Analysis, doubt and insanity

[SteveS]

I'm not going to recount my story (here if anyone is interested or wants context http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t284357/) but will say I was the OM and my xMW after years of inconsistency and yo-yoing suddenly broke off contact and has vanished from my life with an air of indifference which as stirred up countless emotions of:

- rejection

- confusion

- doubt at what we had

- paranoia that she's found someone else

- regret

- etc

 

All which are driving me insane. Though I'm okay with the breakup as I really do think it was the best thing that could have happened for both our sakes and understand why she left, and even why she left like she did the above emotions make me want to contact her to get answers. Reading the threads on LS I can see I'm not the only one in this boat.

 

The way I see it I could try and contact her - to get a false sense of closure however the reality is:

1 - I'll just irritate her further

2 - She'll agree to meet. Be a bitch. Break my heart sending me back to square 1

3 - She'll agree to meet. Sparks will fly and we'll end up back in each other's arms.

 

So a lose lose lose situation. I get that. Just good to write it down.

 

What I don't get is why do we feel these negative emotions. Its not as if we were in a normal relationship. We don't have rights like husbands and wives.

 

- rejection - well she was never mine to begin with. Every moment we had was stolen. She simply went back to her husband and family.

 

- confusion - whats to be confused about. She chose her husband and family. Hardly confusing.

 

- doubt at what we had - why should a break up affect what we had? Every moment was real. What was said and done was true at the time. Things end.

 

- paranoia that she's found someone else - is that a case of she can't be trusted because she had an affair with me? Or is it a belief that her M is terrible so if she's not with me she has to be with someone else? The reality is she's allowed to do what she wants with whoever she wants.

 

- regret. Again why regret? What we had was beautiful and it ended. Appreciate the good moments and move on. Try and find a normal relationship.

 

 

Haha I think I needed to write all this down! Thanks for listening

 

S.x

[anne1707]

Don't beat yourself up about the pain and confusion you are feeling. You ask why you feel this way. It's because you're human, simple as that. You cared about someone and they let you down. I would be more concerned if you did not feel anything.

 

You will get through this. Good days, bad days, but you will feel stronger in time.

[Kitsune77]

Steve, the end of any long term relationship that ends without explanation is incredibly painful. And this is not just special to married people. And i belive that when you have loved someone, shared parts of your life and been intimate with them, you DO have a right to an explanation... Weather tgey are married or not, but most oeople wre not that honest, or brave. They preffer to run away.

One of the few LTR I had ended very abrupty years ago, we were engaged, lived together for 6 years... And I could never get any answers from him. He went from being the love of my life, to a distant stranger.. It did my head in for about 2 years.

I have read your other posts, and I think your MW is just putting some distance, as you are not being as compliant as you were. She's probably just waiting for the dust to settle.

Don't dwell on thoughts she never lived you, or it was meaningless to her, she probably loved(and still does) love you very much, but doesn't have the courage to be honest with you, hence the bitchiness, which is a way of

covering up vulnerability.

I found out years later that my ex was gutted over our breakup, but his running away and not talking to me certainly didn't let me know.

Steve, I know how awful this feeling is, remember why you have broken it off though, the relationship didn't make you feel good. Please be kind to yourself.

(( hugs))

 

QUOTE=SteveS;3654751]I'm not going to recount my story (here if anyone is interested or wants context http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t284357/) but will say I was the OM and my xMW after years of inconsistency and yo-yoing suddenly broke off contact and has vanished from my life with an air of indifference which as stirred up countless emotions of:

- rejection

- confusion

- doubt at what we had

- paranoia that she's found someone else

- regret

- etc

 

All which are driving me insane. Though I'm okay with the breakup as I really do think it was the best thing that could have happened for both our sakes and understand why she left, and even why she left like she did the above emotions make me want to contact her to get answers. Reading the threads on LS I can see I'm not the only one in this boat.

 

The way I see it I could try and contact her - to get a false sense of closure however the reality is:

1 - I'll just irritate her further

2 - She'll agree to meet. Be a bitch. Break my heart sending me back to square 1

3 - She'll agree to meet. Sparks will fly and we'll end up back in each other's arms.

