USMCHokie Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 ...and it's a crippling fear... There's a girl that I really like who I work with, and I want to ask her out...even just to dinner...but I will admit that I am quite scared...I'd rather make excuses about why it wouldn't be smart for me to date her than to just ask her out...I have always only asked a girl out when there were clear and blatantly obvious signs of interest...and if I don't have such signs, I just rationalize why I shouldn't ask the girl out and move on with my life... This sucks... Is it any different when you're already friends with them and see them at work every day...?
AHardDaysNight Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 It's easier for them to friendzone you if you're already friends with them. At least that's been my experience. Just ask her out. Face your fear. Many times, a simple "no" is not going to kill you (that is, unless she also throws a grenade your way!)
D-Lish Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I fear rejection as well- and intimacy too. Are you already friendly with this girl? Ie: do you joke around or have a repoir?
OnyxSnowfall Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Look, you not asking a girl out is essentially equivalent to being rejected. At least if you DO ask, you do not ensure the outcome you dread. I wrote this in another thread somewhere, so I will just simplify it here: Make it your goal to get rejected by 10 women you find attractive within the next two weeks. If you accomplish your goal, aim a little higher. Double the number for the next two following weeks... and so on, and so forth. I would be extremely surprised if you perpetually accomplished those goals Also, the kicker is, the more you face rejection, the easier it becomes. Often times *starting* something is the hardest part... ONCE you overcome your resistance, you will flow with it inherently more. Begin with this woman you are currently interested in --- or, be crazy and ask others prior to her... so that by the time you do ask her, it may come far more naturally to you.
AHardDaysNight Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 You're absolutely right, Onyx. I would have had at least half a dozen girlfriends by now, if I had followed through on the moves. I've even had girls make the first move, but I've been too scared of rejection to reciprocate. In that way, I made my own fate. In the same way, you make your own fate as well, OP.
Author USMCHokie Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 I fear rejection as well- and intimacy too. Are you already friendly with this girl? Ie: do you joke around or have a repoir? Yes, we are very friendly with way other and joke around all the time. Her roommate has already told me that she thinks I'm hilarious and likes my humor...I guess that's what got her talking to me to begin with... I've hung out with her outside of work with mutual friends, but I've always kept it as just friends...I guess just my defense mechanism...I've met her parents after she let me crash at her parent's place after we met at the bar over a holiday weekend...and this coming weekend, I planned a trip with her and another mutual friend for her birthday...this came about after she asked to be part of whatever plans I make for this long weekend... So yea, I'm deep in the friendzone...hahah...
D-Lish Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Yes, we are very friendly with way other and joke around all the time. Her roommate has already told me that she thinks I'm hilarious and likes my humor...I guess that's what got her talking to me to begin with... I've hung out with her outside of work with mutual friends, but I've always kept it as just friends...I guess just my defense mechanism...I've met her parents after she let me crash at her parent's place after we met at the bar over a holiday weekend...and this coming weekend, I planned a trip with her and another mutual friend for her birthday...this came about after she asked to be part of whatever plans I make for this long weekend... So yea, I'm deep in the friendzone...hahah... How do you figure you've been friendzoned? How do you know your crippling fear of rejection isn't just writing the whole thing off? Does she talk about other guys inj front of you?
Mr. Slim Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 For me, the fear of rejection has actually just been my brain trying to tell me it wasn't going to happen. When you've got a good shot, you won't have the fear. Every time I've had the fear, I ended up getting rejected when I overrided it. And looking back, it's cause I was reaching...
Author USMCHokie Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 Also, the kicker is, the more you face rejection, the easier it becomes. Often times *starting* something is the hardest part... ONCE you overcome your resistance, you will flow with it inherently more.. This is exactly what I have trouble with...starting...I generally procrastinate with everything, and I just keep putting off things because I don't feel like starting...but once I actually start, things flow nice and smoothly...and I feel the same goes for dating...I keep putting of asking the girl out...but once I get over that initial asking, things go great and I have no problem maintaining the momentum, granted the girl says yes...
Author USMCHokie Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 How do you figure you've been friendzoned? How do you know your crippling fear of rejection isn't just writing the whole thing off? Does she talk about other guys inj front of you? I work in a very male-dominated field, so women are very few and far between. They naturally get lots of attention from the guys we work with, so sometimes I feel like I'm just another one of her guy friends. What do you mean writing the whole thing off? And no, she has never talked about any other guys around me.
