antz2411 Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 (edited) I was ready to go to bed when I noticed I had the movie 500 days of summer on my movie player. Funny enough I only watched this movie to see something beautiful get destroyed ( the main character lose the girl.) After I finished the movie I realized a few things. I realized I have been putting ALL the importance on the girl. Lately I have been feeling weird. Every time I would think of a girl I wanted to be with, I always felt like something was missing, like I was giving up something. Then i realized that I had been putting so much importance on the girl that is was taking things away from me. Thus in turn giving up all my power I have. So when ever I have felt like this, which has been all the time, girls can sense this and run like hell. A friend of mine told me that you don’t find a gf. It just happens. Nothing in this world could be more true. I put so much importance on the girl I wanted so badly, it took away the focus of things I wanted to do. I felt like I have been trying so hard to get someone, anyone, that it has blocked the person that I really am. I realize now that you don’t do anything for anyone. You do it for yourself. You do it because you want to. After all this went down, i sat there, in my bed. Speechless, All that came out of my mouth was the words, WOW. I never have seen the world in this way. Now every time I get that eyrie feeling. I will know it doesn’t matter, I don’t need her. Truth be told, the only person I need is me. everybody in a relationship needs to know that both parties NEED a life outside of their relationship in order for it to be healthy. Edited October 4, 2011 by antz2411
Kageytn Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I'm trying to learn that also. I have to concentrate on me and realize everything else will fall into place. I can't spend time hiding out in a relationship concentrating on making that person love me and value me. I need to concentrate on loving and valuing me. I really needed to read this post. My ex has been calling and texting and he is starting up his cycle again to reel me. I was close to responding tonight. Nope. Not any more. Thank you!
Thieves Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 F*cking love that movie. It's probably in my top 10, and it's strange, I was just thinking of watching it again... for the 20th time. One of my favorite parts is where Tom, the main character, finally decides to focus on himself as far as his job and career. He stops dwelling on all the bad that happened, he starts picking himself up and tires making a name for himself as an architect. I can really relate to that right now in my life. I've dwelled long enough in being sad about 'him' and I'm now ready to start picking myself up and start moving on for good. It doesn't mean I won't still have feelings for 'him', but I have to do what's best for me now. I have to focus on what will make me happy in my own life, not just worry about whether he thinks I'm good enough or not.
Author antz2411 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 (edited) I'm trying to learn that also. I have to concentrate on me and realize everything else will fall into place. I can't spend time hiding out in a relationship concentrating on making that person love me and value me. I need to concentrate on loving and valuing me. I really needed to read this post. My ex has been calling and texting and he is starting up his cycle again to reel me. I was close to responding tonight. Nope. Not any more. Thank you! im not saying you should not compromise yourself, but a relationship is a two way street, were you compromise the other party should also compromise.. compromising devalues your principles but if its being reciprocated its ok because "negative x negative = postive" and "negative x postive=negative" and if you think of it that way nothing could ever be more true. relationships are always a two way street. you know what though there is nothing wrong if you break NC with your ex.. but only and only if you WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.. other than that you will always feel like you are starting the cycle all over again. i used to think that NC is for moving on and doing stuff for your self but now i know and feel by going "no contact", you're letting your EX interfere with your life. No contact is for the weak minded who do not have the self control to be level headed around the person they used to be with. No contact: basically where you drop all contact with a person who just broke up with you, including deleting their contact details, avoiding seeing them etc. Moral of the story: don't give a person special treatment just because they broke up with you. That's basically what "no contact" does. You've broken up, fine if you want to ignore her, just don't let ignoring her control what you do. now i know i went no contact with my ex for one month and she came back crawling but i did the NC sh iit to take control of my life and my life only. i didn't do it to manipulate the situation. if you do things for yourself and only you things will fall into place with no effort in your part. Edited October 4, 2011 by antz2411
Thieves Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 i used to think that NC is for moving on and doing stuff for your self but now i know and feel by going "no contact", you're letting your EX interfere with your life. No contact is for the weak minded who do not have the self control to be level headed around the person they used to be with. No contact: basically where you drop all contact with a person who just broke up with you, including deleting their contact details, avoiding seeing them etc. Okay, I usually agree with your posts but I totally disagree with this one right here. NC is for moving on - if you do it RIGHT. If you're using it to manipulate the ex into crawling back, then yeah, nc is not for moving on. What else are we dumpees supposed to do? Sit around while the dumpers talk about their new lovers while we get more and more hurt? Self-control is knowing when to walk away. How is it weak? NC is to gain BACK your self-control and clear your head. You can't do that when you're still attached to the thing that's hurting you. How can a drunk truly become sober again if he's always surrounded by alcohol and alcoholics? He can't really. So he goes cold turkey and avoids alcohol for a while. It doesn't mean he's being weak, he's being strong enough to walk away from his addiction because it's what's best for him. Love is the same way...
