In a total mess about my best (opposite sex) friend

[missingpieces1975]

This is a big step for me, asking for help and advice. I hope someone can take the time to offer their thoughts.

 

She's my best friend. I don't make friends easily, and I've never had such a good friend, someone I can talk about anything and everything to, who doesn't judge me even when she sees some very unattractive sides to my personality. I don't want to lose her, but things have gone very awry now.

 

We first met when we worked together for a long time, a few years ago. She always went out of her way to bring me out of my shell (I'm painfully shy), to assure me that I was much more interesting than I felt. She didn't have an ulterior motive, of that I'm certain, she's just a genuinely caring person. She was with someone then - it wasn't going well, but it helped to have boundaries because I fall in love very easily.

 

I was in a relationship too, and I still am. It's long term and we have kids. I love my partner, although our relationship has always been rocky because we're both depressed, volatile people. She doesn't know about any of this.

 

Anyway, my best friend and I helped each other through some difficult times, cried on each other's shoulders, got very close. She split up with her boyfriend, became single for many years, and we lost our jobs. Our emotional affair started then, although we never discussed it. There was never much of a chance I'd have left my girlfriend because I'm never certain enough of my feelings and too much of a coward to take that step. I thought about it, certainly. My best friend and I have never had sex, but we kissed a lot and did things we shouldn't, always instigated by me, which left me feeling guilty -- and confused, because things felt somehow right with her. The friendship itself remained great.

 

Last year I kind of realised things couldn't go on quite as they had been. My friend and I had been speaking constantly, every single day, seeing each other occasionally. I dived into my work, became totally immersed in it -- buried my head in the sand, basically, in the hope that the emotional affair would just fizzle out. Which it did, I thought. It did in her, certainly. (I've only just discovered she felt the same way as me, back then.) We spoke occasionally, wouldn't see each other for months on end. I was relieved when she told me she'd found a guy she was interested in.

 

But a few weeks ago, something very abruptly changed in me. The work ended and I realized our friendship had changed. She used to confide in me, tell me silly little things -- but now, out of the blue she tells me she'd been meeting this guy (who lives on the other side of the country), taking massive steps outside her (previously small) comfort zone, talking to him constantly, and I'd been totally replaced.

 

Not only that but I was suddenly convinced I was totally in love with her (maybe I am? I think I might have just panicked though...), and the pressure built up so much inside me that I told her. She's been cool about it, although I'm kicking myself for not dealing with my feelings sooner. I've been in hell ever since though, because she's the only I can really talk about this stuff to. I've been consumed with the most painful, ugly jealousy and self-loathing. She's still all I think about, about how close/imtimate she's got with someone else, how she'll probably move away to be with him - it's worse than the thought of them having sex.

 

You'll probably tell me to break all contact with her, but she's the really only really good friend I have, and we've had many good, meaningful times together in the past without the other stuff intruding. I'm crippled socially, people scare the life out of me so I don't get out much. My girlfriend is patient with that, up to a point.

 

My friend says we're still close, I'm still her best friend, that all this will be good for us ... She's very sensible ... but why can't I accept the change? I'm being such a complete idiot about it all and think about it every hour of the day, beat myself up constantly for deliberately ignoring her and neglecting her for so many months before realising how lucky I was to have such a kind, thoughtful and generous person in my life, whatever form our relationship takes. My emotions and irrational thoughts have always ruined everything in my life -- I'm emotionally quite immature and erratic (despite approaching middle-age), and, I realize, mentally quite unbalanced, because this has become an obsession. I can't stop breaking down about it all, after several weeks, both in private and when talking to her.

 

Please, someone help take the pain and confusion away, it's too much

 

mp75

 

(I hope all that made sense? It's probably in as much of a muddle as I am.)

[TBH]

it sounds to me like although similar to you, your friend is better adjusted to life than you and is doing what any sensible person would and looking to the future, whereas you are clinging on to the past.

 

needing one person so desperately is just not healthy, regardless of how much they mean to you, there should always be other things in your life you can enjoy and participate in which gives you pleasure.

 

instead of looking to your friend for reassurance and closeness, you should work on other aspects of your life as you dont sound like a generally happy person to me.

