My wife of 10 years had an affair - My soul is gone :(

October 2, 2011

My beautiful wife of 10 years (our anniversary is October 14th), has been having an affair for the past 4 months.

I love my wife more than life itself. We have two beautiful children, a boy who is 9 and a girl who is 12.

I don't know what to do. She is a bartender and the guy she had the emotional affiar with still comes up. She can't keep him from coming up, but she could quit her job to avoid him completely, but she wouldn't do that.

I don't know what to do. I don't think she loves me anymore. It's like my soul has been ripped from me. I try to keep it together in front of the kids.

Somebody please help me. I can't imagine life without my family being a family. I have spent 1/3 of my life with her and I don't think I could live without her.

I am a disabled veteran (so I have plenty of income), but she still works. I have devoted my entire marriage to taking care of her. Cleaning the house, doing the laundry, getting the kids ready for school and bed, helping with homework, and anything else you can imagine. She doesn't have to do anything but work and come home, I do everything else.

I don't do it because I have to, I do it because I want to, because I need to.

A few years ago, I got really depressed because of medical reasons. I was seeing a shrink. They had asked me if I have thought of suicide. I told them that I had, but would never do it because of my family. What do I tell them now? What do I tell myself? I have lived every breath of the past 11 years for my family and their happiness, but now, I don't have a desire to breathe? I want to lay down to sleep and never wake up.

The worse part is, is if I feel like this at the thought of loosing her, what will happen to me if I do lose her?

Edited October 2, 2011 by BrokenSoul4Me

October 3, 2011

If she has been having an emotional affair for the past 4 months, chances are likely it has become physical. If she is still bringing him up, I hate to say it, its over.

Read, you are dead inside. Everything in this posts screams of my past relationship. I died inside too when this happened. This is the time you have to take control of your life. Look what you did, you did everything for her and your family but what have you done for you? This is classic caretaking and codependence. I have been there, I am recovering from it right now.

She has checked out of the relationship emotionally. Its a matter of time before she checks out physically. You need to start distancing your self from her both emotionally and physically. A great place to ask for advice on marriage is the marriage and separation forum. You need to get advice for you and your kid from there (legally wise).

From your own emotional and physical stand point, you need to separate yourself from her ASAP and worry about your kid and you only.

October 3, 2011

I am sorry to hear of your situation.

First of all you need to keep your head up and keep your self respect at all times.

And as for the dark negative thoughts - well nobody is ever worth those kind of feelings.

You are in shock just now and your emotions are going berserk - and it is important that you realise this is why you are feeling this way AND that eventually things will get better.

I realise somebody saying that to you just now means nothing however hang on in there.

Now first of all you said she is having an affair - and then went onto say it is an emotional affair and that he still comes up.

I dont know what you mean by that. Is it that he still comes up in conversation or comes up to her place of work ?

Also in my understanding an "affair" is sex with someone else.

What is an emotional affair ? Someone that she uses to talk to ?

Regardless of that - one of the other initial things you have to do is to stop imagining all sorts of horrible scenarios and also second guessing what your wife is thinking or feeling.

It is vitally important that you talk to her and find out exactly what is going on if you havent already.

Then if your worse fears are confirmed you have to try and find out

1 - The reasons why

and

2 - Can they be resolved

if as you suggest your wife is unhappy then you have to find out why.

Also this is not all about her it is about you as well.

Counselling together could be a possibility to salvage the situation - but again that depends on whether you could trust her again never mind wanting anything to do with her if she has been cheating.

I would be extremely sceptical that this guy means more to her than you do with your history together.

So pull yourself together, take a deep breath and talk to her.

What you might hear will not be to your liking but it is important that you try and keep your emotions under wraps and do not fly off the handle.

The main thing is not to give her any reasons to validate her actions

Let us know how you get on

October 3, 2011

An emotional affair is an affair of emotions. Its just as devastating as a physical affair if not more. I will give you an example, he will tell her he loves her and she will stand there and panic and walk away. Its very very very heartbreaking.

I am going to be bluntly honest, if she is still talking about him in daily conversation, she is not going to agree with therapy at all. You obviously should suggest it but be prepared for the worst.

This is a classic case of ego-centrism and she is going to drop a bomb on the relationship/marriage. Its going to be a nuke. She is going to blame him for everything. Its going to be extremely cold and when it happens, say nothing and just swallow it, dont beg, dont plead, maintain your dignity, its going to hurt like no other. Right now she is looking for ammunition to do it. He is not giving it to her though, he is walking on the proverbial eggshells because he does not want to relationship/marriage to end. At the same time, this shows his codependence and how unhappy he is. One of the things you need to learn is that your happiness succeeds all other peoples' happiness except for your kids, they always come first, then you then your partner.

If you are not happy can you make your partner happy? You can't its impossible, you are emotionally drained. You are giving all your self worth to someone else and if/when they leave, what are you left with? nothing but a big hole

What a lot of you do not know but these people that work in the food service/bar tending industry all come from very hurt back grounds. I work in this environment now and all the girls except for one come from very dark upbringings. The worst of the worst.

