Bsham Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 OK, to the point: Ex (of 1.5 years) dumped me. NC ever since. 2 weeks in I was in such pain and nearly lost my job. 2.5 weeks in and um...I don't care... I did no contact as a way of getting her to miss me and to heal, but now I'm scared she will miss me. It's been a month now and I met this new girl and she is a laugh really like her a lot, incredible personality and stunning but it's early days so obviously not any deep feelings about her but I know months down the line we could be something good. Now, I feel like I'm moving on nicely but in the back of my mind I know that I still miss my ex. I also know we had something special and if she wanted me back I wouldn't know what to say. I doubt I could not go back as I know we can love again, I know how good we once were, but, on the flip side, I like being with this other girl a lot. So now I'm scared my ex may call and NC will work. I'm thinking of texting my ex pretending I still want her badly to push her further away but that's mean and she so nice and kind. I feel quite stuck now...This NC plan not working lol as chances of her calling are rather high I feel so worried about getting too close to this new one. Ah, such confusion.
eleanorhurting Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 something i learned the very, very hard way. If you ex is still on your mind, you are probably not ready to date.
Mack05 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 something i learned the very, very hard way. If you ex is still on your mind, you are probably not ready to date. I agree. I remember after my last break up going out on a date. She was a nice girl, but my mind was elsewhere. If you have someone on your mind there is a strong chance a new relationship will not work. Every person deserves 100% attention on them. If you can't give it to her, then let her go find someone who can. I personally knew I was ready to meet someone, when I no longer thought about my ex during the day. After 4 months of hard grieving and a lot of soul searching I was able to let go.
Kilty Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 (edited) The first thing you have to do is separate fantasy brought on by your emotions, low self esteem, denial and bruised ego caused by you being dumped - to the reality. You say the likelihood of your ex calling you is high - yet it's been a month and she hasnt. So either she has previous of this - or you are still in a bit of denial. Secondly you imagine that you doubt you could not go back to your ex if she asked. There is 2 parts to this. Firstly you are missing something that you have been used to and comfortable with. Someone that you know all about and who knows all about you meaning there is no need to go through the whole getting to know each other minefield - in other words the easy & safe option. You also think that if you get back with your ex it will be how it was in the good times prior to the breakup - with none of the issues that caused the break up in the first place. - Wrong Secondly there is the power issue. At the moment your ex has all the power as it was her than dumped you. This is why you think you would go back to her. However (hypothetically as it doesnt occur very often) what happens is if she does want you back then you immediately have all the power and your thoughts immediately turn onto your new squeeze and i can guarantee you wont feel like you do now - when you have no power. I have to agree with the posters above though. You realise you have moved on when the new person you meet makes you think how much better they are than your ex, in fact it makes you not think about your ex very much. I suggest you appreciate the new girl and forget all about the old - otherwise you will lose her too. Try and imagine how you would feel if the new girl dropped out your life completely - and thats a test to how you feel about her Edited October 1, 2011 by Kilty
Author Bsham Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 Thank you for the replies. I know you guys think I'm not ready to date, but honestly when I'm with this new women I feel 100% with her, no single thought of my ex crosses my mind. It's so so strange why this happens. And I see your points on how I feel it can be good again with my ex. I guess I'm living in dream land as nothing can be the same once you have split for real then get back. I really need to find a solution or I could end up losing this fantastic new girl through being afraid to truly move forward. Such a confusing time for me. I think I have to be a man about it and not be afraid to move on instead of going back to something from the past.
smudge21 Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Just to chip in here with what you said about telling the ex you still care so to push her away. I can totally get that, as I too knew my ex would, at some point, make contact after I said goodbye. 4 months on, she did, a lot. Although I did want her back (still do) I knew I couldn't/shouldn't, so I told her what she kind of wanted to hear in that I still cared and would always be her friend and someday we would be close friends again. I know that's not the case for I know that once she's gone from my heart and mind, I won't look back, but by telling her this, it stopped her making further contact. I guess I was being cruel to be kind, cruel to her by lying, but kind to me so I can heal. I do agree that you should concentrate on this new girl as it sounds like you have something good going on there. Good luck.
Author Bsham Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 Yeah this new girl is really cool. I'm not desperate and saying this as she likes me (a lot of girls do, not being big headed but I do have four who want dates I never have issues finding girls) and I think cool I got a rebound, I'm actually thinking it as she really is cool. I'm just afraid of regretting not trying again with the other as I was with her 1.5 years. I do still want to push my ex away though so may say something to annoy her in a text.
betterdeal Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Change your phone number and your fear of contact will subside considerably. It will give you the space to get over her.
samphs Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Thank you for the replies. I know you guys think I'm not ready to date, but honestly when I'm with this new women I feel 100% with her, no single thought of my ex crosses my mind. It's so so strange why this happens. I had the same happen to me, I know I'm not ready but he makes me feel at ease, be careful though keep in mind it may come back to you if it doesn't work otu with new girl and you will feel even worse. I am very aware of this which is why I'm not letting the new guy get too close. This may just be a band-aid and not hold up for very long.
gluttonForPunishment Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 The first thing you have to do is separate fantasy brought on by your emotions, low self esteem, denial and bruised ego caused by you being dumped - to the reality. You say the likelihood of your ex calling you is high - yet it's been a month and she hasnt. So either she has previous of this - or you are still in a bit of denial. Secondly you imagine that you doubt you could not go back to your ex if she asked. There is 2 parts to this. Firstly you are missing something that you have been used to and comfortable with. Someone that you know all about and who knows all about you meaning there is no need to go through the whole getting to know each other minefield - in other words the easy & safe option. You also think that if you get back with your ex it will be how it was in the good times prior to the breakup - with none of the issues that caused the break up in the first place. - Wrong Secondly there is the power issue. At the moment your ex has all the power as it was her than dumped you. This is why you think you would go back to her. However (hypothetically as it doesnt occur very often) what happens is if she does want you back then you immediately have all the power and your thoughts immediately turn onto your new squeeze and i can guarantee you wont feel like you do now - when you have no power. I have to agree with the posters above though. You realise you have moved on when the new person you meet makes you think how much better they are than your ex, in fact it makes you not think about your ex very much. I suggest you appreciate the new girl and forget all about the old - otherwise you will lose her too. Try and imagine how you would feel if the new girl dropped out your life completely - and thats a test to how you feel about her How long will it take to get the ex out of your mind completely? Doesn't a person need to start dating in order to start getting the other person off of their mind. I was married over 12 years and it is not easy to just stop thinking of a person you were with that long. I feel I have to start dating or I won't get the emotions, denial and low self esteem to go away. It is weird cuz I know I am a great person and feel I am good looking as well, but I can't stop thinking there has to be something wrong with me that she would leave after all of this time. Especially since we always got along so well.
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