 

tell us a bit more about your current partner and the relationship between you, leaving everything else aside, are you actually happy with this person or are you just staying because you dont have the guts to leave?

[missingpieces1975]

You are right on every count. I'm not a happy person, life is a constant struggle and friendships don't come naturally.

 

My friend told me pretty much the same thing about clinging to the past, and I know she's right. If I could get rid of these irrational thoughts, I would... no, I'd love to, because they're damaging a perfectly good friendship. I'm being incredibly selfish, dumping all this on her just as she's found some happiness after many years of loneliness. But the irrational thoughts are so much more powerful than the rational ones - the former bullies out the latter, I just don't seem to be able to hang onto them.

 

Me and my partner aren't particularly happy, no, but I really don't want to give up on the relationship. We both went through a lot to be together and there's real love there, it's just our depressive and insecure natures that often get in the way. I've started down the road of psychiatric help because my partner and kids deserve better (and I think, after all these years, I deserve some happiness too).

 

Thankyou so much for talking to me, TBH. It means a great deal to discuss all this with someone else, even someone I don't know

[TBH]

honestly i've generally found it easier to offload and gain insight from complete strangers. talking to people you know is difficult because if they're your friend they will take your side generally. plus you dont have all that shame and guilt and fear of judgement to worry about.

you're very welcome to unload it here

 

can I just say well done for seeking some professional help. i've recently been through a therapy myself. i went because of issues in my relationship but ended up gaining a load more than I had ever imagined and it was a very liberating experience for me.

 

Being so similar to your partner can be a big problem. people always talk about how good it is to understand each other and thats all well and good but if its also true for the negative aspects of your natures that can be very hard to manage.

 

you were probably drawn together because of that understanding but its very tiring if you're a negative type person to be around another one. My marriage is kind of similar in that way.

 

I really think working on yourself is the key here to you being happier. you just cant rely on external elements of your life to sustain you emotionally. for whatever reason people come and go and at the end of the day the only person you can ever rely on 100% is you.

 

just take each day as it comes. I know its a cliche but maybe try a new hobby or some new interest. anything which will take your mind off how you're feeling even for an hour will do you so much good.

 

and you're right, you do deserve happiness. life is tough enough without making it worse than it needs to be by being down on ourselves

[missingpieces1975]

Thanks again for your generous, insightful words.

 

Let me just ramble on some more, it's helping me to straighten some things out.

 

I've always become very attached to the few people I've actually felt a connection to -- always the ones who have shown an interest in me, who've stuck around long enough to see past the negative first impression I always give. First impressions are definitely something I need to work on; but if one feels worthless and full of self-loathing, it's so hard to come across as a person someone else might want to get to know. So I suppose I'll somehow have to learn to like myself rather than relying on other people to tell me I'm a decent, worthy person. Not that I entirely trust them, anyway!

 

I think I've freaked my friend out. She's certainly never seen me behave anything like this before: pathetic and needy and even a bit stalkerish (without the actual stalking, I hasten to add!). I'm terribly embarrassed about it all, although I know that if anyone can see past such repellent behavior, it'll be her. She wants me to meet her boyfriend, reckons it would help me, but I don't think I'm quite ready to see her being touchy-feely with someone else. There's a part of me that thinks the only solution is to be ruthless and avoid her completely, but I'm tired of being a coward and selfish. I need to deal with this, and be the good friend to her she's always been to me. None of this is her fault -- she just wanted to put her own unhealthy feelings towards me behind her, and as you say, move on and find happiness.

 

I've tried therapy before and have to admit I'm a bit wary of it. Last time, I never really overcame my own shyness and self-consciousness enough to truly give in to the process and open up to my therapist, even after a year of it. It's so hard to string together a sentence, even harder to say what I actually mean -- by the time I've assembled the words, I've lost sight of what I originally wanted to say. Just the confusion and panic brought on by social anxiety, I suppose.

