Can we accept ourselves as we are? Is that the key to having successful relationships

[AHardDaysNight]

I'd like to re-direct your attention to a thought I've had recently:

 

Over the past 15 years or so, I've received a lot of female attention. Every single girl that's liked me seems to like me as I am, UNTIL I show that I'm insecure and don't accept myself as I am. This includes when I was close to 300 pounds, when I had Harry Potter glasses, when I had acne, whatever. It always seems to be the key defining aspect of what turns women off.

 

Now, I can say definitively that, as a 29 year old virgin, I feel insecure about that. I feel even more insecure that I have no experience, even a kiss. But what if I wasn't insecure about it? What if I just accepted it as a fact of life, went on with my life, and just said, "Hey, I'm a late bloomer"?

 

Is there really a time table on love? Is every dealbreaker a universal one, for every woman, or will some find things that are dealbreakers for them as something that other women go after, even require as dealbreakers if that person doesn't have them?

 

I'm referring to my foot fetish thread, in which many women said that a man with a foot fetish would be cute, or at least tolerable. But, let's say, let's drag my weight in there. Slightly obese, at least by BMI standards.

 

Would every attractive girl say "eww, he's gross"? Or would some say, "Hey, if he thinks of himself as a big beautiful man, I'll be attracted to him?"

 

My experience has been with the latter. And I'm working on getting back to there.

 

But, from your experience, is it really more important to have high self esteem and confidence in yourself? Is that what people mean by "have confidence around women"? At least don't count yourself out, when she's counting you in?

[AHardDaysNight]

Seriously? Nobody believes that this is true?

[ScienceGal]

I believe it.

 

I cannot be attracted to a man that isn't clear about who he is (his wants/needs) and who isn't happy with his self image. This is a turnoff because:

 

- how can I make you happy if you aren't even happy with yourself?

- how can you make me happy if you aren't even happy with yourself?

- insecurity = instability. I wouldn't feel secure in a relationship with you!

- insecurity = weakness. At some point I want to get married and have a baby, I want a strong partner that can get through that with me. Not a wimp or someone that is going to let me walk all over them.

 

Sorry if these sound mean, I've never put these thoughts into words before.

[AHardDaysNight]

No, it doesn't sound mean at all. It just means that these are things I need to work on.

[Cracker Jack]

I think it's very important to accept yourself as you are.

 

But when you know there are things that seriously hold you back in certain areas, after accepting that you have this issue, it's best to improve upon it.

 

I think if you're someone who's out of shape, it's easy to sit back and say "well, even if many women don't like me, there are ones who won't mind", but in the end, that doesn't help you. While it's true that some women won't care if you're in shape or not, it's better to actually help yourself (IE exercise) in order to give yourself the best chance in this area.

 

Being sexually inexperienced, I can see how it can affect you from time to time. However, if you continuously allow it to get you down, you'll get nowhere. I feel like this is one of those things you just have to accept for what it is and try to work around it.

 

I'm kinda short, but unlike before, I now accept it as apart of who I am. It isn't something I can change physically, but changing how I feel about it mentally was what I needed to do. I know this is a dealbreaker for many women, but I also really don't care anymore.

 

So yes, I feel it's important to accept yourself for who you are and do your best to emit confidence when around people, while doing your best to improve in areas that clearly need change. I think that's what many of us should be going for now.

[sweetjasmine]

I believe it.

 

I cannot be attracted to a man that isn't clear about who he is (his wants/needs) and who isn't happy with his self image. This is a turnoff because:

 

- how can I make you happy if you aren't even happy with yourself?

- how can you make me happy if you aren't even happy with yourself?

- insecurity = instability. I wouldn't feel secure in a relationship with you!

 

Totally agreed. I'd also add, "If you don't even like yourself, how can you ask me to like you?"

