danceallday Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Great email I got from baggaereclaim. Over the past few emails I've been explaining the stages of grief because when we break up with someone and particularly with the additional pain that can come with NC, we experience grief caused by the loss of the relationship. After denial and anger comes bargaining. Bargaining is actually something that you will have started experiencing pretty much as soon as it became apparent that the relationship wasn't going to work out and it's where you make deals and come up with compromises, either privately in your head or with the other person. You may have bargained with whoever you believe in, with yourself, or even with them. You may have prayed that if X happens that you'll do Y. You'll have come up with a compromise to prevent the relationship ending and it was probably a compromise that had you compromising yourself. e.g OK maybe I can try an open relationship if it means I can keep him. You may have bargained with them and tried to negotiate yourself into a better position with them. e.g. I won't make any demands on you so that you stay. When you have cut contact and experienced the denial and anger, at the times when you feel tempted to break NC, it's because you're bargaining with yourself or even with a higher power that you believe in. If you actually fall off the wagon, you will find yourself bargaining with either yourself or them, or both, and this will likely result in you being compromised. Read more on being compromised and compromising in relationships. <img alt="" style="border:0" height="120" width="118"> The key to turning bargaining into something productive and moving beyond this stage, is to keep your feet in reality with a clear, real image of who the other person is, and make constructive deals with yourself. When we are tempted to break contact, we're bargaining, but we make decisions in isolation often not based on reality but a remarkable set of circumstances that will need to come about if only the other party changes. When the bargaining stage really kicks in during your grieving, it's when you are trapped by your feelings and trying to stem the feeling of the perceived rejection and the loss, by contemplating seeking attention from the source of your pain (them) so that you can feel less rejected and avoid working your way through the loss. If you allow yourself to be hijacked by the bargaining stage, you will come up with deals and bargains that will allow you to have the relationship on any terms rather than on none at all, which is where you will end up being compromised, especially as you will end up doing things that not only detract from you but that while opening you up to pain, may also embarrass or even humiliate you. E.g. I'd rather have him on any terms than be without him. Things could work out because I'll be more understanding and when I get back in touch with him, he'll be relieved to have me back, see the error of his ways, and we can make the relationship work. Don't bargain with assumptions that you have no basis to make them from other than a wing and a prayer! Some bargaining can allow you to see your way to a constructive solution but make sure it's a constructive solution that has a healthy, uncompromised you in it. If you have to continue to have your boundaries busted and basically make a radical departure from who you are, you're bargaining yourself into pain. The best type of bargain you can make with yourself, is something along the lines of: You know what? I'm going to give myself 3 months where I'm totally focused on me and getting on with my own life and if I still feel a burning desire to be with them after that (you won't), I'll revisit the situation then. But most of all, accept that like all of the other stages this stage too shall pass. Keep working your way through accepting the loss of the relationship and you won't act on any bad bargaining ideas. <img title="Facebook" alt="facebook" style="border:0" height="32" width="32"> <img title="Twitter" alt="twitter" style="border:0" height="32" width="32"> <img title="YouTube" alt="youtube" style="border:0" height="32" width="32"> ©2011 Naughty Girl Media | Colin Rd, Caterham, CR3 6LQ This email was sent to [email protected]. To ensure that you continue receiving our emails, please add us to your address book or safe list. View this email on the web here. You can also forward to a friend. Unsubscribe
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