Lostinlife4now Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Well after a month of NC from xMM he got in touch with me yesterday. Wondering how I was doing, blah blah blah....the conversation went to "Cant' we be friends"? I want and need you in my life. I love your friendship and the person you are..... My response, if your wife says it is ok...then we can be friends.... A friend to me is: -someone I can call or text anytime.... -someone I can depend on for help such a car accident or a flat tire..... -someone I can share my thoughts with about say the man I am dating..... -someone who can really be there just for me and I them...... I don't think he knows what a friend is or how a friend is to act. We cannot be friends because of the past relationship that we have shared. Plain and simple.... He wants the friendship to be on his terms...only talk about certain things like his children or his job....can't have boundaries on a friendship IMO. He wants both bites at the apple....Such an immature man...can't have it both ways....you chose to stay in a marriage that you are merely existing (his words) for the stability of your children...You made a mistake because you married young and did not know what you wanted in a wife...(not my problem). So now I am on the path of showing him HOW WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS..... Texts, e-mails, phone calls....well isn't that what friends do? Share life???? 1
jwi71 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Well after a month of NC from xMM he got in touch with me yesterday. Wondering how I was doing, blah blah blah....the conversation went to "Cant' we be friends"? I want and need you in my life. I love your friendship and the person you are..... My response, if your wife says it is ok...then we can be friends.... A friend to me is: -someone I can call or text anytime.... -someone I can depend on for help such a car accident or a flat tire..... -someone I can share my thoughts with about say the man I am dating..... -someone who can really be there just for me and I them...... I don't think he knows what a friend is or how a friend is to act. We cannot be friends because of the past relationship that we have shared. Plain and simple.... He wants the friendship to be on his terms...only talk about certain things like his children or his job....can't have boundaries on a friendship IMO. He wants both bites at the apple....Such an immature man...can't have it both ways....you chose to stay in a marriage that you are merely existing (his words) for the stability of your children...You made a mistake because you married young and did not know what you wanted in a wife...(not my problem). So now I am on the path of showing him HOW WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS..... Texts, e-mails, phone calls....well isn't that what friends do? Share life???? Why is it up to YOU to show him you can't be friends? How did that become YOUR job? My advice, delete and block him from contacting you - you aren't his teacher and neither of you are good for the other. Or you can drag this sordid game out more months with all this childish game playing. Block, delete and move on - its going to happen eventually so do it now.
RainDown Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 I say take him up on it. Be friends. Call him at home when you need something. Drop by his house to borrow things. Send he and his wife an invitation to your child's graduation. Ask him to babysit. Invite them to your next dinner party. Introduce yourself to his wife and let her get to know you. Chances are, he'll quickly change his mind about the whole "friends" thing.
Author Lostinlife4now Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 Hi jwi71! Thanks for responding! I want to prove him wrong...He is one of those types THAT HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT...well not this time buddy. Eventually it will lead to me not talking to him at all or his w finding out. So time will tell..oh and by the way...I AM A GREAT TEACHER....... RainDown....I so hear you! I can do that so easy too! This should be fun......
Confused4Now Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 I say take him up on it. Be friends. Call him at home when you need something. Drop by his house to borrow things. Send he and his wife an invitation to your child's graduation. Ask him to babysit. Invite them to your next dinner party. Introduce yourself to his wife and let her get to know you. Chances are, he'll quickly change his mind about the whole "friends" thing.I seriously wouldn't waste another minute with this guy. He's already shown you what kind of friend he can be. With friends like him who needs enemies and I'm sure your kidding RD...he's not worth the energy.
RainDown Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 I seriously wouldn't waste another minute with this guy. He's already shown you what kind of friend he can be. With friends like him who needs enemies and I'm sure your kidding RD...he's not worth the energy. Of course I'm kidding. I wouldn't give the guy the time of day, much less be friends with him. I just think it would be amusing to watch how quickly he changes his mind about being "friends" once I filled him in on the rules. I'm kind of evil like that.