Kageytn Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I don't want him back. We were a trainwreck and he's not going to change. My no contact is for me. I've been talking to him to delay the inevitable messy, huge ****storm he's going to start when he realizes he lost control of me. I am strong enough to deal with it now. Mentally, I'm in a much better place. I can see him clearly. I also have a great support system. I am worried I'll get sucked back in-it's happened in the past-but this time it's over. I'm exhausted with him. NC really helps me to clear my mind and see his behavior clearly. It hurts and it requires self control but I need it for me.
Author antz2411 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Okay, I usually agree with your posts but I totally disagree with this one right here. NC is for moving on - if you do it RIGHT. If you're using it to manipulate the ex into crawling back, then yeah, nc is not for moving on. What else are we dumpees supposed to do? Sit around while the dumpers talk about their new lovers while we get more and more hurt? Self-control is knowing when to walk away. How is it weak? NC is to gain BACK your self-control and clear your head. You can't do that when you're still attached to the thing that's hurting you. How can a drunk truly become sober again if he's always surrounded by alcohol and alcoholics? He can't really. So he goes cold turkey and avoids alcohol for a while. It doesn't mean he's being weak, he's being strong enough to walk away from his addiction because it's what's best for him. Love is the same way... im not saying NC is wrong either but like you said if - YOU DO IT RIGHT - the thing is i see everybody on here posting threads about no contact with an "AGENDA" and when you do that you are using NC to manipulate whatever situation it is you are trying to manipulate. thats why everybody feels like when they break it its like they are starting all over again. i was dumped to but i went NC not to get my girl back but to get myself back because i lost my self in my relationship. i promised myself before i ever want this girl who walked out on me im going to get myself back first. when i say its weak its weak when people use it for the wrong reasons and usually weak minded people are using NC for the wrong reasons. yeah, they will say im using it to move on and do things for myself? now do you really believe that? i dont think so because from what i see most people use NC to manipulate and by doing that theres no point because by ignoring the person they are ignoring they are still giving them control and they are giving them control because during NC they still let this person control what they do... but waiting around, looking at their phone for a text or missed call, checking their inbox for an e mail reply, talking to their exes freinds, most important -HOPE-.. what these people need to realize is.. in the situation their in.. im sorry.. hope is good most of the time.. but not all the time.. HOPE can give you new life but HOPE really does kill and it really does kill in a break up when their partner no longer wants it and they do. can you honestly tell me that people who go no contact doesnt have this agenda going for themselves?
Author antz2411 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 I don't want him back. We were a trainwreck and he's not going to change. My no contact is for me. I've been talking to him to delay the inevitable messy, huge ****storm he's going to start when he realizes he lost control of me. I am strong enough to deal with it now. Mentally, I'm in a much better place. I can see him clearly. I also have a great support system. I am worried I'll get sucked back in-it's happened in the past-but this time it's over. I'm exhausted with him. NC really helps me to clear my mind and see his behavior clearly. It hurts and it requires self control but I need it for me. its good to hear you are doing NC for your own well being with no agenda whatsoever. but you know its ok to brake it only for YOUR OWN REASONS AND YOUR REASONS ONLY THAT WILL BENEFIT YOU! its actually time for you to be selfish and sometimes selfish is what needs to be done to get your self worth back. in the end its all about self preservation without it you're just another dead man/woman walking.
Sugarkane Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I disagree with you Antz. Going full NC was the right thing to do for me. I don't want to be an ego boost for my ex. My ex dumped me by text, out of the blue after a year. He was completely hostile and verbally abusive. He blamed the WHOLE BREAKUP on me. Thats alot to take out of the blue. My ex had to blame everything on me so he didn't feel any guilt about what he did. My ex is an assclown and what he did was down right cruel. I'm happy I did NC and will never let this happen to me again with this pr***.
Sugarkane Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Why would you want to be "friends" with someone like that?