Edited October 3, 2011 by wilsonx

October 3, 2011

Bit of a few generalisations there Wilson and also certainties of how it is going to pan out.

The OP has only made one post with very little background or much detail.

I think it is best we wait till he posts again before we pre-empt or psycho evaluate whats most likely to happen

October 3, 2011

People are a product of their environment

All I am suggesting is prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Look in the marriage and separation forums

I will guarantee you if OP posts about his wife's background, she comes from a devastating background, extremely broken family and something terrible happened to her as a kid. Emotionally unavailable parent(s). She had some self destructive tendencies, either cutting, alcohol or drug issues. Considering shes a bartender, its probably alcohol and drugs. She looks for the nice guy to rescue her and make her feel comfortable and safe. These relationships do not last.

I have worked in this industry for the past 8 years. I fell victim to a relationship just like this. I watch this happen to my friends. I have seen this happen within my own family. He is the perfect husband does everything for everyone else but himself. He has no personal boundaries and if he does, he cant enforce them. Just like me. This right now is whats called a toxic relationship

I am a disabled veteran (so I have plenty of income), but she still works. I have devoted my entire marriage to taking care of her. Cleaning the house, doing the laundry, getting the kids ready for school and bed, helping with homework, and anything else you can imagine. She doesn't have to do anything but work and come home, I do everything else.

I don't do it because I have to, I do it because I want to, because I need to.[/Quote]What I bolded is classic caretaker mentality..."Because I need to". He is more afraid of not being needed over not being loved. Look at what he posted about his unsure love for him. This is a huge lack in personal boundaries. After my relationship with my ex, I have added this into my own personal boundary, "for me, if someone is not in with love me, there is no more relationship" No questions about it

Edited October 3, 2011 by wilsonx

October 3, 2011

Wilson, I got goose bumps reading that. You know my story and it's so true.

October 3, 2011

I would agree with wilsonx, an emotional affair can be more devastating than a sexual affair, with a sexual affair it can be just that SEX with no attachments in some cases, but an emotional affair is so hurtful because they will have a connection with the other person and more likely than not will talk about there partner and maybe the problems they are having, it becomes a deeper bond and in my eyes its one of the worst betrayals,

BrokenSoul4Me please be strong this is a very tough time for you and your heart, you will be reading into the tiniest thing that your wife says, but it doesnt mean it is over, have a heart to heart with your wife tell her exactly how you are feeling and you and only you will be able to tell by her reactions, my heart goes out to you as i know how you feel, i have recently come out of a 10 year relationship, it is so hard, but hopefully your marraige can be work on before it gets to the point of breaking up, you are at this moment still together so please just sit and talk with your wife, its the only way forward from here, good luck you are in my prayers

October 3, 2011

I am a disabled veteran (so I have plenty of income), but she still works. I have devoted my entire marriage to taking care of her. Cleaning the house, doing the laundry, getting the kids ready for school and bed, helping with homework, and anything else you can imagine. She doesn't have to do anything but work and come home, I do everything else.

I don't do it because I have to, I do it because I want to, because I need to.

Your wife did not married a caretaker. Or, did she? Was that what she wanted when she married you?

I suppose she is not happy with a caretaker now and wants to move on.

Edited October 3, 2011 by 2011aug

October 3, 2011

People are a product of their environment

All I am suggesting is prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Look in the marriage and separation forums

I will guarantee you if OP posts about his wife's background, she comes from a devastating background, extremely broken family and something terrible happened to her as a kid. Emotionally unavailable parent(s). She had some self destructive tendencies, either cutting, alcohol or drug issues. Considering shes a bartender, its probably alcohol and drugs. She looks for the nice guy to rescue her and make her feel comfortable and safe. These relationships do not last.

My wife did come from a screwed up background. Her father was in the military for 22 years and never at home (gone 9-11 months out of the year). Her mother was, and still isn't, a good mother. She has verbally and physically abused her from childhood.

But she doesn't do drugs, not that I know of any way. She has started drinking quite a bit over the past year. We used to go out to her bar once every few months, now she goes more often, and always gets drunk.

October 3, 2011

BrokenSoul4Me please be strong this is a very tough time for you and your heart, you will be reading into the tiniest thing that your wife says, but it doesnt mean it is over, have a heart to heart with your wife tell her exactly how you are feeling and you and only you will be able to tell by her reactions, my heart goes out to you as i know how you feel, i have recently come out of a 10 year relationship, it is so hard, but hopefully your marraige can be work on before it gets to the point of breaking up, you are at this moment still together so please just sit and talk with your wife, its the only way forward from here, good luck you are in my prayers

Thank you, I need all the prayers I can get. I am thankful that my wife is here, physicaly, but she is not mentally. She is so cold. This may be to much info, but night before last, we made love (I initiated it), and afterwards, all she did was cry. She wouldn't tell me why, she pulled me to her and cried for about half an hour and wouldn't let go of me. That's the most emotion I've seen from her in 2 weeks. If I had to guess, I think it's because she felt like she betrayed the guy she had/has emotional affair with. That would be my guess.

