Author Kidd Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 Thanks Drifter. Your words are spot on the money. I don't know anything now. I had faith for all this time because there was no 2nd dday, no trickle truth, NC established on my terms, and no other lies. Now she has both lied and broken NC. She has apologized profusely and blah, blah, blah. Whatever. I have reached acceptance. I've accepted that I don't know ****. We'll see if she repairs the damage but I have zero faith in anything. Good luck to her Ring with me now. If alcohol influenced anything, it was to call the OM and tell him that I would f*cking kill him if he ever spoke with my wife again. Don't regret that one yet. Maybe I should drink more often. Have barely spoken with the W about this incident since it happened, just that night and the next. I'm moving on with my life. What happens with her isn't the end-all-be-all of anything anymore. We have our first MC since it happened tomorrow. I don't predict it's going to be pretty when she realizes that I don't believe her, I believe I may never, and I'm not sure I much care. What a freaking waste. I believe she had a great gift of R handed to her after such a ridiculous betrayal and she threw it away. Anyway...moving onward.
Owl Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 To feed the hydra, of course! I'm sorry to hear about the setback, Kidd. But, kudos to you for taking charge and enforcing your boundaries rather than whimping down and out when it happened.
Author Kidd Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 Ah, the hydra returns. An update...although my wife appeared to have ignored my demand for her rings, she actually removed them and I failed to notice their absence for nearly a week. She has been contrite, humble, respectful, affectionate, and increasingly accountable for her time since this happened. To what extent her words and actions need to have changed, they have. I'm glad I was calm, cool, and collected (short of my call to OM). At MC, she talked about how the week had been good, short of this incident which we appeared to have survived. I was clear that things were now certainly much worse for our R since it now looks like the 2-5 year plan would be necessary. I am, of course, paraphrasing an hour-long interaction. Long story short, I made it clear that I was no longer driving the R bus. The whole thing (especially having to remove her rings) has been a huge wake up call for her. She's now doing what she should have been doing the last 6 months. But she's created a steeper incline for herself. BTW, no repurcussions for my threat. We'll see if your worst-case scenario predictions come true. So far, I have no regrets with that one.
drifter777 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I was clear that things were now certainly much worse for our R since it now looks like the 2-5 year plan would be necessary. The whole thing (especially having to remove her rings) has been a huge wake up call for her. She's now doing what she should have been doing the last 6 months. But she's created a steeper incline for herself. What is the 2 - 5 year plan? I don't think I'm familiar with it. Kidd, you seem to be compartmentalizing again and trying to deal logically with all of this. I know that shoving the hurt into the back of your mind helps you feel better right now, but you must know it's going to come back down the road. Time can heal wounds, but it can't heal the things that cause those wounds. You need to keep working to focus on your feelings and stop trying to minimize your wife's behavior. I really don't want to read another post where you go on about how "contrite, humble, respectful, affectionate, and increasingly accountable for her time" she is now. She did the damage, she continues to betray you, she just might be playing you. You haven't really held her accountable for anything she has done. If I was in your position this latest incident would have been the final straw - but that's just me. Telling her to take off her rings and drunk-dialing the OM are not really what I'd consider holding her accountable. I'm not going to try to tell you what you should do, but you need to do something to make her realize and believe that you are prepared to divorce her due to her affair and this subsequent, secret contact with OM. More than anything, you need all the drama to stop so you can work on your recovery. How much more of this are you willing to take?
Author Kidd Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 I really have no idea. I clearly don't know anything about anything. Perhaps I will see more clearly over time. I don't know that either. I do know that I have a virtual PhD in infidelity now. And I do know my wife better that anyone on an internet forum (or perhaps I don't). I don't know. But I've reached the 5th Stage, acceptance. Gee, what a wonderful place. What a bunch of crap. One ruined life.
drifter777 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I really have no idea. I clearly don't know anything about anything. Perhaps I will see more clearly over time. I don't know that either. I do know that I have a virtual PhD in infidelity now. And I do know my wife better that anyone on an internet forum (or perhaps I don't). I don't know. But I've reached the 5th Stage, acceptance. Gee, what a wonderful place. What a bunch of crap. One ruined life. Depression and feeling powerless is not the same thing as acceptance. You are not seeing or believing that you have options, and that leads to feeling trapped in your current situation. You really need someone like an IC to help you see & weigh the options you have available to you. Knowing your options can give you the incentive to do something for yourself and help restore your confidence and self-image. You need to begin to take control of your own emotions instead of just fastening your seat belt and riding a roller coaster controlled by your wife. You are right regarding knowing your wife and situation better than anyone on the internet, and I don't think anyone would argue this point with you. Any advice I give you is colored by my own experiences and you should continue to pick and choose those things that you feel apply to your situation. Just remember that I offer my feedback in the spirit of helping you survive and heal from this horrible incident better than I have. Whether you reconcile or divorce is of no concern to me as long as you make the decision and not simply go along for the ride and suffer from a kind of PST the rest of your life. It's your life and I hope you understand how important it is to take control of it.
Surfer203 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 (edited) Sorry, editing this out - posted in the wrong thread. Edited October 25, 2011 by Surfer203
Author Kidd Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Depression and feeling powerless is not the same thing as acceptance. You are not seeing or believing that you have options, and that leads to feeling trapped in your current situation. You really need someone like an IC to help you see & weigh the options you have available to you. Knowing your options can give you the incentive to do something for yourself and help restore your confidence and self-image. You need to begin to take control of your own emotions instead of just fastening your seat belt and riding a roller coaster controlled by your wife. You are right regarding knowing your wife and situation better than anyone on the internet, and I don't think anyone would argue this point with you. Any advice I give you is colored by my own experiences and you should continue to pick and choose those things that you feel apply to your situation. Just remember that I offer my feedback in the spirit of helping you survive and heal from this horrible incident better than I have. Whether you reconcile or divorce is of no concern to me as long as you make the decision and not simply go along for the ride and suffer from a kind of PST the rest of your life. It's your life and I hope you understand how important it is to take control of it. Not sure how to respond but wanted you to know that I appreciate your efforts. I can say that my PTSD-like symptoms have receded. I would say that I'm still battling with some depression but I'm in much better control than comes across in my posts. I have regained control over the rest of my life and this has finally become somewhat of a side issue. It is not the end-all-be-all of everything anymore. I come here when things are at their worst. I'm certainly frustrated with knowing that I'm likely never to know for sure if I can trust my wife. Not sure how long that's a sustainable situation. I believe that I will have a better idea over time about (1) If I can trust her and (2) How long I can go without trusting her. She is doing what she can in the mean time (I understand how hard it is for you to hear/believe that). I think the other site, SI, made me understand that a few speedbumps are to be expected. LS is quite an unforgiving place. What is going to make it tough for her is that I'm not investigating anymore (I've had it with spending my life doing that) and so she has little opportunity to prove anything now. If she screws up again, I believe my hypervigilant instincts will kick in, I'll know, and I'll file the next day. I will feel good that I did what I could and I'll move on to my next life.
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