AppleGirl Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 I have been with my common law partner for several years. I just found out last night, when I asked him an offhanded question about something we saw on tv, that I am not happy to hear. It was about abortion. Now, let me start by saying that I am Pro life. I am a Catholic and do not support abortion. I feel it is wrong to the very core of my soul. I found out last night that my common law partner and his ex gf got pregnant and then had an abortion, fully supported and agreed to by both parties. I cannot stop thinking about it. I realize that it was "before me", but to find out that your partner has taken part in something that goes against your moral fiber is a difficult pill to swallow. I just wish I would of known about it a long time ago, as we have talked about abortion before and how I felt about it. He is a Catholic also and I guess part of me feels very disappointed in him. We have not spoken to one another since this revelation yesterday. It has been an angry, uncomfortable silence. I realize that some of you do not agree with my stance on abortion, but in addition to being a Catholic, I am also a nurse and have seen more than I care to admit in regards to abortion. How do I move on from this?
Author AppleGirl Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 No, I wouldn't say it's hypocritical. I am actually not a practicing Catholic anymore but my pro life stance started early on in my Catholic education. I merely mentioned that I was Catholic because I have found that people, mainly those that are pro choice, seem unable to believe that a person could see abortion as wrong merely because it goes against their moral sensitivities and not due to some Christian belief. So, I am not pro life because I am Catholic. I am pro life because I believe that abortion is murder. Now that I have cleared that up, do you have any advice that would be helpful and not more insults on how I am a less than a perfect Catholic because I do not follow all the tenets of the religious denomination I was born into?
sunshinegirl Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Seems to me the only real relevance of this information is as a platform for you two to discuss what would happen if you had an unplanned pregnancy. I was a bit unnerved when my now-H told me that he wouldn't oppose abortion if we weren't prepared for a kid or if it had significant health problems. We have since had several good talks about it, and are now on the same page.
knitwit Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Hi Applegirl, I can see how you might be unnerved by finding this out. It can feel like the rug was pulled out from your feet to learn something about someone you thought you knew so well, regarding a strong belief. I think all people who are in a long-term relationship, at some point, find out that our much-loved partner has some sort of skeleton in the closet that goes against what we thought. Our much-loved partner will have his/her own revalation about us. We all want to believe the best about our partner- but alas, we are all also human, none of us are perfect. So, where to go from here? That really is up to you. I know I was a much wilder person 10, 15 years ago. Back then, I handled things very differently than I handled them now. I did things that I am not proud of, that I would never do today. In addition, I did find out some things after we were married that upset me about my husband. To be honest, if I knew about one of them, I probably would not have gone on to marry him. I am really glad that I did go on to marry him; not marrying him would have been the REAL mistake. However- for both of us, we feel strongly that we have grown since those days, and we both handle things very differently now. So my suggestion is to talk with him about the difference between the man of many years back, versus the man he is today. Find out if what you've uncovered is a fundamental difference between the two of you, or if this is just an example of someone changing his beliefs as he matures. Try to find out if there are any more things in his life that go against your core beliefs. He was up-front with you about the past abortion- doesn't look like he was trying to hide it from you. Good luck! This might be a great opportunity for your relationship to grow.
carhill Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 How long ago did this abortion occur? How old was he when it occurred? How does he feel about abortion now?
Author AppleGirl Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 The abortion occurred 12 years ago, when he was 26. He says that he feels differently about it now that he's 38 than back then. I just feel so sad about it. It is hard to find out that your partner has done things in their past that you so vehemently disapprove of. We have had many "issues" in our relationship but none that has affected me to this degree. It makes me feel like I don't know him as well as I thought I did. It makes me feel disappointed in him and I hate feeling that way.
whichwayisup Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 I have been with my common law partner for several years. I just found out last night, when I asked him an offhanded question about something we saw on tv, that I am not happy to hear. It was about abortion. Now, let me start by saying that I am Pro life. I am a Catholic and do not support abortion. I feel it is wrong to the very core of my soul. I found out last night that my common law partner and his ex gf got pregnant and then had an abortion, fully supported and agreed to by both parties. I cannot stop thinking about it. I realize that it was "before me", but to find out that your partner has taken part in something that goes against your moral fiber is a difficult pill to swallow. I just wish I would of known about it a long time ago, as we have talked about abortion before and how I felt about it. He is a Catholic also and I guess part of me feels very disappointed in him. We have not spoken to one another since this revelation yesterday. It has been an angry, uncomfortable silence. I realize that some of you do not agree with my stance on abortion, but in addition to being a Catholic, I am also a nurse and have seen more than I care to admit in regards to abortion. How do I move on from this? He told you something private and something that he and his girlfriend went through MANY years ago, before you were ever in his life. I'm sure him tellling you had to do with TRUST, trusting that you would love him and not judge him for a decision that his girlfriend made, one that he supported. You may not know the whole story, what their situation was, what was going on in their life.. So, to now judge him and allow religion, plus your own personal view on abortions ruin your relationship, isn't a good thing. If you lose him, it's by own your choice. Either accept all of him, the good the bad and the ugly or end it. He probably had no choice BUT to support his girlfriend back then.. Try to understand his point of view, put yourself in his shoes, objectively and not religiously. How do you think now HE feels, he told you something personal and you are pissed at him for being honest, sharing something painful that he went through many years ago.. The decision is yours, but i think you should rise above it and let this go. Unless it bugs you enough that you're going to end it with him. He's not perfect, and neither are you.