 

So a lose lose lose situation. I get that. Just good to write it down.

 

What I don't get is why do we feel these negative emotions. Its not as if we were in a normal relationship. We don't have rights like husbands and wives.

 

- rejection - well she was never mine to begin with. Every moment we had was stolen. She simply went back to her husband and family.

 

- confusion - whats to be confused about. She chose her husband and family. Hardly confusing.

 

- doubt at what we had - why should a break up affect what we had? Every moment was real. What was said and done was true at the time. Things end.

 

- paranoia that she's found someone else - is that a case of she can't be trusted because she had an affair with me? Or is it a belief that her M is terrible so if she's not with me she has to be with someone else? The reality is she's allowed to do what she wants with whoever she wants.

 

- regret. Again why regret? What we had was beautiful and it ended. Appreciate the good moments and move on. Try and find a normal relationship.

 

 

Haha I think I needed to write all this down! Thanks for listening

 

S.x

[East7]

Steve,

it is perfectly normal to feel those mixed feelings.

 

I was in your shoes after the end of the A, wondering if xMW ever really loved me, if all was a lie etc. It is normal and it took me 2-3 months to begin accepting the reality and move on. It hurts like hell, it hurts more than the end of a normal relationship.

 

The key is ACCEPTANCE, that she is gone and you can't do nothing about it. Her choices are her choices.

 

Does the reasons really matter ? Only the result counts.

 

She didn't want to change her life. No one stays where they don't want to be, so let her there where she is and move on with your life.

 

You will find out how many amazing women are out there and you will arrive (like me) in a moment you will be like "WTF-was-I thinking". It will literally disgust you to having had an A with another's man's wife.

 

 

The way I see it I could try and contact her - to get a false sense of closure however the reality is:

1 - I'll just irritate her further

2 - She'll agree to meet. Be a bitch. Break my heart sending me back to square 1

3 - She'll agree to meet. Sparks will fly and we'll end up back in each other's arms.

 

Contacting her is the dumbest thing to do and you will receive a big slap. Contacting her will make you a doormat and give her the opportunity to hurt you again.

 

Option 2 is more likely to happen : She may accept to see you and act completely detached and hurtful bitch. She will tell you how it was insignificant for her and you should move on.

 

Since she ended it without any options for you, walk away with dignity and stay NC.

Edited October 1, 2011 by East7

[OpenBook]

Don't beat yourself up about the pain and confusion you are feeling. You ask why you feel this way. It's because you're human, simple as that. You cared about someone and they let you down. I would be more concerned if you did not feel anything.

 

You will get through this. Good days, bad days, but you will feel stronger in time.

 

Ditto!! and beautifully worded. If I were in your position, OP, this gentle reminder is what would comfort me. Welcome to the human race. (And aint it grand, haha.)

 

It's entirely possible (even probable?) that she disappeared due to reasons that have NOTHING to do with you.

 

Getting involved with her was a huge risk from the start. But you already knew that.

 

You've just got to keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep moving forward. Oddly, the things that helped me as I was making my painful walks out of badly-ended Rs were tiny little everyday things that had absolutely NOTHING to do with him. Like a random conversation with a little kid. Solving a complex IT issue at work. Drinking an ice-cold glass of milk. Finding the perfect pair of pumps.

 

I sorted out the mess in my head (the residual damage from the R) as I went along. Over a period of months, even years. You don't have to resolve everything at once. Just keep moving.

[RickFox]

Well, if you didn't feel these emotions, you definietly wouldn't be here and you'd probably be out there killing people.

 

Ive got good days and bad days.........my questions remain unanswered and she treats me the same way. I can't do a thing about it and it kills me cause I am the kind of person who wants answers.

 

Take it day by day.....that's all you can do.

[siuys]

Well, if you didn't feel these emotions, you definietly wouldn't be here and you'd probably be out there killing people.

 

Ive got good days and bad days.........my questions remain unanswered and she treats me the same way. I can't do a thing about it and it kills me cause I am the kind of person who wants answers.

 

Take it day by day.....that's all you can do.