CrazyMom Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 OP, thank you for this post. You've already gotten some great advice so I just wanted to say this... I am a MW and started an EA with an OM that was supposed to just be a friendship. Even after it progressed into a slightly PA (we didn't sleep together) and I started to develop deeper feelings I still wanted to continue being friends with him. I think my view of friendship, as it pertains to him, is a little off. Well, obviously it is. Posts like these really help me because it allows me to put myself in OM's shoes and makes me feel absolutely horrible. I can't stand the thought of not having him in my life so asking for friendship seemed rational to me at the time. These boards remind me every day of how selfish I've really been. But I need to read this stuff, so thank you.
Author Lostinlife4now Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 Of course I'm kidding. I wouldn't give the guy the time of day, much less be friends with him. I just think it would be amusing to watch how quickly he changes his mind about being "friends" once I filled him in on the rules. I'm kind of evil like that. Hi RainDown! I got a little of evil in me too! And I like that I can be feisty and off the beaten path every once in a while, get my drift!
Author Lostinlife4now Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 I seriously wouldn't waste another minute with this guy. He's already shown you what kind of friend he can be. With friends like him who needs enemies and I'm sure your kidding RD...he's not worth the energy. Thanks Confused4Now! So hear you on this one...These posts are the ones that I need to READ!!!!!! CrazyMom - You are welcome..If my experiences in life day to day or year to year can help someone else...then I have done something good today! Thank you Jesus!!!!!
fooled once Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Why is it up to YOU to show him you can't be friends? How did that become YOUR job? My advice, delete and block him from contacting you - you aren't his teacher and neither of you are good for the other. Or you can drag this sordid game out more months with all this childish game playing. Block, delete and move on - its going to happen eventually so do it now. I agree. I also wouldn't waste any more time or energy on him or 'teaching' him whatever it is you are trying to do. Sounds to me like you are willing to 'teach' him so you can keep contact with him.
Gentlegirl Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Yes ...turn up at his front door and announce you are his friend to the wife and you just dropped by for coffee and to make her acquaintance. Friends are able to pop into each other's houses aren't they? He would wet his pants for sure. Frankly I don't think you will ever teach him anything, because he doesn't want to know. He just wants to know that he can reel you back into his game and he has. It's also a great excuse for you to be in touch with him again.. Do you want to prolong the contact? It will eventually all blow up again and then it will be harder to go NC again. Let him go. it's just a play to get you back in touch again. GG
MissBee Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Well after a month of NC from xMM he got in touch with me yesterday. Wondering how I was doing, blah blah blah....the conversation went to "Cant' we be friends"? I want and need you in my life. I love your friendship and the person you are..... My response, if your wife says it is ok...then we can be friends.... A friend to me is: -someone I can call or text anytime.... -someone I can depend on for help such a car accident or a flat tire..... -someone I can share my thoughts with about say the man I am dating..... -someone who can really be there just for me and I them...... I don't think he knows what a friend is or how a friend is to act. We cannot be friends because of the past relationship that we have shared. Plain and simple.... He wants the friendship to be on his terms...only talk about certain things like his children or his job....can't have boundaries on a friendship IMO. He wants both bites at the apple....Such an immature man...can't have it both ways....you chose to stay in a marriage that you are merely existing (his words) for the stability of your children...You made a mistake because you married young and did not know what you wanted in a wife...(not my problem). So now I am on the path of showing him HOW WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS..... Texts, e-mails, phone calls....well isn't that what friends do? Share life???? Sounds like the same thing my ex asked..... I think it's sometimes normal to want to be friends with someone you were involved with BUT I think a lot of times it's motivated by selfishness, whether consciously or unconsciously, in which the "friendship" would be very awkward, forced and one-sided. I think that most people cannot be friends with an exAP or ex regular bf/gf until quite some time later when there are no feelings, you've moved on and you can genuinely interact and treat them as you would any of your other friends. Good for you in seeing that reality and not deluding yourself either!
