lowspot Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Things have been tough for us for a while. A little background, She is 35 with two boys, I am 42 with a daughter. We have been married since June of 2010. In the last couple of months, I have been dealing with emotions that are out of control, been on depression meds for a while and just learned that I dont have depression just anxiety. So another med change. last week we had a major fight and I said things I never meant. Last night my wife told me she is moving out and so we can work on our marriage. We agreed on a course of action for me; anger management, and therapy for my emotions. We will be starting marriage therapy next week. I feel like my whole life is falling apart, even though she is telling me that this is going to be fixed and not lead to a divorce. Has anyone gone through this?
reboot Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 It's hard to work on a marriage if you're separated.
Nsweet Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Relax, she is moving out not moving on. This may be a God send for you to both heal and work on issues together, which you will be doing in counceling. Be thankful she is actually going to counceling with you and hasn't given up just yet. Ignore the last poster, many of the signs of cheating are the same signs as moving on with few differences. In this case I wouln't worry about it.
Author lowspot Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 There is no other man, we are still married and will remain that way. We are just starting over, hitting the reset button. Doing the things we did before we lived together. Dating to learn each other over. We both have said and done things that have hurt each other. I have an anger issue that needs to be addressed ( never physical) Just outburst of words that hurt her. I put our marriage on autopilot and and forgot about the little things, like telling her how much she means to me and how much I love her. She is my wife and my best friend.
carhill Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 It's hard to work on a marriage if you're separated. Our MC agreed and, having gone through the processes, both working on the M while separated and while cohabiting, I came to see his perspective. What are your agreed rules of engagement for your separation? For example, how will expenses be handled? Are each of you disallowed from/allowed to be engaging the opposite gender socially, as in dating? How will co-parenting be handled? What is the IC/MC schedule? What is the timeline for making a decision to continue or D? What signposts mark that timeline? IMO, since you evidently have an anxiety disorder sufficient to require medication and apparently it is serious enough, along with other issues, for your wife to wish to leave, I'd suggest IC for that specific issue, with meds managed by a psychiatric professional, and then engaging in MC with your W. Budget about six months worth of work, at least 3 times a month, if not weekly, IMO. Your wife said you and she can 'fix it'. OK, flesh out a plan and get going
Author lowspot Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 Our plan has already started. I have been going to IC for the past month, and also seeing a psych doc for the meds. The current med, Buspar, is not helping at the momemt. We have already scheduled MC for next week. We are keeping the same schedule with the kids. Her place is 2 miles away and with a nice walking lake that we plan on walking around with the kids. My emotions are all over the place, I know that she does not want a divorce and she knows that I do not want a d also. We both agree that this space/restart with build a stronger marriage.
carhill Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 OK. Note that it can take a few weeks for the buspirone to reach maximum effectiveness. I found, for myself, taking a beta-blocker like Atenolol, along with an anti-anxiety med, helped me, since the beta-blocker controlled heart rhythms and blood pressure and helped me 'feel' more calm physically. Your psychiatrist is the best source of advice but don't be afraid to suggest things and experiment. Mental and physical health is important. Are you prepared to work this plan for six months? Can you commit to that? If not, what can you commit to? Meaningful change and growth doesn't happen overnight. It's not a pill one takes. It's painstaking and often painful work. Are you clear on the aspect of others? Have you addressed it verbally? Example: (not advice): 'While we're separated I will not be socializing with other women. Will you agree to the same, and not socialize with other men?' Listen. Check it off in your work folder and/or consider journaling such interactions for clarity. Talk to your IC about journaling. Sometimes it's helpful; sometimes not. Hug the kids
Owl Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 You're getting some excellent advice from some of LS's top "veterans"...listen to what you're being asked/told. This isn't going to be easy, and the groundrules...ESPECIALLY those around "seeing others" need to be CLEARLY ESTABLISHED AND AGREED UPON BY BOTH. Otherwise, seperation is more likely to lead to divorce.
reboot Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Otherwise, seperation is more likely to lead to divorce. Absolutely baffles me how many people I've seen "separate" and then assume that means they're single. I've seen it over and over.
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