 

Unfortunately in the majority of the cases you won't really get answers. In a way, I had the opportunity to have a go with xMM but there are still many, many unanswered questions. You will have to find closure yourself. At the end of the day, if you look at the big picture, it really doesn't matter what the reasons are. The situation is so f-ed up answers don't matter. I agree, it's a nasty way of ending things, and it shows how selfish the other person is.

[SteveS]

Thank you all - it really has helped being reminded what I'm feeling are normal human emotions. And yes I need to stop obsessing....

 

Thought for the day:

 

I'm guessing the majority of people on this site really were in an emotional love rather than purely a physical lust with their MM / MW / OM / OW so would be affected by the end of the affair. Those the reality this there is no difference between us and serial adulterers that "emotional love" adds a dimension of justification and romance. The fact I was sleeping with another person's wife matters less as it was a noble love. And if it was to end it should be with a bittersweet melancholy, a last romantic afternoon, long conversations, declarations of eternal love and a final kiss, leaving without turning around and remaining fondly in each other's hearts until the day we die.

 

I blame Casablanca.

 

I need to get over the romance of this situation and accept reality. As Siuys said "the situation is so f-ed up answers don't matter. I agree, it's a nasty way of ending things, and it shows how selfish the other person is."

[OpenBook]

The fact I was sleeping with another person's wife matters less as it was a noble love.

 

No. It's still wrong to sleep with another person's spouse. No getting around that. It's anything but noble.

 

But I'm in no position to judge you or anyone else for it.

[jennymore]

Hi, Steve

been following your story since July as I also broke up with my OM at that time. I initiated NC and he called me couple of times and we met up. meeting him was a torture as he told me he was seeing someone. actually I was the one who asked him to date and meet single women and I should be feeling relieved as we could really break it off.....but accepting it peacefully is another thing. It really takes time.

 

I want to know how is your relationship with your new GF?Can't this new relationship help you to get over your MW?

[Yianks]

Hi, Steve

been following your story since July as I also broke up with my OM at that time. I initiated NC and he called me couple of times and we met up. meeting him was a torture as he told me he was seeing someone. actually I was the one who asked him to date and meet single women and I should be feeling relieved as we could really break it off.....but accepting it peacefully is another thing. It really takes time.

 

I want to know how is your relationship with your new GF?Can't this new relationship help you to get over your MW?

 

Hello jennymore,

 

if you dont mind my asking, why did you initiated NC? Neither of you wanted to be with each other, or just you?

[East7]

Hi, Steve

been following your story since July as I also broke up with my OM at that time. I initiated NC and he called me couple of times and we met up. meeting him was a torture as he told me he was seeing someone. actually I was the one who asked him to date and meet single women and I should be feeling relieved as we could really break it off.....but accepting it peacefully is another thing. It really takes time.

 

I want to know how is your relationship with your new GF?Can't this new relationship help you to get over your MW?

 

Have you ever cared about how your OM feels, knowing that you are with your H everyday?

[jennymore]

Well, I tried to break it off with OM 2 years ago-NC for 2 months but slipped and got back together. On and off for another year until I couldn't bear it anymore. The affair was really eating me alive:the guilt, the jealousy(OM tells me about some women he's been seeing). I think he wants the best of both sides of the world-me as a back-up. To be honest, the past few years were like hell to me. I think it cuts deep because he was my ex boyfriend before I got married 14 years ago.

[Yianks]

Have you ever cared about how your OM feels, knowing that you are with your H everyday?

 

East7, the OM has no feelings, no rights because he approached a MP. Therefore, he is always treated as a second degree material and the moment he 'demands' a better life is the time when the MP has guilty feelings.

 

Furthermore, the OM should not continue with his life until the MW decides what to do. God forbits, if he ever tries.

[Yianks]

Well, I tried to break it off with OM 2 years ago-NC for 2 months but slipped and got back together. On and off for another year until I couldn't bear it anymore. The affair was really eating me alive:the guilt, the jealousy(OM tells me about some women he's been seeing). I think he wants the best of both sides of the world-me as a back-up. To be honest, the past few years were like hell to me. I think it cuts deep because he was my ex boyfriend before I got married 14 years ago.

 

How could he possibly date other women????????

 

I am sure he wants the best of both sides and you are certainly not a cake eater.