October 3, 2011

Thank you, I need all the prayers I can get. I am thankful that my wife is here, physicaly, but she is not mentally. She is so cold. This may be to much info, but night before last, we made love (I initiated it), and afterwards, all she did was cry. She wouldn't tell me why, she pulled me to her and cried for about half an hour and wouldn't let go of me. That's the most emotion I've seen from her in 2 weeks. If I had to guess, I think it's because she felt like she betrayed the guy she had/has emotional affair with. That would be my guess.

Ok, ouch! So, you have to stop walking on eggshells now. If this was a normal relationship without kids/marriage, I would suggest that its time to start focusing on you and honestly walk and take time to yourself. This is absolutely not mentally healthy FOR YOU. You hit the nail on the jackpot here.

I would definitely post this story in the marriage and separation forums as there are a lot of people there that can give you better advice in dealing with yourself, kids,

Andyg99 (I think thats his name) I helped him out with the same situation back in July and hes a monster marriage and separation forum poster and can give you much better advice on dealing with this in a marriage.

I can give people relationship advice on improving their own self but I do not have experience with kids so its not my forte.

You honestly need to start separating yourself emotionally and physically from her. You are in for a world of hurt

October 3, 2011

People are a product of their environment

All I am suggesting is prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Look in the marriage and separation forums

I will guarantee you if OP posts about his wife's background, she comes from a devastating background, extremely broken family and something terrible happened to her as a kid. Emotionally unavailable parent(s). She had some self destructive tendencies, either cutting, alcohol or drug issues. Considering shes a bartender, its probably alcohol and drugs. She looks for the nice guy to rescue her and make her feel comfortable and safe. These relationships do not last.

I have worked in this industry for the past 8 years. I fell victim to a relationship just like this. I watch this happen to my friends. I have seen this happen within my own family. He is the perfect husband does everything for everyone else but himself. He has no personal boundaries and if he does, he cant enforce them. Just like me. This right now is whats called a toxic relationship

What I bolded is classic caretaker mentality..."Because I need to". He is more afraid of not being needed over not being loved. Look at what he posted about his unsure love for him. This is a huge lack in personal boundaries. After my relationship with my ex, I have added this into my own personal boundary, "for me, if someone is not in with love me, there is no more relationship" No questions about it

Wilsonx, can I just say good post. BUT you can't generalise and say a person from that kind of background can't be in a happy relationship. Yes you are more up against the odds (I realise this) but there are cases where people from broken families rise above their backgrounds and go on to be in happy stable relationships. I know a few. I find them inspirational characters who have had a positive effect on my life.

Many people from bad backgrounds have had to learn harsh lessons and maybe required therapy, but EVERY single person has the ability to turn their lives around. All they need is self awareness, determination, self belief, self confidence, willingness, the right tools and some support. My ex came from a horrible background and yes our relationship did fail, but I believe she will turn things around. She is an intelligent woman and will (eventually) take on board the mistakes of our relationship. She has come so far in her already (from where she came from) and I believe she will end up in a happy relationship. Maybe one day she might say thanks to me (and pigs might fly haha). I agree with most of your post, but there are some men/women from these types of background that can turn it around. I know both you and Homebrew would rule out a girl because of a troubled childhood. That is your personal choice and you have been badly burnt, so I can't blame you. I would be wary yes, but rule a woman out because of a bad family background? No. Every person in my eyes shouldn't be ruled out because of a tough family background, especially if you sense they are truly unique and special. For me life is hard enough to meet the right girl without ruling out a good chunk of the population. Homebrew is 39 and single, maybe it's time he re evaluates his for me thread. A special person is a special person, no matter what their background..

Edited October 3, 2011 by Mack05

October 3, 2011

Thank you, I need all the prayers I can get. I am thankful that my wife is here, physicaly, but she is not mentally. She is so cold. This may be to much info, but night before last, we made love (I initiated it), and afterwards, all she did was cry. She wouldn't tell me why, she pulled me to her and cried for about half an hour and wouldn't let go of me. That's the most emotion I've seen from her in 2 weeks. If I had to guess, I think it's because she felt like she betrayed the guy she had/has emotional affair with. That would be my guess.

You really need to stop walking on eggshells, i know its so hard when you think you might lose someone but it has the opposite effect, stand up for what you believe in ( your marriage ) if you want to fight to save your marriage that is what you must do, FIGHT which means no more being to passive to keep the peace in the hopes she might change, be strong get her to respect you, look back to when you first starting dating, she fell in love with a loving yet strong man, if it does fail at least you can hold your head up and know you fought with all you had to save your marriage,

you need to turn this situation by taking control, as you are now she knows you will put up with anything to keep her, if she see she may lose you then it might just make her think twice, you have nothing to lose but all to gain

just try to be stronger, i know its hard but you must if you want to save your marriage

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