BrokenSoul4Me Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 My beautiful wife of 10 years (our anniversary is October 14th), has been having an affair for the past 4 months. I found out around August 31st. I love my wife more than life itself. We have two beautiful children, a boy who is 9 and a girl who is 12. I don't know what to do. She is a bartender and the guy she had the emotional affiar with still comes up. She can't keep him from coming up, but she could quit her job to avoid him completely, but she wouldn't do that. I don't know what to do. I don't think she loves me anymore. It's like my soul has been ripped from me. I try to keep it together in front of the kids. Somebody please help me. I can't imagine life without my family being a family. I have spent 1/3 of my life with her and I don't think I could live without her. I am a disabled veteran (so I have plenty of income), but she still works. I have devoted my entire marriage to taking care of her. Cleaning the house, doing the laundry, getting the kids ready for school and bed, helping with homework, and anything else you can imagine. She doesn't have to do anything but work and come home, I do everything else. I don't do it because I have to, I do it because I want to, because I need to. I have lived every breath of the past 11 years for my family and their happiness, but now, I don't have a desire to breathe anymore. I want to lay down to sleep and never wake up. The worse part is, is if I feel like this at the thought of loosing her, what will happen to me if I do lose her? 2 nights ago, we made love for the first time in 3 weeks. When we were finished, she pulled me to her and cried for 30 minutes. She never said a word and wouldn't tell me why she was crying. She still wont. I think that she may feel like she betrayed the person she was having the affair with? I don't know. She tells me that she loves me, but it looks like it comes from the brain and not the heart. I haven't stopped crying for 2 days. I haven't eaten or slept in 2 days. I am at the end of my rope. Somebody help me please. Tell me it's going to be okay. Something. anything.
Mcnulty Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Feel for you. Must be hard. But looking at it from now...you say it was only an emotional affair, so guessing she never slept with him. She is showing remorse it seems. Can you not talk to her about quitting the bar job? You have a lot going for you, it's over. Where she works, there are going to be guys who've had a drink chatting to her. If this is the release she gets, by going to work and having her own life, fair enough, but she could find a new job doing something else surely? Talk to her, tell her how you're feeling and plan from there. it takes a big person to forgive infidelity, that is commendable, there's a lot to save, your life together, your children...work at it and I hope it works out for you. Good luck.
Outdoorbum Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 My guess is she is crying out of guilt, but I'm not sure. I went thru the same scenario with a girl (she cried during sex before I knew) so looking back I assumed she just felt bad but I don't know. Right now you need be there for your kids and ensure this doesn't get ugly in front of them. Then you need to determine what your course of action is with her. If you can't ever trust her again then its time to say goodbye. You're initial inclination will be to forgive and forget, have her come running to you and shun her lover forever, and begin the healing process between the two of you. In my experience, this is a VERY long road and the odds are against you.
StoneCold Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 What is it that will be achieved if she quits her job?
Mcnulty Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Because that was the scene of the "crime" and also, drunken guys, woman behind the bar....come on!
StoneCold Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Because that was the scene of the "crime" and also, drunken guys, woman behind the bar....come on! To stay in keeping with your "crime scene" referrence.... If you take the "criminal" away from the "crime scene"...do they cease being a "criminal"?
Richard Friedman Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 My beautiful wife of 10 years (our anniversary is October 14th), has been having an affair for the past 4 months. I found out around August 31st. I love my wife more than life itself. We have two beautiful children, a boy who is 9 and a girl who is 12. I don't know what to do. She is a bartender and the guy she had the emotional affiar with still comes up. She can't keep him from coming up, but she could quit her job to avoid him completely, but she wouldn't do that. I don't know what to do. I don't think she loves me anymore. It's like my soul has been ripped from me. I try to keep it together in front of the kids. Somebody please help me. I can't imagine life without my family being a family. I have spent 1/3 of my life with her and I don't think I could live without her. I am a disabled veteran (so I have plenty of income), but she still works. I have devoted my entire marriage to taking care of her. Cleaning the house, doing the laundry, getting the kids ready for school and bed, helping with homework, and anything else you can imagine. She doesn't have to do anything but work and come home, I do everything else. I don't do it because I have to, I do it because I want to, because I need to. I have lived every breath of the past 11 years for my family and their happiness, but now, I don't have a desire to breathe anymore. I want to lay down to sleep and never wake up. The worse part is, is if I feel like this at the thought of loosing her, what will happen to me if I do lose her? 2 nights ago, we made love for the first time in 3 weeks. When we were finished, she pulled me to her and cried for 30 minutes. She never said a word and wouldn't tell me why she was crying. She still wont. I think that she may feel like she betrayed the person she was having the affair with? I don't know. She tells me that she loves me, but it looks like it comes from the brain and not the heart. I haven't stopped crying for 2 days. I haven't eaten or slept in 2 days. I am at the end of my rope. Somebody help me please. Tell me it's going to be okay. Something. anything. Should have known better than to put all your happiness ina woman. They are fickle creatures.
