Tell me I'm not crazy

October 1, 2011

So here goes... I've been married for just over 8 years & we have been through alot together. In the very beginning it was really great.fast forward 6 years, we have a baby girl whom we adore. But the last 2 years it's been not good. We haven't had sex in 2 years! The crazy thing is I have no desire to be intamite with him at all. We don't talk to comminicate. I feel as though I have fallen out of love with him. I love him but not in the way a wife should love her husband. So we have had a few "talks" & haven't really come to an understanding. He suggested we do a start over, you know to do all the courting and crap u do in the beginning. I want to try a break and go to IC then CC. I can't continue to live with a person I'm no longer in love with. We are just room mates that sleep in the same bed. Poor guy does try at times but it doesn't feel right. So not really sure what I'm

asking for in response. I wish I could just flip a switch and fall back in love

with him! But I can't and I feel horrible because he says he loves me still

and I can't say that I feel the same way about him. The reason why i want

to do the CC is to help us transition into being co parents. I was hoping

with CC he would have a better understanding of where I'm coming from & I want understand his feelings as well. Okay now I'm just going on and on....

Edited October 1, 2011 by Confussedheart

October 1, 2011

what u are saying sounds exactly like what she told me.

she said she loves me still, but she doesn't know.

and she refused to let me touch her too for many months.

and we broke up abt 2 weeks ago.

she said i was too nice, and she doesn't know, but she can't be as nice and blah.

i'm not really doing anything much about this now,

because i don't know what to do.

i do want to know how u got to your state though, perhaps that can shed some light on her psyche as well.

October 1, 2011

I have trouble understanding how you could once be so deeply in love with this person that you decided to have a child and have these feelings disappear. It sounds like he is trying to make it work, but you've already abandoned him emotionally.

It was probably over a long time ago. Years ago. Crazy? No.

Foolish.

October 1, 2011

I don't know if it's because of the way I've been feeling or I have finally come to the realization that I actually didn't love him in that way, that I was in love with the notion of this man who came into my life and treated me the way I wanted to be treated. At that time I felt that's what love is supposed to be. We wanted the same things for our future & I thought that no one else would make me happy as he did. I was 21 when we got married he is 7 years older then me, but that was one of the things I was looking for in a man. There are other things that have occured as well that has made me unhappy to be with him. I do feel torn as I do wish I could make myself truly love him. When we talked last about this. I asked him if he wanted the physical & emotional love from a wife he said yes from me, i told him I was asking in general he said yes, I told him I don't want those types of love with him. When I look at home I see him as a friend. I just don't want to live a lie anymore. I don't know if that helps you to understand Lucio.

October 1, 2011

I think you have lost that loving feeling and its hard to get it back. Maybe you neglected one another and took each other for granted. Maybe somewhere along the way, you just stopped communicating. Either way it is a very sad situation you find yourself in. Can I make two recommedations..

1) Buy the book "Why can't you read my mind"

2) Couples counselling?

Hope things work out for you..

Edited October 1, 2011 by Mack05

October 2, 2011

The weird thing is that we are pretty good at communicating about things that are outside our marriage. I'm definitely looking into doing some IC as well as CC. Just trying to sort of my thoughts I guess!

October 2, 2011

do you have anyone/someone else that you have been interested in? be honest...

October 2, 2011

Hi confused,

I dunno, but maybe the love life had been too smooth sailing that u need some excitement. Then u start wondering if u are thinking that way because u've stopped loving him the way u did/perhaps u didnt love him much in the first place.

I am 6 years older than her too, and w that kind of age gap we sometimes take it upon ourselves to protect, take care of and give in to the girl. It can be very stable I guess, and perhaps u (and my girl) want a bit more turbulence than that.

"physical and emotional love". Isn't that what all of us are pursuing? What is the answer you have then? Perhaps that can help u (and me) be less confused.

