theladyem Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Hi all I've not posted to this forum before, and in fact, I registered because I am shattered and unsure who to turn to aside from anonymous advisors. I've been with my boyfriend for two years. In that time, I've moved across the country for him - he could not come to me as he has three children. I've turned down two proposals from other men who asked for my hand. I've lived with him and bonded with his children. I dream of marrying him. He turns me down. He has been married twice before, and does not want to marry again. I cannot help but take this personally. He knew from the start that I wanted to marry him - I told him that, and I have never said that to anyone else. He waited until we were a year into the relationship to tell me that he had no intention of marrying me. Since then, whenever I look at him and fall in love all over again, I pour my heart out to him, and he turns me down. My self esteem is in tatters and I feel that something is deeply wrong with me. He is 51 and I am 23. I have my own career, my own house and my own money. All I want, and all I've ever wanted was to have him declare me as special to him, loved. I am heartbroken. I do not know what to do. I do not wish to pressure him or be manipulative. So I take my tears and offer them to whomever is reading this - please help me, advise me.
Casablanca Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 You two are in two way different stages of your life (and Im not just talking age, though that is a big difference)...I know people his age who are multi-divorced and never plan to get married again...one of the best couples I know, they are both in their late 40s work together amazingly, but both have been married twice before and have no plan to get married again He knew from the start that I wanted to marry him - I told him that, and I have never said that to anyone else. You told him you wanted to marry him after barely knowing him??!!!
Author theladyem Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 Hi Casablanca, thanks for responding. Yes, you're right about the 'stages of life' thing. The thing is, I understand why he doesn't want to marry again. Hell, I wouldn't after all of that. I suppose I'm more asking for advice on how to reconcile this within myself - it's a change from my expectations about what would happen in life. When I say 'from the start', it was more a case of looking at him a few months in and realising (and spontaneously saying) 'I'm going to marry you one day'. As I recall, he smiled and kissed me. A year later, it became apparent that while he was touched and did not take my offer lightly, he would not be taking me up on it. Alas, mismatched expectations. I have no plans to break up with him, or try and force his hand - the idea is repulsive to me, not to say that it wouldn't work. I suppose I'm just after words from the view of someone who has been through this, and realises that marriage is not everything. A hopeful story, if you will. Or, perhaps I need a smack over the head with reality. Either way.
Frank13 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 I think one thing is that you want something you can't have. We all want what we can't have. This just makes the feelings for him stronger and you have to deal with that. I don't think there is much else I can say. If he won't give you what you want, but you aren't willing to leave, you are kind of stuck. I think in the end you will have had enough and move on.
spiderowl Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 He is in a different stage of life and probably has misread how much this would matter to you. But, he could have warned you that he wouldn't be offering you marriage and babies (don't know if the latter is an option or not). The age gap is so great and your expectations and desires of life are bound to be different. It seems unlikely to me you will continue to be with him, given that the discrepancy between your needs and his will continue to be apparent. I know you don't want to leave him and think it unfair on him, but don't you deserve to have your needs met too? If he's not going in the same direction, you may need to reconsider. Just a thought.
Hot Chick Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Hon, please consider breaking up with him and never looking back. You are young. Don't waste your "pretty" on an old man. When you are 40 and wanting to go out and have fun, you will have a guy almost 70....he won't have children with you, and if you stay, you will end up caring for an old man until he dies, while you still have vitality. Trust me, you will regret this later.
TrueColors Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 I've been with my boyfriend for two years. In that time, I've moved across the country for him - he could not come to me as he has three children. I've turned down two proposals from other men who asked for my hand. I've lived with him and bonded with his children. I dream of marrying him. He turns me down. He has been married twice before, and does not want to marry again. I cannot help but take this personally. He knew from the start that I wanted to marry him - I told him that, and I have never said that to anyone else. He waited until we were a year into the relationship to tell me that he had no intention of marrying me. Since then, whenever I look at him and fall in love all over again, I pour my heart out to him, and he turns me down. My self esteem is in tatters and I feel that something is deeply wrong with me. He is 51 and I am 23. I have my own career, my own house and my own money. All I want, and all I've ever wanted was to have him declare me as special to him, loved. Hi Ladyem, Apologies if I sound facetious, but why him? And were the other 2 proposals from previous serious relationships? One thing I've learnt from relationships is to not take things personally. On a logical level, you understand his refusal, but emotionally, this seems to be hitting something deeper. The bolded bits above I've highlighted because you might want to look more into this. I think the situation and the answers lie within you, not him. I know this sounds vague, but ultimately, you'll have to decide what's in your best interests, not just now, but in the future. What does marriage mean to you? Are you willing to sacrifice marriage to be with the man you love?
oldshirt Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Why on Earth were you even spending time, dating and getting involved with a twice divorce man over twice your age with kids in the first place???????:eek: Good Lord are young women still this naive and vulnerable in this day and age??? I honestly, truly, sincerely do not mean this to be mean-spirited or to put you down but you walked right into this and for no legitimate reason. As a 23 year old female you are at your most desirable and at your highest market value. Why were you even spending time with a 50 year old with a proven track record of broken marriages? You F'd up but don't take it too hard or be too hard on yourself, this is a rite of passage for many young women. You have now experienced the pain, disappointment and embarrasment of falling for an older and previously married man. You have now been there and done that so you can use this experience to warn other young women not to invest their hearts and their loins into older men with a string of wives and children (And I'm 47, married and with kids so it's OK for me to say that) Realize that while young men your age may seem awkward and immature they can still be good guys and can be a legitimate match for you. A 50 year old with a string of other relationships and flings behind him is going to know exactly what to say and what to do and how to act to get you hooked on a string to get in your pants and have fun with you and keep you on string untill he decides he's had enough. Lick your wounds and heal and then keep this is mind as a life lesson and share it with your daughters and nieces and other young women in your life. It hurts now but you will bounce back and heal quickly and life will be good again in no time.
Casablanca Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Hon, please consider breaking up with him and never looking back. You are young. Don't waste your "pretty" on an old man. When you are 40 and wanting to go out and have fun, you will have a guy almost 70....he won't have children with you, and if you stay, you will end up caring for an old man until he dies, while you still have vitality. Trust me, you will regret this later. This is my recommendation
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