MissBee Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 (edited) Yes ...turn up at his front door and announce you are his friend to the wife and you just dropped by for coffee and to make her acquaintance. Friends are able to pop into each other's houses aren't they? He would wet his pants for sure. Frankly I don't think you will ever teach him anything, because he doesn't want to know. He just wants to know that he can reel you back into his game and he has. It's also a great excuse for you to be in touch with him again.. Do you want to prolong the contact? It will eventually all blow up again and then it will be harder to go NC again. Let him go. it's just a play to get you back in touch again. GG Smh Come to think of it: NO MAN (exes or men who were making my acquaintance for the first time) who has asked me to "be friends" ever really meant that genuinely....they ALL expected things that were not very friendly at all.... All my genuine male friends are people who I knew through school, volunteering or some other activity in which the friendship developed naturally, as it would with my female friends. Men who pursue supposed friendships are usually up to something...as no one pursues a friendship....it forms organically, hence the very strange and often unsuccessful nature of post-breakup friendships, as they are very inorganic, contrived and often have ulterior motives and unclear expectations. Edited October 2, 2011 by MissBee
Author Lostinlife4now Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 Good Morning Everyone! Thank you for your words of wisdom! But I know EXACTLY what he is doing. He is trying to keep me around to see if I will fall or fold and give him another chance....But you know why I will not see him again is the fact that I don't find him SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE anymore. Yes that's right, I am one of those type of woman that needs to be attracted to the person that she is sleeping with... And all I see him as is a disgusting, narcissistic, pussified man...Man, no I don't think I would even use that term for him. I know he walks around his house like he is "THE MAN"....LOL....if they only knew what a scumbag he really is.... So, kind people, there is NO CHANCE that I will ever be with him again. But I do like busting his balls and letting him know who I am dating.... He says "Its Hurtful" to know that I am seeing someone else....No you mean several someone elses'....... And this is where the "SCORNED WOMAN" comes into play....I told him to buy the book and READ IT....
Yianks Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 He says "Its Hurtful" to know that I am seeing someone else....No you mean several someone elses'....... Its not hurt, its ego. He wants you to give him exclusivity because he knows that a good R with someone else will eventually end the A. Is that fair for you however? Afterall, he is not alone either.
jj33 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Good Morning Everyone! Thank you for your words of wisdom! But I know EXACTLY what he is doing. He is trying to keep me around to see if I will fall or fold and give him another chance....But you know why I will not see him again is the fact that I don't find him SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE anymore. Yes that's right, I am one of those type of woman that needs to be attracted to the person that she is sleeping with... And all I see him as is a disgusting, narcissistic, pussified man...Man, no I don't think I would even use that term for him. I know he walks around his house like he is "THE MAN"....LOL....if they only knew what a scumbag he really is.... So, kind people, there is NO CHANCE that I will ever be with him again. But I do like busting his balls and letting him know who I am dating.... He says "Its Hurtful" to know that I am seeing someone else....No you mean several someone elses'....... And this is where the "SCORNED WOMAN" comes into play....I told him to buy the book and READ IT.... It sounds like you are working out your anger on him and noone deserves it more! If for no other reason than this lets be friends because I want as much of you as you will let me have on my terms But as for not feeding him, you are feeding him by engaging in any contact. Illogical as it seems as long as you are communicating with him, you are feeding his need to be in touch with you. Do it was long as it serves your purposes but dont think that you are pushing him away. I found that no matter what I said or how many times I said it, it was always construed as she still loves me. Shes still talking to me. She still cares enough to want me to know x or y, in your case you still care enough to want him to be jealous that you are dating. When you are ready for it, the best way not to be someone's friend is to stop communicating with them. Hes still getting your time and attention. Once you cut off his air supply, then he knows he cant have you as his friend. At this point I suspect hes thinking that if he rides this out, then you will calm down and you will be friends, or maybe lovers again. I know you say you dont want that but I suspect hes not reading the situation the same way you are. Maybe you will be friends at some point, but until there is a lot of distance it usually tricky. And even with distance, its not always possible. Transitioning from lovers to Im married but i need you in my life on my terms is not a friendship as you so rightly said. hang in there.
