StoneCold Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 It actually sounds like you have a very limited or let's say rudimentary understanding of basic human behavior, or more likely are simply pretending to lack such an understanding for the sake of arguing. The reason that isolation of the cheater from the affair partner is recommended is a stimulus/response issue. People actions aren't motivated completely or even primarily by an abstract thought process--although you may want to believe so as part of your rationalization process. If I want to try to go on a diet I don't keep cookies and ice cream around the house. It provides an unwanted stimulus. If you don't understand this, then you've got a giant blind spot. No I just look at things at a higher level.... If you hope for your diet to be sucessful and sustainable you have to learn to deal with being around cookies and ice cream...because unless you live your life in a GNC store...tis going to happen. Otherwise your diet is simply on borrowed time...and so is your marriage
ladydesigner Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Why dont you tell me what my "agenda" is (as you understand it AND as it pertains to this thread) 1) I'm not arguing with anyone...Just sharing my opinion 2) I have "been there done that" experience too reboot. On both sides of the fence if I may add. Oh wait...you thought I was only a WS, having never been a BS? Well its understandable as I never shared my entire life story here. But yes...I have been a BS before (couple times actually) so I probably understand the BS mindset a lot better than you may like to think. As I said...this is just my opinion....if you dont like it then you are free to ignore it but if my opinion can help even just one person then I would say its worth it...wether I tow party lines or not Sorry for T/J I had no idea you were a BS too, SC. Interesting. To the original OP. I agree with WWIU. I think it would be hard for the WS to be around the AP. Definitely makes it more likely for the A to continue. But there are WS's that are able to work with their XAP's and have no desire to continue the A. Some AP's are neighbors and people still have to go on with their lives living next to them. Your W does have to go NC that is a necessity.
xxoo Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 No I just look at things at a higher level.... If you hope for your diet to be sucessful and sustainable you have to learn to deal with being around cookies and ice cream...because unless you live your life in a GNC store...tis going to happen. Otherwise your diet is simply on borrowed time...and so is your marriage That's not higher level. That thinking is just as black and white as the opposing point of view. Removing the "temptation" is helpful for many people in the short term, until they are strong enough to face the temptation, or until the temptation loses its appeal. Our feelings about the temptation do not remain fixed, and can fade as strength builds. Sometimes, indulging in the temptation itself can undermine strength, resulting in a negative cycle of weakness. As true with diets as it is with affairs.
RiverRunning Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 StoneCold, I think you are looking at this as "She can have an affair with anyone, anywhere," which is true, but in this case, she's having an emotional affair with one particular man. If she can demonstrate that she's willing to put that behind her, I think there is hope here. Maybe I'm limited in my feeling that an emotional affair is not quite as crippling as an affair that encompasses both the physical and emotional aspects, but I think that there's a chance that this can turn around. First and foremost, a frank discussion is warranted. Did OP's wife actually confess to the EA or is it just his suspicion? He mentioned that he 'discovered' it but it doesn't seem that she knows about this. I think it's time to find a day when the kids are gone and she's at home. You both mellow out and then you ask candidly, "Are you happy with our marriage?" See what she says. However, if you DON'T have any tangible evidence of an EA (like texts or e-mails), it's going to be very difficult to confront her. Because she will almost certainly deny the affair. If you have the evidence, bring it with you and explain that you know her relationship with the other man has crossed the line. After that, you can let her know that you would like to discuss how you're going to handle the situation at a later time. You need to outright ask her to quit the job and break all contact with the guy. She can bartend elsewhere, but she needs to avoid getting close to another man like that again. Couples' counseling is also probably in order to get back on the road.
CocoaBrown Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Should have known better than to put all your happiness ina woman. They are fickle creatures. Just like all men are lying cheating bastards right??!
StoneCold Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 StoneCold, I think you are looking at this as "She can have an affair with anyone, anywhere," which is true, but in this case, she's having an emotional affair with one particular man. If she can demonstrate that she's willing to put that behind her, I think there is hope here. . Fair enough...but in my opinion quitting her job at the bar isnt necessarily a demonstration of this...because she could always see/connect with him somewhere else....and likely will if shes not over the guy. If shes so into him that she assumes the risk of an EA....simply taking her out of the "crime scene" wont do it in and of itself. Both the WS and BS has to want to fix things in order for there to be success...as far as the WS goes, if they want to fix things bad enough it wouldnt even matter if they see the AP everyday
listen777 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Lots of word usage in your original post as to how you are showing your love for her. But I have to ask.......is this "how" she wants you to love her? You should read the 5 Languages of Love. But then again, if you loved her for who she was, you would of already read this book since you wanted to love her the best way possible. You are loving her with acts of devotion. Personal acts, that you do for her, that is your way of showing part of your love. Are you 100% sure this is what she wants? What if there was another part on how she wanted to be loved, and in fact this guy at the bar fit the role? If your love for her is genuine and it sounds like it is, then her need to test the grass, to be herself, or to complete her life should be something you can deal with, after all your love is all encompassing right? To me, it sounds like her affair is an escape affair. Not an exit affair. She has a deep inner compass that allows her to do this, and she may in fact feel like it really should not be up to one person ( you ) to satisfy all of her needs. IMO, she is crying because she wishes you would ( or could ) understand this part about her. Know in your heart that it is just something she had to do and she is hoping you can accept it and help the two of you move on.
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