imich Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 To start off, I have been seeing this girl for a few months and she recently left to go back to college (she is a junior) and I live in her hometown in my career. She initially ended it because she was worried that she would make mistakes that would hurt me and she wanted to be able to go essentially have her freedom while she is in college and just thinks a LDR would be too hard for her. She didn't want to end it and said still wants to be together whenever she comes back for breaks. Well we went a couple weeks of being apart, but the separation was too hard for either of us. I have been telling her that I have no intention of taking away her freedom and as of right now we are just working on keeping it casual, trying not to put too much pressure on what ever it is we call this. I am at a different place than her, as I am a few years older and I have never really been much of a dater, but I do want to give us a chance, even if it means just casual for while she is away. My main worry with being casual is that if we start getting too close again she might get worried and want to take a step back again. I have mentioned that I want to visit her and she seems to be worried that might be putting to much pressure on what we have and she doesn't want me too spend that much money on her, we are still talking about this and we only recently started talking again after she realized she really didn't want to break-up/stop talking. I don't want to put any pressure on this and I want us both to be able to live our lives and have fun, but still keep us together. My only main boundary that I would have is that she can't do anything physical with other guys, and if she really cares I don't think this would be too much to ask. Does anyone really know if trying to keep it casual with distance works out well if we don't date other people, or is that going to be too much to ask. I am looking to have some conversations on what to expect out of each of us and looking for advice from other people. P.S. - I know some people might say she is in college and will have fun and that I should maybe move on, but I know that we will probably get back together when she moves back and I don't really want to keep splitting when away. I know that I don't have issue with LD, but I also know that she has to be committed to make it work. I am also trying to be realistic about this and in the end we may just have to say LD is too hard and we should just stick to dating when were together, but I am not really ready to give up just yet.
wildgeese Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Maybe it's just me, but I don't really see the point in being in a "casual" LDR. You're either together or you're not - because long distance relationships require a lot of hard work and commitment, and are often emotionally taxing. But that is just how I feel about it and I know that situations that are not be desirable to me could certainly be desirable for you. I guess the part that stuck out to me was that you don't want her to see other people, but still not be serious. That seems contradictory. Why go through all of this effort if you're not serious about one another? It seems to me like she's unsure about your relationship and you're willing to take an undesirable path just because you're determined not to lose her.
Author imich Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 Well I think this is probably somewhat accurate and I have been really thinking about what I can handle and want to put myself through. I will say that I don't think she is unsure about our relationship, more about the distance. When she first started college she went into it with a boyfriend from high school and they both cheated on each other, so she is worried she may make similar mistakes in the future. My hope is that I can get her to trust her self and help get over some of her self-confidence issues (which is why she said she thinks she made the mistake n the 1st place). I am just hoping that I can get her to realize this and then hopefully be up for trying to get more serious, but I am not sure about the future just yet. As of right now we are just trying to take it slow and see where this leads. She isn't permanently LD and we do have plans to get back together whenever she is town. I am just trying to go through something I have never done before and hoping for advice.
Viking Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Maybe if she doesn't put herself into situations where she might cheat things will be fine. If someone can't trust themselves not to cheat, I wouldn't want to date them.
HeavenOrHell Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 IMO it will only work if you're both 100% committed. I wouldn't trust her if she can't trust herself not to cheat, I wouldn't be with someone who thought they might cheat.
Author imich Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 Maybe if she doesn't put herself into situations where she might cheat things will be fine. If someone can't trust themselves not to cheat, I wouldn't want to date them. From what she has said to me now is that she won't cheat. Her and ex both cheated on each other when they first started college (which is easy to see as college is a lot different than H.S.) and she mentioned that she wasn't sure why she did it but that it was probably immaturity and/or self-confidence at the time. She said she just doesn't really know why she did it last time which makes her unsure if she will do it again. I am probably on the side that if she does sleep with someone else it will probably be over, which is why I am trying to make her trust herself. This is the main reason she didn't want to say we are in a relationship during college, but we are both just taking daily and figuring out where we want to go with this in the future.
Author imich Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 Yeah so we talked again and said she just can't do exclusive long distance, which is what I think she was saying when she just was worried she would cheat like last time. I just don't know how to go back to casual from where I am at now, but I really like her and want to find a way to make it work.
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