[East7]

East7, the OM has no feelings, no rights because he approached a MP. Therefore, he is always treated as a second degree material and the moment he 'demands' a better life is the time when the MP has guilty feelings.

 

Furthermore, the OM should not continue with his life until the MW decides what to do. God forbits, if he ever tries.

 

:laugh:

Yeah, how does he dare to ask for more? Oh and wait, that jerk wants to see other women !

 

Well, I tried to break it off with OM 2 years ago-NC for 2 months but slipped and got back together. On and off for another year until I couldn't bear it anymore. The affair was really eating me alive:the guilt, the jealousy(OM tells me about some women he's been seeing). I think he wants the best of both sides of the world-me as a back-up. To be honest, the past few years were like hell to me. I think it cuts deep because he was my ex boyfriend before I got married 14 years ago.

 

Jenny, I think you are reversing the roles. Did your OM wanted a real daylight relationship with you ? If yes, who is the cake-eater?

[jennymore]

:laugh:

Yeah, how does he dare to ask for more? Oh and wait, that jerk wants to see other women !

 

 

 

Jenny, I think you are reversing the roles. Did your OM wanted a real daylight relationship with you ? If yes, who is the cake-eater?

 

No but I wanted one at the very beginning. I do have to admit that after this, I got to know the OM and myself better and no more fantasy for him. thanks for helping me to reflect.

[SteveS]

Hi, Steve

been following your story since July as I also broke up with my OM at that time. I initiated NC and he called me couple of times and we met up. meeting him was a torture as he told me he was seeing someone. actually I was the one who asked him to date and meet single women and I should be feeling relieved as we could really break it off.....but accepting it peacefully is another thing. It really takes time.

 

I want to know how is your relationship with your new GF?Can't this new relationship help you to get over your MW?

 

Hey Jennymore - Thank you for following The relationship with the new girlfriend is okay; I think we both accept this isn't a long term thing but for now its fun to hang out, talk, be intimate etc. Two single adults neither of which are looking for a relationship, in an adult friends with benefits type friendship with a side order of therapy

 

She knows I'm still in love with my xMW and she actually said I need to meet someone else who I can fall in love with and I suspect she's right. But I know I'm not ready to put my heart on my sleeve yet - terrified of having it torn to shreads! Im enjoying this time to think e.g. today I realised that my xMW probably was in a relationship with me for the first year of our affair but then has spent the last 2 years trying unsuccessfully to escape....unsuccessfully because we'd always meet to talk and end up in each other's arms. I also understand 2 years of doing that destroyed her soul which is why she's left the way she has.

 

Understanding this is easy. Accepting this however takes time!

 

I see you've been in a similar situation - trying to leave, yo-yo'ing. If you don't mind me asking - whats the guilt, turmoil like? And why if you're feeling it did you continue to stay in the A. And I suppose final question - did you end up hating your OM for making you feel that guilt?

 

I really do wish you all the best.x

[fooled once]

Ditto!! and beautifully worded. If I were in your position, OP, this gentle reminder is what would comfort me. Welcome to the human race. (And aint it grand, haha.)

 

It's entirely possible (even probable?) that she disappeared due to reasons that have NOTHING to do with you.

 

Getting involved with her was a huge risk from the start. But you already knew that.

 

You've just got to keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep moving forward. Oddly, the things that helped me as I was making my painful walks out of badly-ended Rs were tiny little everyday things that had absolutely NOTHING to do with him. Like a random conversation with a little kid. Solving a complex IT issue at work. Drinking an ice-cold glass of milk. Finding the perfect pair of pumps.

 

I sorted out the mess in my head (the residual damage from the R) as I went along. Over a period of months, even years. You don't have to resolve everything at once. Just keep moving.

 

great post!! Totally agree, especially with the bolded!

 

No. It's still wrong to sleep with another person's spouse. No getting around that. It's anything but noble.

 

 

ditto again!

[wannabdone]

I'm not going to recount my story (here if anyone is interested or wants context http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t284357/) but will say I was the OM and my xMW after years of inconsistency and yo-yoing suddenly broke off contact and has vanished from my life with an air of indifference which as stirred up countless emotions of:

- rejection

- confusion

- doubt at what we had

- paranoia that she's found someone else

- regret

- etc

 

All which are driving me insane. Though I'm okay with the breakup as I really do think it was the best thing that could have happened for both our sakes and understand why she left, and even why she left like she did the above emotions make me want to contact her to get answers. Reading the threads on LS I can see I'm not the only one in this boat.

