Author mrspeak Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 UPDATE -- Thanks for the responses... I appreciate it.... I had a conversation with him and I already knew there were problems in our relationship (not related to this "friend") and he agreed and said this friend has no relation to our problems. (Which I kind of thought was the case). He said he would have this friend regardless even if our relationship was in great shape because it's just "platonic". He claims he's capable of having friends and discussing any topic (to include sex) without actually wanting to cheat. Despite my discomfort, he says I can't "control" his contact with her, and from my experience, trying would be fruitless. He also reassured me that he has no intention to cheat because he would end the relationship before cheating. I get the impression he is a man who likes the attention and likes the communication but doesn't always follow through (however keeps the woman available in case he changes his mind). This woman *IS* showing him interest however I don't believe he's taken her offer yet. Their conversations are mostly hypothetical, as in "I would like to....." rather than "I did.....". This is classic gaslighting. He is having an inappropriate relationship with a woman in which he is sharing intimate details of his marriage via daily lunches, texts, and phone calls. Yet he has managed to twist the whole thing around on YOU. You are untrusting. You are meddling. You need to be "taught a lesson". That is some pretty ugly behavior coming from one's own spouse. The one person who is supposed to have your back. I don't trust him and honestly, you shouldn't either. Not right now anyway. He is doing absolutely nothing to help or protect you or your marriage. He IS having an emotional affair with this woman, and he IS inappropriately emotionally attached to her. Why else would he refuse to cut her loose and start behaving like a decent spouse? No mere "work friend" is important enough to risk damage to your marriage. Don't fall for it. He is gaslighting you all the way and his EMR is likely much more entrenched than you realize now.
keepsmilin74 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 In my case, no. It was platonic for two years. Never thought I could fall for her. Not my type etc. Then out of nowhere I caught feelings and fell hard. We have kept boundaries and have not crossed lines but there are feelings in both directions. Frank, if you read the marriagebuilders basic concepts, what happened to you wasn't "out of nowhere", unfortunately you built enough "love bank" deposits with another woman over two years.
keepsmilin74 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 (edited) He also reassured me that he has no intention to cheat because he would end the relationship before cheating. He's only speaking of physical cheating, he is already in an emotional affair (EA.) :rolleyes:THAT is a problem. http://www.cheatingways.com/just-friends-not-likely-an-emotional-affair.html As for your other marital issues, once the EA is ended you could start work on each others' basic emotional needs: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html Edited October 2, 2011 by keepsmilin74 added a link
norajane Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 One thing he claimed he was doing was getting her to text stuff and having me read it to "teach me a lesson." He's kinda doing this on purpose ! He's playing against you. It doesn't matter what he tells you at this point because he's not on your side, so it's not in your best interests to trust him.
Circular Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 I didn't even know what an EA was until I read about it, I didn't think there was such a thing and when I read it I thought 'how can that be cheating', as a man I'd always equated cheating to be the physical act. Boy did I learn my lesson. Sounds pretty much that is where he is. It's not cheating because he's not physical with her, yet it sounds from your notes that he's in an EA and he seems VERY protective of the relationship regardless of what you think, I'd say that's a very strong signal that his heart is with this woman and not with you.
2sunny Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 UPDATE -- Thanks for the responses... I appreciate it.... I had a conversation with him and I already knew there were problems in our relationship (not related to this "friend") and he agreed and said this friend has no relation to our problems. (Which I kind of thought was the case). He said he would have this friend regardless even if our relationship was in great shape because it's just "platonic". He claims he's capable of having friends and discussing any topic (to include sex) without actually wanting to cheat. Despite my discomfort, he says I can't "control" his contact with her, and from my experience, trying would be fruitless. He also reassured me that he has no intention to cheat because he would end the relationship before cheating. I get the impression he is a man who likes the attention and likes the communication but doesn't always follow through (however keeps the woman available in case he changes his mind). This woman *IS* showing him interest however I don't believe he's taken her offer yet. Their conversations are mostly hypothetical, as in "I would like to....." rather than "I did.....". what happens within a M should be discussed with the SPOUSE - unless discussions involve a professional counselor. if he has something to hide - there is good reason. has he invited her over to your house? why can't she be your friend too? IF he chooses her "friendship" over your M - YOU HAVE BIG PROBLEMS! simply tell him it seems like an inappropriate "friendship" since he's secretive about her (people who have nothing to hide - hide nothing!). IF he won't end the friendship - you may need to tell him it's over since he is giving you evidence that she is more important than you are. see how he responds to that...
sadcalifornian Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Well, I can't have sex with my golf clubs, but if I spend too much time playing golf, that would adversely affect my M. Even without A, there are many many ways to destroy the M. People keep fixating on whether such relationship can turn into A or not. Frankly, that doesn't matter. A or not, if such communications bother you greatly, then as his W, you have every right to demand it to stop. Of course, without much sexual attraction, it may stay at just flirting level, but that is not the point. He is extremely disrespectful towards you and your M by behaving so selfishly. The unfortunate fact, though, is if you love him so much and absolutely will not leave him and he absolutely refuses to cut off the OW, then frankly what can you do? So, if you seriously want to end this flirtatious relationship with OW once and for all, you may have to risk D by threatening him so. Sorry, I wish I had a better advice.
