LSChic Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 I'm a 24 y.o. straight female and I've been having some serious relationship issues. I got dumped in April after 4 years of loyalty to this guy. The relationship had become so abusive, I'm currently in therapy treatment for complex PTSD (C-PTSD). The difference between C-PTSD and regular PTSD is that regular PTSD results from one or two massively traumatic events while C-PTSD results from less-severe but systematic trauma over a long period of time. The guy never hit me and never sexually assaulted me, but sometimes I wish he had done that instead of the emotional abuse he inflicted. I realized 3 months into the relationship that my boyfriend had a temper. Whenever he screwed up or I screwed up he would scream obscenities at the top of his lungs, throw things, and break expensive things like laptops. He would never do this in public, of course, and I chalked it up to just a temper. At the beginning of our 3rd year together, I got VERY sick. I began losing days and days of my short term memory, would spend the day going in and out of confusion, and started having balancing issues that sent me flying head-first down more than a few staircases. My doctors explained that there was a possibility of a brain tumor or MS. I was 22 at the time, in a strange city away from my family, and scared out of my mind. Of course, I became more than just a little depressed and a bit irritable. My boyfriend and I started fighting a lot (although many of the fights he said I started happened during times I can't remember due to my memory issues). A couple of times he flew into a rage and tried to kill himself in front of me while screaming "this is what you want!" I had to wrestle knives away from him or throw myself at him to keep him from running out into traffic. Once, we got into a fight and he threw me out of the house at 1 in the morning. This was in February during a time when I was really sick and didn't trust myself to be able to walk to a hotel without falling, so I slept on a bench out on the street. I really tried to come home from work/doctors every day with a smile and I tried to stay positive for him. Somehow, though, things always turned sour. Still, even when I was feeling my worst, I don't think we ever had sex less than 5 times a week. I managed to convince myself that it was making him happy. That spring I discovered that he had been having an affair with another girl since I had gotten sick 6 months before. I forgave him and told him that if he ever needed to go elsewhere for consolation or sex it was fine, as long as he didn't lie to me. We had a long talk about honesty. Four months later, I found out by accident that the affair had never ended. I tried to put it in the back of my mind. Fast forward a year and he talked my parents into paying for an expensive engagement ring. They bought it and gave it to him. However, before he could give it to me, I got sick again and ended up in the hospital. I'm a law student and I was hospitalized 3 weeks before finals. When I got out of the hospital, he immediately broke up with me because he "couldn't be with someone who was so sick." I was horrified and bombed all of my finals. He "wanted to stay friends" and called me incessantly. Things were fine at first, except for the obvious emotional pain, but then after about 2 weeks he started dating again. He made sure to tell me about all the teenage girls he was dating, showed me sexy pictures of them, and let me know about all the amazing sex he was having. At this point, it was obvious I was pining for him and I think he was throwing gasoline on the fire in order to inflate his ego. I know it sounds crazy that I would put up with all this, but he's a manipulative bastard. Each time he did something he played the victim, took advantage of my low self-esteem and convinced me that everything was my fault. I'll admit, I said some really nasty things to him and started some fights, but if I was ever abusive it was 100% verbal (not that that makes things better). It took about 6 therapy sessions this fall before I realized that I wasn't at fault for everything. Here's the issue: we still talk...everyday. He still comes to my city to visit every other week. However, I'm completely conflicted. I have so much anger and confusion about myself and him. 80% of the time I desperately want to get rid of him. I've tried to cut off contact maybe 8 or 9 times since April. Each time, I wake up the next morning, have a massive panic attack, and call him back groveling. It's almost a physical addiction. I've been all around the internet and spoken to several professionals, asking them why my heart isn't in line with my head. My doctor said it might be a slight case of Stockholm Syndrome. It's like there's a switch in my brain stuck on the "desperate" setting. He's LOVING that I'm acting so pathetic over him. A large part of me wants to knock the stupid smirk off his face, but I know I'd come crawling back 24 hours later.
