matt_22 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 (edited) Hey everyone, I have been with my Ex for 6 years, we first started dating when we were 16 in Highschool and I just got dumped 3 months ago after about 6 years. She stated I didnt give her enough during her moms death and she needs to be on her own. HEr mom died in april and she was never the same so I accepted the breakup and vowed to support her still. She said she never wanted to be in a relationship after the breakup 1 month after the breakup she is with a new guy and they are 'in love'. I am still trying to be her friend but its too hard because I still want her but I know she is with this other guy. I know for a fact I am much better than this guy career-wise, physically and socially- hes a dick. I have no idea what to do because she was my only sexual parter and only girlfriend Ive ever had. I dont know how to cope with this or how to forget her. She flirts with me when she sees me but never goes anywhere. She says she misses me but she hangs out with her new boyfriend everyday. What are some things I can do to get over her? its so hard because ive never dated or had sex with anyone else (and neither has she untill this new guy). Any suggestions? Edited October 1, 2011 by matt_22
ken_25 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 You shouldn't be trying to be her friend right now. Maybe one day in the future you can be friends but not now or anytime in the near future. You should not contact her anymore. If she contacts you, tell her right now you need to have space and need to work on yourself. If you need to tell her straight up, do not contact me, do it. This other guy is a rebound, you have to try and forget about what she's doing with this other guy. It's extremely hard and will take time, but you must do this. Not contacting her will most likely be hard, you probably have a lot of things to ask and say. Write these things down, write multiple letters to your ex but do NOT send them. Hang out with friends and family, meet new people and try new things. You're still goin to think about her, dwell on it, feel sad, etc. But not contacting her is the best way to heal from this. Contacting her and continuing to see what she's doing will delay all healing, and when you start moving forward you can immediately regress severely by one simple text, phone call, facebook post, etc. That reminds me, it would be wise to remove her from fb, trust me, you don't want to be seeing her new photo of her and her b/f and you don't want to get sucked into checking her profile every 40 minutes.
Author matt_22 Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 You shouldn't be trying to be her friend right now. Maybe one day in the future you can be friends but not now or anytime in the near future. You should not contact her anymore. If she contacts you, tell her right now you need to have space and need to work on yourself. If you need to tell her straight up, do not contact me, do it. This other guy is a rebound, you have to try and forget about what she's doing with this other guy. It's extremely hard and will take time, but you must do this. Not contacting her will most likely be hard, you probably have a lot of things to ask and say. Write these things down, write multiple letters to your ex but do NOT send them. Hang out with friends and family, meet new people and try new things. You're still goin to think about her, dwell on it, feel sad, etc. But not contacting her is the best way to heal from this. Contacting her and continuing to see what she's doing will delay all healing, and when you start moving forward you can immediately regress severely by one simple text, phone call, facebook post, etc. That reminds me, it would be wise to remove her from fb, trust me, you don't want to be seeing her new photo of her and her b/f and you don't want to get sucked into checking her profile every 40 minutes. Thanks for the reply. That really seems the best way to get over it so thanks for the advice. The issue is I still feel like I can get her back for some reason. She is with this other guy but I keep telling myself it wont last. We were so close for so long. If I am to go non-contact, and I get over her, what happens if she comes back? I dont want to push her away because I know she is struggling with her moms death but at the same time shes not reaching out to me, the one who held her hand when her mom passed.
Kilty Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Thanks for the reply. That really seems the best way to get over it so thanks for the advice. The issue is I still feel like I can get her back for some reason. She is with this other guy but I keep telling myself it wont last. We were so close for so long. If I am to go non-contact, and I get over her, what happens if she comes back? I dont want to push her away because I know she is struggling with her moms death but at the same time shes not reaching out to me, the one who held her hand when her mom passed. We all feel that way Matt - it's called denial and it's our emotions and ego that causes it. Also she dumped you and went with someone else - do you really want to get back with her once she has been with someone else ? You should also not be second guessing how she is feeling/and this new guy being a rebound. He is clearly doing something right and you should be looking only at facts and not what your imagination wants you to believe. You dont want to push her away - sorry buddy but she has pushed YOU away. You now owe her absolutely nothing and there is no need for you to feel any guilt at all about her situation You can feel sympathy for her - but not guilt. She has made this choice out of her own free will and sorry if that comes across as a bit blunt. You should not want to be friends with her - and it also shows how much she cares about your feelings - being with someone else and still contacting you. As the previous poster says - delete her numbers and most important of all delete and block her from facebook otherwise you will have months of setbacks ahead. Do not contact her and do not reply to any contact she makes. If pushed why then you explain that you are moving on and no contact between you is for the best. The only contact you ever contemplate replying to is when she begs you to come back - and at that point you have all the power and you can decide what you want to do then. But i go back to her dumping you then going with someone else. Thats a total deal breaker and in Scotland a guy that takes a girl back after that is called a "soft touch" I realise you are hurting but it will get better - as soon as you accept there is no going back
ken_25 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Thanks for the reply. That really seems the best way to get over it so thanks for the advice. The issue is I still feel like I can get her back for some reason. She is with this other guy but I keep telling myself it wont last. We were so close for so long. If I am to go non-contact, and I get over her, what happens if she comes back? I dont want to push her away because I know she is struggling with her moms death but at the same time shes not reaching out to me, the one who held her hand when her mom passed. Well you are right, it won't last. But sometimes rebounds can last 2 years, sometimes longer. If you go NC and fully move on and she comes back, you're going to have a different perspective by then. Right now, you are blinded to certain things. After awhile you'll start to see why you should not be with her, and your desire to be with her will no longer be there. Personally, I wouldn't want to get back with someone who has left me and hooked up with someone. She is likely to do it again. Just for now, talk to friends, post anything you want on here, hang out with family, stay busy, try new things and do not contact her.
