I let him in when I was vulnerable and hurting? Where did his respect go? I know he respected me in a lot of ways up to the day we broke up and even after. So, where did it go that he thinks he can continue to use me and abuse me emotionally? I just want to make sure I don't let it happen again with my next relationship.
Kageytn Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Honestly, maybe it's him and not you. He's testing you. It's like throwing a stick at an electric fence to see if maybe, one time, the electricity is turned off and he can get through. I never set boundaries and was emotionally abused the whole relationship so my theory might be off. I just know my ex is constantly circling and testing my walls trying to get through and gain control of me again.
wilsonx Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Yup I posted a few days ago about my psychotic ex stalking me on a dating website and sending me pictures of another girl. I wrote out seriously 22 different emails and I almost sent one drunkingly but I never hit the send button. I realize that she was just doing that, testing the fence for the holes. If I would have responded and broken NC even for such a psychotic thing she did, she would have gotten what she wanted, attention from me. Want to keep your respect dont respond ever
Author stillhurt Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Sigh, should I even send a reply saying just a thanks and nothing else? I hate that he can do this!
geegirl Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 (edited) Sigh, should I even send a reply saying just a thanks and nothing else? I hate that he can do this! No. You hate that he can do this to you, then don't reply. You think he cared about your feelings when he treated you so badly? No. He didn't give two s**** about you. Now, you want to do the polite thing, and consider his feelings by acknowledging a lame effort on his part to see if he can open the door again. No. He does not deserve anything from you. Don't you see that? You know what responding will tell him. "I treat her so badly and she still responds to me." And probably snicker after that. Showing him you have self respect is making him sit there and wonder where the old Still has gone. Hey, normally she responds and gives in to me, why isn't she doing it to me now. Don't give him the old Still. Show him the new Still. Acknowledging his text, in his eyes is you still keeping him existing in your life. Enough is enough. What happens when you say thanks and he comes back with a "how are you doing?" Then what? You're then going to wonder how to respond, should I respond, why not to respond. Step away and detach and realize you want nothing to do with him anymore. Edited October 4, 2011 by geegirl
2sure Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 If you cant help yourself from letting him play mind games with you...Burn the Bridge to save yourself from yourself. Tell him you realize that you should have moved on long ago and that you are unhappy with yourself about the way you let him treat you. Tell him that in hindsight you cant believe you put up with it and that you would prefer to forget he exists. You dont have to mean it today. But you will soon.
Author stillhurt Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 I like 2sure's idea, but I don't even want to give him the satisfaction of responding. It was a lame attempt by him. No apologies ...nothing! I hate his good guy act. It's like he is saying, "look, I care, I really do, but I just don't want you, but will use you if you let me."
2sure Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Absolutely agree that not responding to him is the best thing for you to do. However, sometimes we get in our own way in a moment of weakness or just by accident...and then regret it. For me, if I that sometimes...I just gotta burn the bridge. Its harsh. It works. And Ive never regretted it.
geegirl Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I like 2sure's idea, but I don't even want to give him the satisfaction of responding. It was a lame attempt by him. No apologies ...nothing! I hate his good guy act. It's like he is saying, "look, I care, I really do, but I just don't want you, but will use you if you let me." And I believe he will respond and that will again keep you entangled as you won't be able to stop yourself if he says something that pokes at you. And you will again be giving him the satisfaction of engaging in his BS. "look, I care, I really do, but I just don't want you, but will use you if you let me." -- If you still feel the need to respond to someone like this and you know his motives, then you have your answer. Keep reading what you wrote. And trust me, he cares for all the wrong reasons.
Author stillhurt Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 I still feel like crying. NC is helping, but this crap from him is not.
geegirl Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I still feel like crying. NC is helping, but this crap from him is not. Then cry, Still. It's a release. He will keep throwing out the bait because you taught him once before that he can rope you in at any time. So, he will keep doing this. Someone who cares for you will leave you alone. Someone who wants to bust your boundaries to get what they want, will most likely keep coming back to see if you will bite. But at some point he will get the idea. If you respond, that will tell him that you will always open the door, no matter how small the crack is. You know his motives, cry and get angry that he is treating you this way. Do what you need to do, but don't react. When you react without thinking about consequences, it will most likely be detrimental to you and not him.