eatNrM Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 I'm a 24 y.o. straight female and I've been having some serious relationship issues. I got dumped in April after 4 years of loyalty to this guy. The relationship had become so abusive, I'm currently in therapy treatment for complex PTSD (C-PTSD). The difference between C-PTSD and regular PTSD is that regular PTSD results from one or two massively traumatic events while C-PTSD results from less-severe but systematic trauma over a long period of time. The guy never hit me and never sexually assaulted me, but sometimes I wish he had done that instead of the emotional abuse he inflicted. I realized 3 months into the relationship that my boyfriend had a temper. Whenever he screwed up or I screwed up he would scream obscenities at the top of his lungs, throw things, and break expensive things like laptops. He would never do this in public, of course, and I chalked it up to just a temper. At the beginning of our 3rd year together, I got VERY sick. I began losing days and days of my short term memory, would spend the day going in and out of confusion, and started having balancing issues that sent me flying head-first down more than a few staircases. My doctors explained that there was a possibility of a brain tumor or MS. I was 22 at the time, in a strange city away from my family, and scared out of my mind. Of course, I became more than just a little depressed and a bit irritable. My boyfriend and I started fighting a lot (although many of the fights he said I started happened during times I can't remember due to my memory issues). A couple of times he flew into a rage and tried to kill himself in front of me while screaming "this is what you want!" I had to wrestle knives away from him or throw myself at him to keep him from running out into traffic. Once, we got into a fight and he threw me out of the house at 1 in the morning. This was in February during a time when I was really sick and didn't trust myself to be able to walk to a hotel without falling, so I slept on a bench out on the street. I really tried to come home from work/doctors every day with a smile and I tried to stay positive for him. Somehow, though, things always turned sour. Still, even when I was feeling my worst, I don't think we ever had sex less than 5 times a week. I managed to convince myself that it was making him happy. That spring I discovered that he had been having an affair with another girl since I had gotten sick 6 months before. I forgave him and told him that if he ever needed to go elsewhere for consolation or sex it was fine, as long as he didn't lie to me. We had a long talk about honesty. Four months later, I found out by accident that the affair had never ended. I tried to put it in the back of my mind. Fast forward a year and he talked my parents into paying for an expensive engagement ring. They bought it and gave it to him. However, before he could give it to me, I got sick again and ended up in the hospital. I'm a law student and I was hospitalized 3 weeks before finals. When I got out of the hospital, he immediately broke up with me because he "couldn't be with someone who was so sick." I was horrified and bombed all of my finals. He "wanted to stay friends" and called me incessantly. Things were fine at first, except for the obvious emotional pain, but then after about 2 weeks he started dating again. He made sure to tell me about all the teenage girls he was dating, showed me sexy pictures of them, and let me know about all the amazing sex he was having. At this point, it was obvious I was pining for him and I think he was throwing gasoline on the fire in order to inflate his ego. I know it sounds crazy that I would put up with all this, but he's a manipulative bastard. Each time he did something he played the victim, took advantage of my low self-esteem and convinced me that everything was my fault. I'll admit, I said some really nasty things to him and started some fights, but if I was ever abusive it was 100% verbal (not that that makes things better). It took about 6 therapy sessions this fall before I realized that I wasn't at fault for everything. Here's the issue: we still talk...everyday. He still comes to my city to visit every other week. However, I'm completely conflicted. I have so much anger and confusion about myself and him. 80% of the time I desperately want to get rid of him. I've tried to cut off contact maybe 8 or 9 times since April. Each time, I wake up the next morning, have a massive panic attack, and call him back groveling. It's almost a physical addiction. I've been all around the internet and spoken to several professionals, asking them why my heart isn't in line with my head. My doctor said it might be a slight case of Stockholm Syndrome. It's like there's a switch in my brain stuck on the "desperate" setting. He's LOVING that I'm acting so pathetic over him. A large part of me wants to knock the stupid smirk off his face, but I know I'd come crawling back 24 hours later. You're seeing your abusive ex, because you need help. Especially after reading this last sentence, I don't think this is something you'll get over alone. Please seek a local therapist for your future sanity. People like you are the prime target for abusers, so to minimize any further affects, please do this ASAP.
laotzu Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 You're still seeing him and talking to him because you're terrified of being emotionally alone, and probably have been for most of your life. If you could confront being emotionally alone in the world, you'd be able to break it off with him. Of course he's loving that you're so pathetic over him - it validates his sense of power. Do something about it; break it off with him, and never talk to him again.
bigmomma1974 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 I hate to 6 say this but 6 years ago i was your ex. i was verbally abusive, mean, cruel and hateful and said some horrible things. My Problem was being bipolar and not being dxed. I have changed for the better with meds, therphy and a loving husband. Ive made ammends with my ex husband apologized for all the pain I put him through and he accepted. You my dear are treading on thin water, you need to block his number, change yours and go complete nc. look you bombed your finals because of his emotional abuse and control over you. I am afraid for your safety, he could snap at anytime and hurt you really bad. You deserve better and you should have someone who loves and respects you the way you need it. see a therpist and keep seeing her/him until you can get to the point you no longer need this man or crave his affection. He doesn't love or care for you, he is using you and has control over you!
FitChick Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 You believe you deserve to be treated badly. Someone who truly believes they are worthy, lovable, deserving, good enough would never put up with that abuse. They probably would never be attracted to that person in the first place. "Water seeks its own level." The Lefkoe Method is great for quickly eliminating those core beliefs you formed about yourself as a child. Are you reliving some childhood trauma through him, hoping it will magically change this time? Give up that dream. We teach people how to treat us.
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