There is an old phrase where I live that says "it's easy to pray for n get immense riches, but u hardly meet a faithful lover". I hope u don't regret this when u realize u actually love him but is just confused now. (this is something I hope someone else tells her too)

Nonetheless, I do think u need time out. Just tell him u need to clear off, I'm sure if he's like me, he would (try to) understand and let u be. There is no point in forcing yourselves to get back together now, because as long as u don't work this out (why u are confused now), both of you won't be happy, and you will just end up at this state again.

Take ur time off, think abt what u've shared n what u din like. Let him know when if u have something that needs both of u to work out. Or simply just enjoy time on your own, with your friends and family.

Hopefully the answer will come to you.

October 2, 2011

do you have anyone/someone else that you have been interested in? be honest...

No I'm not interested in anyone, but I have had the thought maybe he would be happier with someone else. Someone that can give him the type of love I can't.

October 2, 2011

I have had the thought maybe he would be happier with someone else. Someone that can give him the type of love I can't.

Ahh!! She said the same.

You cannot decide for him if he'd be happier with someone else. He can be happy to even see you pout and frown. You can only decide if you will be happy.

October 2, 2011

No I'm not interested in anyone, but I have had the thought maybe he would be happier with someone else. Someone that can give him the type of love I can't.

since you posted in the breaking up section and not the marriage - or even separated section - it is a bit telling that you aren't a gal that considers yourself in the marriage...

since you say that he deserves more than you are willing to provide for him - and seeing that it's not loving behavior on your part (you are only or mainly thinking of you) - then i would suggest you divorce... so yes, he can find someone to share his life with ... a wife that will provide what he thought he would get when he married you.

unless you are willing to change and start thinking of his needs before your needs... THAT would be loving behavior. if you don't intend to change - then D him.

October 2, 2011

Lucio don't get me wrong we had great sex. The kissing not so great but sex yes. I don't want to make a mistake by us separating then realizing I do love but I Also don't want continue living like this. I don't to be feeling like this I don't want him to have some u feels like this as a wife and I don't want our child living in a unhappy home. It's probably why it's even taken me so long to even admit to myself/ him how I felt. I don't about ur lady but I truly feel horrible for feeling like this and having him just be there because I don't know what tO do. I did tell him I thought we needed a break or space for a bit do I can clear or understand my feelings & I want to give him the time to find out how he feels. I think maybe he is trying so hard to hold On to us because his parents don't have a good marriage but stay together anyways, to late to leave kInda thing and his siblings are recently divorced. BTW it's nice to have insight from the other side.

October 2, 2011

Ahh!! She said the same.

You cannot decide for him if he'd be happier with someone else. He can be happy to even see you pout and frown. You can only decide if you will be happy.

Ur right On that one!

October 2, 2011

since you posted in the breaking up section and not the marriage - or even separated section - it is a bit telling that you aren't a gal that considers yourself in the marriage...

since you say that he deserves more than you are willing to provide for him - and seeing that it's not loving behavior on your part (you are only or mainly thinking of you) - then i would suggest you divorce... so yes, he can find someone to share his life with ... a wife that will provide what he thought he would get when he married you.

unless you are willing to change and start thinking of his needs before your needs... THAT would be loving behavior. if you don't intend to change - then D him.

I actually didn't notice the difference until u just pointed it out. When I was looking for something in regards to how I was feeling this is the area it came up as so I posted on this one. My bad. Thought I'm getting great replys thus far. I not really sure how u got I'm only thinking about myself with that last bit. I wouldn't be on here or looking into IC & CC if I wasn't willing try.

October 2, 2011

I actually didn't notice the difference until u just pointed it out. When I was looking for something in regards to how I was feeling this is the area it came up as so I posted on this one. My bad. Thought I'm getting great replys thus far. I not really sure how u got I'm only thinking about myself with that last bit. I wouldn't be on here or looking into IC & CC if I wasn't willing try.