Author matt_22 Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 its not fair. I am unable to hookup with anyone else yet she is loving it. I gave her 5.5 years of my life and we shared everything together, we were both eachother's firsts. its so ****ed. I feel like such a loser; Im so down when I think about her but I cant help not to. Im trying the NC thing, and I dont expect her contact me but as long as I dont initiate anything maybe Ill be ok. She was absolutely perfect in every way I cant help to want her back even if she is with other guys which is so backwards and messed up but Im hopeless.
Kilty Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 its not fair. I am unable to hookup with anyone else yet she is loving it. I gave her 5.5 years of my life and we shared everything together, we were both eachother's firsts. its so ****ed. I feel like such a loser; Im so down when I think about her but I cant help not to. Im trying the NC thing, and I dont expect her contact me but as long as I dont initiate anything maybe Ill be ok. She was absolutely perfect in every way I cant help to want her back even if she is with other guys which is so backwards and messed up but Im hopeless. Right - first of all she is not perfect in every way - if she was she'd be in the latest blockbuster, walking the catwalk or appearing this week on the front page of a bestselling magazine ! You have her on a pedestal buddy - we have all been there. You feel like a loser ? Want to know what that is ? That's your bruised ego along with the shock - again we have all been there. And dont go imagining how she is feeling - it does no good at all. You are 22 right ? Life is like a packet of crisps - Taste every flavour before settling for plain ! Ok i know your ex wasnt plain but you should get the drift. Every emotion you are going through is understandable and common. Every one of us on here has experienced it. However if you want to feel even worse than you do now - then you get that by contacting her while she is with someone else. Look nobody knows what might happen. You might never hear from this girl again - or she might turn up at your door begging forgiveness. Whatever happens do not hang onto false hope or denial - the best things happen when you least expect them. I know exercise is probably the last thing on your mind but give it a try. Get yourself fit and in shape. Dress well and try and feel good about yourself And keep your head up high.
ken_25 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 its not fair. I am unable to hookup with anyone else yet she is loving it. I gave her 5.5 years of my life and we shared everything together, we were both eachother's firsts. its so ****ed. I feel like such a loser; Im so down when I think about her but I cant help not to. Im trying the NC thing, and I dont expect her contact me but as long as I dont initiate anything maybe Ill be ok. She was absolutely perfect in every way I cant help to want her back even if she is with other guys which is so backwards and messed up but Im hopeless. It's all going to change man. Don't get caught up in the it's not fair thing. Don't worry about getting with someone else. What she is doing is unhealthy, you not getting with someone is for the best. NC really works, you may slip up, but get right back to it. It's going to take time man, I know it sucks, but staying busy really helps get through. Like the previous poster said, she is on that pedestal right now. You're probably thinking you'll never find someone who made you as happy as she did, etc. Well reality is, you'll meet someone better, who will stick by you and fulfill you in ways your ex didn't. You aren't a loser, don't beat yourself up over this girl. We're all here for you, don't hesitate to post.
Author matt_22 Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 Thanks guys. The clarity is incredibly helpful.
Lucio Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 hey matt_22, considering that this is ur first dumpee experience, an advice: if u feel angry/sucky/sad, post it here, there's loads of us here who feel for u. never show it to her. because she won't feel/understand it, and it will push her further away to the new guy. and nv get drunk and call/text her. u don't need to feel obliged to be there to support her over her loss. if she wants to she will come to u herself.
Author matt_22 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 I definintley learnt that the hard way ^ I was determined to remain friends with her and 'be there for her' regardless of her finding this new guy and I always figured she would come back after she has seen how much I changed, however I quickly learnt after doign amazing things with her like going for coffee, or driving her home when she was drunk (mutual freinds party) it would only result in her, the next day, doing something with her new guy instead of drawing her closer to me. So Ive cut contact now for a week, however I was in her life for 3 months after the breakup so I dont know if she'll ever come back now even with the NC. I have realized the NC has helped me get over her more than easing out of it by staying in her life. I just dont think about her 24/7, but still a large majority of my day and I still love her deeply and care for her alot, but its easier being destracted while biding by NC. I hope Im able to get over her using this method, I hope it doesnt take long because I know I need to start seeing new girls so I can be healthy again and re focus myself.
silly_panda Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 It won't be easy doing NC... Sometimes you will miss her like mad and want to just pick up the phone and call her... You need to fight these temptations... If you are really determined to do it, good... We are all here to support you... No rush into getting a new relationship... Wait til you are fully ready and you will discover a whole new world out there... Good luck...
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