Mcnulty Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Christ the last post...generic response, not all women are the same! Stone...would you rather your partner stayed working in a bar if she had started an emoptional affair with someone there? I think not.
nofool4u Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 (edited) I haven't stopped crying for 2 days. I haven't eaten or slept in 2 days. I am at the end of my rope. Somebody help me please. Tell me it's going to be okay. Something. anything. it will be ok, when you tell her to get out. I know that is probably the furthest thing from your mind, but if you stay with a woman like this, it will never be ok. there are good women out there, and you can find one and happiness. if you stay with her you will never be at peace. how can you love someone that would F you over in one of the worst ways possible? I have been in your shoes, and also slobbered all over my x-wife thinking, "I love her so much" and belching platitudes about how beautiful she was. boy was I a fool. things didn't turn around for me until I grew a pair and realized she is nothing like what I thought I married, and her character made her the most ugly person I have ever laid eyes on. so before you think I'm just knee-jerkingly telling you these things, I HAVE divorced her and life IS much better without an untrustworthy woman in it. Edited October 5, 2011 by nofool4u
nofool4u Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 What is it that will be achieved if she quits her job? IF for some reason they decide to reconcile, then she needs to not be around the OM on almost a daily basis, and never actually. as long as she is in a place of work where she sees him all the time, reconciliation, if they choose it, is not possible.
nofool4u Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 To stay in keeping with your "crime scene" referrence.... If you take the "criminal" away from the "crime scene"...do they cease being a "criminal"? and this I agree with, which is why I say never give a cheater a 2nd chance. but it depends on what they decide. if they decide to reconcile, she is still a cheater, she just will be making attempts to remove herself from situations that more easily invite the cheating.
nofool4u Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Stone...would you rather your partner stayed working in a bar if she had started an emoptional affair with someone there? I think not. Stone is a man who is happily cheating on his wife, so he is not going to be sympathetic to you as a betrayed husband.
StoneCold Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Stone...would you rather your partner stayed working in a bar if she had started an emoptional affair with someone there? I think not. That aspect of it wouldnt matter to me because if she can have an EA with a guy she met at a bar... she can have it with a guy she met at the library, supermarket, gas station....whatever Telling her to quit the bar is a focus on the wrong thing and a false sense of security
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 but she could quit her job to avoid him completely, but she wouldn't do that. The choice is hers. She quits her job, keeps you and the marriage, works ON the marriage and works on herself (marriage counselling with you and on her own). Or, she moves out and goes to the OM. She cannot have both! She's in a total fog right now. Those tears? Either that was pure sadness for what she's done to you, all the love, faith, trust you once had in her is gone by her own selfishness. I'm sure she feels just awful and guilty .. BUT, not enough to avoid this OM in every possible way. This is why she has to quit her job and go total no contact with him. Otherwise trying to fix your marriage is pointless. Her doing counselling on her own will help her grieve and deal with why she chose to cheat and betray you. Until she wakes up, realizes what she is going to lose, that the grass isn't greener, puts you and the kids first, things won't change. ALL the tears in the world mean NOTHING until she shows you action (not sex) that she's changed and working on herself, doing all that she can to prove to you she's worthy of your love, worthy of a chance to correct things. She turned your whole world upside, it's going to hurt for a while unfortunately, so I suggest you do counselling on your own too, to help you cope with all this. Focus on your kids, yourself, keep busy. Get active, join a gym, jog, anything to let physical energy out! It'll tire you out at night so you can sleep. Not saying to kick her out, but if she doesn't cut ALL contact off with this other guy, it's something to consider. She needs a wake up call, a taste of what she will lose if she doesn't do what you ask of her. Be an open book, access to her email, cell at anytime so you can check up on her. She lost the right to her privacy for a while because of her choice to cheat and take advantage of your kind heart. You don't deserve this, you seem like a great husband, father and a family man. Shame on your wife for doing this to you.
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 That aspect of it wouldnt matter to me because if she can have an EA with a guy she met at a bar... she can have it with a guy she met at the library, supermarket, gas station....whatever Telling her to quit the bar is a focus on the wrong thing and a false sense of security It gets her away from the guy she had the EA with. This is standard procedure, something that many BS's require their WS's do after cheating. Consquences..