Author Lostinlife4now Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 All of you are such WONDERFUL people! I hear what all of you are saying! And thank you for caring enough to post. But I still have this little itch in the back of my mind to TELL HIS WIFE..... Why should he get off scott free? Jus sayin"
jj33 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Understand the sentiment but that RARELY ends well. In 6 months or a year when you look back you will be glad you didnt and may be very sorry if you do. You have NO idea how she may react and how it may backfire on you.
Author Lostinlife4now Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 Understand the sentiment but that RARELY ends well. In 6 months or a year when you look back you will be glad you didnt and may be very sorry if you do. You have NO idea how she may react and how it may backfire on you. Hear you! But I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE! I am single and my daughter knew about him....So really I am in a Win Win Situation...But him otherwise? Don't think so....
So Very Confused Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 I have walked in your shoes. I couldn't bare the though of never hearing from my xMM again and he felt the same way about me so we tried being friends instead of cutting contact. In some ways it's helped me to see the ugly, immature, selfish side of him. Through our "friendship" he's continued to try and manipulate me by getting angry and insulting every time I have a date with someone else and numerous other "infractions". He gets butthurt if I don't text him enough over the weekends or respond to his phone call soon enough or whatever. I think that every Monday he gets mad at me about something and spends the next couple of days insulting me and trying to instigate drama. Then when he realizes I'm not going to fold and go running back to him and that his manipulations were fruitless, he wants to be "friends" again. Then the same routine starts over. blah blah blah I can finally say - WHATEVER! He's not a friend. He just wants to keep me dangling. He's not happy for me when I'm happy. He doesn't want to be honest and genuine with me about what is happening in his life. He just wants to know I'm home alone pining away for him. He has a million excuses about why that isn't true, but his actions speak louder than words. I've been through the cycle enough times to know exactly what will happen. Mark my words, I haven't heard from him since Thursday but tomorrow (Monday) he'll be trying to convince me that we would be together if only I hadn't (insert whatever trangression he's invented that I've committed). So I'll tell him to go F himself and he'll spew vitriol a couple of days and write me a goodbye email about how it's over and then be back in contact after a couple of days. Since continuing to stay in contact and be "friends" has helped me to see him for who he really is (I think he's psycho!), I can't say it's a bad thing. I can say that if I would have completely cut contact, I would have had a lot less drama and turmoil. Only you can decide what is best for you. From my experience you are correct and the MM doesn't really want to be friends. He has ulterior motives of some kind. If he really wanted to be your friend, he'd set you free to move on with your life and treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve.
Author Lostinlife4now Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 Hi soveryconfused! Loved your post! Don't let xmm manipulate you! Tell him to Fu.. off. I do agree with you though that I want him to hear how happy I am WITHOUT him in my life.....so that's why I still very sparingly keep in contact with him. He is miserable...Oh well.....He says he is merely existing but he could never and would never hurt his children. So good for you..but how is that possible when you are not a Husband to their Mother....I just don't get that. And from what I understand, she doesn't want him neither.....So let them live in misery, it will come back to bite him in the ass one day. And I hope I am there to see it......
HalfAlive22 Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Hi soveryconfused! Loved your post! Don't let xmm manipulate you! Tell him to Fu.. off. I do agree with you though that I want him to hear how happy I am WITHOUT him in my life.....so that's why I still very sparingly keep in contact with him. He is miserable...Oh well.....He says he is merely existing but he could never and would never hurt his children. So good for you..but how is that possible when you are not a Husband to their Mother....I just don't get that. And from what I understand, she doesn't want him neither.....So let them live in misery, it will come back to bite him in the ass one day. And I hope I am there to see it...... As a bs...tell her! He may have cheated before,and you dont know it,its almist lije your talking about my h..he always has to be right lol
Emme Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Lostinlife4now, your post is taking me down memory lane and I just can't stop laughing . Why do people try to live a lie. Oh I remember those days, noting but a big FAIL! I like your attitude. Keep it... It will save you from a lot of heartache.
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