Moth Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Hey everyone, I have been broken up with my girlfriend of 11 years for a little over 2 months now. We had been together for most of our adult lives. We were always planning on getting married and talking about it up until the day she left me. She had no real reason, except the "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore". She definitely blamed me for everything and was looking 4 years into the past of our relationship to find things to get mad at me for. Hanging with friends too much, stuff like that, which I do not do anymore. She definitely demonized me, which was so wrong and hurt me so much. I never saw it coming. I was just wondering do you think that a person can have GIGS at 30, when they have only had one real relationship their whole life? She knew we were going to get married we were just saving up the money and getting our things in order. So I know that this was not the reason. I also know that she was a girl that flirted a lot at work and had many guy co-workers as friends. Her best friend was also a guy, who didn't like me very much. I also know that she had lied to me and told me that she was not talking to other people about our relationship without talking to me first about any issues. This came up during our break up. So it sounds like she was having an emotional affair and that might have led her to want to date other people. I was always a loyal boyfriend and she knew that I loved her very much. At some point she felt as though she was putting my needs in front of her own. I didn't really notice this, since I was in love and I thought that both people in a relationship should put the needs of their significant other over themselves. I have no idea what happened and GIGS could be the answer, since she never really gave me a real reason. Also, I wanted to thank everyone on this site. I have been on here since the breakup and it has helped me through a lot, just reading what people are going through and what they have written. I went to therapy because of this breakup and it did not help as much as the posts on this site. Thanks.
wilsonx Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Hey everyone, I have been broken up with my girlfriend of 11 years for a little over 2 months now. We had been together for most of our adult lives. We were always planning on getting married and talking about it up until the day she left me. She had no real reason, except the "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore". She definitely blamed me for everything and was looking 4 years into the past of our relationship to find things to get mad at me for. Hanging with friends too much, stuff like that, which I do not do anymore. She definitely demonized me, which was so wrong and hurt me so much. I never saw it coming. I was just wondering do you think that a person can have GIGS at 30, when they have only had one real relationship their whole life? She knew we were going to get married we were just saving up the money and getting our things in order. So I know that this was not the reason. I also know that she was a girl that flirted a lot at work and had many guy co-workers as friends. Her best friend was also a guy, who didn't like me very much. I also know that she had lied to me and told me that she was not talking to other people about our relationship without talking to me first about any issues. This came up during our break up. So it sounds like she was having an emotional affair and that might have led her to want to date other people. I was always a loyal boyfriend and she knew that I loved her very much. At some point she felt as though she was putting my needs in front of her own. I didn't really notice this, since I was in love and I thought that both people in a relationship should put the needs of their significant other over themselves. I have no idea what happened and GIGS could be the answer, since she never really gave me a real reason. Also, I wanted to thank everyone on this site. I have been on here since the breakup and it has helped me through a lot, just reading what people are going through and what they have written. I went to therapy because of this breakup and it did not help as much as the posts on this site. Thanks. Its absolutely possible and probably the main culprit. The story, both your and her behaviors posted are the typical GIGS signs. One of the things you should learn to take out of this is your relationship needs theory. You always put your needs first and their needs a close second. A relationship ending is never just one persons fault. Don't think this relationship ending was your fault in any way. Even with a ring and marriage it would have ended the same way. Emotional affairs with emotionally immature people are deadly.
CarrieT Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I have written extensively about this before, but I am a firm believer that EVERYBODY's reality shifts between their 28th and 31st birthday. Up until that point, we have "jelled" into who we really are and are just coming to adult realizations about who we are meant to be. It explains why - in the 50s - there was that concept called "The Seven Year Itch" when people who married in their early 20s were itching to move on and explore when they hit their early thirties. I don't think it is GIGS at all; I think it is just a reality of life. I was married in my early 20s when someone told me about the concept (the New Age people call it your "Saturn Return") and I didn't believe them then. Being single and divorced by 30 changed my mind. You can read about it here.
wilsonx Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 (edited) I am going to disagree with this post above... I have this locked down to almost a science... People are a product of their environment... He said a couple things that were huge red flags I love you but I am not in love with you anymore". She definitely blamed me for everything and was looking 4 years into the past of our relationship to find things to get mad at me for. I also know that she was a girl that flirted a lot at work and had many guy co-workers as friends. Her best friend was also a guy, who didn't like me very much. I also know that she had lied to me and told me that she was not talking to other people about our relationship without talking to me first about any issues. This came up during our break up. So it sounds like she was having an emotional affair and that might have led her to want to date other people. If anything, she came from a troubled background. Op can confirm this. He was a caretaker. He put her needs above his own. This is enabling her to do with what she wants and OP not standing up for his own personal boundaries and not trusting his own intuition... I am pretty sure at the end of his relationship, he was emotionally drained, he nothing left in him. Thats why he couldnt stand up to her This is GIGS to the letter These are 2 GIGS posts that I have recently been spot on on! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t300545/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299621/ People that dont believe in the this or dont want to drink the Kool aide, need to stop doubting that this does not exist. It does and people need to learn a lot of things from their relationship and not follow the same patterns again One of the biggest things people need to learn and take from this is stop trying to be "CAPTAIN FIX A HOE". Its not your job to fix something thats already broken before a relationship. If you are walking into a relationship with someone with a lot of emotional baggage already, chances are its not going to work. People that have this amount of emotional baggage are co dependent. Edited October 3, 2011 by wilsonx
Author Moth Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 WilsonX you are correct in guessing that she came from a troubled childhood. She had gone through a traumatic experience while she was young, which I am sure you guys can figure out without me saying. In addition, more recently she had found out that her father was cheating on her mother and told me about it. The mother never knew and always suspects something to this day, but my ex will never tell her mother. The mother always suspects that he cheated and talks to my ex (her daughter) about it. I was always there listening to my ex tell me about her parents problems, and friends marital issues, co-workers relationship/marital issues. At the end she would always say that I am glad that we aren't like that, or that I am so happy that we work so well together and would never even think about cheating. Then I come to find out that she would tell me everyone else's problems and then broke up with me without even once telling me that we had a problem. It was always "I love you"s and "I am so happy". In the end I begged her to go to couples therapy, and that we owe each other that after 11 years together. She said that she doesn't want to change and she doesn't want me to change. Not sure what to make of that. I also asked her if she wanted to be in a relationship where she would fight for each other and work through problems when times were tough. She said that she probably isn't that type of person. I guess I might have dodged a bullet by not getting married, but I loved her and all her faults. I wish she could have done the same for me. I guess it will never make sense to me. I want to be married with someone that would fight for us and not give up so easily. I think she knew that I would have done everything to make it work, that's why she never brought up any issues, she just wanted out of the relationship. That is probably the reason why she didn't want couples therapy, because she didn't want to try to make it work, because she knew I would have. I guess in the end she wasn't putting my feelings ahead of her own and I was. It is kind of crazy how at the end of the relationship she became a complete hypocrite.
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