 

I guess I still sound very negative, but today's the first day in the long time I can genuinely say I feel a little bit stronger, a little bit more focused

[TBH]

you need to think of yourself and whats the best way for you to get past your issue with your friend. if the way you will find it easiest is to remove any contact then you should do that. after all it doesnt have to be forever but maybe some space completely removed from her might help.

remember its about you dealing with it. fair enough we all feel we owe things to other people but there must come a time where we think only of ourselves and not put other people before our own wellbeing.

 

I certainly wouldnt feel too comfortable with meeting her partner if I was you. maybe in the future when you've got yourself together it may help put things behind you and draw a line under it.

 

I hear you on the therapy. before I did mine i was sent to a councellor and to be honest it was the worst experince ever. i just rambled on just as you did and it would just spiral and i would get more and more upset and my councellor didnt direct me or push me in the right direction at all.

it was a complete disaster and i felt very disheartened.

 

Then a while later i decided to try CBT instead because its a much more scientific approach and works with the brains processes instead of just endlessley talking. my therapist suggested i try EMDR instead first at the therapy has lasted about 10 sessions and i'm having my last one next month. its been really quick and its not talk based therapy at all. you do discuss your various issues with the therapist but after you've got a plan of what you need to work through and what goals you want to achieve there isnt much talking involved.

I'd recommend it to anyone and you might find you have better success with it than before. its certainly worth a bit of research as you dont have anything to lose.

 

you're totally right about if you're not happy with yourself its much harder to make friends who are willing to see past that, and usually they are people who have their own issues too.

 

I wouldnt say I have completely changed as a person since my therapy but i definately feel much more confident and capable and at ease with myself. its also helped with my job as well!

 

i'm really glad to hear you're feeling a bit better.

[missingpieces1975]

Feel absolutely terrible about everything again today. Not even sure why. Still clinging on, I guess, even though conversations with my friend are brief and awkward now -- I can sense some disappointment and anger, not so much because I told her what I did, but because I behaved like a complete d*ck for a month afterwards, raking up the past, being irrational and uncharacteristically irritated with her when she wouldn't answer my stupid texted questions, or took too long. A horrible, needy limp dishrag of a person Going round in circles about everything now. I find myself wanting to be angry with her, to dislike her, because it'd make it easier to let go, but she hasn't really changed, she just doesn't really know what to make of all this either!

 

I'll certainly look into EMDR. I've never heard of it. I'd love to change completely, as a person, but if therapy irons out some of the kinks and makes me stronger and comfortable with myself, that'll do for me.

 

Thanks again.

[TBH]

Feel absolutely terrible about everything again today. Not even sure why. Still clinging on, I guess, even though conversations with my friend are brief and awkward now -- I can sense some disappointment and anger, not so much because I told her what I did, but because I behaved like a complete d*ck for a month afterwards, raking up the past, being irrational and uncharacteristically irritated with her when she wouldn't answer my stupid texted questions, or took too long. A horrible, needy limp dishrag of a person Going round in circles about everything now. I find myself wanting to be angry with her, to dislike her, because it'd make it easier to let go, but she hasn't really changed, she just doesn't really know what to make of all this either!

 

I'll certainly look into EMDR. I've never heard of it. I'd love to change completely, as a person, but if therapy irons out some of the kinks and makes me stronger and comfortable with myself, that'll do for me.

 

Thanks again.

 

so how are you feeling today? any better?

 

you really need to stop this circling because you know its getting you nowhere. OK so you f-ed up. who doesnt? going over and over it certainly isnt going to change anything and self-berrating isnt going to help either.

 

Whats done is done. you have made mistakes. there is nothing less attractive and offputting than a person saying sorry a million times when all you need to do is say it once and mean it.

 

i think its quite normal to go through feelings of wanting to hate her because that would make everything so much easier to deal with. but the fact of the matter is the only person you really hate is yourself.

feeling that way is getting you nowhere quickly.

 

work on yourself and just stop screwing over the past. I cant tell you how to do that but you need to find something to take your mind off it.

this situation really isnt the be-all and end-all, you're just making it like that in your mind.

 

Treat yourself, spend some time alone doing something you enjoy. personally i love going to the cinema on my own. go for a walk, go to a museum or art gallery or whereever there is something you can appreciate just for you. the more comfortable you get with your own company the better you will feel.