mtd4249 Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I was matched through eHarmony to a female who lives in America (I live in Australia) and we've been talking for nearly two months on the phone and Skype. There is some connection there - as much as you can get online! - and she has said things that indicate she clearly likes me. She has a professional career and is very busy (probably too busy!!) but we usually manage to talk 4-5 times a week. The topic of meeting face to face has come up - she would like that and I'm prepared to travel there to see her, but the issue is her work schedule. I told her that if I travelled there it would be primarily to meet her and connect -- she said she'd like that, but she could probably only take a couple of days off work because of her commitments and the fact that she plans to travel for a couple of weeks at Christmas to see her family. Of course, I'd like to meet her in person but to travel all that way for a day or two seems out of proportion. I'm not sure much would be achieved in that time and I could probably stay longer & see her after work etc. But, I'm not going there to be a tourist (I've visited the city where she lives before) and I'm not much good as a solo tourist anyway! To go that distance to spend a day or two, then turn around for home seems to border on a waste. There is a lot about her that I like about her, but obviously there's been no commitment from either of us at this stage (and, presumably, without sufficient face to face time there never would be any way of realising a commitment). I'm not sure that a day or two face to face before I hop on a plane back to Australia is going to give enough time to achieve much. I have to admit I was taken aback a little when she said she could spare a day or two - if someone travelled that far for me, I would make sure I had a week set aside (especially if it was important enough to get to know them). I understand she has work etc. and that's fine - but maybe she is too busy to make a long-distance relationship get kick started. She knows I would be travelling the distance just to see her -- but, is the effort (and expense) worth it?
LittleTiger Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 She knows I would be travelling the distance just to see her -- but, is the effort (and expense) worth it? If she knows you'd be travelling just to see her, but can only give you two days, then I would say, no, it isn't worth it. Although you're obviously not going to commit yourself to someone you've never met (some people do, but I don't consider it sensible), I think I'd expect rather more enthusiasm than she seems to be showing. There is a possibility that you will meet and there will be no physical chemistry or connection, in which case, two days together will be more than enough. However, if you're considering such a trip, presumably you already feel there is a strong emotional/intellectual connection. I'm guessing you're taking time off work, as well as spending a fair amount on the flight etc to visit her, so the least she could do would be to find a week in her schedule so that you can spend some time together. If she can't find a week for you then she's either not that interested or she's too busy for a relationship - any relationship, never mind an LDR! Have you discussed the possibility of a LDR with her? Do you know her thoughts/feelings on it? Maybe she likes you but doesn't want to get involved. If you decide you'd like to go anyway, perhaps you could arrange to see her for a couple of days and then travel to another city that you haven't yet seen - so that you do get a proper holiday and don't feel your time/money has been wasted. Could you perhaps travel with a friend for ten days or so and see these two days with her as 'time out' of your holiday? Alternatively, maybe she can give you two days plus all her evenings for the time you're there? It's a tough decision as Australia to USA is a long way and unless you have lots of money, time and freedom to travel as and when you like, it's likely to be a very difficult LDR. Believe me, I know! My fiance is in NZ and I'm in the UK! If it's ever going to work you both have to be prepared to commit yourselves 110%!!! Plus one of you has to be willing and able to relocate - within a fairly short space of time!
Citizen Erased Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I lived in Sydney and my now husband is from Michigan. When I first flew all that way to meet him in person, if he had said oh well you get a day or two from me and then you're on your own...yeah, no way would I have done it. You spend a day just getting there if you have layovers. Pointless and it shows a lack of interest IMO.
aisle_seat Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 You're right to be cautious in this situation. Trying to see things from her point of view, she may be in a very tight spot with work and unable to take off more than a few days. Still, even with a generous point of view, if she isn't enthusiastic enough to give up time she does have with her family (and that situation is hard to gauge, too. She may see them very infrequently) then you may want to consider waiting to go see her. Sometimes these things just aren't in the cards. Even if she was super-bummed about not being able to take more time off and REALLY wanted you to come see her anyway (and I gather from your post she's not putting a lot of pressure on you) I would still not spend all that money and time on a plane for only two days with her. Just be up front with her about the realities of money and time and she'll either find a way to adjust her schedule or not. If not, don't go.