whichwayisup Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 The abortion occurred 12 years ago, when he was 26. He says that he feels differently about it now that he's 38 than back then. I just feel so sad about it. It is hard to find out that your partner has done things in their past that you so vehemently disapprove of. We have had many "issues" in our relationship but none that has affected me to this degree. It makes me feel like I don't know him as well as I thought I did. It makes me feel disappointed in him and I hate feeling that way. Did you atleast try to understand what he went through and understand that now he's realized he feels differently? And now make note, he will clam up and not share anything from his past with you in fear that you will judge him, feel disappointed in him and give him the silent treatment, be angry at him etc.. Sorry if my responses are harsh.. All I know is, if you have a good thing with him, don't let this ruin your relationship. ACCEPT that he has a past and to judge him on something that happened so long ago isn't right.
carhill Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 The abortion occurred 12 years ago, when he was 26. He says that he feels differently about it now that he's 38 than back then. I just feel so sad about it. It is hard to find out that your partner has done things in their past that you so vehemently disapprove of. We have had many "issues" in our relationship but none that has affected me to this degree. It makes me feel like I don't know him as well as I thought I did. It makes me feel disappointed in him and I hate feeling that way. If you wish to continue in a healthy way, your work is accepting the past without prejudice. The same process would apply to anything in his past you found offensive, and the same for him regarding your past. Alternatively, you could view this as an irreconcilable difference and end this relationship. When you say he feels 'differently', can you be specific? Do his current 'feelings' align more with yours? How would you describe the *current* dynamic?
Feelin Frisky Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Right and wrong can be debated, but the idea of abortion is always distasteful to say the least. My ex fiance admitted an abortion and, though I'm pro-choice, I felt a little deflated--especially since my first LTR was with someone who had an early unplanned pregnancy and went through with it and had her son. We can't change the past. And it's their private issue to wrestle with and, if you're a believer, face god for. You can only do your own best and perhaps part of doing your best is forgiveness if not unconditional love.
xxoo Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 As far as compatibility, I agree with the others that what he would do now matters more than what he did then. He was in different place then (different relationship, different life experiences, etc), and you didn't walk in his shoes. As far as getting past his past, it would probably help to practice compassion. Listen to his story, and the reasons why he did what he did at the time.
StoneCold Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Apple Girl... What kind of advice can you hope to get? Your BF did something in the past you disapprove of....no amount of advice will make that go away or change the way you feel.
giotto Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 As far as compatibility, I agree with the others that what he would do now matters more than what he did then. He was in different place then (different relationship, different life experiences, etc), and you didn't walk in his shoes. As far as getting past his past, it would probably help to practice compassion. Listen to his story, and the reasons why he did what he did at the time. and, if it was SO important to you, why didn't you ask him when you were dating? You wouldn't find yourself in this situation. Also, it seems to me that you are condemning him to a life sentence... even murderers are allowed to come out of prison, eventually. Surely, he didn't do it lightly and he has changed his mind. So you should be compassionate and support him, not blame him for something he went through many years ago.
StoneCold Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I'm curious why you never brought this up when you first started dating.... I know many women like to barrage men they are considering with their series of "test" qustions. I mean we always see your test questions coming and half the time we totally lie.... but I'm still surprised you didnt ask... "Hey if me and my hot best friend were open to a threesome.....would you?" "uuhhh...no .... I only got eyes for you honey"
xxoo Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I'm curious why you never brought this up when you first started dating.... I know many women like to barrage men they are considering with their series of "test" qustions. I mean we always see your test questions coming and half the time we totally lie.... but I'm still surprised you didnt ask... "Hey if me and my hot best friend were open to a threesome.....would you?" "uuhhh...no .... I only got eyes for you honey" Not even close to the same thing! If abortion history is a dealbreaker for the OP, she absolutely should have asked that question before getting serious. Lying would have been unconscionable.