We haven't had sex in 2 years! The crazy thing is I have no desire to be intamite with him at all. We don't talk to comminicate.

so talk with him everyday - a lot! and get intimate again - have sex a lot!

you may find that doing things differently will provide an arena to feel close again.

if what you've been doing isn't working - start doing the opposite of what you know doesn't work!

can you do those things?

October 2, 2011

Hey confused,

yea its nice to hear some voice from the other side. Perhaps we can keep talking to each other and find more clues to the answer for ourselves.

If I could, I would tell your husband to let go of his grip on things. The more he is holding on, the more he is strangling u and any chance of reconciliation.

I know u feel truly terrible. She does too. Her mom told me she's cried several times at home. All of us feel terrible. I believe you when u say u are not interested in anyone else too. Precisely so that u r even more confused.

R u working? That could give u an outlet. There's no point thinking abt this 24/7 because the answer for this is further the harder u pursue it.

Ur case is a bit more difficult because u have a young child. I won't recommend u packing up n go. Perhaps sleeping in separate rooms (with your kid) is better. Before that make sure he understands that u need to be left alone. He could be confused n angry, but u need to assure him that it's not u r seeing someone else, but u really need him to give u space. Tell him nicely that if he doesn't he's just giving u more stress.

I wouldn't even mention divorce callously. It takes so much for two ppl to meet, fall in love n get married.

October 3, 2011

I was thinking exactly how you thought I should go about things. Unfortuntley we own a business together so we are constantly talking to each orther through out the day regarding business and our child. I will have a spare room at the end of december in the home so I will start to use it then. I hope he is okay with that. But I really hope everything works out for the best! How are things with you?

October 3, 2011

hey confused,

hmm. i must correct myself. your case is more than "a bit more difficult" because your livelihoods are intertwined as well.

if you guys have drawn up roles at work, then try to keep the tasks separate and modular. maybe u are in charge of accounts, he's in charge of production. something like that. if u are sharing a room/office, then perhaps clear off a space at the opposite corner and move there. get a partition, or stack up some piles of documents around you so you have your own little corner (and where u cannot see each other). if u have staff, get your staff to be the middleman (but not too obvious). at home, i was still hoping u guys can work it out by the holidays. so actually u should look at having your space soon.

the reason i encourage u to "space out" soon, is because in one of your posts you mentioned you "didn't want to live a lie". i have said that at some point in my life too, and i felt extremely frustrated and i just wanted release then. if you feel the same, then u must quickly find outlets to release some of the pressure while not adding more new pressures before it's too late.

be prepared though, that this is a situation that can be very difficult for the other party to accept. before u do any of the above, or any actions of your own, to change the status quo, u must communicate with him first so that he doesn't feel his world has suddenly crumbled. this will put anybody in default alert and defensive mode.

i do pray the best for u guys too. i have a good feeling abt it when u said u hope things turn out for the best, so i hope ur husband does not dash the chances by doing something silly now.

as for me.. i had a terrible weekend. i think it's because it's her mother's birthday and i'm left out of the celebrations so i really felt sucky. to top it off i went shopping with my sister, and every shop she went, i kept thinking "she will like this", "she will look nice in that" and just wished i could still buy things for her. i basically felt so horrid that i had to say "ok no more shopping. let's go play some games".

i'm meeting her this week for lunch, and maybe i will talk to her abt us a little. i haven't talked abt it or said anything from my pov since the break. it wasn't a destructive break, i didn't call her up drunk, i didn't say i will kill myself, cry, beg. we didn't scold each other. i don't know, i'm still thinking of what i should say, if i should say anything.

u think u want my mail address? that way u can mail me whenever u want to know more abt the "other side". (i felt like darth vader when i said that)