StoneCold Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 It gets her away from the guy she had the EA with. This is standard procedure, something that many BS's require their WS's do after cheating. Consquences.. OK well whats the issue here? is it that she cheated period? or that she cheated with a guy at the bar?.....and.... 1) It doesnt get her away from the guy she had an EA with...unless of course he is chained to the bar and 2) Doesnt mean an EA...or a PA wont/cant happen again. I dont see the solution as "take the person out of the environment"...because all that says is you dont trust the person when they say they want to work things out.....and if you dont trust them ....should you be with them?
reboot Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 OK well whats the issue here? is it that she cheated period? or that she cheated with a guy at the bar?.....and.... 1) It doesnt get her away from the guy she had an EA with...unless of course he is chained to the bar and 2) Doesnt mean an EA...or a PA wont/cant happen again. I dont see the solution as "take the person out of the environment"...because all that says is you dont trust the person when they say they want to work things out.....and if you dont trust them ....should you be with them? Read her post again, pay particular attention to the last word of the post: Consequences
StoneCold Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Read her post again, pay particular attention to the last word of the post: Consequences Um ok... not much of a consequence.... but whatever floats the boat
reboot Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Um ok... not much of a consequence.... but whatever floats the boat Obviously what floats your boat is not helping people who are asking for help but merely pushing your own agenda. Your opinions are as valuable as those of anyone else, of course, but I don't see the point in arguing with people who have so much "been there done that" experience, particularly when your perspective on these situations is so very different from the typical perspective seen in this particular forum.
StoneCold Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 (edited) Obviously what floats your boat is not helping people who are asking for help but merely pushing your own agenda. . Why dont you tell me what my "agenda" is (as you understand it AND as it pertains to this thread) Your opinions are as valuable as those of anyone else, of course, but I don't see the point in arguing with people who have so much "been there done that" experience, particularly when your perspective on these situations is so very different from the typical perspective seen in this particular forum. 1) I'm not arguing with anyone...Just sharing my opinion 2) I have "been there done that" experience too reboot. On both sides of the fence if I may add. Oh wait...you thought I was only a WS, having never been a BS? Well its understandable as I never shared my entire life story here. But yes...I have been a BS before (couple times actually) so I probably understand the BS mindset a lot better than you may like to think. As I said...this is just my opinion....if you dont like it then you are free to ignore it but if my opinion can help even just one person then I would say its worth it...wether I tow party lines or not Edited October 6, 2011 by StoneCold
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 OK well whats the issue here? is it that she cheated period? or that she cheated with a guy at the bar?.....and.... 1) It doesnt get her away from the guy she had an EA with...unless of course he is chained to the bar The issue is she cheated. The issue is, she quits her job so she doesn't have to see that guy every day. The issue is, she can't be trusted.. Right now, especially WITH THAT particular guy. The one she connected with, allowed feelings to grow over time. The issue is, if she wants her marriage to work, to gain her husband's trust again, the deal is, she has to quit her job, work on herself, learn boundries, learn communication, learn to not cross lines with men when she has a ring on her finger. 2) Doesnt mean an EA...or a PA wont/cant happen again. I dont see the solution as "take the person out of the environment"...because all that says is you dont trust the person when they say they want to work things out.....and if you dont trust them ....should you be with them? You're right. She could cheat again, with the same guy or somebody else .. BUT, this should be a wake up call. Let's hope that her now having to deal with and face her husbands pain every day will let her know she royally fu,cked up. To know that she created this mess, to see him suffer, to see him cry, to see him hurt.. to know that all the faith and trust he once had in her, will make her see how selfish she was and to never let anybody come between her and her husband again. People deserve second chances if they are willing to work it out and do everything possible to save the marriage. People handle infidelity differently. Some are one strike and you're out, divorce immediately, some will give another chance because they feel their marriage is worth fighting for and believe they are strong enough to work through the pain of an affair and come out stronger. Have a more solid marriage. Anyway, I hope this helps you understand where I'm coming from and my train of thoughts on this.
nofool4u Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Why dont you tell me what my "agenda" is your quest to make sure BS's here know that you think they are at fault for being cheated on.
StoneCold Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 your quest to make sure BS's here know that you think they are at fault for being cheated on. It is?...well thats news to me.... So tell me how did I stay in keeping with my "agnda" by merely questioning the effectiveness of making a WS quit a job because they cheated?
reboot Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 You don't make them quit their job because they cheated. I'll give you this much, you honestly don't seem to understand.
StoneCold Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 You don't make them quit their job because they cheated. I'll give you this much, you honestly don't seem to understand. Beleive me reboot...I do... I just see things differently
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