lexnmike4enomore Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 MY boyfriend and i have been together for almost 2 years. We live together, and we cant see ourselves without eachother. Lately for the past 3 weeks ALL WE DO IS FIGHT......and i mean fight about stupid things and legit things. We are at eachothers throats for every little thing. Does this mean its time to call it quits or is there anything i can do to salvage this relationship. Its like everyday its somehting new and i have a miserable day. Is there anything i can do???I dont want to end this.....
bluechocolate Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 If you've gone 2 years without an argument then maybe you're just catching up! Seriously though, relationships aren't just happiness & light all the time. People get pissed with each other & sometimes bicker & argue. If you're arguing over silly things all the time then I would say there is something else going on here. It doesn't have to be something fundamentally wrong with the relationship that it has to end but you need to ask yourselves why you are fighting over silly little things. Are you both stubborn? Does each of you feel the need to "win"? Is it not possible to let the little things go without turning them into an argument? Are you both personalising things? "Damn, he's left the toilet sit up again! It must be because he has no respect for me?" The next time you're about to start an argument try & keep it in perspective & determine if it's really worth arguing over. You can spend an awful lot of time and energy arguing over the toilet sit when it would take just a second to put it down.
MESO Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 Is there possibly a bigger, underlying reason why you two could be going at each other? That was teh case for me and my ex, there were otehr thing s going on that were really bothering us....but we never talked about it...so we began to hold grudges and resentment towards each otehr which caused us to get mad a bout the littlest things... I dont kno if that could be possible with you...but thats what happended to us... All i can say is if something is botehring you tell each other...dont bottle up your feelings
lexnmike4enomore Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 The thing is is that everything is good when i bottle up my feelingd. Whenever i speak up and say something that bothers me......he get very defensive and says something about me. Then he gets mad and i wind up apolagizing somehow. Thats why i dont say anything. Any i cant tell him this problem b/c its just a vicious cycle. So if something is bothering me...i dont say anything...and im ok with thin b/c things can get very hiary when we fight. He has a temper
UCFKevin Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 NOoooooooooooooo. Nonono. DO NOT bottle up your feelings. THis will eventually rear it's ugly head and things will go from bad to worse. Don't bite your tongue. If he can't handle hearing what you have to say, maybe things aren't as rosy as you thought, and he's not as great as you thought.
FolderWife Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 It's up to you whether or not things are over. You sound like you need a tiny bit of time apart. My parents live 2 hours away, and when hubby and I are starting to get at each other like you are, it's usually around the time I start to miss my parents. I will go away for a weekend, and spend some time with them, and while I'm away, I miss him a lot, and he misses me too. So when I come back, we are usually in better spirits. My husband does the defensive thing too!!! I don't know exactly what to make of it, but I think it's because they think that if you have a problem, you are BLAMING them. My husband looks at porn behind my back. If I say, "It hurts me when you look at porn." 1. He thinks I'm trying to control him 2. He feels like I'm blaming HIM for my pain, so he gets angry 3. He feels badly because I'm hurting 4. He gets angry, because I'm "acting stupid over nothing." So really, there may be an underlying issue. Usually after a couple of weeks of this incessant bickering, we get over it. Are the things that you are bringing up BIG deals, or are they little deals. I try to only bring up the big things now, whereas when I first got married, I brought up every problem...then I sounded like a whiner. My husband brings up EVERYTHING. Any thing that I do or don't do that HE deems worthy of nit picking me over, he throws in my face, and when I get defensive, he lets out all this yelling anger. So I get mad, because he's acting like an idiot over nothing. Like if I let the door slam when I'm letting the dog out. When I was growing up, we always opened the door, walked out it, and let it shut on it's own, or shoved it to close it. My husband does NOT go for that. If I make the mistake of letting the door slam, instead of quietly pulling it shut, he throws a FIT! He cusses me, and calls me stupid, BECAUSE THE DOOR SHUT!! Is that how you react to your boyfriend? If so, then you may need to look at yourself. If he's treating you ANYTHING like my husband is treating me, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! It's so much harder to leave someone when you are married. I can give advice, but I don't heed my own words, so I understand how it is hard for you to just leave him. It's all up to you.
lexnmike4enomore Posted May 14, 2004 Posted May 14, 2004 Wow Monday.....that sounds like us...The thing is i don want to leave him ......I do love him and when studpid things like that bother him like when i leave a light on.....its over in a minute and things are like a fairy tale. I just need to get through to him that he talks to me wiht no respect. How do u get through to someone with this mentality?