Dust Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I work in a very male-dominated field, so women are very few and far between. They naturally get lots of attention from the guys we work with, so sometimes I feel like I'm just another one of her guy friends. What do you mean writing the whole thing off? And no, she has never talked about any other guys around me. Some times a bar with lots of men and very few women is an easier place to meet a woman then a bar filled with large groups of women and few men. So you work in a very male dominated field and fear rejection. Most men do and that doesn’t stop them. Remember you don’t have to get over your fear of rejection, just overcome it long enough to ask her out.
AHardDaysNight Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 If she responds negatively or non-comittally, your very next move is to aggressively ask her roommate out on a date. Then baldly proposition the roommate and be having hot monkey sex in their apartment when the other one comes home, so she can regret what she's missing, and possibly escalate to a threesome. Or you can just tell her you're a terrorist. She'll be all over you then!
UpDownAllAround Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Look, you not asking a girl out is essentially equivalent to being rejected. At least if you DO ask, you do not ensure the outcome you dread. I wrote this in another thread somewhere, so I will just simplify it here: Make it your goal to get rejected by 10 women you find attractive within the next two weeks. If you accomplish your goal, aim a little higher. Double the number for the next two following weeks... and so on, and so forth. I would be extremely surprised if you perpetually accomplished those goals Also, the kicker is, the more you face rejection, the easier it becomes. Often times *starting* something is the hardest part... ONCE you overcome your resistance, you will flow with it inherently more. Begin with this woman you are currently interested in --- or, be crazy and ask others prior to her... so that by the time you do ask her, it may come far more naturally to you. This is the biggest BS ever. I overcame my resistance. I followed the advice on this board, and kept asking...and asking...and asking...since supposedly after 10 asks you're supposed to get a yes. And asking. Probably got up to over 200 no's off of eHarmony alone. And finally...met the girl of my dreams ironically NOT on a bulls*** dating site. Did she go out with me? NO! Was I rewarded for being courageous and going through so many rejections? NO! Did I even get a date out of all this bs activity? NO!! Did I get to kiss? NO!! Did I even get to experience any intimate activity? NO!! I don't even want to ask anyone out anymore after the pain and heartache I've been through after that. Dating is full of it. Trying to forget my 20s has been a nightmare but I'm almost there. Thankfully. I want to forget girls even exist. Maybe one day I can be happy again.
neghitzbrah Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 (edited) Chicks like a challenge and you are too easy, too friendly, too accommodating. Unfortunately asking her out for a dinner date would be perceived, unconsciously perhaps, as simply more along those lines. You've previously accommodated her rather unusual whims of meeting her parents, crashing, sharing vacation plans etc. with no romantic relationship having been established. Okay. He's got a point here. A casual lunch date is more than enough or a cup of coffee. Something where it's just you two alone with each other. After that, if all goes well, ask to see her again for dinner. Hokie, the very next time you see her, immediately take her aside, with your hand on her elbow, and whisper in her ear: "Wow you look so hot today, good enough to eat!" with a big smile. Then walk off and ignore her for the rest of the day, but not obviously so. You will know for certain by the end of the day whether she is into you. If she responds negatively or non-comittally, your very next move is to aggressively ask her roommate out on a date. Then baldly proposition the roommate and be having hot monkey sex in their apartment when the other one comes home, so she can regret what she's missing, and possibly escalate to a threesome. Wow. This is some great advice. Hey, why don't you go ask out 2 other chicks at the same time. Then start playing games with all of them to increase their attraction toward you! Typical bs advice. Who is this BrownEyedPucker anyway?? Look, if this girl likes you, it won't matter what you do because she will like you for who you are. Not how much game you have. Edited October 3, 2011 by neghitzbrah
Author USMCHokie Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 Her roommate is a dude who I'm very good friends with...we all work together...and he has no interest in dating her...
Star Gazer Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I'd avoid an office romance like the black plague if I were you, Hokie... particularly given your rejection fears. Even if you dated, if it didn't work out, going to work would be pure torture for you.
Author USMCHokie Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 I'd avoid an office romance like the black plague if I were you, Hokie... particularly given your rejection fears. Even if you dated, if it didn't work out, going to work would be pure torture for you. I know...I've always been against dating within the workplace, which only adds to my apprehension of asking her out...but she might be worth it...
Star Gazer Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 ...but she might be worth it... I recommend against taking such risks for people you only think might have potential.
