Annalisa Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 I was hoping I wouldn't be back on this forum again so soon. I broke up with my ex in April. In June, I met New Guy and we started going out. In August, I officially became his girlfriend. Now we've been together two months and we're having big problems. I kept telling myself how things felt so right with New Guy and how he isn't a rebound. Maybe I had blinkers on because I so desperately wanted to believe I'd found someone better than my ex. New Guy has (had?) a female best friend, L. New Guy used to like L in a romantic way but this was maybe 3 years ago. L knows this and has used this to her advantage. She owes New Guy a big sum of money (about 1 month's worth of his pay). This sum was borrowed about 2 years ago and has yet to be repaid. I only just found out about this and I feel like New Guy should have told me about it before we got together. L had something against me before she even met me. She broke up with her ex in April and has been using New Guy as a crutch. She's been acting possessive about New Guy and behaving as if I stole her boyfriend. She calls him at 3 am on Saturday and sends him long text messages name calling him and (I just found this out) name calling me too. She has done this 3 or 4 times. New Guy said he defended me but he still kept in contact with her even after she did that for the third time. How can he allow L to criticise and disrespect his girlfriend? She said I don't allow them to meet but they met up at least once a week while he juggled 2 jobs and dating me at the same time. I don't get jealous easily but L was being ridiculous so I told New Guy how I felt and he said he wouldn't contact her anymore. I found out he lied about this and still replied to her messages. We had a fight and New Guy apologised and sent me flowers. He's since promised to cut off all contact with her but that's what he said the first time. I don't know if I can trust him anymore. New Guy hasn't had much relationship experience. His previous relationship only lasted about 2 or 3 months (I don't think the break up had to do with L). If he'd had more relationship experience, I don't think this whole incident would have taken place. He wouldn't have let it reach this stage. I feel like he was not honest with me at the beginning because he didn't tell me about the large sum of money L owes him. And he hasn't been honest with me when he promised the first time to cut off contact with L. I feel like he doesn't love himself because of how he's allowed L to treat him. If he doesn't love himself, how can he possibly have a healthy and loving relationship with me? So with all these issues, it feels like New Guy's not mature enough or ready for a healthy relationship. I guess it's my fault too for jumping into a new relationship so soon. I should have been more discerning. I'm not sure if my relationship with New Guy is worth working on, since we've only been together 2 months and already such problems are surfacing. Thanks for reading and I would love to hear what you guys think! Should I try saving this relationship? Or walk away before all these issues become too much to handle and crush me? Allowing L to disrespect me, lying to me about contacting L and not being completely honest and open with me from the start, and trying to solve problems by standing in the rain and making me worry that he'll get sick. What do you guys think? Is such a relationship worth saving or should I walk away now?
Imajerk17 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Annalisa, NewGuy might be perfect for you in every other way, but if he can't set appropriate boundaries with L, you're screwed (excuse the pun). And the relationship won't work.
laotzu Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Why does he have to tell you about the money she owes him? I think it's weak to lend a girl a month's worth of pay without any mechanism to collect (clearly, he's never getting that money back) but I'm not sure in what sense he needs to disclose that to you. You may think it's reflective of poor behavior to lend that money - and I agree - but it's certainly not dishonest to not tell you about it. Obviously, L. enjoys having a psychological control over your boyfriend, and that's pretty unfortunate. If you don't think he's worth it, I wouldn't expend too much energy trying to wrench him away. If you do think he's worth it, I'm pretty sure you'd win the battle with L. for his attention/affection, since you're sleeping with him and all that jazz. But don't characterize his behavior as dishonest with the money, and don't anticipate that you can tell someone to stop contact with a long-time friend, and once-crush, without some remission.
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