FolderWife Posted May 15, 2004 Posted May 15, 2004 Good question. In my experience, you don't! I would try to talk to my husband, and he'd sit quietly, until he got tired of listening to me talk, and he'd break something. Eventually, he's started shoving me. If I backtalk him, I get shoved. It's not like I'm in his face. The other day, he kept asking me questions about a house we are coinsidering building, and if I didn't know the answer, he'd roll his eyes, and say, "You're so stupid! It's common sense to ask that!" If I tried to defend myself, he'd ignore me. If I'd say, "Well, I hate to keep buggin them!" he's like, "It's your house! You're not bugging them!" My boss is working with a contracter to get the price of building a house lowered. MY BOSS. If I keep calling and bugging my boss, then he's not going to have time to fanagle this guy into a lower price, and quite frankly if I keep bugging him, he probably won't WANT to help me. I don't want to shoot myself in the foot here. If I ask my boss a question, and he doesn't know the answer, or answers me wrong (because of course, my boss is not a contracter) my husband gets mad at me. Anyhoo, he kept yelling at me, and calling me stupid. I went into another room to watch TV. He started calling my name. He'll keep repeating my name, and if I don't go running, he'll come to where I'm at, and yell at me for not answering him. I got up and went to where he was, and he acted like he hadn't done anything to me. He said, "I have one question." I said, "If its about the house, I don't want to hear it." he said, "It is about the house, and you're going to listen." He asked me a question, I answered. He asked me ANOTHER question. I answered. He asked me ANOTHER question, and I told him I didn't know the answer. It's like he tries to trip me up so he can call me stupid. He laid into me again. I said, "honey! I'm 21 years old! I freaked out trying to plan our wedding, and we eloped! Now, you are expecting me to find a contracter, get our house built, and get a loan that will pay for 100% of it, and you think I'm a stupid person!" He was like, "I gave you a list of everything I wanted!" I said, "I know, I gave it to the contracter!" He said, "Well, why doesn't he know how much everything will cost??" I said, "I dont' know, he probably hasn't had time to figure it all up." He said, "Why didn't you ask him!?!" I said, "I didn't think about it!" (my boss just handed me the phone, and told me the contracter was on the line, and to talk to him.) I could tell my husband was getting angry, so I turned and left the room. He yelled and told me that I was so f**king stupid. I said, "Honey, I can't do this any more. I am a stupid person. I don't think I am smart enough to handle getting this house built." I heard him jump off his couch, and run to where I was. I closed my eyes, because I figured that he was FINALLY going to hit me. He pushed the recliner that I was sitting in, and it dumped me out. I screamed, and hit a closet. I was SO MAD!!! I used to hit him back, but once I about got hit back myself, so I stopped hitting him. Since then, he's gotten so bad! He got a LOT better for about 4 months, because he knew he'd went to far in our last fight. Now, he's getting bad again. He thinks it's ok to shove me, as long as he doesn't hit me. He shoves HARD. He doesn't know how ****ing strong he is. The only reason that I don't shove back, is because it doesn't even move him...plus, I don't want to get KILLED! Like I said, I used to hit back, and that made me feel less angry, but I don't any more, because quite frankly I don't beleive in violence. I wish I had the strength to beat the CRAP out of him when he does soemthign like that, so he won't do it again. I'd love to make him feel JUST ONCE how powerless I feel. He doesn't like somethign I say, he gets to punish me, and there's not a dam* thing I can do about it! GOD, I HATE THAT STUPID BASTARD!!!!
FolderWife Posted May 15, 2004 Posted May 15, 2004 Why can't I leave? I DON'T KNOW!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M WAITING FOR!!!!