 

The other issue is that someone with self-esteem problems sometimes will latch onto just about anyone who shows them positive attention and makes them feel just a little bit better about themselves. A relationship with a person who's deeply insecure is likely to be unstable since it's difficult for the person with low self-esteem to separate how they feel about their actual partner from how their partner makes them feel.

[El Brujo]

I'm perfectly fine with the way I am... but women don't find me attractive.

 

Instead, they tell me I should become something I'm not... but then, who's right, the women who tell me I should just be myself, or the ones who tell me to change this or that?

[OnyxSnowfall]

He thinks of himself as a big beautiful man!

 

 

Of course confidence is sexy...

 

And self-acceptance is critical... ironically, it's critical for "self-improvement", among other things heh... I'm not speaking in regards to physique either. If you love yourself and take care of yourself, other things will happen as a "by-product" of it...

 

People need to treat themselves with more care... they're far more likely to mend / recover from typical life challenges without as many scars and the like if they do. And they will be more capable of helping *others* in ways and receiving help from others. People also desperately need to figure out how to *forgive* themselves... and hopefully learn how to forgive others, too.

 

I think having a healthy self-esteem / knowing your self-worth (and the worth of those around you) is extremely important... not just to be good in a relationship, but to live a good life too.

 

We're all stuck inside of ourselves... we can't get away from it (lol, we can try... but we catch up at some point). Why NOT be the type of person you can enjoy? Why not learn to appreciate your strengths, and to see the beauty in your flaws, and to decide to work on the most harmful ones to yourself and to those around you with a little self-love and tenderness?

[grkBoy]

But, from your experience, is it really more important to have high self esteem and confidence in yourself? Is that what people mean by "have confidence around women"? At least don't count yourself out, when she's counting you in?

 

I'd say so. I know things turned around for me when I truly learned to love myself as a person.

[Cee]

Part of self-acceptance is being ok with my weaknesses including bouts of insecurity, anxiety and depression. It has gotten easier with time and maturity. I can even can laugh about it. Now, if I get down I don't berate myself.

I have compassion for me like I would have

for a dear friend.

[motive2002]

I've seen the doofiest looking guys with nice looking girlfriends. I think a lot has to do with personality. Marching to the beat of your own drum. Being carefree and pleasant, but also be decisive and stand up for yourself when it counts.

 

If you are happy with who you are, happy with life and have your own personal integrity, people in general will be drawn to you, not just the women-folk.

[Eve]

I've seen the doofiest looking guys with nice looking girlfriends. I think a lot has to do with personality. Marching to the beat of your own drum. Being carefree and pleasant, but also be decisive and stand up for yourself when it counts.

 

If you are happy with who you are, happy with life and have your own personal integrity, people in general will be drawn to you, not just the women-folk.

 

Yep, agree. I would also add - good skin, good sense of humour, kind heart, ability to let things go to **** if need be rather than try to fix everything and be a doormat.

 

It's ok to talk about feelings but not too much. Life is to be lived!

 

Take care,

Eve x

[ChessPieceFace]

I'm a 35yo virgin, so you are still 6 years ahead of me.

 

I think... being comfortable with yourself is important, however, you would be a happier and healthier person and more able to be comfortable with yourself if you were a reasonable weight. So while your idea has merit, it's also something of a cop-out.

 

Everyone should be on a path of self-improvement IMO. I know so many people with failed relationships and really bad patterns of behavior, who just desperately need to get their head right if they ever expect to have a healthy relationship. I guess that's psychological problems though. I know overweight people in seemingly healthy relationships, BUT they are with someone overweight. IF you are attracted to that and fine with that, then that could be fine for you.

 

Personally, I am just not attracted to really overweight girls -- however, I do NOT want a skinny girl; I want some meat on the bones, so I would say a healthy or upper-edge of healthy weight. I am also not happy with myself, still being overweight, and not only do I find that unfair (to expect something of a partner I don't of myself) I also would undoubtedly fail because of my low self-image. I've made some progress with it ... more to go though.