radiodarcy Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 (edited) im not saying NC is wrong either but like you said if - YOU DO IT RIGHT - the thing is i see everybody on here posting threads about no contact with an "AGENDA" and when you do that you are using NC to manipulate whatever situation it is you are trying to manipulate. thats why everybody feels like when they break it its like they are starting all over again. i was dumped to but i went NC not to get my girl back but to get myself back because i lost my self in my relationship. i promised myself before i ever want this girl who walked out on me im going to get myself back first. when i say its weak its weak when people use it for the wrong reasons and usually weak minded people are using NC for the wrong reasons. yeah, they will say im using it to move on and do things for myself? now do you really believe that? i dont think so because from what i see most people use NC to manipulate and by doing that theres no point because by ignoring the person they are ignoring they are still giving them control and they are giving them control because during NC they still let this person control what they do... but waiting around, looking at their phone for a text or missed call, checking their inbox for an e mail reply, talking to their exes freinds, most important -HOPE-.. what these people need to realize is.. in the situation their in.. im sorry.. hope is good most of the time.. but not all the time.. HOPE can give you new life but HOPE really does kill and it really does kill in a break up when their partner no longer wants it and they do. can you honestly tell me that people who go no contact doesnt have this agenda going for themselves? i'm confused. based on what you're saying above, a person who decides to go NC is damned if they do and damned if they don't. yes there is such a thing as doing NC for wrong the wrong reasons versus doing NC for the right reasons. however, the only way to begin letting go of an ex is by letting go of - - as you said it - - the hope. but how else are you supposed to get rid of that hope other than going NC? yes there are people who use NC as a tool to get their ex back. and that's their decision. and they're the ones who will have to live with the consequences of what they put themselves through. for me personally, i had done enough begging, crying, and grovelling that i seriously needed to pull myself together and cut all contact with him. otherwise i never would have been able to move on. in my case maintaining contact for the case of whatever crumbs he threw my way was my weakness. had i stayed in contact with him i only would have ground what was left into of my dignity and self-respect into smithereens. but now, after 7 months of NC, i feel as though my self- esteem is stronger than it's ever been. there's no way i could have gotten to that point without having done NC. Edited October 4, 2011 by radiodarcy
Bruised Not Broken Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I think Antz is saying...correct me if I'm wrong....that it seems that many people go NC in order to make their ex miss them....regret their loss....etc. I know I kinda did. But if you do NC for the RIGHT reason...to actually be in NC for yourself....to heal....to move on...then it's a good thing. Doing it to manipulate the situation is wrong on every level. It's not effective it causes more damage and it still allows the ex control over you, whether you feel like you have control or not. Doing it for YOU is the right reason...and only then do you have control.
melenkurion Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 The wonderful thing, however, is that you can start off going NC for the wrong reasons. What happens is that as the drug is withdrawn, your mind starts to clear. With that clarity you end up continuing with NC for the right reasons.
Author antz2411 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 but how else are you supposed to get rid of that hope other than going NC? by recognizing how much you are worth as a person and once u you do you'll find that nc or if you are in limited contact would not make much difference. their actions wont control you therefore would not affect anything you do. and that is what i mean by dont let ignoring them control you!
betterdeal Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Welcome to Level 2 of self-realisation! It really was an epiphany when I had that similar thought. When my brother said to me, "You've got to stop thinking am I good enough for them and start thinking, are they good enough for me" that was the trigger for me. The best relationships are a mutual exchange for mutual benefit. Regards NC, I prefer to call it losing contact because it describes it as a process, a step in your personal journey in life, rather than as a tool or mechanism to deal with the other person. Just like everything in life, there are good and bad reasons to lose contact. If you have split with someone, losing contact is a natural extension of that. We're just living in times when technology and business are thrusting contact on us. We're encouraged to contact people all the time and not for our own benefit. If you get to know that person again at a later date, it will be much easier to shape a new relationship - be that a friendship or a romantic one - once you have found your own two feet and have had a significant period without interacting with each other. And that is just a maybe that might happen just as you might bump into your next lover when you walk around the next corner tomorrow.
reimeivn Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 what about, every single time he is there, or i see something about him, it hurts me. so i stop. everything about him. so that i dont get hurt anymore.
Author antz2411 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 what about, every single time he is there, or i see something about him, it hurts me. so i stop. everything about him. so that i dont get hurt anymore. why is he there every single time? why do you put yourself in a situtation where you do see something about him? all this can be stopped completely if you want to move on but maybe you choose hang on to a little bit of hope for something good to happen between you and the dood i dont know
PelicanPete Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 A friend of mine told me that you don’t find a gf. It just happens. Nothing in this world could be more true. I put so much importance on the girl I wanted so badly, it took away the focus of things I wanted to do. I felt like I have been trying so hard to get someone, anyone, that it has blocked the person that I really am. I realize now that you don’t do anything for anyone. You do it for yourself. You do it because you want to. I agree with this. That's what relationships have always been about, but we lose track of those common guidelines for the rewards of romance. Think about forming friendships. The most genuine and pleasant friendships are the ones that feel effortless simply because you are true to yourself with that other person. It takes no effort to be yourself, and you became friends simply because you connected. It wasn't a goal to achieve, or a purpose of life to fulfill, it just happened. I don't NC as a principle for people with weak minds, I see it more as a way to jog your perceptions. A friend of mine when I was growing up use to live on a farm, and I remember how bad it smelled the first time I went over to his house to hang out. As we became closer friends though, and as I spent more and more time at that farm, I no longer noticed that horrible smell. Sometimes I'd come home and my mom would comment on how I had a different smell to me after playing on that farm, but I didn't know what she was talking about because I had gotten use to it. Anyway, we eventually grew apart as friends from him going to a different school, but after a couple years we reconnected and he invited me over to hang out like old times. But after not being at his farm for so long, the first thing I noticed was that bad smell in the air. NC is a good way to just take a step back and shifts your thoughts into neutral. Otherwise it's really easy to just build up perceptions that may or may not be true.
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