Cracker Jack Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 When's the next time you're going to see her? I still think this is a tough spot for you, but are you more comfortable with the possibility of rejection or the possibility of feeling regret?
Author USMCHokie Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 When's the next time you're going to see her? I still think this is a tough spot for you, but are you more comfortable with the possibility of rejection or the possibility of feeling regret? I will see her tomorrow morning, and every day this week, as well as all weekend...I literally sit like 5 feet from her for most of the day... I'm more comfortable with the regret...I think...
Author USMCHokie Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 When's the next time you're going to see her? I still think this is a tough spot for you, but are you more comfortable with the possibility of rejection or the possibility of feeling regret? I recommend against taking such risks for people you only think might have potential. So how do you explore whether someone has more than just potential while maintaining a passive stance?
OnyxSnowfall Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 This is the biggest BS ever. I overcame my resistance. I followed the advice on this board, and kept asking...and asking...and asking...since supposedly after 10 asks you're supposed to get a yes. And asking. Probably got up to over 200 no's off of eHarmony alone. And finally...met the girl of my dreams ironically NOT on a bulls*** dating site. Did she go out with me? NO! Was I rewarded for being courageous and going through so many rejections? NO! Did I even get a date out of all this bs activity? NO!! Did I get to kiss? NO!! Did I even get to experience any intimate activity? NO!! I don't even want to ask anyone out anymore after the pain and heartache I've been through after that. Dating is full of it. Trying to forget my 20s has been a nightmare but I'm almost there. Thankfully. I want to forget girls even exist. Maybe one day I can be happy again. Eh, I don't think "asking" over the internet qualifies as courage. But... in regards to "pursuing someone in person"... there's several variables involved. Perhaps you literally reek of some kind of odor that is appalling women left and right --- I knew a man who lived thus. The poor guy was oblivious as to wtf was wrong with him... even when his friends pointed it out, even when little ones scattered away screaming "ewww" when they drew near him. "Confidence" in and of itself isn't always enough --- he was a very "confident" fellow, but very in the dark... Something major is wrong with you or you are drawn to the types of women that you (sub)consciously know are not available / will reject you / are just never going to be into what you represent / are gay / fill in endless personal and impersonal possibilities here. It's a shame that you weren't able to benefit from your bravery nonetheless. It worked out for me =/ As for the OP, from what one can gauge over the internet... it seems like he has everything going for him --- that his biggest hurdle is his self-perception. I think he needs to find the motivation to prevail over his fear of rejection --- it closes a lot of opportunities in life, potentially even beyond interpersonal relations. If he overcomes it briefly and this lady he works with is interested in him, then perhaps he won't have to deal with the bigger part of that demon... but if she turns his offer down, I think he'd be wise to attempt to eradicate it rather than cower to it. I'm sure there's gotta be books on strategies of how to deal with overcoming potential rejection etc... unfortunately I haven't read any, can't recommend anything =/
Star Gazer Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 So how do you explore whether someone has more than just potential while maintaining a passive stance? Verify strong interest and relationship capability before even asking her out. If you're friends, this should be easy.
Cracker Jack Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I will see her tomorrow morning, and every day this week, as well as all weekend...I literally sit like 5 feet from her for most of the day... I'm more comfortable with the regret...I think... That's good. You're seeing her a lot. As for the regret, I honestly doubt you'd be comfortable with it. Based on your last topic, it seems like she's into you. At least to me it seems that way. The problem is there's likely no way to be sure without putting yourself at risk for rejection. I guess if you keep hanging with her, you'll find out either way. Problem there is the potential friendzone stuff. I think rejection would suck in this situation. Trust me, I'm scared of it, too; but I also think not taking a chance with someone who you're clearly attracted to because you think she'll reject you is an even worse feeling. What if she's attracted to you but thinks you're not into her because you haven't let her know? Wouldn't that suck?
ChessPieceFace Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Look, you not asking a girl out is essentially equivalent to being rejected. Uh, no. No it's not. Seriously. At least if you DO ask, you do not ensure the outcome you dread. The dread isn't the not going out, the dread is the rejection. I wrote this in another thread somewhere, so I will just simplify it here: Make it your goal to get rejected by 10 women you find attractive within the next two weeks. If you accomplish your goal, aim a little higher. Double the number for the next two following weeks... and so on, and so forth. Sorry, the first part was ok, but continually doubling it? That's stupid. And what happens if the guy does get rejected 30 or 70 times. You gonna take responsibility for his suicide?
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