StoneCold Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 (edited) Not even close to the same thing! If abortion history is a dealbreaker for the OP, she absolutely should have asked that question before getting serious. Lying would have been unconscionable. Unconscionable or not.... it happens....regularly...for many reasons (some of which may be the same whether we are talking about abortion or sex) Edited October 3, 2011 by StoneCold
norajane Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 The abortion occurred 12 years ago, when he was 26. He says that he feels differently about it now that he's 38 than back then. I just feel so sad about it. It is hard to find out that your partner has done things in their past that you so vehemently disapprove of. We have had many "issues" in our relationship but none that has affected me to this degree. It makes me feel like I don't know him as well as I thought I did. It makes me feel disappointed in him and I hate feeling that way. People are individuals, and none of us was born and raised to meet anyone else's expectations. You can remain all judgy-judgmental and destroy your relationship with him, or you can practice some of the other things your religion should have taught you: compassion and acceptance.
climbergirl Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 People are individuals, and none of us was born and raised to meet anyone else's expectations. You can remain all judgy-judgmental and destroy your relationship with him, or you can practice some of the other things your religion should have taught you: compassion and acceptance. Good advice. Just wondering...did he know your stance on this before he confessed? And remember that he wasn't the whole equation here. As for the bolded...this also applies to nursing.
RiverRunning Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 There's nothing wrong with having your stance on abortion and, if it's particularly important to you - I don't think there's anything wrong with finding it distasteful that a partner of yours supported an ex-girlfriend's abortion. This is a huge difference between the two of you. You say that he has 'changed his mind' - how? What will happen if you have an unplanned pregnancy? What were his reasons for agreeing to the previous abortion? Was he encouraging the abortion or did he simply support his girlfriend's decision at the time? These are all important considerations. I also don't think there's anything wrong with reevaluating the person you have chosen. AppleGirl has tasted forbidden fruit and now knows something scandalous about her partner's past. It may take many years before she can get over the idea that her chosen partner would opt for an abortion. She may never get over it. But it is also important to consider that he was relatively young and it was many years ago. If he says his position has changed - maybe it's worth to see this out. But we can't control our feelings. I don't blame you for being shocked and stunned by this. What matters from here is how you handle those feelings. Will you make passive-aggressive remarks about this abortion, or will you fully discuss it and then agree to close it forever?
Baroness67 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 (edited) I don't think there is anything anyone else can tell you that you haven't already pre-processed. Someone you love did something many years ago that you disapprove of, and found out about now. Honestly, get in line. You don't get to control the past of the person you are with. You can upset with them because of their past, or with their honesty or dishonesty in presenting you with that past, but the truth is that few of us show up to our first date with our truest and deepest confessions in hand. Either you get past it or you don't. That's up to you, not a message board. I know you'll say I'm being judgmental and it's not welcome, but I honestly feel you're the same way. And your post showed up on my computer screen first. PS and ETA: A relative of mine has a very happy marriage. Let's say they have in between 3-5 kids. I was with them a long time ago when one of them was involved with a terminated pregnancy. I was there for the beforemath, intermath, and aftermath, with a partner that has also gone on to a happy marriage with someone else. I don't think either new spouse knows about the older abortion/termination, and we are going back 20 years now. What cause does it serve to tell anyone about that now? Even though I know about it, my spouse knows about it ... maybe some peers, definitely no "grandparents" etc. Sometimes I wonder about the value of this "old" information. Just saying. Edited October 10, 2011 by Baroness67 Added information
Quiet Storm Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 In a situation like this, you will get many responses that say "get over it" or "it's your issue". I agree that it is your issue, but many times these kinds of situations are unable to be resolved. The reason has to do with respect, and once you lose it for someone, it's hard to get it back, IMO. It's not very different fromt the guys that have issues with their girlfriends past. Sometimes, when you find something out about a person, it changes your whole view of them, which will negatively affect the relationship. It'll be like a dark cloud hanging out over all your fun times together. Like when a guy loses respect for his girlfriend because she's had too many for him...she loses her specialness to him. Before he knew, he felt so lucky that this girl was in love with him. But after the revelations, her love doesn't seem as valuable. He won't treat her as good, because she's gone down a level, in his eyes. In this situation, you may have admired and respected your BF, but this revelation could permanently change that. You may no longer find his love to be as valuable, because he did something very unadmirable (in your eyes). The thing is, you feel what you feel. You can suppress it, ignore it, minimize it's importance to you, or try to work through it. It may get better and fade away, or it may fester and breed resentment. I don't agree with your stance on abortion, but I do think that's its okay for things like this to be dealbreakers. When you don't stay true to yourself, it's hard to be happy. A positive perception of your partner is important in a relationship. If they have done something that causes a loss of respect, the relationship often loses it's specialness, and what used to feel so perfect, now feels so wrong.
Recommended Posts