carhill Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Too busy + no time = poor relationship prospect in general. Sounds like this person just enjoyed an internet buddy to pass those free moments with. I've done quick turnarounds in Oz (going the opposite way) and they're not too bad but yeah, it can be expensive. I remember my first trip to Melbourne was a one-nighter that cost around 560 bucks (hotel was free) and I spent most of my time at the local pub. Here's the rub.... if you don't go visit, this online limbo can go on, taking your time and interest away from other potentials. If you do visit, you'll likely know immediately, in less than a day or two, whether online has traction in the real world. If yes, that; if no, you can go home and proceed with the next potential and leave this one in the bin. Cost you some bucks? Sure, but dating costs bucks too and online hasn't really cost anything for this one. Consider it a bunch of dates squished into one travel interval. Given the tone of her interest, I'd cut her loose now. Move on.
Author mtd4249 Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 Thanks for taking the time to reply. I appreciate your thoughts. I'm going to tell her that I would like to meet her in person and realise that if the online connection we have is going to get started that it would require being able to spend some time in each other's company. And, that now might not be that time given her commitments and that if she finds herself with the time in the future to let me know. I don't want to waste too much energy or money on a deadend.
Paper Roses Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I wouldn't bother. Just two more cents from me.
Kilty Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Yep have to agree Both of you should be organising a date and she should be making plans to get time off work for your visit After all it's you thats doing all the travelling It's all about compromise and she doesnt appear to be doing much I guess what you have to do is imagine she was travelling all that distance to see you Would you just make a couple of days for her regardless of your schedule/work ?
Author mtd4249 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Kitty ... it's the exact question that came into my head when she could spare a couple of days. I only expect people to treat me the way I would treat them and there's no way I would have someone travel that distance to spend only 2 days with them. As pragmatic as this might sound, it comes down to a cost-benefit analysis and unfortunately the cost of travelling that distance outweigh any possible benefits. She sent me a message today to thank me for being understanding and flexible with her, and that she appreciates my kindness and doesn't take it for granted. I think she's a genuinely good person and it's likely we'd click if she had the time. But, I think she's single for a reason - she hasn't got the time to be anything other than single. No big deal to me really ... I'll just keep in contact with her - if it happens, it happens!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I wouldn't waste time traveling to see her for such a short window. Although it wouldn't be a terrible idea to arrange a trip for yourself toward the area in which she'll be for the two weeks during the Christmas season. NOT that you should expect to meet the family, or intrude on their holiday time, BUT if this woman is sincerely interested in you she would create time during that period where you and she can meet and spend time alone. She'll probably be MUCH better during that window, when not saddled with so many work responsibilities, AND you'd also have another nearly-3 months to interact online before you had to make such a long trip to meet her. In no way should you come to visit for just 2 or 3 days (all the way from OZ)
Author mtd4249 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Thanks, SincereOnlineGuy -- my family suggested the same thing, saying that if she was thinking right she would recommend I visit her during the Christmas period. I haven't yet replied to the email she sent me today, but I'm going to let her know I would like to pursue things further and realise the next step is some substantial time face to face. I'm going to leave the ball in her court and see how she responds.
FitChick Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 She can see her family any time, can't she? It's not like she doesn't know them! She should be able to take some time off at Christmas for you. Second choice, why not meet in Hawaii? That's sort of halfway, isn't it? I don't understand people even attempting long distance dating without having a plan. I am the one who plans to relocate, so it's never been a problem. One less thing to worry about.
Author mtd4249 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 FitChick -- thanks for your reply. Her family lives in Bolivia and she generally sees them only once a year at Christmas. She has a strong family orientation and I understand that, and I have no expectations of her really - there's no commitment on either our part. She has been open in conversations with me and said her life is at a cross-roads at the moment and she's prepared to relocate -- she's waiting to see where life takes her and if she finds a partner. I've drafted an email in reply to her message today but haven't sent it yet .. will sit and think about it a while. Basically, I told her I was prepared to travel the distance to meet her and that I understand her work schedule is hectic which makes the window of opportunity small at the moment but maybe at some stage she will be able to breathe easier and we'll have a larger window. Best thing is to leave the ball in her court, I think.
Recommended Posts