Author stillhurt Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 This last time was me reaching out. He hasn't reached out in over 4 months. So, I don't know why he is all of a sudden reaching out once a week now. With no reply from me too! I hope he does not contact me again.
geegirl Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 This last time was me reaching out. He hasn't reached out in over 4 months. So, I don't know why he is all of a sudden reaching out once a week now. With no reply from me too! I hope he does not contact me again. He is reaching out because you've stopped. Because he's bored. Because he wants to see if he can get sex from you. Because he's baiting you to open the door again. Because he wants to show play on your heartstrings. He will try and try until you break because he knows how emotional you are about him. He is banking on breaking you down till you answer. Remember, this man, while having a girlfriend, slept with you and told you he just wanted sex from you and that he wanted to move on. If he's that manipulative, trust that he will play these games to manipulate his way back into your life. I hope he does not contact you again. I know it grates on you, especially when you are struggling with NC, but know that any type of communication only benefits him. It will never benefit you.
shalisha42 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Hi! You didn't do anything "wrong" in the sense you're probably thinking. He was a creep to begin with. Anyone who takes advantage of another's vulnerability is already a creep. You acted based on integrity and from a loving place. He didn't deserve it and he knew he didn't - so he continued to behave like a jerk! You can't "win" his respect because he doesn't have any for himself or anyone else. Here's what to do: 1. Do not contact him - for any reason 2. Do not answer any emails, texts, phone calls - at all 3. Do not go anywhere near him 4. Ignore him completely 5. Grieve the loss of your relationship and know that this man does not care for you at all 6. Start going out with your friends just to have fun 7. Be nice to yourself - take bubble baths, buy yourself nice clothes, get your hair done 8. Lastly, forgive yourself for making the mistake of taking him back. Never talk to him again in this lifetime - got it? Let me know how it goes for you.
immitable Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I think you know the answer, you learned to be a strong woman like you wrote. I think you have the power now and I am pretty sure that he can't hurt you anymore. What happened in the past is that you let him treat you this way, because you loved him. It is going to be a tough relisation for him when he realises that you are not there for him anymore.
Author stillhurt Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 I did it! I maintained NC! It's the 1st time ever that I never responded to him when he reached out. Thank you for all your help guys! I just kept on coming on here and reading your replies. Let's just hope I can maintain it this time. These days, I am unsure of what I am capable of anymore.
Mack05 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I did it! I maintained NC! It's the 1st time ever that I never responded to him when he reached out. Thank you for all your help guys! I just kept on coming on here and reading your replies. Let's just hope I can maintain it this time. These days, I am unsure of what I am capable of anymore. I wish more girls would bust these types of guys! Guys like this have an arrogance and cockyness that is just not appealing. I would love if you got in contact with his current girlfriend and set this guy up royally. Sadly he is going to do to her what he has done to you. This guy needs a harsh life lesson. It will eventually happen. He will get to arrogant and leave a trail. It just hope it happens sooner rather then later! Good job on NC!
Author stillhurt Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Well, it's really not my place to do that. Unfortunately, she will learn what kind of guy he really is and I am sure she's stronger than me since it was my first relationship. I made it harder for myself because I thought he really cared for me, but he is the kind of guy that will always put his needs and wants over everybody else
Author stillhurt Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 The thing that will always bother me is that he claims he's never gone so far before. Like I am the one that caused him to cheat because I was available. If that's really true, then I really feel like a sack of crap for doing that. I still feel horrible everyday about it.
geegirl Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 The thing that will always bother me is that he claims he's never gone so far before. Like I am the one that caused him to cheat because I was available. If that's really true, then I really feel like a sack of crap for doing that. I still feel horrible everyday about it. Haha! No one causes anyone to cheat. Clearly, placing accountability for his actions on you. In his stupid head, that absolves him of all guilt. People cheat because they want to. They have nothing holding them back. You didn't hold a gun to his head or a knife to this throat. What? He forgot how to say no? He and his little friend were looking to do it.
Author stillhurt Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Well, he said that no one ever wanted to be with him as much as I did. That the temptation is always there in the back of his mind because he knew I still wanted to be with him. I don't think he realizes that right now I don't even want that part anymore since I know he doesn't feel the same emotionally. I hate that he kept saying that it was only sex when he knew it wasn't the case for me. Empty sex with a cheat? No thank you. This is what started my thread. How can he even say these things to me after being with me for 2 years, knowing the person I am? What the hell is wrong with him?
geegirl Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Well, he said that no one ever wanted to be with him as much as I did. That the temptation is always there in the back of his mind because he knew I still wanted to be with him. I don't think he realizes that right now I don't even want that part anymore since I know he doesn't feel the same emotionally. I hate that he kept saying that it was only sex when he knew it wasn't the case for me. Empty sex with a cheat? No thank you. This is what started my thread. How can he even say these things to me after being with me for 2 years, knowing the person I am? What the hell is wrong with him? The fact that he openly states that he will cheat if he is easily tempted tells you what kind of man he is. I feel sorry for his current girlfriend. My ex, when we were fighting after we broke up made this comment, "Gee, even if you had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend, we would still have sex together." I said to him, "We? You're able to cheat while proclaiming to love someone. I on the other hand, will never, ever be you." How you think and how they think is very different. Their emotional capacity is not the same as ours. They don't have the same level of integrity, honesty and loyalty as we do. Comparing apples to oranges.
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