someonesomewhere Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 (edited) I'm gonna try to keep this short and simple, and hopefully you all can give me some advice on what to do. I've been dating a guy for about a year. I've been very clear that I picture a future together with him, but for various reasons, he has always been reluctant to make a commitment (e.g., traumatic experience with his ex, STD-related health concerns, different living situations, etc. All negotiable and manageable issues, IMO, that we ought to and can deal with when they arise) But another complication that has come to the forefront recently involves a very close friend of his who used to (and possibly still does) have romantic feelings for him. He's always implied their closeness, but assured me that the relationship is platonic and not romantic or physical. But it turns out "my guy" has been hiding our relationship from the friend, because he thinks he'll take it personally. Apparently, the last time "my guy" fell into a relationship, his friend was very upset and reacted in a way that really uprooted "my guy"'s lifestyle. (There are a few fringe benefits to this friendship -- including lots of luxury, traveling, a very nice subsidized apartment to live in, etc). "My guy" claims he's simply not sure a romantic relationship is worth the risk of disrupting this arrangement, which he essentially described as "kind of an open relationship." As a sidenote, he and I have not had sex, supposedly because he fears transmitting his STD to me, and because it would lead to deeper intimacy between us that would necessitate roping his friend into the situation. Part of his reasoning is that, as things are now, he gets to enjoy the benefits of his friendship with this guy, and get the physical gratification of meaningless sex with strangers without emotional entanglements. (But that sex with me would not be meaningless, and WOULD be emotionally significant, which would then affect the relationship with the friend). Not really sure what to do here. He seems afraid to disrupt his situation, but it strikes me as very unhealthy. Sounds like, even taking me out of the picture for a second, he's eschewing true intimacy and life opportunities (a family, etc) for the comfort of what he has and the material perks (which seems pretty hollow, IMO, especially if his "friend" would be so vindictive and petty), and I worry he's going to regret that choice one day. The whole situation also makes the friend sound really insecure and controlling and possessive, also in a really unhealthy way, and I think "my guy" is just enabling his behavior by not standing up for himself. (And kind of taking advantage of the guy, frankly.) Anyway, this whole thing has made me suddenly very uncomfortable. I sense "my guy" is not really satisfied with his life the way it is now, but I do have feelings for him and want a relationship with him, so talking with him about all of this makes me feel a little like I just found out I'm the "Other Man" and like I'm trying to break up a marriage by telling him what I think about this whole situation and what I think would be better or healthier for him or make him happier. Any advice, please? Edited October 3, 2011 by someonesomewhere
MissBee Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I'm gonna try to keep this short and simple, and hopefully you all can give me some advice on what to do. I've been dating a guy for about a year. I've been very clear that I picture a future together with him, but for various reasons, he has always been reluctant to make a commitment (e.g., traumatic experience with his ex, STD-related health concerns, different living situations, etc. All negotiable and manageable issues, IMO, that we ought to and can deal with when they arise) But another complication that has come to the forefront recently involves a very close friend of his who used to (and possibly still does) have romantic feelings for him. He's always implied their closeness, but assured me that the relationship is platonic and not romantic or physical. But it turns out "my guy" has been hiding our relationship from the friend, because he thinks he'll take it personally. Apparently, the last time "my guy" fell into a relationship, his friend was very upset and reacted in a way that really uprooted "my guy"'s lifestyle. (There are a few fringe benefits to this friendship -- including lots of luxury, traveling, a very nice subsidized apartment to live in, etc). "My guy" claims he's simply not sure a romantic relationship is worth the risk of disrupting this arrangement, which he essentially described as "kind of an open relationship." As a sidenote, he and I have not had sex, supposedly because he fears transmitting his STD to me, and because it would lead to deeper intimacy between us that would necessitate roping his friend into the situation. Part of his reasoning is that, as things are now, he gets to enjoy the benefits of his friendship with this guy, and get the physical gratification of meaningless sex with strangers without emotional entanglements. (But that sex with me would not be meaningless, and WOULD be emotionally significant, which would then affect the relationship with the friend). Not really sure what to do here. He seems afraid to disrupt his situation, but it strikes me as very unhealthy. Sounds like, even taking me out of the picture for a second, he's eschewing true intimacy and life opportunities (a family, etc) for the comfort of what he has and the material perks (which seems pretty hollow, IMO, especially if his "friend" would be so vindictive and petty), and I worry he's going to regret that choice one day. The whole situation also makes the friend sound really insecure and controlling and possessive, also in a really unhealthy way, and I think "my guy" is just enabling his behavior by not standing up for himself. (And kind of taking advantage of the guy, frankly.) Anyway, this whole thing has made me suddenly very uncomfortable. I sense "my guy" is not really satisfied with his life the way it is now, but I do have feelings for him and want a relationship with him, so talking with him about all of this makes me feel a little like I just found out I'm the "Other Man" and like I'm trying to break up a marriage by telling him what I think about this whole situation and what I think would be better or healthier for him or make him happier. Any advice, please? Hi Someone, The underlined was my first impression of the guy and your situation. The issues you've put forth saying they're "not a big deal", are in fact a huge deal IMO and someone who has a lot on their plate, as much as you may like them, may not be good relationship material right now. It's a reality that too many ignore. Because you like someone, there is attraction and even compatibility, without the right circumstances, it matters not. Usually when the circumstances are not right and you continue to force the issue, you end up in drama. I think you should allow him to sort himself out. I do not believe you need to take on the role of fixing his life and convincing him to be with you. I have been in the position of codependency myself and have seen many people who take on the burden of a person not fit for a relationship, believing they can heal, change and influence them into becoming better and being a good bf, gf, husband, wife etc.....have yet to see it work. All I see is one step forward, 10 steps back, heartache and drama upon drama. Allow him to work on his life and consider for yourself if he is the BEST you can do that with all of his drama (STD included, which again IMO is not something flippant) it's worth sticking around.
