TooAccepting32 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 (edited) We've been dating for 2 mths, exclusive for one mth. He's retired from the military, told me since our first date that he's never going back, he wants a family etc. doesn't want to die, doesn't want the lack of freedom. It's totally in the past. Said he is planning on opening a boot camp gym in town. I believed he had no desire to go back, and felt no threat of it. I want and choose to only date people who may travel occassionally for work, but who are able to be mostly present. This is what I need in a relationship. We discussed this, he said he wanted the same. The other day he said that he was planning to go back to Afghanistan in the spring but changed his mind after meeting me. Um looks like he lied during our first date, and leading up to whenever he actually decided to stick around.... if in fact he truly decided this. He suddenly started talking about how he misses the excitement and wants to become an overseas news reporter, but then started back pedalling as soon as he started to notice I was processing the information. I think he should do whatever he needs to do in his life. I want to know what that is so that I can make good decisions about whether or not our goals are compatible, and I'm not sure if exclusivity is the way to go while that is up in the air. I don't know if I can trust him to have an honest conversation about it now though because it seems he was dishonest with me to get me involved with him in the first place. Often people will say anything to keep someone for the time being. Any insights? or suggestions about how to get down to the truth so that I can make a decision about whether or not to continue committing myself to this person? I'm 34 and kind of tired of liars wasting my time. Is the inconsistency a red enough flag to justify bailing? Edited October 2, 2011 by TooAccepting32
eatNrM Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 We've been dating for 2 mths, exclusive for one mth. He's retired from the military, told me since our first date that he's never going back, he wants a family etc. doesn't want to die, doesn't want the lack of freedom. It's totally in the past. Said he is planning on opening a boot camp gym in town. I believed he had no desire to go back, and felt no threat of it. I want and choose to only date people who may travel occassionally for work, but who are able to be mostly present. This is what I need in a relationship. We discussed this, he said he wanted the same. The other day he said that he was planning to go back to Afghanistan in the spring but changed his mind after meeting me. Um looks like he lied during our first date, and leading up to whenever he actually decided to stick around.... if in fact he truly decided this. He suddenly started talking about how he misses the excitement and wants to become an overseas news reporter, but then started back pedalling as soon as he started to notice I was processing the information. I think he should do whatever he needs to do in his life. I want to know what that is so that I can make good decisions about whether or not our goals are compatible, and I'm not sure if exclusivity is the way to go while that is up in the air. I don't know if I can trust him to have an honest conversation about it now though because it seems he was dishonest with me to get me involved with him in the first place. Often people will say anything to keep someone for the time being. Any insights? or suggestions about how to get down to the truth so that I can make a decision about whether or not to continue committing myself to this person? I'm 34 and kind of tired of liars wasting my time. Is the inconsistency a red enough flag to justify bailing? I have one question to ask: Did you give up the booty?
Author TooAccepting32 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 lol... yes we had sex. It was a mutual decision Now what? If it's that he doesn't want me anymore after he's completed "the chase", then fine. I won't argue. I don't want him in that case anyway. How do I find out so that I can move on?
eatNrM Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 lol... yes we had sex. It was a mutual decision Now what? If it's that he doesn't want me anymore after he's completed "the chase", then fine. I won't argue. I don't want him in that case anyway. How do I find out so that I can move on? I'm sure it was a mutual decision, or we'd be dealing with something a bit more serious:laugh: Yeah, the chase is over, so I think he will be leaving you soon. Many men will lie to get booty, because honesty makes it harder to get. As far as finding out, the easiest way is to ask.
Author TooAccepting32 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 Hmmm I've asked.. he claims to want to be with me, and claims to not want to go away anywhere etc. even though he's spouting inconsistencies. If he's a liar, he'll evidently just lie. If he'll leave soon, I hope it's really soon. How would a girl speed up the process? lol ... I mean it though. I don't want to withdraw and create another chase, to find out way later that he's not for real. tnx for the advice
eatNrM Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Hmmm I've asked.. he claims to want to be with me, and claims to not want to go away anywhere etc. even though he's spouting inconsistencies. If he's a liar, he'll evidently just lie. If he'll leave soon, I hope it's really soon. How would a girl speed up the process? lol ... I mean it though. I don't want to withdraw and create another chase, to find out way later that he's not for real. tnx for the advice Or you can withdraw and don't respond to his chasing attempts.