woinlove Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 UPDATE -- Thanks for the responses... I appreciate it.... I had a conversation with him and I already knew there were problems in our relationship (not related to this "friend") and he agreed and said this friend has no relation to our problems. (Which I kind of thought was the case). He said he would have this friend regardless even if our relationship was in great shape because it's just "platonic". He claims he's capable of having friends and discussing any topic (to include sex) without actually wanting to cheat. Despite my discomfort, he says I can't "control" his contact with her, and from my experience, trying would be fruitless. He also reassured me that he has no intention to cheat because he would end the relationship before cheating. I get the impression he is a man who likes the attention and likes the communication but doesn't always follow through (however keeps the woman available in case he changes his mind). This woman *IS* showing him interest however I don't believe he's taken her offer yet. Their conversations are mostly hypothetical, as in "I would like to....." rather than "I did.....". I'm so sorry. Seems that his R with this woman is already more important to him than his M to you. He is right that you can't control his behavior. You can't make him focus on having a good R with you and one person focussing on the R while the other focusses elsewhere doesn't work. What are you thinking of doing? I think if you deprioritize your M by accepting being second, it will not survive.
xxoo Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Despite my discomfort, he says I can't "control" his contact with her, and from my experience, trying would be fruitless. . Of course you can't control him. You shouldn't have to. He needs to control himself. It is inappropriate for him to be texting a woman who has expressed romantic interest in him. He is being very disrespectful to you. Being respectful should not require being controlled. Is he very oversensitive to feeling controlled? Do you have a history of trying to control him? Maybe this is something specific to be discussed with a marriage counselor?
Author mrspeak Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 Yes, this is a big issue for him. He claims I treat him poorly, am too wrapped up in his business, and I'm too controlling. I was cheated on in a previous relationship so I am somewhat hypersensitive to any and all women near him. He thinks it's unreasonable for me to ask him to stop talking to this "friend." You make a very good point about respect. Everyone here has some good points. He got upset that I was seeking advice online but he's seeking advice from this woman. I don't believe he is willing to control his behavior. I once went to lunch with my boss and since then, he's used that as his go ahead excuse to have woman friends. The only response I got out of him about all of this was that since I don't always tell him where I'm at, that gives him reason to not tell me much of anything. As if because he doesn't trust me then it excuses his behavior. I would make some more serious threats to him but I am not in a position to leave him unfortunately. Things already aren't good and this is making them worse. Thanks for the ideas, I appreciate it.
Steadfast Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 (edited) has he invited her over to your house? why can't she be your friend too? Taking it back to the beginning, the above would be my first question. People often seem to forget (at the very least, on a personal level) that marriage is an 'us' not an 'I'. This may not always work in business or career, but when the two meet the decisions or actions of the spouse must harmonize with both. For those truly in love, there is no other way. Think about it; would a loving spouse confide in someone else? Those truly in love and connected with their spouse would be anxious to share any new friendship. The key is he would bring the new friend into 'your' circle...not bring you into theirs. He's separating himself. That's poisoning the water. You mentioned your husband likes attention. If he enjoys attention from other women he has self-esteem issues; meaning your relationship isn't enough to make him feel good about himself. This is death to a marriage. Someone else mentioned boundaries. He very well may be setting up his...testing you to see what you'll accept with plans to slowly (but surely) expand them. This is nothing more than taking emotional control in a marriage to get what he wants from you, and what he wants from others. Turning the tables to make you feel bad about 'questioning' him is nothing more than manipulation. It's a lot of bad things and it sure isn't loving. IMO, your husband needs to grow up. Husbands and wives are not pawns and playthings. He's bolstering his ego at your emotional expense. One way or another it has to stop, but you can't make that happen. This is something he must do -and want to do-. If he doesn't, he'll someday return to the same behavior and resent you in the process. Put it to him straight, with the understanding that you're not trying to control him, but instead, trying to protect your marriage. If he continues to blame shift or make you feel guilty for wanting a close, loving relationship, you'll soon be typing out some new questions for people to comment on. Edited October 2, 2011 by Steadfast
RickFox Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Not his type huh? Yeah, the woman I had an affair with wasn't my "type" either. We talked and texted for a long while before I began to see her as a type I'd go for and did go for..........alot. I've seen guys with good looking wives go for what many would consider 'homely', and the affairs almost always have some type of emotional connection, those are the ones that become very strong. My wife told me she wasn't comfortable with our "friendship" and I did the same thing as your H did.... signs signs everywhere a sign........
Kidd Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I'm sorry to say it but what I see here is a hidden physical affair. You need to become an investigator and stop telling him your suspicions or it will go deep underground. He is playing cards straight from the cheater's handbook and taking advantage of your trusting nature. My W did this (even once said, "Have you seen what he looks like?!" when I asked about her relationship with her boss. I had NO evidence (just a gut feeling), bought a GPS, and caught her in what was ultimately a year-long EA/PA with him. I NEVER would have ever thought my W could cheat. We'd been together 17 years and never argued. This crap happens. Get the book, Not Just Friends. And get your head in the game. You have to stop following your heart for a while.
woinlove Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Kidd and others may be right. The fact that he suggested he was playing a game with another woman in order to teach you a lesson does suggest he is likely already deep into an A. Your H has made it clear this woman comes before you. He is not going to give you the truth, so you will need to investigate in order to find out what the truth is.
Owl Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 INSIST on marriage counseling. Tell your H that he appears to value his friendship over his marriage...that alone indicates to you that this is NOT a friendship that is beneficial to the marriage. Whether or not he agrees...if he feels this strongly about this friendship...it's already unhealthy for the marriage...and it needs to end. If he refuses/disagrees...you have your answer. If he refuses marriage counseling...you have your answer. My thought is...don't be afraid to INSIST on what you need to have a healthy marriage. You need to consider your options here. If he refuses to end the friendship, and/or refuses counseling...are you willing to remain in a marriage with him under those circumstances? Has he ever cheated on you (or anyone else) before?
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