Author someonesomewhere Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 Why are you not afraid of contracting his STD? We agree that we would be safe, and I'm satisfied enough with the science that the odds of actually contracting his STD can be reduced to virtually nil.
norajane Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Anyway, this whole thing has made me suddenly very uncomfortable. I sense "my guy" is not really satisfied with his life the way it is nowActually, he seems quite satisfied with the way his life is now, so satisfied in fact that he DOES NOT WANT TO CHANGE anything about it. YOU are unsatisfied with how his life is now, as it relates to your relationship. Therefore, YOU have to decide if you can live with it (since he has shown no desire to change anything) or not. he's eschewing true intimacy and life opportunities (a family, etc) for the comfort of what he has and the material perks Yes, that is the choice he is making. He seems comfortable with it. You are not. Perhaps you ought to reconsider whether it's a good idea to put your eggs in his basket since you already know what kind of life choices he is making and they are not the kind you want him to make.
spice4life Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I'm gonna try to keep this short and simple, and hopefully you all can give me some advice on what to do. I've been dating a guy for about a year. I've been very clear that I picture a future together with him, but for various reasons, he has always been reluctant to make a commitment (e.g., traumatic experience with his ex, STD-related health concerns, different living situations, etc. All negotiable and manageable issues, IMO, that we ought to and can deal with when they arise) But another complication that has come to the forefront recently involves a very close friend of his who used to (and possibly still does) have romantic feelings for him. He's always implied their closeness, but assured me that the relationship is platonic and not romantic or physical. But it turns out "my guy" has been hiding our relationship from the friend, because he thinks he'll take it personally. Apparently, the last time "my guy" fell into a relationship, his friend was very upset and reacted in a way that really uprooted "my guy"'s lifestyle. (There are a few fringe benefits to this friendship -- including lots of luxury, traveling, a very nice subsidized apartment to live in, etc). "My guy" claims he's simply not sure a romantic relationship is worth the risk of disrupting this arrangement, which he essentially described as "kind of an open relationship." As a sidenote, he and I have not had sex, supposedly because he fears transmitting his STD to me, and because it would lead to deeper intimacy between us that would necessitate roping his friend into the situation. Part of his reasoning is that, as things are now, he gets to enjoy the benefits of his friendship with this guy, and get the physical gratification of meaningless sex with strangers without emotional entanglements. (But that sex with me would not be meaningless, and WOULD be emotionally significant, which would then affect the relationship with the friend). Not really sure what to do here. He seems afraid to disrupt his situation, but it strikes me as very unhealthy. Sounds like, even taking me out of the picture for a second, he's eschewing true intimacy and life opportunities (a family, etc) for the comfort of what he has and the material perks (which seems pretty hollow, IMO, especially if his "friend" would be so vindictive and petty), and I worry he's going to regret that choice one day. The whole situation also makes the friend sound really insecure and controlling and possessive, also in a really unhealthy way, and I think "my guy" is just enabling his behavior by not standing up for himself. (And kind of taking advantage of the guy, frankly.) Anyway, this whole thing has made me suddenly very uncomfortable. I sense "my guy" is not really satisfied with his life the way it is now, but I do have feelings for him and want a relationship with him, so talking with him about all of this makes me feel a little like I just found out I'm the "Other Man" and like I'm trying to break up a marriage by telling him what I think about this whole situation and what I think would be better or healthier for him or make him happier. Any advice, please? Honestly, there is nothing you can do because it's his choice. If he is enjoying the life style and doesn't want to upset the apple cart, you are out of luck and need to move on. You have to choose what is acceptable to you and if can't provide what you want then "next" him...especially if you have life goals he can't provide right now. He sounds extremely shallow. His choices indicate that his "core" values are materialistic. If those aren't your values then you are probably incompatible in the bigger picture.
fooled once Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Actually, he seems quite satisfied with the way his life is now, so satisfied in fact that he DOES NOT WANT TO CHANGE anything about it. YOU are unsatisfied with how his life is now, as it relates to your relationship. Therefore, YOU have to decide if you can live with it (since he has shown no desire to change anything) or not. Yes, that is the choice he is making. He seems comfortable with it. You are not. Perhaps you ought to reconsider whether it's a good idea to put your eggs in his basket since you already know what kind of life choices he is making and they are not the kind you want him to make. Ditto. He isn't that into you.
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