Pierre Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 If you believe he could open a gym or become an overseas news reporter I would like to sell you a bridge. He is just bs'ing to impress and it worked. He is probably a low rank enlisted man. I am sorry you wasted your time.
bigmomma1974 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 have you ever though that since he is done with the military he is ust venting and expressing things he could have did. alot of militarty people miss that life when they retire i know my uncle did. Talk to him, ask him, tell him some of the things confuse you and makes you unsure of what he wants and you dont wanna play games.
tradewinds Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Maybe he changed his mind. Better he did it early rather than later. Some people are not just about sex either. Perhaps he thought that was what he needed (to settle down), but soon realized it isn't for him. He could have been undecided also. Of course he could have led you on hoping to be satisfied staying put or worst case to have someone while he decided. Don't get attached and be ready to move on. Don't put up with lies either!
Emilia Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 He probably tried to give it up for you but he is craving that life too much. My ex is like that to a degree. If he goes back he might mention marriage too. Try to ignore the silly ' he just wanted sex' nonsense. Some people are actually more evolved than that
FitChick Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Tell him to take out an insurance policy making you the beneficiary, and wish him well in the war zone. Watch The Hurt Locker. Then start dating others.
daphne Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Many men will lie to get booty, because honesty makes it harder to get. Or you can withdraw and don't respond to his chasing attempts. Don't waste your time. I get the distinct impression that he knew he was going to all along. I dated a guy like this, and when I dumped him, he kept coming back crying how he wanted to stay and that I was potentially the one blah blah. But if I was stupid enough to talk to him for very long, the truth would come out again. Men will say just about anything for sex. It sucks, but it is what it is.
Author TooAccepting32 Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 Hmm interesting advice. Thanks everyone. A friend of mine thinks he's just trying to destabilize me... rock the boat so to speak in hopes that I will hold on tighter. I'm not sure, but the only thing I DO know is what he said. I'm thinking I'll have to take some steps back to non-exclusive at least so I'm not cutting off other options for someone who may not be LT material. Although... the life insurance suggestion isn't sounding so bad right about now
FeelingSmall Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 If I learned anything from my latest relationship, it's that not a soul on earth except your SO can tell you what's really going on in their head and since you're here he's not quite doing that. He's let it slide that travel and excitement is something that he wants. Chances are that later down the road that's only going to grow, not diminish. No one can tell you what he's actually thinking, but generally the outcome is right. He may be thinking that he really likes you and wants to stick around but, that's not going to change his desire for the excitement and travel and eventually he'll probably want to pursue that as well. I'd say you're extremely lucky you know what you want and were able to catch this so quickly. I also think it's admirable that you're able to be so level headed about it all, to look at what this could turn into later. Kudos to you on that. I wish I had been that smart and clear thinking.
eatNrM Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 He probably tried to give it up for you but he is craving that life too much. My ex is like that to a degree. If he goes back he might mention marriage too. Try to ignore the silly ' he just wanted sex' nonsense. Some people are actually more evolved than that Hm. Is it really that silly? I think my point my point is still valid.
eatNrM Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 He probably tried to give it up for you but he is craving that life too much. My ex is like that to a degree. If he goes back he might mention marriage too. Try to ignore the silly ' he just wanted sex' nonsense. Some people are actually more evolved than that Hm. Is it really that silly? Seems quite possible to me. I bet he even started having his 'revelation' after getting some ass. I think the point my point is still valid.
Author TooAccepting32 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 sure, it's possible. I don't think every guy is like that in every situation, and there's no magic formula for how long to make a guy wait to make sure he's actually for real. Not to say my situation isn't a case where it's about the chase. Either way I don't care... if he's not going to stick around now because he got sex, or he never was going to stick around because he's Mr. Adventure, it all adds up to the same thing in the end.
Emilia Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 sure, it's possible. I don't think every guy is like that in every situation, and there's no magic formula for how long to make a guy wait to make sure he's actually for real. Not to say my situation isn't a case where it's about the chase. Either way I don't care... if he's not going to stick around now because he got sex, or he never was going to stick around because he's Mr. Adventure, it all adds up to the same thing in the end. That's exactly right.
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