CurlyIam Posted May 15, 2004 Posted May 15, 2004 Monday, RELAX!!!! You are ruinning your health! Cant' say more about your marriage! But it's normal to be very very tense. It's about your house! You are going to pay big time for it! Have babies and live happily ever after in it! One of you has to be the grown up, because you are not 16 to yell at each other all day long! Now: you - both of you let the tension rise up because of your house. HE must understand that it's not your responsability to make everything perfect and you must take some responsability here. If you don't have the price of the house, with or without your bosses' help, arrange for a meeting with the contractor and find out. I imagine you do have an estimation of it. Or try and ask your boss how to act so that at least you know what to expect. Anyway, make a list with everylittle detail you want to know and make the efforts to solve them. This way you are at least trying to have everything under control, and stop feeling so overwhelmed by this house by controling it! I hate being yelled at. I know there are worst things than have people yell at you, but to me, this is allowed exclusivily in kindergarden. Used to anyone after the age of 4, that's lack of respect. I AM NOT TAKING IT! Nor should you or anyone else. I get scared. Phisically! I cannot live with people I am scared of! And there is no bigger ofense than to call someone stupid! Even if you don't mean it! I'll just assume that it's simply a very very VERY bad time, with the house and all. Remember that although it is his job to controll himself, you have to help him too. By not allowing him to raise his voice. IT's easy. You are not having a conversation with someone raising his voice. And he can shove this up his "you know what" - please excuse my being disrespectfull towards your husband there!
CurlyIam Posted May 15, 2004 Posted May 15, 2004 I hope KEvin asked lexnmike4e the question, not yourself! I hope you aren't thinking about leaving when things get tough, but face them and fight to be happy with your husband.
lexnmike4enomore Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 You guys all make very good points but im in Mondays shoes...and it is very hard to leave......i left after we got into a very serioud fight. Now i came back and things arent the same. He kepps bringing up that i left like hes holding it over my heada. But i understand Monday....My boyfirned never ever shoved me or hit me..thats where i would draw the line. I keep telling my BF that yelling at me like he does mean that he doesn't respectme . he say "Oh your corney" and that he does respect me just not when i do stupid things. Everything in is head thats not the way he does things is stupid. So.....we really cant leave. WE do love them and i guess the happy times makes up fpr the times when they flip out. Monday, it is the hardest thing to leave but if you guys are going to get a hosue built, thats a serious step that you have gotten yourself into and you cant get out now. Tell him that you'll move your ass on the house if he starts treating you better. Im his mind he probably things that he not treating you bad. So turn the tables. Lately i have been acting towards by BF the way he acts towards me. NAd he even said "Why are you trying to act like me" i saidd beacuse i want you to see how you trat me. So he has gotten a little better but i still gove him a taste of his own medicine. Now if he actually does finally hit you. Thats when you leave. He'll kow that he went to far this time and know that your serious and that you cant take it anymore. He does this to you beacuse he thinks he can. But he cant and he will realize this when you stop taking it from him.
lexnmike4enomore Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 You guys all make very good points but I'm in Mondays shoes...and it is very hard to leave......i left after we got into a very serious fight. Now i came back and things aren't the same. He keeps bringing up that i left like hes holding it over my Head. But i understand Monday....My boyfriend never ever shoved me or hit me..thats where i would draw the line. I keep telling my BF that yelling at me like he does mean that he doesn't respect me . he say "Oh your Corney" and that he does respect me just not when i do stupid things. Everything in is head thats not the way he does things is stupid. So.....we really cant leave. WE do love them and i guess the happy times makes up for the times when they flip out. Monday, it is the hardest thing to leave but if you guys are going to get a House built, thats a serious step that you have gotten yourself into and you cant get out now. Tell him that you'll move your ass on the house if he starts treating you better. I'm his mind he probably things that he not treating you bad. So turn the tables. Lately i have been acting toward by BF the way he acts toward me. And he even said "Why are you trying to act like me" i said because i want you to see how you treat me. So he has gotten a little better but i still gave him a taste of his own medicine. Now if he actually does finally hit you. Thats when you leave. He'll know that he went to far this time and know that your serious and that you cant take it anymore. He does this to you because he thinks he can. But he cant and he will realize this when you stop taking it from him.
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