 

The way I see it I could try and contact her - to get a false sense of closure however the reality is:

1 - I'll just irritate her further

2 - She'll agree to meet. Be a bitch. Break my heart sending me back to square 1

3 - She'll agree to meet. Sparks will fly and we'll end up back in each other's arms.

 

So a lose lose lose situation. I get that. Just good to write it down.

 

What I don't get is why do we feel these negative emotions. Its not as if we were in a normal relationship. We don't have rights like husbands and wives.

 

- rejection - well she was never mine to begin with. Every moment we had was stolen. She simply went back to her husband and family.

 

- confusion - whats to be confused about. She chose her husband and family. Hardly confusing.

 

- doubt at what we had - why should a break up affect what we had? Every moment was real. What was said and done was true at the time. Things end.

 

- paranoia that she's found someone else - is that a case of she can't be trusted because she had an affair with me? Or is it a belief that her M is terrible so if she's not with me she has to be with someone else? The reality is she's allowed to do what she wants with whoever she wants.

 

- regret. Again why regret? What we had was beautiful and it ended. Appreciate the good moments and move on. Try and find a normal relationship.

 

 

Haha I think I needed to write all this down! Thanks for listening

 

S.x

 

 

We aren't in a real relationship? We don't have the rights because we are the OW/OM? I disagree. Whether the grounds of what your R is.... it is real. There was emotion and love. There will be hurt that comes from that. I disagree that you have no rights and it wasn't real. I know each instance is different. but my A was very real, and the hurt is justified.

[jennymore]

Hi, Steve

 

My OM is pretty much in the same situation as yours.:pHe told me the day I broke up with him he was a zombie!

 

So he started dating someone formally after we split in June, the sort of not-long-term thing, looking for some comfort.

 

Looking back, a year after the affair, I always thought I could handle it because it seemed like we had established sort of a `routine' thing; it was fine when we spent time together. But when I got home, I needed to face my husband and children and I had to lie and act to get by. Imagine the guilt and pressure you have to undergo 6 days a week!

 

So you can understnd the yo-yoing thing--fine to see him but terrible when not seeing him. I just want a way out of this! I am not saying I don't love OM, but if you truly love a person, won't you want him to have the best;in OM's case, it surely is to leave him alone and let him develop a proper relationship with a single woman.

 

It hurts to maintain NC; the OM contacted me again(using a new e-mail) and wanted to see me and be friends again. Steve, do you think I should contact him given what I have said?

[jennymore]

As for your question--No, Steve, I don't hate him, why should I? we are adults. Shouldn't we be grateful that we had some good times together? We just need to accept that it is over, just like the expiry date on canned food.

[SteveS]

Hey Jennymore: I really do believe in consistency in relationships. Either you're in a relationship or you're not. An affair isn't really a relationship regardless of how it feels so you can't have consistency. Without it someone always gets hurt. I saw my xMW today (feel free to find the post!) and I feel more confused than ever. in fact I wish I didn't see her as I was feeling I was making progress getting on with my life. As you said if you love someone you want them to have the best. Because of your guilt and your being married you can't give him that.

 

I really do hope you're okay.xx

[East7]

it was fine when we spent time together. But when I got home, I needed to face my husband and children and I had to lie and act to get by. Imagine the guilt and pressure you have to undergo 6 days a week!

 

Poor girl. This must be exhausting. So hard to keep 2 men happy..

 

As for your question--No, Steve, I don't hate him, why should I? we are adults. Shouldn't we be grateful that we had some good times together? We just need to accept that it is over, just like the expiry date on canned food.

 

This is the meanest thing I have ever heard. Tell this to your OM, I hope he is not stupid enough to pursue you.

[SteveS]

Oh be nice East7. It wasn't the best of metaphors but its true things do have an expiry date on a can of dogfood or a halcyon summer's evening. All you can do is accept it and not eat the out of date dogfood...