October 3, 2011

Hey I notice a lot of women seem to have this problem. It seems like the man gets comfortable and is content with that and the woman just keeps falling more and more out of love. My best friends wife did this she was so so sure that she didn't love him anymore and the thought of him even touching her made her skin crawl so she says. He came home from work one day and she had moved out with no notice whatsoever. She said she wanted a break. In her case she me another guy. Anyways my buddy found a new girl of course younger and prettier and his wife went out of her mind. She begged cried threatened to kill herself I think she actually tried. She did this for 2 years and still is doing it but my friend had met his "soul mate". Just be careful you are sure with what you are doing. You have to seriously picture him with another woman. Not just words like I hope he finds someone. Because eventually unless he is some sort of creature he will find someone else and he might just not want you back. Be prepared. Its like the song hotel California maybe you two need to start over and go on some dates. Pretend he is a totally new guy. Let him court you and even make him wait for sex it might be very exciting to you. Good luck you seem very genuine and in a crappy situation that you are trying to make the best of and I applaud you for not sneaking around on him. So many others do.

October 3, 2011

Confused I am going to play devils advocate here. I think you need to be honest with yourself, your husband and your daughter. Staying in limbo hoping your feelings will change, will not help you in the long run. You met your husband at a very young age. Then you both had a baby girl together. It's a lot of responsibility for a woman so young. It's why I would recommend on this site, that people wait until they are at least 30 before they get married.

I met a girl at 22. We stayed 7 years together. At one stage in the relationship (even though we were careful) we thought that she could be pregnant. It turns out she wasn't. If she had been, I would be typing this reply as a divorced father of one. After about 18 months of her treating me quite poorly, I feel out of love with her. We tried at the end to salvage it, but it was too late. Looking back, we were both too young when we met. If I had met her at 30, we wouldnt have lasted 6 months. Why? Because at 30 you know who you are. You have enough life experience and mistakes under your belt to REALLY know what you want out of life and the kind of partner you want to be with.

In my opinion, I feel your relationship has run its course. I don't like to give advice like this, especially when there is a little girl involved. You don't want to live your life in a loveless marriage. It will suck all the emotional good out of you and you will end up a very bitter woman, not knowing where her life went. If you leave it will be utterly devastating. If you stay it will be so much worse.

Having said that I feel every person should fight for their family before leaving. Every daughter/son deserves to be raised in a happy home. If you canot provide that for your daughter (with your husband there) then you need to leave. I suggested a book above please buy it and read it. Also couples therapy is definitely needed. I guarentee you if you read the book above and attend Therapy together, things will be so much clearer..

Edited October 3, 2011 by Mack05

October 3, 2011

Thanks Mack05 what u said made alot of sense. If we don't try it's not only me that's going to be unhappy, he will be miserable too, and our child will see that. I dOnt want to be that kind of example of a relationship for her to follow.

Lucio yeah give me your email and we can keep in touch.

October 3, 2011

Hey Confussed Heart,

Sorry to hear about this, never easy for you or him! If you feel this way then maybe try couples counselling before throwing it all away. You never know!!!

Can I ask you a question?

- What is it that has changed in the relationship? i.e. are you not physically attracted to him anymore or has his personality changed or some other reason? Curious to know because I think my ex and I became "roommates" too but I was on the other side of the dumping to you. Thanks

October 4, 2011

hey confused,

realized i can't pm u, so i've created a new account for ls.

[email protected]

let me know when u see this. so i can try to delete this entry. lol.

October 4, 2011

Sent u an email few minates ago. U can delete

October 5, 2011

Hey Confussed Heart,

Sorry to hear about this, never easy for you or him! If you feel this way then maybe try couples counselling before throwing it all away. You never know!!!

Can I ask you a question?
- What is it that has changed in the relationship? i.e. are you not physically attracted to him anymore or has his personality changed or some other reason? Curious to know because I think my ex and I became "roommates" too but I was on the other side of the dumping to you. Thanks

THEDOVIC - through the years so many things have happend and have been said that I think it eventually got to be to much to over look. We have talked many times in the past as well, but nothing really changed. I'm sorry about your situation. This is why I'm taking things slow and doing one step at a time

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